15 Years of Marriage

[JackieOHappy]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and together for 17. You would think we would have everything under control by now and just riding out time like two birds in a love nest. That is not the case.

 

To make this short let me break down my marriage.

 

The first 8 years:::

my husband either barely held a job or had jobs where he wouldn't work full time. His contribution to our household was minimal and he blame child support payments for this. He also had a drug problem and it took me two years to get him to stop doing narcotics. It took me 8 years to get him to realize that smoking marijuana was preventing him from getting better jobs.

Also, during this time my husband cheated on my multiple times but only admits to once. He just stays silent now about the others. Hasn't confessed but doesn't deny it. He did deny it at the time though.

 

Around the 8th year:::

I helped him get a loan to go back to school to start a career and he finally started working a regular job making good money. I paid for his child support some during his school so he wouldn't fall behind. 2 years later I paid off his loan because I was a cosigner and it was hurting my credit and he didn't pay for it.

 

Around the 10th year::

We both worked for the same company for traveling across the US together until two years ago. (3 years) My husband's son, my stepson, had to move in with us after his mother was arrested for possession of narcotics and attempted manslaughter.

 

My stepson, who I'll call Tony, has never lived with us. We always came to the area he resided in and rented a hotel for a week to visit him. We did this every 6 weeks. We paid for his school, provided insurance, paid child support and took him on vacations. Every visit and during our time on the road we called and questioned him about the usual. How is life? How is school? Is everyone treating you well? Do you need anything? etc.

 

His replies were that everything was always so great. Then one day BAM. We get a call from social services saying that we have to drop everything and pick him up.

 

We didn't have a house so I bought a cheap one cash.

We didn't have anything so I took to buying all the furniture and necessities for the house. Then one of us had to stay with him while the other continued working. We agreed it would have to be me because some areas of the country we travel to are not safe. I didn't feel comfortable traveling alone to these areas and my husband didn't want me to either.

 

Today:::

So here I am making a fraction of the money I use to make and trying to take care of a household. Now my husband makes the most money and he rubs it in my face every chance he gets.

 

My problems today are:

 

-I feel unappreciated and if I bring this up to him he says I am living in the past and he has changed and he isn't going to acknowledge my problems if I bring up anything about the past.

 

- His son constantly fails classes and does the minimum. You constantly have to tell him to do the same things over and over again and watch him like he is 12. He's 19 and a Senior in HS. He didn't get a job until he was 18. He calls his dad every time I get onto him and me and my husband constantly get into arguments about his grades, his responsibilities. My husband just wants to let him do whatever until he graduates and then kick him out of the house.

 

- We are saving away to buy a new house and my husband wants to buy a cheap small house to pay it off fast. I'm on the fence about this because I feel like I have pushed us through the majority of life sacrificing everything I ever wanted for myself for the good of him and our family yet now I am going to be stuck with a forever home that isn't what I ever imagined retiring in. Why is it OK for me to sacrifice for years and now it's his turn to be the bread winner and he wants to go cheap. Maybe I'm just bitter or feel jilted but I really feel like crying. All the time lately. Really. It hurts to give over a decade of your effort to someone and feel like you get just a fraction of effort from the.

[schlumpy]

Why is it OK for me to sacrifice for years and now it's his turn to be the bread winner and he wants to go cheap. Maybe I'm just bitter or feel jilted but I really feel like crying. All the time lately. Really. It hurts to give over a decade of your effort to someone and feel like you get just a fraction of effort from the.

 

It isn't OK but you agreed to it. In my opinion you have been taken advantage of. Where your husband should have been looking out for you because your nature is to sacrifice and help he instead became one of the takers.

 

You are late to the game to correct anything. Your spouse has worked himself into position of dominance in your marriage and it sounds like he doesn't want to let it go.

 

Your first action should be to get rid of his kid. The day after he graduates and is still hung over, drive him down to the recruiting office and have him sign some documents.

 

Ok, that problem is solved.

 

If you are young enough can you go back to school and restart your own career? Can you get a job with another company doing what you have been trained to do? It's time to even up the ledger. Your payed forward and now it's time to reap the rewards.

 

I doubt your spouse will approve so expect some blowback but I think your time on the stage is coming up. Make the opportunity work for you.

[d0nnivain]

If the son is now 19 you don't need to be home for him. Go back to work making better money. Once you are on more equal footing financially, then talk about what's fair.

[vla1120]

You were able to maintain the family and household on your own before. You can get back to that level of income. You can go back to work full time, maybe in a different job (depending on your skills and experience.)

 

Don't even bother trying to reason with your husband. He has conveniently forgotten his years of joblessness and he's not likely to remember now. He's more likely to continue to push the current situation in your face.

 

Do whatever you need to do to expedite your career back to where it was and take control of your future.