SBM1111 Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 Has your MM or MW ever ended things but came back again a few days/weeks later? If so what was their reason for ending it? Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 Oh sure, I think most affairs have their on and offs. Ours was pretty simple in that it was relatively short lived - basically sex with very clear boundaries that neither of us wanted to get emotionally involved. He was worried about getting caught and "guilty". Apparently that guilt or risk would lessen and he would come sniffing back around. Eventually *I* got busted which sent him into hiding for months - until he came sniffing back around but by that time I was done and didn't start anything back up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hrgirl915 Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 Unfortunately there were many starts and stops. It can be a vicious cycle. For me one day reality just finally set in. I was joking with him about “choosing” me and he replied he had chose me, for 6 years. But unfortunately he had “made a wrong choice that now he had to live with.” Essentially he told me that he chose me to be his mistress. I reflected on a lot and realized in my blind stupor, the only time I could truly count on him was when he had a reservation with me at a hotel. Any other time, he was not there for me despite his professed love and care. Not emotionally, not financially, not even as a friend. My feelings were always minimized. Things he promised me, never came to fruition. Commitments were broken. Just hotel room appointments. I’m embarrassed, ashamed and greatly depressed. But I am also done being used. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 Towards the end it felt like she was "ending" it, but we'd still see each other most days where she worked. So it felt on/off for a few months. Then in January she left for her new job and NC since. She has an email, I have an email, but NC. Maybe part of me hopes for an email one day, but rationally I know for certain it would just be a mistake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SBM1111 Posted October 1, 2019 Author Share Posted October 1, 2019 Hopefully someone can help. MM and I haven’t been seeing each other long but he ended things today. He said he didn’t see it going anywhere and it wouldn’t be good to continue. His reason were he could see it was hurting me not being able to give me what I needed and wanted eg more contact and meet ups and because his wife asked to check his phone and while she doesn’t know she suspects and he’s worried about loosing his family. I feel it was partially my fault as I came hard on him and made him feel bad about not responding to me and not giving me more time. Stupid I know but now I realise that I should have spoke to him about it and try to sort something regarding contact but he decided it’s better now than later down the line. To say I’m broken hearted is an under statement. Is there any chance of retrieval or getting him back?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 His wife suspects and frankly you are not worth it for him to keep seeing you. Is that really the best you can do? He has rejected you, take the hint. Maintain your dignity and keep walking away with your head held high. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 His reason were he could see it was hurting me not being able to give me what I needed and wanted eg more contact and meet ups and because his wife asked to check his phone and while she doesn’t know she suspects and he’s worried about loosing his family. I feel it was partially my fault as I came hard on him and made him feel bad about not responding to me and not giving me more time. Stupid I know but now I realise that I should have spoke to him about it and try to sort something regarding contact but he decided it’s better now than later down the line. To say I’m broken hearted is an under statement. Is there any chance of retrieval or getting him back?? SBM - This whole response made me very sad for you. I don’t intend to cast stones as I made the very poor choice to enter and maintain an A for several years, but you are already minimizing your worth in the situation and I promise that is a behavior that would/will continue as long as your stay in the A cycle. You ask, he pulls back, then you back pedal and lower your expectations. This man is trying to do the right thing and you’re flagrantly ignoring that. Trust me when I say, he is giving you a gift. It is a disappointment or a blow to the ego, but it is saving you from disaster, especially being culpable for the destruction of at least one family (you don’t say if you too have a spouse or family). I hope for both your sakes this man blocks you and maintains NC. Link to post Share on other sites
lindt1111 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 (edited) It’s hard to go through Edited October 2, 2019 by lindt1111 Error Link to post Share on other sites
Author SBM1111 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Share Posted October 2, 2019 I know the situation and I know it will never last and ultimately will end yet I don’t want it to end now over me trying to push him. I feel I was over emotional and pushed him away and all this is my fault. I feel my neediness and being emotional made him feel guilty and that’s why he left. He said he didn’t want to end it but it was the best thing as it was going nowhere. I didn’t respond to his message. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I know I sound naive and stupid here but what should I do now? Will I ever hear from him again? Is there any chance he could change his mind? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 I don't know your situation and of course it's hard to say for certain, but I believe there's a reasonable chance he will contact you at some point unless he felt very threatened (e.g. from his wife finding out or you being "erratic"). He will probably have some desire to contact you. Whether he acts on it or not is another matter. Whatever HE does, try to stay as strong as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SBM1111 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Share Posted October 2, 2019 I don't know your situation and of course it's hard to say for certain, but I believe there's a reasonable chance he will contact you at some point unless he felt very threatened (e.g. from his wife finding out or you being "erratic"). He will probably have some desire to contact you. Whether he acts on it or not is another matter. Whatever HE does, try to stay as strong as you can. I personally feel he got pressure from both sides, couldn’t process it that’s why he backed off and stayed low. Is there anything I can do or should do now? Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 It happened once. He thought he needed to break up with me, and he did, because of “family“ reasons. I understood and I let him go. I wasn’t particularly nice about it, but I made it clear that I respected his choice, and that I wouldn’t fight for the relationship. After that he constantly reached out, and I engaged, or didn’t engage, depending on my mood, because I was still disappointed and angry. I focused on living my life. Which didn’t take much of an effort, because I had always had my own life, my job, my career, my family, my friends, my hobbies, etc. I simply respected his choice. Didn’t take long, maybe a few weeks or a few months, I don’t really remember, and he was back full force. And now we are together happily in a relationship. He divorced a long time ago. He just needed time to figure things out, and come to terms with ending his long-term marriage. I’ve always been understanding of this. It has got to be hard to let go of somebody you have known for decades, and you’ve been married to for years and years, even if you’re convinced that you’re not happy in the marriage any longer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 It has got to be hard to let go of somebody you have known for decades, and you’ve been married to for years and years, even if you’re convinced that you’re not happy in the marriage any longer. The situation here is completely different though, this MM flat out told the OP he doesn't want to lose his marriage. OP, it's time to delete and block his contract details. Move forward and find someone who's available to love you 100% of the the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SBM1111 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Share Posted October 2, 2019 He told me he doesn’t care about the marriage he cares about loosing the kids. He has never done this before neither have I and it hasn’t being going in for too long. Hence why I think/hope he may have panicked a bit when the pressure was applied from all sides, although I may be wrong also. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 He told me he doesn’t care about the marriage he cares about loosing the kids. He has never done this before neither have I and it hasn’t being going in for too long. Any thoughts? Sure. He's full of it. He cares soooooooooooooomuch about his kids that he can'teven considerdivorce, yet he is doing the one thing that could end his marriage in one of he most painful ways possible for his kids. Never done this before? He might be telling the truth, but I highly doubt it. I know you don't like to think about his wife, but really, you should. I say that because, if you want an insight into who he really is, that's how you'll get it. Chances are, he goes home after spending time with you and goes to bed with his wife. They go about their daily lives, he hugs her, tells her he loves her. They plan for the future, spend time with their kids, he holds, her, they cuddle, he kisses her goodbye. His wife? If he's ever told you negative things about her, there's a high chance he's either exaggerating or outright lying. She's likely just an average person, living her life, raising her family and thinking she has a faithful husband who loves her. Does she deserve to be cheated on? Of course not...but he's doing it anyway. What he's doing to her shows you what he's capable of if he feels it will get him what he wants. You are no different. You don't deserve crappy treatment, yet every time you accept it or make excuses, you'll just show him how low you're willing to sink. Please don't do that. There is such a high chance you'll get hurt and walk away with nothing more than a lot of wasted time and a broken heart. See how he treats his wife? Unless you want to be the next in line for that, count yourself lucky it's over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 His wife suspects and frankly you are not worth it for him to keep seeing you. Is that really the best you can do? He has rejected you, take the hint. Maintain your dignity and keep walking away with your head held high. This....this is exactly what i was going to say lol. Yes, this is what usually happens. The wife gets a whiff of something so he cools it, then when the wife is satisfied he'll come sniffing around again. I don't understand affairs. It's not a real relationship, it's not real love and someone always inevitably gets hurt. I don't know why people subject themselves to that. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 Is there any chance of retrieval or getting him back?? No. You pushed too hard so he backed off. That's what they do. You are not important enough to make that sacrifice for. His wife is. Accept it and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 I feel I was over emotional and pushed him away and all this is my fault. I feel my neediness and being emotional made him feel guilty and that’s why he left. I know I sound naive and stupid here but what should I do now? Will I ever hear from him again? Is there any chance he could change his mind? No and no. Once a mistress starts getting over emotional and clingy they run for the hills. That's not what they want in their OW. He fed you crap about it going nowhere and how its for the best because it's hurting you, but really he's sighing with relief. You got in too deep and he bolted. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 He told me he doesn’t care about the marriage he cares about loosing the kids. He has never done this before neither have I and it hasn’t being going in for too long. Hence why I think/hope he may have panicked a bit when the pressure was applied from all sides, although I may be wrong also. Any thoughts? Classic lines of a married man. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 (edited) I don’t want it to end now over me trying to push him. I feel I was over emotional and pushed him away and all this is my fault. I feel my neediness and being emotional made him feel guilty and that’s why he left. How does it feel, being in a relationship with a man where you can’t ask for what you want? Where you can’t be who you are? How does it feel to be in a relationship where you feel the burden of being/doing exactly what he wants - with the hope that he will pick you? You realize that this is not healthy for you, right? It’s not normal. A normal and healthy relationship will not come from this affair. He is not wrong, this relationship is going nowhere and it is in your best interest to end it. Be grateful that he is giving you the truth and perhaps has the kindness to walk away - rather than giving you false hope and stringing you along for a long time... Although, chances are good not that he felt guilt but that he is afraid of being caught. If his family is his priority, he needs to protect them - and himself. Edited October 2, 2019 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 Take this as a blessing and start to work on yourself and understand why you are willing to take crumbs from a man who supposedly loves his wife and cheats on her? This is not a man of character or worth. It hurts like hell, I am sure, but it does not amount to the many years of pain you would be in if you stay for years in a dead end relationship with zero to show for it. Giving this man the best of your years and he gives you nothing in return except for crumbs. Though it may not feel like it, you will get through this in time. Head up. Go through the pain, and grow from it; you'll be better for it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 I’m sure it’s hard to understand how something that hurts like hell can be the greatest blessing in your life - but this is exactly that. Indeed, feel the pain. And grow. Life has bigger plans for you than being the other woman, or even being together with/marrying, a man who could lie and cheat on his wife. But, only if you open yourself to the possibility and go find it... Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 I agree with Bailey. If this is the same guy you were posting about a month ago then this affair has only been going for about 6 weeks and here you are already begging for scraps. Already throwing away your pride and self respect for some cheating man. You're not really heartbroken, it's not you have lost someone you have loved for many years. You're just infatuated and acting like a teenage girl. If you know this affair can't last and he won't ever leave his wife then why bother? It's not like it will be easier to let go later on, it will just get harder. Sounds like this affair barely got off the ground. Did the two of you have sex? If not then maybe his head cleared and he realized he needed to stop this before things went too far and he did something he would deeply regret. If he did have sex with you then maybe that was all he was after and he has no further use for you. Either way it doesn't bode well for you. What you should do now is gather up your dignity and leave him be. Maintain your dignity and don't chase him. See this as the mistake it was and set higher standards for yourself 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 anika has a good point. If this is the same man you have been posting about previously, you have definitely been the more interested party. If this is the case, you really need to ask yourself why you have set yourself up to be hurt/disappointed in this way... and why you have not been more respectful of the fact that this man is married. A little introspection would be warrented as you move on from this and learn this life lesson... Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 Is there anything I can do or should do now? As you are reading in the comments above, the best thing is to come to grips with the situation, recognize it for what it is, settle yourself emotionally, and walk away. What would you gain by actually re-initiating things? Just more distress for yourself over essentially nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
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