Affair Reflection

[Jordan's thoughts]

OP; your former MM sounds like a sociopath, these type of people are gifted manipulators and world-class liars, in most cases they never see the wrong in their actions and more offend then not they fight for the reality they want no matter the cost....Unfortunately he has scarred you for life and quite possibly on a subconscious level tainted your view on relationships but this simply means you can make yourself stronger because of those scarres..u can never go back to the old you because the old you got into this mess and remained there for a while, That girl unfortunately is gone but the new you will be like a Phoenix Reborn from the ashes and sets a blaze to the sky for all to see....This may be uncomfortable to hear but I think it's important you "FORGIVE HIM", not for him but yourself as it removes whatever power he has over u..it may take time but u are stronger than u know,smarter than u realize and more compassionate Than u give yourself credit for...

Edited November 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[veryhappy]

Six years is a lot of time to waste in an affair, especially if those are your childbearing years and you do want children. You need to cut your losses to find a man who will have a life with you. Everytime you check pictures or messages say out loud "this is lowering my chances of me having kids". Your brain will catch up eventually and you will find yourself reaching for those sources of torment less.

 

I'm not sure you're no contact yet. No contact is your only chance at sanity and it will take you a couple of years to build yourself back, so you'd better start now. And if you fail no worries, just continue. From my experience there's no point to try to convince anyone to do something with you. The moment you start shaping up your own life, you will see who are the people who naturally show up for you in your life. You have a set of wishes and I can guarantee you that this guy will never ever be the one to do that for you. Not because you're bot pretty enough or whatever lese enough. It's just not in his plans to have that life with you.

 

Last and most importantly, this dude is a rotten grandiose *******. You need to go beyond the affair and ask what is it about you that made you stay with a man who called you a whore. Low self esteem most likely. Your low self esteem will not recover by staying in this toxic relationship. And one day, when you won't be bleeding from the affair so much you can turn your focus on you and heal those parts that are vulnerable. And I hope you'll never ever stay with a guy who calls you a whore, married or not married.

 

If the thought offers any comfort, I'd bet he's a terrible husband.

[Hrgirl915]

Thank you for the encouragement. This has been extremely difficult to overcome. If I did have low self esteem before, I really have the epítome of low self esteem now. But I am trying, day-by-day to get past this chapter in my life. The holiday was especially hard and I feel has taken me back a bit. I did unfortunately waste child bearing years which is another aspect I struggle with immensely. If only life gave do-overs?

[Hrgirl915]

Yes, the girl before is gone. You are very right. I do appreciate those of you that have taken your time to listen and encourage. I have definitely grown from this experience in good ways. Just takes awhile to appreciate as I sort through the loss. I probably have forgiven him on some level. But I do still have to routinely remind myself of the bad as to not get lost in the fantasy again. The holidays feel hard for some reason. Probably just on a superficial sentimental level as we really never spent much of them together anyways.

[Abetterme]

I just wanted to send you some hugs. Take pride in your resolve to stay NC through the holidays despite it being a sad time. I had some weird emotions around everything myself over the holiday, so you’re not alone.

 

You will always have options to be a mother if you choose. It may not be the conventional route, but you clearly have a lot of love to give and now have the freedom to pursue it. Thinking of you!

[2BGoodAgain]

Hm... I'm not sure where I fit in this one. 

 

First of all, good for you for getting away from that situation. I can't tell what his intentions are, but it seems to be he's either self deluded or wanted an ego stroking b/c of some sort of low self esteem. Either way, he won't be truly happy with his wife b/c he wouldn't have turned to you, if his life was truly happy. Something is missing, though it's most likely something within him that's wrong.

 

No matter what a few people say, no one who is truly happy in their marriage will stray. Temptation, boredom, ego stroking, low self esteem, abusive relationship... legit and non legit reasons, none is b/c it's a truly happy marriage/relationship.

 

I'm still not sure which one I am in relation to your story. 

 

She was married and I was in a long term relationship. We met by chance though, I guess you could say we were aware of each other. After 12 years of reflection, I can say we were both unhappy with our own relationships, though we tried to make the best of it. When we met, it was a mix of lust and emotional connection. We fit together so well. spend hours upon hours talking, etc. I never made promises I couldn't deliver, even if it mean hurting her every time. We'd break up together and sometimes she'd run off angry b/c I wouldn't leave mine. We talked about having children, and vacations... in the end, we ended up doing both, and nothing but disaster followed. 

 

in the end, all affairs are fantasy; an escape from our reality or tough choices we're too scared to do. we lasted 12+ years b/c reality didn't burst our bubble as easily. Though, in the end, that's what it did. 

I can say honestly it was mostly lust on my part for the 1st half of that relationship. Then somehow the tables turned and it became the other way around. And I ended up hurt and destroyed. Ironic really... I kept asking myself how it happened that I ended up the hurt one and she ended up moving on to another guy?

 

I also found out that I wasn't in love with her, but rather that she fed into my low self esteem and when she rejected me and moved on, the pain wasn't from love but rather from the rejection of myself. But it felt like love. I had never been that hurt before or since. 

 

Anyway, I hope it gets better for you. There will be comes, during those quiet moments of unguarded thoughts when you think of him... or something reminds you of him.. no one can help those.. don't worry, you can always choose at that point to stop thinking of him and after a while, you'll wonder what you ever saw in him. 

 

what sucks is that the love you felt for him was real, regardless if his was just to use you or mebbe in his delusion it was a welcome fantasy to his reality. Trust me, if he was perfectly happy in his relationship, he wouldn't seek you out or play with you, the way he did. whatever fantasies he shared with you, that's what he wishes for in his real life, but he doesn't quite have it... 

 

move on b/c he didn't care about YOU, he only cared about the fantasy... 

 

good luck and I feel your pain... 

[Jordan's thoughts]

On 12/3/2019 at 11:39 PM, Hrgirl915 said:

Yes, the girl before is gone. You are very right. I do appreciate those of you that have taken your time to listen and encourage. I have definitely grown from this experience in good ways. Just takes awhile to appreciate as I sort through the loss. I probably have forgiven him on some level. But I do still have to routinely remind myself of the bad as to not get lost in the fantasy again. The holidays feel hard for some reason. Probably just on a superficial sentimental level as we really never spent much of them together anyways.

There's a  Chinese proverb  That states "there is a cure for all things in this world including death but there   Exists no such cure for regret"... You more than anyone under the sun know what this has cost u and you are fully aware of the greater cost of breaking NC will hence why u are stronger for keeping up the NC...Just keep you eyes on your end goal and these "trials and  tribulations " will leave u a better person for it....

[Hrgirl915]

On 12/10/2019 at 2:45 PM, 2BGoodAgain said:

Hm... I'm not sure where I fit in this one. 

 

First of all, good for you for getting away from that situation. I can't tell what his intentions are, but it seems to be he's either self deluded or wanted an ego stroking b/c of some sort of low self esteem. Either way, he won't be truly happy with his wife b/c he wouldn't have turned to you, if his life was truly happy. Something is missing, though it's most likely something within him that's wrong.

 

No matter what a few people say, no one who is truly happy in their marriage will stray. Temptation, boredom, ego stroking, low self esteem, abusive relationship... legit and non legit reasons, none is b/c it's a truly happy marriage/relationship.

 

I'm still not sure which one I am in relation to your story. 

 

She was married and I was in a long term relationship. We met by chance though, I guess you could say we were aware of each other. After 12 years of reflection, I can say we were both unhappy with our own relationships, though we tried to make the best of it. When we met, it was a mix of lust and emotional connection. We fit together so well. spend hours upon hours talking, etc. I never made promises I couldn't deliver, even if it mean hurting her every time. We'd break up together and sometimes she'd run off angry b/c I wouldn't leave mine. We talked about having children, and vacations... in the end, we ended up doing both, and nothing but disaster followed. 

 

in the end, all affairs are fantasy; an escape from our reality or tough choices we're too scared to do. we lasted 12+ years b/c reality didn't burst our bubble as easily. Though, in the end, that's what it did. 

I can say honestly it was mostly lust on my part for the 1st half of that relationship. Then somehow the tables turned and it became the other way around. And I ended up hurt and destroyed. Ironic really... I kept asking myself how it happened that I ended up the hurt one and she ended up moving on to another guy?

 

I also found out that I wasn't in love with her, but rather that she fed into my low self esteem and when she rejected me and moved on, the pain wasn't from love but rather from the rejection of myself. But it felt like love. I had never been that hurt before or since. 

 

Anyway, I hope it gets better for you. There will be comes, during those quiet moments of unguarded thoughts when you think of him... or something reminds you of him.. no one can help those.. don't worry, you can always choose at that point to stop thinking of him and after a while, you'll wonder what you ever saw in him. 

 

what sucks is that the love you felt for him was real, regardless if his was just to use you or mebbe in his delusion it was a welcome fantasy to his reality. Trust me, if he was perfectly happy in his relationship, he wouldn't seek you out or play with you, the way he did. whatever fantasies he shared with you, that's what he wishes for in his real life, but he doesn't quite have it... 

 

move on b/c he didn't care about YOU, he only cared about the fantasy... 

 

good luck and I feel your pain... 

 

Thank you for sharing your perspective. It’s interesting insight from the other side. Your story is heartbreaking as well. The part that struck me is your admittance that you didn’t love her. It would crush me to ever know that my AP didn’t truly love me. While I question it all the time and often suspected just a strong lust, not fully knowing has probably kept me sane. I don’t know the answers; it’s just very sad no matter the angle.
 

What struck me the most curious is why you have stayed so long and so unhappy in a relationship without the complexity of marriage and divorce. Life is so short, you could go find happiness.

[DKT3]

Life isnt short, especially when one is prone to making poor decisions. 

 

Question. why would you be crushed to find he isnt in love with you? This is always a very interesting topic for me with women in affairs.  

 

Him loving or not never changes the reality of the situation or the outcome. More importantly,  how does that help in moving forward?

 

 

I would think finding that they didn't love, which thier actions almost always indicate,  would make move on easier. 

[JoeyArnold]

On 10/1/2019 at 8:40 AM, Hrgirl915 said:

Whichever it is, walk away before you waste anymore precious time.

 

Exactly. Sorry to hear about all of the deception that men can inflict on you and on women in general. Not to say that some women don't ever attack men. But women probably get it worse and more often. Yeah, people are taught to seek after fantasy. And then when fantasy comes their way, they can eat it up. Ultimately, you have to study the real thing before you can spot counterfeit love. And that can be hard. But that is why it is crucial to gradually get to know the other person before committing too much to the other person. And of course, no matter what, there is risk involved. Now, a liar can have a tell. A liar can sometimes be caught in a lie. So, you kind of have to know what to look for and then you got to always watch out for the red flags, the signs. Better safe than sorry.

Edited December 18, 2019 by JoeyArnold

[lostnconfused77]

I can so empathise with the original poster. My affair lasted less than a year but was the most intense chemistry I have ever felt. Was it love? It felt like it. Did he love me? He said he did, certainly more so at the beginning. We both have long term partners and knew it could go nowhere but couldn't seem to stop. We tried to remain just friends, but I don't think that was ever going to be possible. He was working for me but in the end after stealing from me (spending the money paid for the job on himself and his fiancé) he walked off the job and cut me out his life. The heart ache, the betrayal (in terms of money taken and being let down) is unbearable at times. It has now been several weeks of no contact, initiated by him. Until the other day when he sent one message and then promptly blocked me. 

I am now trying to pick up the pieces, see what I want in life and where to go, whether to stay in my long term relationship or not. I am taking legal action to recover monies owed. I also lent him a lot of money. I now see him for the lying git he is but the pain is still there. 

I am lost, not the person I was, no direction....it has shattered me....

[Jordan's thoughts]

Just wondering any updates 

[Hrgirl915]

On 12/28/2019 at 6:04 PM, Jordan's thoughts said:

Just wondering any updates 

No real updates. The holidays have been hard and I haven’t been in the best mindset. I am angry at myself for being my own biggest setback. Hoping the new year will give me a better perspective. 🤞🏻 Thank you for asking....