Broken and made to feel guilty

[OnceLoved]

I'm new to this forum, so please forgive the intrusion.

 

I can't handle myself right now. Thoughts of pills and knives and running in front of cars are becoming less scary.

 

We've been married for almost 28 years and I thought we were solid. Soulmates and all that crap.

 

20 years ago while I was studying he had an online relationship with a woman about 10 years older than me. Steamy stuff, lots of 'I can't imagine being without you' and everything I used to hear from him when we were dating.

 

I confronted him. He begged forgiveness, told me it was over. I believed him. Because I love him.

 

Seven years ago - our daughter was 5 - he started a relationship with a woman whom he was doing some online work for. This lasted for years and got to the point - two - TWO YEARS ago - that he wrote to her and said he loved her, craved her, couldn't be without her.

 

I can't. I'm sick to my stomach. All I want is to stop breathing.

 

I confronted him again. And he told me he still loved me but had no sexual need anymore. My hair was too short; I was no longer as attractive; I was too busy working and raising our daughter. And he felt left out. This was the same thing he said the first time around - only this time there is no remorse. No asking for forgiveness. It's like it's a given that he doesn't find me attractive or desirable - or even worth respecting.

 

All that keeps me from walking off into the night is my girl. If she was old enough I wouldn't hesitate.

 

Sad, angry, bitter, scared, broken, shattered inside. But I don't want to leave him. I love him.

 

I wrote him a letter saying if he wants to fix it I do too. No reply.

 

I had a life this morning. I no longer do.

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in as it must be debilitating for you. Your life does not begin or end with your husband. If he is in love with another woman you should pack his bags and make him go. Trying to hold on to him when he loves another will just push him further into her arms. It sound like you feel desperate and for the sake of your child and yourself now would be the time to get some independent counseling to get you through this. Do you have family or friends who live near you for support?

[preraph]

I'm afraid he's just going to trade you in for a younger model no matter what you stay and put up with. Your daughter is old enough for you to divorce, and you can be sure he has joint custody so she won't miss either of you, you know.

 

Unless this is enough for you. You love him, but he is just thinking of shallow things and trying to find someone to have sex with and make him feel young. Your daughter is going to catch onto that if she already hasn't and what kind of role model is that for her? A cheating husband she'll go out and find one just like and a mom who will put up with it, which she will grow up thinking is normal?

 

Look, my advice is assess whether he is going to drop you as soon as he finds the younger replacement that fulfills him sexually or if he's the type to stay in the marriage and have affairs. If you don't already know after 28 years, then point-blank ask him. What you don't need is to be there doing everything and putting up with it and letting your daughter be affected only to have him serve you papers once he meets a younger woman who will have him.

 

He's not going to work on it. He's already a repeat offender and he has no remorse and is blaming YOU for HIS cheating. I surely hope you are not taking all that gaslighting and internalizing it and letting him make you feel less than. He's the one with the problem. You are a normal woman doing what you said you would in the marriage and willing to work on things. Don't let him blame anything on you! Stand up to him about that. Say, How DARE you blame me for your cheating and shallowness!

 

I'll bet he'd be out the door in a heartbeat if YOU dated and had sex with someone. I'm so sorry. He's just being a foolish shallow old cad. I wouldn't be able to stay in the same house with him, especially him blaming YOU for his weakness and shallowness.

[pepperbird]

op,

take it from someone who has been in your shoes...you will get through this!

 

First off, you have a little girl who needs you. From the sound of it, she's entering her teen years soon, and she needs you so much. Please put the self harming ideas to the side, and if you think you can't, please don't be afraid to speak to a doctor. They can help.

 

Second, it;s okay to feel however you feel. It's okay to be hurt, scared, angry, jealous whatever. don't run from them. use them to your advantage.For example, if you are feeling angry, embrace that. you don't have to lash out at him, but use it as an impetus to detach from him, even if it's just a little bit.

 

Third, see a lawyer as soon as you can. Find out what your rights are and what your responsibilities are. If you have a joint account with him, either close that account and start your own ( if you have an income) or watch it very, very closely. Take screen shots is you see anything you feel isn't right.

 

Fourth- surround yourself with good friends and other sources of support. His actions and choices are NO reflection on you. Eat well, get as much rest as you can, exercise if it helps.

 

Fifth, and this is really important- start setting boundaries. If he has chosen to step outside your marriage, then he has abdicated his rights to any benefits it can provide. Treat him like a roommate or even a rent paying tenant if you have to. Sit down and write out all the little "perks" he gets form being married to you, and stop those immediately. It's not meant to manipulate him it's meant to give you some breathing room. Be cordial to him, but nothing more.

 

Sixth- Set down some ground rules when it comes to your daughter. for instance, you can request that there be no contact between your child and your husband's OW, if that is something you feel is important. There's no saying he will stick to that request, but at least it shows whether or not he's willing to work with you for the benefit of your child.

 

 

 

Most of all, keep in mind that this is not your fault. He chose it all on his own, and if there is fallout, well, whose fault is that?

[BaileyB]

No man is worth this kind of pain. I’m sorry, I know you loved him but you are more than this man and you are more than your marriage.

 

If you are having thoughts of self harm, you need to reach out to someone. Do it now. Do it for yourself, do it for your daughter. Calls hotline, call a friend, call a counsellor, visit your doctor - there are people who will help you.

 

As to your husband, clearly he is a serial cheat. The fact that he continues to engage with these women has NOTHING to do with you - your worth as a woman, a wife, a lover. It doesn’t matter if your hair was longer, if you were thinner, taller, more adventurous - it doesn’t matter. The problem here is with your husband, not with you. Hear that. Know that.

 

You are enough.

 

Time to be brave, seek support for yourself and your daughter, and with time you will find the strength to do what you need to do. Hugs.

[Starswillshine]

I am so sorry you are here.

 

I understand feeling the desire to end it, but as someone told me once, suicide does not end pain, it just transfers it. In this case, to your daughter. Find a way/something that will ground you when you have your hardest moments.

 

Unfortunately, given this isnt his first affair, and it sounds like he is at a point of take it or leave it, you need to prepare yourself for a divorce. And given that you have forgiven him in the past, he feels he has all the power. My suggestion is take back your power. Put the control in your court. Make the moves to free yourself. Most of the time, they start to realize thsy are actually losing their spouse and that scares them to behaving right. However, even if that happens, i would caution you. He would likely cheat again.

 

Either he starts behaving right or you have out yourself in the best position to deal with a divorce. Take back your power. Dont let him just run around on you AND control all the power. Protect yourself.

[BaileyB]

Indeed, he does this because you have shown him in the past that he can, and you will forgive him. He knows that you love him, that you don’t want to live without him, and it’s with this knowledge that he feels comfortable enough to have other relationships with these women.

 

The problem becomes, it destroys your happiness, your confidence, your self worth, and your very sanity. You begin to question yourself - he is purposefully making you doubt yourself by telling you that you are not enough, that you should have done more, been more, if you wanted to keep him faithful. But, it doesn’t work that way. To try and place blame on you for his infidelity is abusive to you - and no man should do this to his wife, the mother of his child.

 

Sure, you may scare him straight by telling him that you plan to leave him. But, what does that leave you... a man who has cheated not once, but several times. The chances that he will do it again are HIGH. And, you will always be living with this trauma, looking over your shoulder, waiting for the next shoe to drop. Who can live that way? How do you find peace of mind when you know that your husband can do this to you, and then put you down and blame you for his poor behavior.

 

It is most definitely time to take back your power. Find strength from those who have had this experience and are offering their support on this board - keep posting, there is help for you here. You may not believe it, but you can live without this man. In fact, life will be better without this man and his infidelity in your life.

[schlumpy]

It's very simple. After you caught him the first time he suffered no consequences. When you allow people to walk over you they tend to do it more frequently.

 

You need to gather some allies as in family and close friends then file for divorce. You cannot take him back unless he does something to fix himself and convince you this won't happen again because if you don't, it will.

 

If possible kick him out and then blow up the affair by exposing him to his family and to the OW's husband if she has one.

 

If you let him nice you out of these things it will be false reconciliation that will put you at a extreme disadvantage later on because he will then start making plans to minimize his divorce settlement.

 

You can't just think of yourself. You have a child to think of also.

 

I'm very sorry for what you will have to go through and please no more talk about self harm. You sound like a perfectly lovely person. Use this forum as a resource.

[spiritedaway2003]

I'm sorry for what you're going through, OP.

 

There had been a lot of solid advice here already, so there's not much I can add. The only thing I would say is that if you are thinking about self-harm, please do get yourself some professional help. Do it for yourself. Do it for your daughter. Sometimes it's incredibly hard to see the big picture when you're in the throes of a situation. Talking to others will give you more perspectives.

 

I know it's not what you want to hear, but it takes two to fix a marriage. You can't fix a marriage if he doesn't want to, so protect yourself and your daughter. Surround yourself with support. I'm going to echo an earlier poster, please use this forum as a resource.

[mark clemson]

Very sorry to hear about your situation. Your feelings are understandable AND will probably lessen/heal given some time.

 

 

I wrote him a letter saying if he wants to fix it I do too. No reply.

 

Are you living together?

[Buffer]

I'm afraid he's just going to trade you in for a younger model no matter what you stay and put up with...

 

He's not going to work on it. He's already a repeat offender and he has no remorse and is blaming YOU for HIS cheating. I surely hope you are not taking all that gaslighting and internalizing it and letting him make you feel less than. He's the one with the problem. You are a normal woman doing what you said you would in the marriage and willing to work on things. Don't let him blame anything on you! Stand up to him about that. Say, How DARE you blame me for your cheating and shallowness!

 

I'll bet he'd be out the door in a heartbeat if YOU dated and had sex with someone. I'm so sorry. He's just being a foolish shallow old cad. I wouldn't be able to stay in the same house with him, especially him blaming YOU for his weakness and shallowness.

 

He is a pig. He has left the relationship as he is so selfish and shallow, hair too short, not putting him first enough when you have to do all of the home stuff. Seek legal advice have him served and he can start to move out. Start the 180. You are perfect the way you are it is his loss. The D can be stopped at any time if he truly is wants R.

 

Take car you and the children first, walk, talk to the dog as they don’t give bad advice, drink heaps of water, exercise. Don’t be hard on yourself you are loved!

[Flame Aura]

You made a few mistakes by taking him back previously.. so don't make another mistake.

 

 

I'm not sure why your daughter is stopping you from leaving - she's even more reason to leave.

 

 

Whatever you do, do NOT take him back or try to 'fix' things.

 

 

Your life is without him, you need to accept that and start making plans for you and your daughter.

[notbroken]

I'm very sorry you are so sad. Divorce IS hard. It is also difficult to see a better future from the bottom of the pit where you are now but it IS there. You CAN get through this and will likely be better and happier in the future. Your are absolutely NOT to blame here and shame on your husband for telling you those things. They are crap. Absolute crap. He is the one with the problems. He is a serial cheater and there is no excuse for that. None. Nada.

 

Get counselling ASAP. Do not do anything to harm yourself. Contrary to what he said you ARE very valuable. I guarantee you that your daughter and many others think that.

 

Divorce him ASAP. Everything else take slow. Be kind to yourself. The world is hard enough without you also beating yourself up. You are worthwhile. Period. Do something nice for yourself everyday (bubblebath, nice homecooked meal, etc, etc). Be the best you that you can be. Take one day at a time. I promise you that you will be happier soon without your cad of a 'husband' (he is that in name only) than you are today.

 

YOU are not the state of your relationship/marriage. YOU are still you.

 

Best wishes.

[Steadfast]

 

I wrote him a letter saying if he wants to fix it I do too. No reply.

 

I had a life this morning. I no longer do.

 

You are alive. You are still you and I'm betting a very lovely person in many ways because you care. So now you'll learn this lesson: You cannot make another person happy, or love you, or be faithful. Our trust is sometimes unfounded - we 'want' the other person to be a certain way until we're convinced they are. When the inevitable happens there's tremendous loss because we've based our whole existence in the relationship. You can't do that. It must be based on you.

 

Let this cheater walk and rediscover yourself. Focus on physical wellness with diet and exercise, then make a financial plan that suits you. Please seek council from friends and family members. You do not need bad advice right now. Pretend to feel better even if you don't, and soon you will. Many have loved and lost but good people still exist. Take control of your life!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, nobody, especially someone who can't find within themselves to treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve, is worth ending your life for.

 

Show him, and yourself, your worth by standing up for yourself. Your daughter is watching. Teach her to love and respect herself by your example.

 

Edited to add: When I was at the tender age of 14, just two years older than your daughter, my father betrayed my mother in one of the worst ways possible with his infidelity. I had a front row seat. My mother was devastated. I told her to divorce him. Instead, she groveled, begged, and pulled out all the stops to 'win' my dad back. I lost respect for her when she did that and it's never come back in all these decades. Every few years she will make an excuse about why it was better that she didn't stand up for herself and it makes me cringe. Please, be very cognitive of how your daughter is being affected. She's at a critical time in her development...just when she'll begin forming relationships with the opposite sex...this experience will shape all of her romantic choices for the rest of her life. I speak from experience.

Edited October 8, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel

[schlumpy]

My mother was devastated. I told her to divorce him. Instead, she groveled, begged, and pulled out all the stops to 'win' my dad back. I lost respect for her when she did that and it's never come back in all these decades. Every few years she will make an excuse about why it was better that she didn't stand up for herself and it makes me cringe.

 

My parents were perfection when I was a boy and they spent the rest of their lives convincing me otherwise.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

My parents were perfection when I was a boy and they spent the rest of their lives convincing me otherwise.

 

Odd. Why do you suppose they want to convince you otherwise? Did they divorce or stay together?

[schlumpy]

Odd. Why do you suppose they want to convince you otherwise? Did they divorce or stay together?

 

It isn't that they wanted to convince me it was that over the years growing up the mistakes they made and bad decisions took the shine off. They could not live up to the ideals that they expected from me. At some point they quit trying and claimed that I had more advantages then they did.

 

Much like what happened to you with your mother. It takes the shine off.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

It isn't that they wanted to convince me it was that over the years growing up the mistakes they made and bad decisions took the shine off. They could not live up to the ideals that they expected from me. At some point they quit trying and claimed that I had more advantages then they did.

Much like what happened to you with your mother. It takes the shine off.

 

Interesting. I find the bolded part particularly interesting, especially since just yesterday my mother told me I make her feel inferior just by being around me. And she admitted it is not because of anything I do, but rather due to her own insecurities. Shocking that she actually admitted it. Adds another layer of clarity about why she treated me as she did over all the years, always competing, trying to put me down, putting obstacles in my path that I still overcame. Guess I won because I succeeded anyhow...but seems she's acknowledging it. So challenging...I would have much preferred a nuturing supportive mother.