Affair Reflection

[Hrgirl915]

There are benefits to telling for the other person, one is had you told this wouldn't be taking up mind space for you at this point. Another is you would likely feel like you've rectified the situation a bit. Both would aid in you moving past this.

 

I wanted to disagree with your point of no winners in affairs. In your situation the MM is a winner. He got to carry on with you and then went back into his marriage with no consequences, while you have struggled and his wife doesn't know the whole truth...I say that because I firmly believe that betrayed spouses are never clueless about affairs, some just choose to ignore.

 

You are correct. I shouldn’t say there are no winners in affairs. He did win. Got to maintain his current life and have some fun on the side. I guess I just look at it from the OW and W perspective. In the end, someone hurts.

[LIRR88]

the difference is you added her as a Facebook friend. why? unless she was a friend before, why add her, unless it's to spy on her?That's not idle curiosity.

 

I know this is a small point, but it's actually important. It shows the mental gymnastics you're playing just to square this away , even with yourself.

 

Where on any post did I say I added MM’s wife?? I don’t even have Facebook, but his Facebook is public and her photos are tagged. I googled his name and his profile came up. And yes at the beginning of our relationship I checked it out and saw pictures of her because I was curious to see what she looked like. MM knows, I told him myself. You’re telling me I’m the only one guilty of online snooping??

[BluEyeL]

With MM who cheat it’s really not about choosing the wife or the mistress. It’s about choosing himself .

 

He doesn’t leave his wife not because he loves her or because she’s better or worse than you. He doesn’t because it’s not convenient for him (money, position , complications) and he actually doesn’t care about either one of you. He has the stability at home that he needs and wants and variety when he wants some fun and running away from responsibilities. He is using you for one reason, and his wife for another. If it wasn’t you or her it would have been someone else. You are interchangeable and objects to him as he is narcissistic and doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings .

 

Never get involved again with a MM. The compliments are just a bait and the competition you make with the wife is just in your imagination.

[mark clemson]

While there's truth to this, I don't believe for a moment that it's always true. Many MM are conflicted, sometimes highly so and sometimes more than the OW. Many have very strong feelings. There have been many posts about this and if you read enough in the Infidelity and OM/OW sections you'll find them.

 

Of course, sometimes you're absolutely right.

[DKT3]

I dont think many MM are conflicted about where they ultimately want to be, with that said I do believe some still have feelings for the MW/OW . Sociopaths and narcissistic men are not as abundant as one would think from reading this website

[Beentheretoooften]

It is very common in here to lump all mm Into the same category. I’ve only been on here for 5-6 months, but even reading farther back that’s all everyone does. I’m happy the last 2 posts here take a side that it’s not 100% that way. I bet it’s 50+%. Maybe even as high as 75-80. But they would have you think it’s all of them. It’s just so ridiculous. Just because ow’s are scorned, and have 1 Experience with an mm that went that way, then it’s 100%, and the rest of the scorned pile on. There are mm that are torn, there are many that are confused and some even leave. New study just released, guess what fellas, the #1 reason for divorce is infidelity. If none of them leave, how is this possible. I’m sorry to anyone who has been hurt...ever.

Edited November 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Starswillshine]

study just released, guess what fellas, the #1 reason for divorce is infidelity. If none of them leave, how is this possible. IÂ’m sorry to anyone who has been hurt...ever.

 

Because in a lot of cases when the infidelity comes to life, the BS dumps the cheater. Of course, some do leave for the other person..

 

 

In my case, my ex husband would have happily stayed married, but he disrespected me, he disrespected our kids, he disrespected our family, and he disrespected our vows. I could never get passed that.

[BluEyeL]

There are of course cases when the marriage is t working and the MM is truly on his way out , then he meets someone else and leaves his marriage.

 

But this isnt the case here is it? This guy sounds like a jerk. Those MM who really are confused and unhappy and torn aren’t smooth operators with the right moves to catch the next woman. Those do leave. The rest are just using everyone, whether or not they are narcissistic at the diagnosis level.

[LIRR88]

Studies have found that women initiate 70 percent of divorces, and as you can see all over this site, MM hardly leave. I honestly believe that if things like alimony and the wife taking full custody of the kids wasn’t a thing, men wouldn’t hesitate to leave. Like someone mentioned, that financial burden combined with the fact that you don’t get to see your children everyday will keep most men in their marriages. I bet you that the creators of the MGTOW movement are married men, just go on YouTube and you’ll find hundreds of videos with thousands of comments with the same stories.

[BluEyeL]

Studies have found that women initiate 70 percent of divorces, and as you can see all over this site, MM hardly leave. I honestly believe that if things like alimony and the wife taking full custody of the kids wasn’t a thing, men wouldn’t hesitate to leave. Like someone mentioned, that financial burden combined with the fact that you don’t get to see your children everyday will keep most men in their marriages. I bet you that the creators of the MGTOW movement are married men, just go on YouTube and you’ll find hundreds of videos with thousands of comments with the same stories.

Financial reasons for staying in unhappy marriages go both ways. Women with no or little ability to support themselves stay and stayed in an unhappy or even abusive marriage from the beginning of time. Maybe that's why hollywood types divorce. They can afford to.

 

I always thought that that divorce being filed by women statistic has something wrong with it. For example, when I got divorced, my ex left and asked for the divorce. But since I was doing everything in and outside the house in that marriage, it was just another task for me to file, since he couldn't be bothered lol So in fact, the divorce was initiated by him, but I filed the paperwork and it looks like I initiated it.

 

As far as this MM, he is definitely a user of both wife and mistress and he should be promptly (finally) dumped. OP, there is no competition between you and the wife, it's between him having some complications and not having any complications by having his cake and eating it too. you need to go find a man who isn't attached and you can have him for yourself and stop wasting so much of your life.

Edited November 8, 2019 by BluEyeL

[DKT3]

I believe its pretty accurate in saying that alot of men want to be divorced many wont pull the trigger, instead they tread to act out and force his wifes hand. What I dont think many OW/MW dont get is the majority of MM simply don't want to be divorced. The problem is how does one separate the OW/MW from her morals and get what he wants with that carrot dangling from the stick? The fantasy of a future together drives a great number of affairs. Sadly sometimes both dont mean it, most of the time the OW/MW is the only one who does.

[Savannah2]

my Xmm of almost a complete decade.. posted a happy birthday message to his wife saying how she was his best friend and his love.. let that sink in.., almost ten years of him sleeping around with me.. it doesn’t matter what they say or do.. it’s all a big joke to them... the best piece of advice I can give you is to see it for what it is and NOT what you want it to be..

 

I have a very tough time with that in relationships.. I easily develop fantasy bonds and I do believe I am a love addict and deal with all the dysfunctional thought patterns that go along with it.. I’m learning though.. never again.. worst mistake of my life.. the stress aged me exponentially and caused so many health problems

Edited November 11, 2019 by Savannah2

[Hrgirl915]

You didn't understand my point. My point was that you were perfectly willing to sacrifice her marriage/happiness for your own, when they A was on. Now that you've stepped back, you suddenly care?

 

 

I know it might sound pedantic, and it's not an exercise to try and make you feel guilty. What was it that allowed you to act this way? It's so important to figure out the "why" you felt entitled to do this, so you won't make the same choices in the future.

 

I never felt a sense of entitlement. When it started I didn’t know her or her existence. Sure as that came to light I felt differently. Could I have walked away then, yes! Should I have walked away then, yes! Why didn’t I, because it felt real. I loved him very intensely and our chemistry was unlike anything I had experienced. Incredible conversation and fun. MM was good at filling my head with what he wanted me thinking and there was hope within me that we were not the typical affair. When I began discovering all these truths, I still held out for the best in him. It’s hard to accept you let yourself wide open and got duped. However you learn the hard way that not everyone has good character and it’s just about the thrill and not getting caught. On and on.

 

You’ve had me thinking for days. There are issues from every angle. As for her finding out and him being faithful going forward, that’s for them to figure out. I just don’t want to be part of any of it anymore. It’s been a de-valuing experience.

[Hrgirl915]

While there's truth to this, I don't believe for a moment that it's always true. Many MM are conflicted, sometimes highly so and sometimes more than the OW. Many have very strong feelings. There have been many posts about this and if you read enough in the Infidelity and OM/OW sections you'll find them.

 

Of course, sometimes you're absolutely right.

 

I agree Mark. I do believe MM/MW and OW/OM can be very conflicted. As the saying goes, “The devil doesn’t come to you in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes to you disguised as everything you’ve ever wished for.” Usually at a time you are most vulnerable. And letting go because it is the right thing to do is also extremely overwhelming because it causes grief. And grief is our strongest emotion.

[stillafool]

I never felt a sense of entitlement. When it started I didn’t know her or her existence. Sure as that came to light I felt differently. Could I have walked away then, yes! Should I have walked away then, yes! Why didn’t I, because it felt real. I loved him very intensely and our chemistry was unlike anything I had experienced.

 

Then this is entitlement. Even though you found out he was married you felt entitled to what you were getting from him even though you knew he had a wife.

[Hrgirl915]

My exH really really loves being married.

 

Unfortunately he’s not capable of being faithful. I ask him once why he would remarry when he doesn’t know how to be with just one woman - he stated he likes being married!

 

Go figure.

 

That is difficult to understand. He should remain unmarried.

 

I hope you have happiness now.

[Starswillshine]

That is difficult to understand. He should remain unmarried.

 

I hope you have happiness now.

 

My ex is the same. They like the comfort of family and home life. But they like the thrill of many women. They want the best of both worlds so they cheat.

[LIRR88]

my Xmm of almost a complete decade.. posted a happy birthday message to his wife saying how she was his best friend and his love.. let that sink in.., almost ten years of him sleeping around with me.. it doesn’t matter what they say or do.. it’s all a big joke to them... the best piece of advice I can give you is to see it for what it is and NOT what you want it to be..

 

I have a very tough time with that in relationships.. I easily develop fantasy bonds and I do believe I am a love addict and deal with all the dysfunctional thought patterns that go along with it.. I’m learning though.. never again.. worst mistake of my life.. the stress aged me exponentially and caused so many health problems

 

That tells you everything you need to know doesn’t it. MM spent the whole month of May telling me how much he missed me and how I’ll always have his heart, but May 20th comes and I didn’t hear from him the entire day. How adorable, he must have spent his anniversary catering to the wife that he “hates” so much. They’re all full of crap!!

[pepperbird]

I

You’ve had me thinking for days. There are issues from every angle. As for her finding out and him being faithful going forward, that’s for them to figure out. I just don’t want to be part of any of it anymore. It’s been a de-valuing experience.

 

 

Good, because you are worth far more than this. Keep in mind this is just coming from a stronger, but to me, you sound intelligent, fun and like you have a huge amount to offer. I know saying there a ton of single men out there who would be proud to be with you doesn't help much right now, but it's true.

[Hrgirl915]

That tells you everything you need to know doesn’t it. MM spent the whole month of May telling me how much he missed me and how I’ll always have his heart, but May 20th comes and I didn’t hear from him the entire day. How adorable, he must have spent his anniversary catering to the wife that he “hates” so much. They’re all full of crap!!

 

Yep. This must be their modus operandi! Lived through exact same type of situations. Of course when I got upset over it, somehow it always became my fault. Again, you have to wonder how someone can be so duplicitous?????

[LIRR88]

Yep. This must be their modus operandi! Lived through exact same type of situations. Of course when I got upset over it, somehow it always became my fault. Again, you have to wonder how someone can be so duplicitous?????

 

Oh my MM deserves an Oscar for his little tantrums. He could lie to me and go weeks even months without speaking to me, YET the minute I spoke up about it he’d cut me off right away. The fact that he’s a cancer does not help, literally gets all emotional over everything and cries at the drop of the hat.

[Jordan's thoughts]

OP; your former MM sounds like a sociopath, these type of people are gifted manipulators and world-class liars, in most cases they never see the wrong in their actions and more offend then not they fight for the reality they want no matter the cost....Unfortunately he has scarred you for life and quite possibly on a subconscious level tainted your view on relationships but this simply means you can make yourself stronger because of those scarres..u can never go back to the old you because the old you got into this mess and remained there for a while, That girl unfortunately is gone but the new you will be like a Phoenix Reborn from the ashes and sets a blaze to the sky for all to see....This may be uncomfortable to hear but I think it's important you "FORGIVE HIM", not for him but yourself as it removes whatever power he has over u..it may take time but u are stronger than u know,smarter than u realize and more compassionate Than u give yourself credit for...

Edited November 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[veryhappy]

Six years is a lot of time to waste in an affair, especially if those are your childbearing years and you do want children. You need to cut your losses to find a man who will have a life with you. Everytime you check pictures or messages say out loud "this is lowering my chances of me having kids". Your brain will catch up eventually and you will find yourself reaching for those sources of torment less.

 

I'm not sure you're no contact yet. No contact is your only chance at sanity and it will take you a couple of years to build yourself back, so you'd better start now. And if you fail no worries, just continue. From my experience there's no point to try to convince anyone to do something with you. The moment you start shaping up your own life, you will see who are the people who naturally show up for you in your life. You have a set of wishes and I can guarantee you that this guy will never ever be the one to do that for you. Not because you're bot pretty enough or whatever lese enough. It's just not in his plans to have that life with you.

 

Last and most importantly, this dude is a rotten grandiose *******. You need to go beyond the affair and ask what is it about you that made you stay with a man who called you a whore. Low self esteem most likely. Your low self esteem will not recover by staying in this toxic relationship. And one day, when you won't be bleeding from the affair so much you can turn your focus on you and heal those parts that are vulnerable. And I hope you'll never ever stay with a guy who calls you a whore, married or not married.

 

If the thought offers any comfort, I'd bet he's a terrible husband.

[Hrgirl915]

Thank you for the encouragement. This has been extremely difficult to overcome. If I did have low self esteem before, I really have the epítome of low self esteem now. But I am trying, day-by-day to get past this chapter in my life. The holiday was especially hard and I feel has taken me back a bit. I did unfortunately waste child bearing years which is another aspect I struggle with immensely. If only life gave do-overs?

[Hrgirl915]

Yes, the girl before is gone. You are very right. I do appreciate those of you that have taken your time to listen and encourage. I have definitely grown from this experience in good ways. Just takes awhile to appreciate as I sort through the loss. I probably have forgiven him on some level. But I do still have to routinely remind myself of the bad as to not get lost in the fantasy again. The holidays feel hard for some reason. Probably just on a superficial sentimental level as we really never spent much of them together anyways.