gettinoverit Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 OP honestly - that hope you are clinging on to is the biggest killer. Will he come back? Probably would be my guess. They usually do once the dust settles and the coast is clear. but what you need to consider is NOT "Is he coming back?" but "WHY?" If he is coming back to you, divorce papers in hand, telling you he wants to be with you - proceed with caution. ANYTHING else - abort mission and run for the hills. Because he is NOT going to suddenly wake up one day and realize he wants to be with you. They know whether they do or they don't. And it sounds to me - sorry to say - that he doesn't have any forever plans around you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 I personally feel he got pressure from both sides, couldn’t process it that’s why he backed off and stayed low. Is there anything I can do or should do now? You can and should put all your focus back on yourself, loving yourself, being kind to yourself, validating yourself without looking to MM to do that for you. Set some new goals for yourself, write out the steps to achieve them, schedule and do those steps. This will help you re-center yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SBM1111 Posted October 3, 2019 Author Share Posted October 3, 2019 (edited) Thanks for all the advice and for taking the time to reply. I seen him at work today first time since he text to end it. I didn’t reply to his message.. don’t know if that was a good move or bad one? Anyway seen him today, he didn’t blank me I did catch him looking a few times but avoided me the rest of the day. Still nc. At one point I felt f*** him his loss he’s the one that left me and he should have made more effort but was a coward and ran at the least bit of turbulence. On the other side I know I’m going to get slated for this but seeing him today made me miss him more. I cant help how I feel. I haven’t decided if I am going to reach out to him eventually (over coming weeks) or just leave it. I know you will all advise against it But those who have been in an affair I’m sure you can empathize with the longing to get them back Edited October 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 ...At one point I felt...he should have made more effort but was a coward and ran at the least bit of turbulence. This "turbulence" as you call it may have meant he lost his wife and his children and cost him half his assets... and for what? You need to see this for what it is, an affair. Most men with children will not see an OW and an affair as something they need to put before their family... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 SBM, I think the unfortunate truth is that continuing to see him at work is very likely going to continue triggering you to miss him etc for quite some time. Suggest you think of some ways to either minimize this or better yet stop it altogether. It's really not a good situation for your emotional health. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SBM1111 Posted October 4, 2019 Author Share Posted October 4, 2019 I appreciate people taking the time to comment and thank you all for that however I posted this thread to see if anyone has ever been in a similar situation and could advise me on how to get him back. If anyone has advice or suggestion for that please post Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 IF you really wish to attempt this, I suspect your best bet would be to wait for things to cool down a bit and then make it clear that you're still open to the affair, e.g. by paying attention to him, re-establishing "friendship," flirting a bit, etc. Making it clear that sex is on the table will doubtless help. As Elaine mentioned above, you will also want to make clear that you're not likely to "rock the boat" and threaten his marriage. None of this is any guarantee as you don't know what his current reasoning may be, but I suspect it's your best bet. I feel obligated to point out that, in doing the above, you're putting BOTH of your JOBS at risk, as well as his MARRIAGE and finances, not to mention the emotional health of all 3 of you (yours, his, and his BW's) AND his children's if he has any. Probably your reputation as well. I also strongly suspect, if you do the above, you will feel quite down on yourself whether you "win" short-term here or not. Can this be possibly be worth it? Why don't you consider just finding someone else - seems much more sensible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 Pursuing him hasn’t worked. Maybe try the opposite. Link to post Share on other sites
Tristian Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 I appreciate people taking the time to comment and thank you all for that however I posted this thread to see if anyone has ever been in a similar situation and could advise me on how to get him back. If anyone has advice or suggestion for that please post Standard reminder that civility and respect guidelines do apply in the infidelity sections. The OP has indicated what kind of advice they are seeking. If you can help in that area feel free. If you cannot there are many more threads to contribute to that may be more to your liking. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 If anyone has advice or suggestion for that please post Depends on his real reasons for ending it. If he is worried about his marriage and his wife finding out then you may have to try to persuade him that you are no threat to his marriage and that you will accept the OW role on his terms. If he is ending it as he is just not feeling it for some reason, then it may be impossible to get him back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SBM1111 Posted October 7, 2019 Author Share Posted October 7, 2019 (edited) Elaine, his reasons were that it was hurting me too much because he said he couldn’t give me what I wanted eg more communication etc. He said he didn’t want it to end but felt it was better than to cause me pain in the long run. He said it would kill him to see me with another guy but I deserved better. I know none of you will believe this but I know him and I do believe it Edited October 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 (edited) Yeah this is all a line. He made it sound like he was doing it all for you, that he don't want to hurt you, when actually he is worried about getting caught out by his wife. Many MM say the same thing. Edited October 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 Yep. Definitely a line. He was letting you down gently so you do not blow up his world. He cannot give you what you need and want. Move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 He’s not wrong with anything he said. The mistake you are making is in thinking that your feelings are his primary concern - they are not. He is not that selfless... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 Elaine, his reasons were that it was hurting me too much because he said he couldn’t give me what I wanted eg more communication etc. I specifically said "real reasons" as I guess those he gave are not the real reasons he is ending it. Link to post Share on other sites
ABernie Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 From what I have read about successful As to Rs on here and elsewhere, the APs took a break to sort everything out with their own families and lives - often with NC and often for years. I'll have to research the user on here. I have yet to read anything where an A is ended and the AP persuades the WS to come back. As much as I am so angry with my MM, I sometimes wonder what my reaction would be if in a few years, neither of us were seeing anyone and we ran into each other. I'm not even hopeful about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 his reasons were that it was hurting me too much because he said he couldn’t give me what I wanted eg more communication etc. He said he didn’t want it to end but felt it was better than to cause me pain in the long run. SBMM, I think we should take him at his word. Even if you continue to see each other, he can’t/won’t give you the communication, etc. you desire. You will have to accept that. He’s telling you he is ending it, regardless of the reasons. If you were a man, and he were a woman, we would be all over you to cease pressuring him after he has clearly stated it is over. As I mentioned before, pursuing him, pressuring him, isn’t/hasn’t worked. More of the same will most likely drive him further away. Do the opposite; based on what he told you, it is your only hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamwalker17 Posted October 28, 2019 Share Posted October 28, 2019 Yes, three weeks after our final ending he came back to tell me he will be getting a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
LIRR88 Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 (edited) Yeah this is all a line. He made it sound like he was doing it all for you, that he don't want to hurt you, when actually he is worried about getting caught out by his wife. Many MM say the same thing. I agree with you and the previous poster. My MM communicated with me on and off for months, but when I finally threatened to exposed him out of sheer anger and frustration, he completely ghosted me. I haven’t heard from him in months and I don’t believe any of that “I don’t wanna hurt you” crap. They just don’t wanna get caught so they will say anything to save themselves. Edited October 30, 2019 by LIRR88 Misspelling Link to post Share on other sites
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