I’m Finding it Hard Losing My Friend

[Eyebrows]

I worked with a woman for about a year, she’s a bit older than me (43, I’m 31). I felt we go at on well and there were a lot of great moments in the friendship. I developed an attraction to her and felt like it might have been reciprocated. She tapped my butt once at work, stuck a post it note like at the very top of my thigh and generally was quite touchy-feely, said I was her work husband and not we used to kid about like we were in a relationship. Other little thing too - I don’t know, I think you can read too much into things when you like someone. I’d drawn a stick figure of myself and jokingly said she didn’t have photo of me on her desk and she stuck it over the photo of her partner that she had when they were still together, it was a photo of her, him and their son.

 

She adopted a 3 year old last years, split up with her partner of ten years (not married) in June but he’s still living in the house.

 

At her leaving do I got emotional and told her I liked her, I’d planned on broaching the flirting with her anyway but not in that way. And then I panicked because I’m aware I have an anxious attachment style and sent what was an overly long message about valuing her friendship and that it hadn’t mean to lot to me. And now we don’t speak, at all, i rejoined the works Whatsapp group and she left almost immediately.

 

We were good friends and I’m dealing with both her not being attracted to me like I thought and also losing a good friend, and actually I am REALLY sensitive to losing people. When I volunteered abroad I would hate when’s I’d have to say goodbye to people. And I’m kicking myself for getting drunk and messing up.

 

Was I that crazy to misread things, I feel embarrassed for thinking that she was interested. I’m off work with depression at the moment but when I’d checked my work phone she’d accidentally cc’d me into a work email instead of someone else with the same surname and even that upset me cause I got my hopes up until I opened the email!

Edited October 1, 2019 by Eyebrows

[preraph]

Sorry you're upset. Sounds like she's a lighthearted person and you getting all intense kind of freaked her out. So you told her you liked her and then followed up with "Our friendship didn't mean that much to me"?

 

Can you remember verbatim what all you said to her at the party about liking her and then what all you wrote trying to erase it?

 

And also, you didn't say what her response was to either you saying it or writing that later. What exactly did she respond?

[Eyebrows]

Oops, that should say that told her the friendship DID mean something to me. I’d bought her some leaving presents and she cried when I gave them to her because she’d been going through such a rough time at home, so she’s not that lighthearted at the moment.

 

On the night out I basically sent a text to her when I was mortal saying that I’d like to spend more time with her cause I enjoyed her company and felt we connected. I followed it up the next day saying it wasn’t just the alcohol talking and that I did care about her.

 

I didn’t get a response to that, however she emailed at work the next day saying to give her a call at her new office as I got one of her cases. At the end of that call I said it might help me if I could speak but work wasn’t the best place and she said if I want to call that would be OK, then I jumped the gun and sent the text instead to which I got no response.

 

The text basically said that I was worried I’d f’d up the friendship, that I valued her and that I didn’t want things to change, I didn’t want her to think I’d done things like the presents because I’d wanted to take things further and that it was just motivated by wanting to cheer her up because I’d cared about her as a mate. That her friendship hadn’t given me a confidence I hadn’t had since before my AVM (brain bleed) and I was proud of it ( I’m really embarrassed even typing this out cause it was so stupid) and I didn’t want us to just be two people who drifted apart because she moved offices. The text the worry and concern I’d had for her had been 100% genuine.

 

So I don’t know if maybe by even bringing that up it made her think that I had done little things to cheer her up (post it notes, etc, just goofing about at work) because I liked her when I didn’t like her until after I’d started doing all those things.

 

But someone told me she’d posted a picture on Facebook of the present I’d gotten her so I text her again about four days later just about hoping her weekend had been good, then text her the next week about my Dad as he’s diagnosed with cancer and the outlook isn’t good. She said she was sorry to hear but the texts should stop, and that was it. So I overstepped her boundaries. I was scared of losing the friendship.

Edited October 1, 2019 by Eyebrows

[preraph]

So why do you think she said you could call but not text?

 

It's because texts can be recovered during, for example divorce proceedings (I know they're just living together). If it's office, they can see anything she texts or emails if they want to. So call her like she said. Don't put feelings in writing to her if she's having problems at home. He may be reading everything and we don't know why they're still living under one roof.

 

Just call her at the office and ask if she wants to get together over coffee. Why on earth would you tell her you don't want anything to change, though? That was a lie. I'm sure she's very confused what is going on with you right now, so you better see if she's willing to meet for coffee. If not, that's your answer. If so, you should just try to relax and have a good time and maybe she'll want to do that again. You are blowing it everytime you say stuff to her, so just go to coffee and relax and don't make a federal case that you like her. Just be easy to be around and try to have fun, because her being fun is what made you like her. So you know she likes to have fun and would like someone entertaining rather than so serious.

[Foxhall]

its getting that balance right of needing good friends and a lover perhaps, but at the same time avoiding becoming overly dependent on anyone else,

 

if you are too independent you will be difficult to get to know, but then being too clingy or overly attached to someone can scare the hell out of the other person too as seems to be the situation here,

 

You declared your feelings which I think was fair enough and you got rejected,

 

shyt happens, learn from it, be careful about getting overly attached again to someone unless they make a pretty strong persuasion,

 

also you have 12 years on her, all ahead of you, no need to be feeling the victim here.

[haikss3]

My advice to you is to stop drinking completely. It don't do you anything good but only causes more trouble in your already sensitive personality. Being overly sensitive isn't key to happiness.

 

Problem is that you are also sexually attached and can't see her only as a friend. Also, you seem lonely and should relly more on your friends outside of work. Try to get a life that are balanced and don't rely only on one source of happiness. You seem like a normal person but it seems life will be easier for you when having better social health - being more social with everyone who breathes. Talk with everyone who breaths and don't care if a person is male or female, young or old.