Was in a relationship with a wonderful woman but something was missing...

[creative2]

Hi, recently I was in a relationship with a wonderful woman, I really felt she was ideal for me, she was kind, caring, supportive, pretty, everything I could have wanted in a partner. The first few times we met up it was exciting but then once the relationship started getting more serious my excitement started to fade and I didn't feel that ''spark''. I'm really confused why my feelings werent strong enough as I felt really lucky to have someone like her interested in me. Don't get me wrong the times we spent together were nice, I just can't pinpoint why I wasnt fully happy. I kept waiting and hoping to see if my feelings would get stronger over time but they didnt... She eventually broke up with me, probably sensed that I wasnt enthusiastic enough. Now I find shortly after the break up she's found someone else and it makes me really miss her and I feel depressed - but if I wasnt fully into it why do I feel so upset?

 

Some additional info - This was my first proper serious relationship and I do have problems with anxiety/OCD. Could these have played a factor as to why I wasnt fully content?

 

I really feel like ive missed out on something special, but I suppose feelings cant be forced...

[d0nnivain]

That spark to a large extent is a product of romance novels & movies. Yes it exists but it's so ethereal that it should not be the foundation of any LTR.

 

This was your 1st relationship. Therefore it was highly improbable that it would be your last, your forever, 'till death do us part relationship.

 

Whether you can define it or not, something about the relationship wasn't working for you so you ended it. That is OK. You still learned & grew from the experience. You will have more familiarity with the subject of love next time.

[lurker74]

Welcome to being human. First, some clerical things. If you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (diagnosed, not just stressed out), then it is very likely it could affect things. Anxiety can prevent attachment to otherwise perfect partners because the existence of that bond represents a source of anxiety. Ironically, the better the partner, the more that is at risk, and therefore the higher the anxiety and the greater the disassociation. So it is entirely possible.

 

On the other hand, just not felling it happens. Science hasn't identified what the "spark" is but all of us who have experienced it know what it means. I have been in relationships that withered despite outward perfection because I was simply not fully engaged. And I've been in some bad relationships that I had trouble exiting because that spark was so strong.

 

So try not to feel bad. Relationships are hard even when you are madly in love but they are hard to keep going when you are only mildly interested. As for the feeling depressed because she's moved on, that too is human and you will find it dissipates over time. I've broken up with women and felt a bit sad when they started dating others. It's just the ME centric formula of life.

[preraph]

It was your anxiety/OCD, I can assure you. Too much change for you. I hope you find a way to manage that.

[creative2]

So my anxiety could have stopped me from developing feelings/falling in love with her??? This is shocking and frustrating to me if this is the case because I really wanted her to be the one... I can understand how anxiety would have made me afraid of the commitment but I didn't think it could have stopped me from having strong feelings for her...

[smackie9]

Well you said this was your first shot at a real relationship, ask yourself why is that??...and you have been looking for how long? and how are you? I would say yes the possibility of it being your anxiety is pretty high. BUT this can only be confirmed with a therapist.

[preraph]

Anxiety and OCD are both change-resistant. Change is anxiety-making for anyone, and debilitating for those with extra high anxiety. So yes, if you already aren't, you should be working with a pro to bring the levels down. My understanding is that anxiety can very often be managed with meds and especially coupled with behavior modification therapy, and OCD can be changed with behavior modification therapy as well.

 

It's good you are not so bad that you can't even get IN a relationship, so it's not hopeless, but you need to get with a psychologist and find one who does behavior modification and put some effort into it.

[Gaeta]

It was your first relationship, maybe you were expecting to feel a certain way, like in the movies, and it didn't happen. I'd say you have unrealistic expectations.

 

How long did you date her?

 

Also, being pretty, nice and everything you're hoping for doesn't mean you'll eventually feel love for her.

 

I personally don't think it's your anxiety, falling in love is not something we can control, it happens or it doesn't.

 

 

.

[creative2]

I did keep thinking ''is the grass greener on the other side'' when I was with her but I think im starting to realise that the grass isnt greener. I don't know if this is due to lack of experience or my anxiety and I dont think ill ever figure it out for sure. I know it wouldnt have been fair to either of us to continue the relationship if I wasnt content but I really feel like ive missed out on something special...

[Gaeta]

How long did you date?

[creative2]

Just under a year... I know I shouldn't have carried it on that long but I thought it was just my anxiety making me panic about it and thought over time i'll get used to being in a relationship and that my feelings would grow... I really, really, really wanted it to work and was hoping sooooo much that I would fall in love with her eventually, if I was more experienced I probably would have ended it sooner, but like I said, I hoped my feelings would grow over time... I tried so hard to make it work. Don't get me wrong, the times with her were nice, its just my feelings didn't feel strong enough...

Edited October 2, 2019 by creative2

[Gaeta]

Next time if your feelings aren't growing don't try to analyze it, they're just not growing and end it before 3 months.

[scooby-philly]

I did keep thinking ''is the grass greener on the other side'' when I was with her but I think im starting to realise that the grass isnt greener. I don't know if this is due to lack of experience or my anxiety and I dont think ill ever figure it out for sure. I know it wouldnt have been fair to either of us to continue the relationship if I wasnt content but I really feel like ive missed out on something special...

 

OP,

 

It's not your anxiety per se. That may impact what you do or say in a relationship or whether or not you pursue someone at any given time, but it's not the penultimate factor in determining attraction.

 

It could be you're just inexperienced and not used to the post honey-moon bliss phase wearing off. Perhaps you sensed something was wrong subconsciously. Or perhaps you and her just didn't mesh that well. Attraction - aka chemistry - is not the same thing as long-term compatibility.

 

Of course, anxiety can impact a relationship and its course and outcome since it can impact what you do or say or how you perceive things as I mentioned. And it can block you from expressing emotions or making choices out of fear. But you said you just didn't feel a spark. If that's true and it wasn't your anxiety then it's just normal. The majority of relationships that don't last end at 3 key times - about 2-3 months in, a year or two in, or once at 5 years or more, when one or both partners experience a major change in their life, lifestyle, or connect with their emotions. Assuming you fall into the 2-3 month category what you expressed is normal. You were attracted, she had a lot of great qualities, but you lost the spark eventually. Again - worth exploring what really caused it - anxiety or just the normal course of things - but it's not worth beating yourself up over. Gain perspective & experience, process and reflect on it and learn and grow from it.

 

Back to one major point - chemistry and compatibility aren't not the same and they both need to be there for something to work long term. After a year or two chemistry will swing up and down with life and that's where the compatibility level comes. I just got out of a relationship where the chemistry was great. Better than anything I've ever had. And she had the vast majority of qualities/traits that I want/need in a partner. But we weren't fully compatible. She was a lot younger than me and she doesn't have the experience dating wise, the emotional maturity, and the perspective to make it work for us both. No matter how loving, kind, patient, gentle, supportive, and understanding I was it was not meant to be as she has a lot of work to do on herself and a lot to accept, learn, and challenge in her life. And consciously or unconsciously, she probably recognized that she has a lot of work to do on herself and that she needs to just live her best life as she can right now. Perhaps she even still loved me and let me go so I could find happiness and a healthy relationship. As you said, you can't force feelings or make people, even yourself, to address things you can't or don't want to address.

[kendahke]

ome additional info - This was my first proper serious relationship and I do have problems with anxiety/OCD. Could these have played a factor as to why I wasnt fully content?

 

Have you been in treatment with a therapist for this?

[Berteau]

Here’s the thing. Chemistry can’t be explained. She could be the greatest girl in the world, but still not have that chemistry. And it is normal to feel jealous and depressed when the other person gets in another relationship right away, even if you weren’t that into them. I’ve gone through that plenty of times.

[schlumpy]

I think there is too much analysis on your part. Do you consciously analyze how you walk? No? Then why try to flow chart your feelings? Being in a long-term relationship should feel natural. Not something you need to analyze. It's something that happens not something you make happen.

 

If this was your first substantial relationship how do you know you didn't hit all the buttons? Did she tell you that? What did you use for comparison?

 

Next time get rid of the spread sheet and the statistical analysis and pay attention to who you are with.

[snowboy91]

OP, as someone who has also had anxiety and depression off and on over my life, I understand what you're going through. Not knowing whether your feelings are down to your mental health or actual issues with the relationship really sucks - it was also what brought me to LS in the first place.

 

Someone can be really good to you, but not necessarily be the right person for you. You mention general things about this girl that you want (essentially "ticking the main boxes") but did you feel that you shared the same values/beliefs? Enjoyed the same activities? Related to each other in a compatible way? If any of those don't line up, then one person (and likely both) aren't going to feel content no matter how "nice" they are to their partner.

 

And we don't see this at the start of a relationship, partly because of the loved-up feelings we get at the beginning of a relationship that tend to blind us, but also because we simply haven't known them for long enough! That chemistry or "spark" does fade over time, but I've found it doesn't quite disappear completely with the right person. Even toward the end of my last relationship when we had almost nothing in common any more, I still felt a little spark of attraction. It feels very different to the beginning of the relationship, but it was there (although it doesn't counter the misery of the rest of that relationship).

 

What you're going through is pretty natural. Including the bit about her getting in a new relationship - it's a shock for most people.

[creative2]

I guess i'll never know for sure the reason I wasn't content, I do know it doesn't feel right dating anyone else at the moment, its a confusing time but i'm trying my best not to over think it.

 

We both had good and respectful morals which is one of the things I liked about her, we had a lot of nice dates and things. I guess we didn't have a huge amount in common - I like action movies and sports and she didn't so much but we always managed to compromise by going to see a comedy movie instead or something, so I don't think that really bothered me. We liked some of the same music. A lot of couples don't like the same things and they are still happy with each other, so I wasn't really picky on that side of things.

 

Something just didn't feel right though despite me thinking she was ideal for me, when we parted ways after a date I didn't miss her as much as I thought I should, I didn't really feel much emotion when we held hands, I was craving fresh experiences wondering what it'd be like dating others... I felt guilty about this but I really wanted it to work so I persisted and tried my best to see if my emotions got stronger, but unfortunately they didn't. It sucks because she really seemed into me.

 

Its strange to me how I wasnt fully content, but now its over im not interested in dating anyone new, any woman i've met since the break up hasnt been as nice as her. I keep thinking i've missed out on something really special.

 

Perhaps im just not ready for that commitment at this stage in my life either, and im destined to be single forever, I guess being single has its benefits so I should try to be content with that.

Edited October 3, 2019 by creative2

[scooby-philly]

OP,

 

Couples should not be exact clones of each other in terms of hobbies, interests, likes and dislikes. That would be weird and unhealthy. But they also need to have a lot of common ground and compromising doesn't mean deciding to do so something neither of you like. For example, you mentioned movies. You like action movies and she doesn't. What type did she like? Always going to see a comedy that satisfies neither of you isn't good. It's about her going to see an action flick with you once in a while and you going to see a movie from whatever genre she likes. But while you shouldn't be clones, if there isn't a healthy amount of overlap in interests then you will always need to compromise and that's not fun either. You mentioned couples that don't have a lot of interests working out. Well, good for them. I wonder if they're both independent people who are together for convenience or fear of starting over. Though I'm sure there's exceptions where people are generally happy with someone who there's no shared mutuality. But that's not most people.

 

There's chemistry then there's compatibility. And then there's qualities. She may have had a lot of the qualities you want in a partner, but the relationship didn't generate chemistry for you and you seem to have questioned some of the potential compatibility so kudos for you for trying but also not staying around forever. It's not mean or rude, in fact it's truthful and life giving, to be dead honest with people, especially with dating, about how you feel. She may have been into you, but would it have been fair to keep her hanging on for weeks or months till you were really dissatisfied?

 

Saying something like "I guess I'll be single forever" is an insult to you, your mental/emotional health, and your overall person-hood. Dude - she was nice. Nice girls are a bit harder to come by these days, but in reality - life isn't Hollywood. No one has a cookie cutter life. If you think something into existence for long enough it will happen. Okay - I mean with that sort of attitude thing. Go out and date. Go out and meet people - especially people with bad morals lol. Most of the "awesome" couples you see probably have one or more problems you don't know about. Don't objectify those relationships. And really great relationships, they didn't come about by one or both partners imagining the ideal partner into existence. They came about by them being themselves, opening up, sharing, and finding that when they thought they needed x or that a partner should be y, z came along and knocked them upside the head and it was perfect for them. Live your life. Pursue your passions and dreams and pay attention while you are doing it - people will come into your life and one of them may be for you!

Edited October 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[creative2]

@scooby-philly....

 

She likes light hearted movies and disney type movies which is fine, I was willing to go see these types of movies with her, the action/horror movies were too intense for her and it seemed like they made her feel uncomfortable so we generally avoided those. The comedy movies we saw both looked appealing to us - so they were fine. When I mentioned couples not having the same interests, what I meant was they have some interests that they don't agree with, but yeah they should have some of the same interests too.

 

I thought originally the discontent I had was just my anxiety and fear as it was my first proper relationship and I didn't have anything to compare it to, I thought id give it time to see if these feelings went and id start to feel more content. I gave it a good go but unfortunately that spark never appeared... It really hurts to see how she's moved on so fast, i'm actually quite traumatised of the time I saw her with her new partner, I've really been struggling to let it go.

 

Yeah nice girls are hard to come by round here, which is why I really wanted it to work with her, Its really sad and frustrating that my feelings couldn't be stronger. I'll see what happens in the future, being single can be fun too so i'll just see what happens...

Edited October 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[scooby-philly]

@creative2....

 

Dude,

 

You have to learn to trust your gut. You gave it a go as you said, and now you have had a short, mini-relationship or at least gotten some dates in - so now there's no reason for anxiety! If you can find one person you can find another.

 

You can't force your feelings anywhere with anyone in life. Not just relationships either - friendships, family, work, etc. They're hard to understand and can take years to understand one part of yourself, but they never fail you in one sense or another.

 

And TRUST me - it's a good thing that it hurts. It's normal and healthy. If you didn't hurt then you didn't care. I'm 6 weeks to the day out of a close to 2 yr relationship. Reading and responding to threads these past weeks as I've also been posting to help with my own breakup - I saw something good just yesterday and it comes to mind now. People prepare mentally for days or weeks before they break up with someone. So that's why normally the "breaker" moves on more quickly. In this case, you're probably not moving on as fast as a break typically might because this is your first relationship and because you stuck around longer then you probably wanted to underneath it all. My recent ex was back on the site where we met in 5 days after she broke it off. Now she is a lot younger than me and it was her first relationship and I'm the first person (and I feel bad on some level because now she has no one) to know the real her, love her for her, and all that. Once in a while I think about her dating profile or being out there looking for someone and it bothers me, but I remind myself I gave her all the love and support and acceptance she ever could need but she's not ready for it and she has no basis, as you said, for comparing me and what we had to other people/relationships. So while it was extraordinarily painful for the first 5.5 weeks, even worse then when I broke up with an ex-fiancee years ago, just two days ago something inside of me clicked. I had been making all the sacrifices (ldr), she hides things from people, she doesn't realize she's fake and shallow, and she doesn't having any coping mechanisms, etc., etc. - the point is not to bash her - hopefully she matures and finds someone who loves her like I did, but while she moved on, so to speak, quickly despite it being 2 years, she was probably spending 2 months preparing to leave and she's not a mature person yet so there's no thought of consequence or what she lost and no consideration of my feelings - and that's okay. I've done the work and now I'm starting to move on with the realization that I now know how to love someone, I know now how to let someone love me, and while it wasn't a "normal" relationship because of distance and other factors, I now know what exactly what I want and who I want.

 

So...back to you....it's all a learning process. Just as there's only a handful of Zuckerbergs,or Gates, or Buffets in the world, there's only a few people who marry their high school or college sweet heart and it lasts. They're very lucky. But...even Gates had struggles, Buffet wasn't a billionaire overnight, so remember, when you see a "perfect couple" remember they too could be struggling.

Edited October 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Cookiesandough]

Maybe she is good on paper, but you weren’t feeling it in the more visceral way after the novelty wore off. Maybe you’re not in a place where you 100% want a committed relationship with one person. You can kind of want it, but also kind of want to have new experiences and date others. People want two different things all the time, or certain aspects of things. It’s complicated.

[creative2]

Thank you for all the responses. Here's an update...

 

I'm still hurting from her moving on so fast, but its out of my control so I've just been trying to accept it, ive gone NC for a couple of months now. It just makes me panic thinking of this new guy making her feel more happy than I did...

 

I'll probably never know the real reason why I couldn't fall in love with her, despite really wanting to. I keep putting her on a pedestal and idolizing her but then if she was back in my life id probably feel that discontent again. I've met a few women since but there's none I like as much as her or who seem as enthusiastic about me. A big part of me feels that if I couldn't fall in love with her then I don't think I can with anyone, but i'll just have to wait and see I guess.

 

I guess some things that are helping in a way are thinking of ways she wasn't perfect, though I was feeling discontent with things before I saw this side of her, so they can't be the reason why I didn't fall in love. It was things like her giving me silent treatment/getting annoyed over little things, she could be a bit immature at times with her temper. Maybe i'm better off without her, if she got annoyed over small things then I can't imagine the issues we'd have if we lived together and a more important problem arose.

 

 

I guess a part of why it hurts is my ego/jealousy. I actually managed to get a gorgeous women with a nice personality and she also liked me! If you'd told me that a year before I met her that in a years time I'd meet someone like that I'd be over the moon! Yet, when I finally had it I still wasn't content. Maybe deep down inside being single is more suited for me, though I do like the idea of being with someone.

 

Thank you all again for the replies, there seems to be differing opinions on what the cause of my discontent was and its frustrating how confusing my emotions are with all this, but posting on here helps.

[Silver_star]

As long as we are still considering possibilities why you didn't feel close to her, or that she was the "right" fit for you to love, perhaps you logical mind was telling you she was great person and attractive but your emotions were not able to surface?

Maybe you have some emotional blocks...you described her as being immature (silent treatment or getting annoyed at little things) and how that would cause long term issues between you. Perhaps in those moments she was seeking attention from you or closeness that she wasn't getting and that was her response to her anxiety of not receiving your emotional closeness (not saying her silent treatment was right)..and your reaction was to classify her behavior as immature/annoying versus looking inward at the anxiety you were feeling in the moment about opening up emotionally?

Maybe it's a stretch but it makes some sense to me. I've also been reading alot about avoidant attachment styles because of my ex, and your situation also reads similar to that.

[creative2]

@Silver_star...

 

My emotions just didn't feel strong enough for her even though I wanted them to be. As I said earlier I felt something was missing in my feelings for her even before I saw the silent treatment/getting annoyed over little things side of her, so they can't be the reason my feelings didn't grow stronger. Most of the time things were nice and fine with her, its just i'm clutching at straws a bit trying to convince myself she wasn't right for me.

 

I did grow attached to her which is why i'm struggling so hard to let her go, whenever she gave me the silent treatment I did try talking to her to try to resolve the issue but I just had to wait it out until she calmed down and started talking to me again.

Edited October 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator