Surviving being lied to and an inappropriate relationship

[nicknacksnack]

I found out 2 weeks ago that my boyfriend of 2 years has been communicating with an old co-worker. I get a text from an anonymous number telling me to ask him about her and that he is cheating. I asked him and he said they worked with her 5 years ago and he absolutely was not cheating with her. He said they had text approximately 8 times in the 2 years we've been together.

 

Fast forward to 2 days later. I got another text saying there have been many emails between them. I ask him if he has ever emailed her and his answer was no. The next day I get 5 screenshots of emails between them.

 

He definitely told her he was in a great relationship, he was happier than he's ever been etc. She says things like "I can't seem to get over you", "I know I shouldn't be telling you this since your life is so great but I can't help but think of you". He replies "I would never want to hurt you for anything in this world", "I understand the struggle" and "you can't help the way you feel".

 

When I told my boyfriend that I knew about the emails he let me read all of them. There was no indication of cheating or them even seeing each other in person. However, his words to her were encouraging and he was definitely entertaining her feelings.

 

I am devastated that he lied to me. I'm devastated he was even communicating with another woman and hiding it from me. I have no doubt that he loves me and I don't believe for one second that he cheated on me or had any intention of cheating on me. He only spoke highly of me and he was clear he was in a relationship and unavailable. BUT, his words were reckless and stupid and he should have cut it off immediately when he found out that she had feelings for him.

 

I am SO angry about this!!!!

 

Somehow I still trust him. I truly love him.

 

I told him I wanted to work through this and he promised that he would never do this again or lie to me. Obviously I don't know what to believe.

 

Where do I go from here? How do I heal? How do I work through these emotions?

 

Give it to me straight. Has your relationship survived something like this?

 

Thank you so much! I just need some support and neutral advice.

[Artdeco]

Well it definitely sounds like she was the one instigating the whole thing. And the fact that he never said a bad word about you or your relationship also speaks volumes. If somebody wanted to cheat they would’ve said something negative about the current relationship, or their partner. So I think you can trust him, generally speaking. 1) he didn’t actively seek it out, and 2) he didn’t give in to her “advances”..........Of course it’s ****ty of him to communicate with another female behind your back, and probably get an ego boost out of it. But we’re all flawed, so I would definitely have a tough talk with him, but it doesn’t look like he did anything that can’t be forgiven.

 

Who the hell sent you the messages?? It was probably her, or her in disguise.

[nicknacksnack]

Exactly what you said is why I am even wanting to work this out and stay in the relationship long term. Thank you for your honest feedback. I really appreciate it.

 

 

I definitely think she sent it. She actually knew my name and some of my family. He told her about me. There is no way anyone else would have access to her emails but of course they were sent and disguised as a third party. The phone number just said (000) 000-0000. Definitely her

[JackieOHappy]

You have all the right to be upset about the emails. Especially if he was entertaining her feelings. He should have told you the first day he received an email from her. Or at the minimum ignored her emails and not write her back.

 

I have been through the same thing. Sometimes it turns out those were the only mistakes a guy made and he was extra considerate thereafter.

 

Other times I find there are more hidden contacts between other people either previously or after the first one I discovered. Some guys just like the attention at first then it turns into more than that.

 

It really depends on the person you are with.

Is he going to be a person who grows after his mistake or a person who becomes sneakier?

[Mrin]

Okay, in the best possible light here is a possible explanation. Honestly, I think it is the probable explanation. Try it on and see how it feels. FYI: I've actually seen this play out first hand with a friend.

 

5 or so years ago your BF had an affair or fling with a married or taken woman - this ex-coworker. It may have been a one time thing or maybe it was a prolonged thing. For whatever reason, they stopped and made vows to each other to keep it secret. Several years later you come along. He doesn't disclose that he was the OM with a married or taken woman because:

 

a) He made a vow to her never to tell anyone. Ever.

 

b) It isn't exactly something you want to share with someone you care about. I mean, "hey, I had an affair with a married woman once" isn't exactly the type of thing you mention when you're trying to put your best foot forward.

 

Okay, so time goes on and this secret is buried nice and safe in the ground. Just like they had promised it would. Then she, for whatever reason, makes contact and starts with this whole, "I can't get over you" thing. He shuts it down. And for some reason, she (or someone close to her) sends that first text to you. You confront him about it and because of reasons A and B above, he denies it. Remember, this is supposed to be a secret he takes to the grave.

 

Then you get the screenshots. You confront him again and he trickle truths you. He's not going to share the secret because of reasons A and B. And he probably feels like it isn't something that he needs to share with you because:

 

1. It happened before you.

2. It doesn't affect his relationship with you.

3. He promised someone else he'd never share the secret.

4. It is something he's embarrassed about.

 

Thus his dilemma.

 

I can understand your dilemma too. I guess if I were you I would look at it thusly:

 

1. Did he cheat on me? It seems like this took place long before you. But I'd want to make sure of that

 

2. Does he have any feelings about this woman? Aside from some friendship, it seems like he's completely rebuffed her. And bragged about how happy he is with you.

 

3. Do I need to worry in the future? Assuming that the answer to both of these questions is no, and assuming that he wasn't in a relationship or marriage when the alleged affair took place, then all this tells you is that he made a bad decision once. And given his behavior, probably regrets it. If he was in a relationship at the time then that tells a different story and is probably something to be concerned about.

 

 

So, what to do? What to do?

This is what I would do: I would sit him down and say something along the lines of:

 

"look, I'm getting texts and screenshots from an unknown number that might either be this ex-coworker or someone else. You're not giving me the whole picture and it is making me uncomfortable and not able to trust you. I love you and I want us to succeed. But this is a situation that neither you or I wanted to come into our lives together and it is hurting us as a couple. We need to clear the air. And so I am giving you this opportunity to tell me the whole truth about ex-coworker. I give you my vow of secrecy. I'll take anything you say to me to the grave. I promise I'll try to control my reaction and discuss this with you in a mature and reasonable way. I just need to know. I need to be able to trust you and likewise, you need to be able to trust me with your deepest darkest secrets. Will you please tell me the whole story so we can get past this?"

Edited October 1, 2019 by Mrin

[mark clemson]

In this case, unless further "evidence" comes to light, it sounds reasonable to conclude he was enjoying the attention but wasn't going to actually cheat.

 

You're lucky she apparently shot herself in the foot, because it's definitely possible for things like this to become a slippery slope where it does lead to real feelings (an emotional affair) and eventually to a physical affair. It sounds like it was an emotional affair on her side, but really not even that on his.

 

You have a right to feel threatened and upset he didn't tell you. He should have. You might also feel relieved that he apparently passed a significant test.

[nicknacksnack]

You have all the right to be upset about the emails. Especially if he was entertaining her feelings. He should have told you the first day he received an email from her. Or at the minimum ignored her emails and not write her back.

 

I have been through the same thing. Sometimes it turns out those were the only mistakes a guy made and he was extra considerate thereafter.

 

Other times I find there are more hidden contacts between other people either previously or after the first one I discovered. Some guys just like the attention at first then it turns into more than that.

 

It really depends on the person you are with.

Is he going to be a person who grows after his mistake or a person who becomes sneakier?

 

 

I have to say that what I see is remorse and truly genuine regret for what he's done so I hope the answer is grow after his mistake. Thank you so much for your response and support!

[nicknacksnack]

Okay, in the best possible light here is a possible explanation. Honestly, I think it is the probable explanation. Try it on and see how it feels. FYI: I've actually seen this play out first hand with a friend.

 

5 or so years ago your BF had an affair or fling with a married or taken woman - this ex-coworker. It may have been a one time thing or maybe it was a prolonged thing. For whatever reason, they stopped and made vows to each other to keep it secret. Several years later you come along. He doesn't disclose that he was the OM with a married or taken woman because:

 

a) He made a vow to her never to tell anyone. Ever.

 

b) It isn't exactly something you want to share with someone you care about. I mean, "hey, I had an affair with a married woman once" isn't exactly the type of thing you mention when you're trying to put your best foot forward.

 

Okay, so time goes on and this secret is buried nice and safe in the ground. Just like they had promised it would. Then she, for whatever reason, makes contact and starts with this whole, "I can't get over you" thing. He shuts it down. And for some reason, she (or someone close to her) sends that first text to you. You confront him about it and because of reasons A and B above, he denies it. Remember, this is supposed to be a secret he takes to the grave.

 

Then you get the screenshots. You confront him again and he trickle truths you. He's not going to share the secret because of reasons A and B. And he probably feels like it isn't something that he needs to share with you because:

 

1. It happened before you.

2. It doesn't affect his relationship with you.

3. He promised someone else he'd never share the secret.

4. It is something he's embarrassed about.

 

Thus his dilemma.

 

I can understand your dilemma too. I guess if I were you I would look at it thusly:

 

1. Did he cheat on me? It seems like this took place long before you. But I'd want to make sure of that

 

2. Does he have any feelings about this woman? Aside from some friendship, it seems like he's completely rebuffed her. And bragged about how happy he is with you.

 

3. Do I need to worry in the future? Assuming that the answer to both of these questions is no, and assuming that he wasn't in a relationship or marriage when the alleged affair took place, then all this tells you is that he made a bad decision once. And given his behavior, probably regrets it. If he was in a relationship at the time then that tells a different story and is probably something to be concerned about.

 

 

So, what to do? What to do?

This is what I would do: I would sit him down and say something along the lines of:

 

"look, I'm getting texts and screenshots from an unknown number that might either be this ex-coworker or someone else. You're not giving me the whole picture and it is making me uncomfortable and not able to trust you. I love you and I want us to succeed. But this is a situation that neither you or I wanted to come into our lives together and it is hurting us as a couple. We need to clear the air. And so I am giving you this opportunity to tell me the whole truth about ex-coworker. I give you my vow of secrecy. I'll take anything you say to me to the grave. I promise I'll try to control my reaction and discuss this with you in a mature and reasonable way. I just need to know. I need to be able to trust you and likewise, you need to be able to trust me with your deepest darkest secrets. Will you please tell me the whole story so we can get past this?"

 

 

To be honest I did not think of this scenario and is quite possibly the case! They worked together for several years. In her first email months ago she mentioned his son and said she hoped he was doing well. I thought that was odd. 1) Because a lot of people would barely remember the name of a co-worker from 5 years ago much less their son's name! 2) Saying she couldn't "get over him" sounds as if there is more to their past than a working relationship.

 

 

Thank you so much for the clarity and the words to continue to this discussion with him!

[nicknacksnack]

In this case, unless further "evidence" comes to light, it sounds reasonable to conclude he was enjoying the attention but wasn't going to actually cheat.

 

You're lucky she apparently shot herself in the foot, because it's definitely possible for things like this to become a slippery slope where it does lead to real feelings (an emotional affair) and eventually to a physical affair. It sounds like it was an emotional affair on her side, but really not even that on his.

 

You have a right to feel threatened and upset he didn't tell you. He should have. You might also feel relieved that he apparently passed a significant test.

 

 

Thank you so much for the reply and support! I agree with you about the slippery slope and we definitely have discussed at length how this was the danger zone and could have easily turned into more. You have given me more to think about and I truly appreciate that!

[preraph]

I don't know what's wrong with some men. I've been through it myself. Even when they're not interested in someone who's coming on strong, some of them like the flattery so much that they just encourage them and do ZERO to put a stop to it. On the other foot, most women would shut it down right away because they wouldn't feel flattered that someone they weren't attracted to was attracted to them anyway, but it seems to be an ego and validation thing for those who do keep orbiters and flatterers around.

 

 

He lied to you. That's the worst thing that seems to have happened here. Might he have bedded her once? I guess she'd have told you that by now since she's unloading it on you about the emails.

 

If he truly had no intentions and he knew it would upset you a lot, then you can certainly see the motivation for not ever mentioning it to you. Has he even mentioned her at all?

 

So the lying is serious, especially after you busted him and he still didn't come clean. But it's surely turned him off this other woman for good, so maybe something good came out of it.

 

I don't think this is reason to leave him. I think there's room to set some rules and work on it but only if he is willing to do it. If he gives you any crap or tries to say YOU are too jealous or too insecure or gaslight you in any way, then I say pull the plug. Because even if you are insecure or jealous, that seems like it had nothing to do with this and that this was all him and her.

 

If it were me, like I said, I'd check his attitude and see if he's willing to take the blame and willing to talk through it and comply with a couple of rules.

 

The first one would be, Don't let me catch you in a lie again.

The second one would be, In the future, if some woman is coming on to you, you need to firmly shut it down with her immediately. I don't care if she's your "friend" or your coworker or if you think she's "harmless" or whether you were "never going to do anything." You shut it down so she knows to back off instead of basking in the flattery and lying to me.

 

And if you ever become so attracted to one that you can't shut it down, break up with me first and do whatever you want from there.

 

If he's reasonable and remorseful you can get past this. If he's none of the above, I don't see the point in getting past it.

[pepperbird]

op,

what he did or didn't do with this women before you met him doesn't matter. Don't waste your time trying to explain his behavior. That's the first step to accepting it.

 

 

What he did wasn't acceptable. Whether he actually cheated on you with her you may never know. What you do know is that, even when asked point blank, he lied. He was either protecting himself or her, but whatever the reason, you were not the top priority.

 

 

Odd as it may sound, he was actually presented you with an opportunity not many have. He has shown you a glimpse of his morals and ethics. His ethics? It's okay to lie to you if he feels like it. He will put someone else's feelings over yours. If you hadn't caught him, you would never have known about this, and there is a high change he could well have gone a lot further with her thank just some emails and texts.

 

This comes down to trust. Do you feel you can trust him? If you do, that's great. If not, you have some decisions to make. Can you stay in a relationship with someone you don't feel you can trust?

[d0nnivain]

You gotta find out why he lied. The lying is the problem here. The communication between them seems innocuous so why hide it? If lying is his default path of least resistance that is not good. Until you know that you can't proceed.

[nicknacksnack]

I don't know what's wrong with some men. I've been through it myself. Even when they're not interested in someone who's coming on strong, some of them like the flattery so much that they just encourage them and do ZERO to put a stop to it. On the other foot, most women would shut it down right away because they wouldn't feel flattered that someone they weren't attracted to was attracted to them anyway, but it seems to be an ego and validation thing for those who do keep orbiters and flatterers around.

 

 

He lied to you. That's the worst thing that seems to have happened here. Might he have bedded her once? I guess she'd have told you that by now since she's unloading it on you about the emails.

 

If he truly had no intentions and he knew it would upset you a lot, then you can certainly see the motivation for not ever mentioning it to you. Has he even mentioned her at all?

 

So the lying is serious, especially after you busted him and he still didn't come clean. But it's surely turned him off this other woman for good, so maybe something good came out of it.

 

I don't think this is reason to leave him. I think there's room to set some rules and work on it but only if he is willing to do it. If he gives you any crap or tries to say YOU are too jealous or too insecure or gaslight you in any way, then I say pull the plug. Because even if you are insecure or jealous, that seems like it had nothing to do with this and that this was all him and her.

 

If it were me, like I said, I'd check his attitude and see if he's willing to take the blame and willing to talk through it and comply with a couple of rules.

 

The first one would be, Don't let me catch you in a lie again.

The second one would be, In the future, if some woman is coming on to you, you need to firmly shut it down with her immediately. I don't care if she's your "friend" or your coworker or if you think she's "harmless" or whether you were "never going to do anything." You shut it down so she knows to back off instead of basking in the flattery and lying to me.

 

And if you ever become so attracted to one that you can't shut it down, break up with me first and do whatever you want from there.

 

If he's reasonable and remorseful you can get past this. If he's none of the above, I don't see the point in getting past it.

 

 

He has never once mentioned her. Ever. I found out about her when I got the texts.

 

 

I have insecurities just like everyone else, and to be honest he is the first man in my life that I have trusted 100% and had no suspicions ever of him cheating on me. I have never once questioned anything about him or how he feels about me. This is why the communication and lies are so devastating.

 

 

 

He has taken full responsibility and has said that it will never happen again. Just trying to work through the lies and the why's behind them.

 

 

Thank you so much for your perspective and advice. I truly appreciate it

[nicknacksnack]

op,

what he did or didn't do with this women before you met him doesn't matter. Don't waste your time trying to explain his behavior. That's the first step to accepting it.

 

 

What he did wasn't acceptable. Whether he actually cheated on you with her you may never know. What you do know is that, even when asked point blank, he lied. He was either protecting himself or her, but whatever the reason, you were not the top priority.

 

 

Odd as it may sound, he was actually presented you with an opportunity not many have. He has shown you a glimpse of his morals and ethics. His ethics? It's okay to lie to you if he feels like it. He will put someone else's feelings over yours. If you hadn't caught him, you would never have known about this, and there is a high change he could well have gone a lot further with her thank just some emails and texts.

 

This comes down to trust. Do you feel you can trust him? If you do, that's great. If not, you have some decisions to make. Can you stay in a relationship with someone you don't feel you can trust?

 

 

Thank you for your honesty! Those are some hard questions I'm asking myself. I guess knowing what their relationship was before me seems important because maybe I feel that it is actually worse to be communicating with someone you actually slept with. But, you're right, in the big picture it doesn't really matter. Either way, he was wrong.

 

 

 

The lies are very serious. I repeatedly asked him and he lied every time until I actually got the screenshots of the emails. That is the killer for me. I trust him in many ways, but of course there is a lingering thought of is he telling me the truth. I did tell him that if he ever lies to be again about ANYTHING we are over.

 

 

 

Thank you again for response and honest thoughts!

[nicknacksnack]

You gotta find out why he lied. The lying is the problem here. The communication between them seems innocuous so why hide it? If lying is his default path of least resistance that is not good. Until you know that you can't proceed.

 

 

He told me that he thought lying about the emails and making it seem that the communication was minimal would be easier. I said easier on who? He said you. I didn't want you to think there was something when there wasn't and the more communication we had would make you feel like you there was something going on when it really wasn't.

 

 

That's very hard for me to swallow. I assured him that telling the truth (no matter how hard or painful it might be for me) would have been a million times better than lying. He jeopardized our relationship and my trust over someone who didn't really matter. That is very hurtful and makes absolutely no sense.

 

 

 

Thank you for your thoughts and your honest response!

[d0nnivain]

His explanation fits with human nature. It's not good but understandable. Not telling you & then lying were easier then trying to explain. Most people will always take the path of least resistance. If he previously dated somebody who blew up every molehill into a mountain, that may explain why he did what he did.

 

If you are inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt you have to make it safe for him to tell you the bad stuff too. He may never have had that experience before.

 

That said if he lies again about anything no matter how well intentioned you have to accept that he's just a liar. Then you have hard decisions to make about whether you want to put up with that.

[preraph]

He told me that he thought lying about the emails and making it seem that the communication was minimal would be easier. I said easier on who? He said you. I didn't want you to think there was something when there wasn't...

 

 

To that, you say, But obviously, there WAS something there and you had to know it. If there wasn't "anything there," she wouldn't have tried to break up his marriage. He fed this some way. I think with both your attitudes you can get past it but make sure he understands that there was something there and he didn't NIP IT!

[nicknacksnack]

His explanation fits with human nature. It's not good but understandable. Not telling you & then lying were easier then trying to explain. Most people will always take the path of least resistance. If he previously dated somebody who blew up every molehill into a mountain, that may explain why he did what he did.

 

If you are inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt you have to make it safe for him to tell you the bad stuff too. He may never have had that experience before.

 

That said if he lies again about anything no matter how well intentioned you have to accept that he's just a liar. Then you have hard decisions to make about whether you want to put up with that.

 

 

Thank you! The bold part is actually very important. I have been doing a lot of reading about this. I don't believe he has had that experience and had a very traumatic childhood. It doesn't excuse what he's done, but it certainly helps explain a bit.

 

 

 

I agree 100% on what you said about the lying.

 

 

 

Thank you again!

[nicknacksnack]

To that, you say, But obviously, there WAS something there and you had to know it. If there wasn't "anything there," she wouldn't have tried to break up his marriage. He fed this some way. I think with both your attitudes you can get past it but make sure he understands that there was something there and he didn't NIP IT!

 

 

You are 100% correct. I told him it is important for him to figure out why he did it. He DEFINITELY got something out of it. It's important for him to recognize that so that it doesn't happen again. I mean if you don't know why you did it, what prevents you from doing it again? I cannot sit around and wait for that to happen again.

 

 

Thank you so much!

[stillafool]

She sent those anonymous emails hoping you would break up with him so she can have him. Still, he shouldn't have lied to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I agree 100% on what you said about the lying.

 

Well OP, be nice to get the DeLorean up to 85 mph and see how this all turns out, eh?

 

Were your lives intertwined with marriage, kids and home, no doubt you should stay and fight for the relationship.

 

But isn’t this why you date, so you can find out the type of person you’re committed to? He obviously failed on two counts, one of omission and the other of commission. Were it me, wouldn’t wait around for strike three.

 

Hope he proves to be the exception to the rule...

 

Mr. Lucky