Consequences for my 13 year old

[Tiki37]

@Tiki37 - Quick Question

 

Does your son dislike his classmates (the ones going on the field trip)?? Do you think he would prefer not to spend extra time interacting with them??

 

 

He has never mentioned to me that he doesn't like his classmates. He has friends in school and as far as I know he doesn't have any issues with any of them.

[basil67]

I can tell you that his behavior has changed in the last 6-8months. He is definitely going through some tough times. Blended family and his biological father decided to stay out his life 6 months ago.

 

That's tough. I know that most teens can have a bit of attitude now and then, but is he mostly respectful towards you?

[Tiki37]

That's tough. I know that most teens can have a bit of attitude now and then, but is he mostly respectful towards you?

 

 

He was mostly respectful, but like I mentioned, these past 8 months has been pretty rough for him. It's his attitude that's driving me crazy. I need to have more patience and take it one day at a time.

[major_merrick]

13 and dealing with family separation issues. That's a recipe for some attitude. While he should be respectful of his elders, it is also understandable. I went through the same thing raising my sister. It was a new issue every day until she turned 18. And she's been trouble since then, too. Hopefully yours will grow up. My sister did not.

[amaysngrace]

He is definitely going through some tough times. Blended family and his biological father decided to stay out his life 6 months ago.

 

Poor little buddy

 

That’s really hard on a kid.

[beatcuff]

this has NOTHING to do with the field trip... as an ice hockey coach its right about this age that players start flexing their independence muscle: to continue to play. younger ones are too scared of their parents or not intelligent enough to figure out 'how to get out'. you see it coming as the player shows up later and later as the parent struggles with them at home, then they open their bag in the rink and they are missing one skate or other critical piece...

 

most teenagers do not like moving out of their comfort zone. but a parent needs to be parent by nudging them into new experiences --- otherwise you will have a video gamer basement dweller... you did not help matters by not packing 'everything' thereby giving him an out AND you made it worse by throwing your hands up and passing off the mess to stepdad.

 

what to do... have a sit down with your child. ask him why he did not want to go --- then shut up... listen... knowledge his fears, it is really helpful if you describe something similar in your teen life (Mr Lucky's swimming anecdote is great). tell him it is YOUR responsibility to give him as many experiences as possible and it is HIS responsibility to TRY them at least once: the old, how do you know you hate it if you never tried it. make a deal: try it once (for me) then you (the child) decide to continue. by making him part of the deal he will own it.

Edited October 4, 2019 by beatcuff
grammar --- even after previewing it

[Gaeta]

He had the choice to go in class or to this field trip. He verbalized more than once not wanting to go to this field trip so wasting $47 is on you. He should not have to refund something he never wanted.

 

The kid is not gonna get obese for not going to 1 field trip. If he's a good child all year long why force something he doesn't like down his throat. If it was mandatory to go to that field trip it's different but he had a choice.

 

I have a 15 year old and she's the artsy type, she hates sports and she's bad at it. She goes to all her gym class during school year but when a sky trip is organized she prefers staying in class. I cannot imagine I'd force her to sky.

 

I am 53 yo, our parents didn't give us enough choices. They forced us to finish our plates, forced us to kiss family members, forced us to go to Church, I think it's good it's not so rigid nowadays.

[Blanco]

OMG, you want to get your kids to be well rounded and get used to doing things they don't always LOVE. They need to learn to both do physical activities as well as learn to cope. Do you want the first time they have to learn to cope to be when they take their first job? Then they'll end up just quitting and sitting around until you're 90 letting you pay for them.

 

I agree. When I was about the OP's son's age, my mom made me take part in a summer golf program, even though I'd never golfed in my life or expressed an ounce of interest in it. A year later when I was going into high school, she more or less made me join the school's golf team, which I did for two years.

 

Since then, I haven't picked up a club outside of few social gatherings at the driving range, but hey, without my mom pushing me along, I might have been unaware that I do, in fact, hate golf.

[Mr. Lucky]

A year later when I was going into high school, she more or less made me join the school's golf team, which I did for two years.

 

I’m on your Mom’s side, made each of my kids play a sport in high school, their choice but they had to be on a team. Two ran cross-country, one played softball and my youngest tennis. Years later, one still plays tennis and one still runs, and my granddaughter now runs with him. So 50% success rate if one so inclined to see it that way. Funny thing, the two still active in their sport put up the most resistance initially ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Poor little buddy

 

That’s really hard on a kid.

 

I agree. For that reason, I would be inclined to be more lenient. There are things that matter in this life, and others that don’t... It sounds like he is dealing with an awful lot right now. Forcing him to attend a field trip that he didn’t want to attend would probably not have been a battle I chose to fight.

 

As any parent knows, you do sometimes have to encourage your child to step out of their comfort zone and try new things... you also have to know when to push, and when to let it go. As they say, don’t sweat the small stuff...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I’m on your Mom’s side, made each of my kids play a sport in high school, their choice but they had to be on a team. Two ran cross-country, one played softball and my youngest tennis. Years later, one still plays tennis and one still runs, and my granddaughter now runs with him. So 50% success rate if one so inclined to see it that way. Funny thing, the two still active in their sport put up the most resistance initially ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Doesn't work for everyone. I never forced this, but....it would have worked for my son, but my daughter would have ended up with more anxiety attacks than she already had if we would have made her join an athletic team. And she's actually athletic! She just hates competition of any kind, has an anxiety disorder, and preferred to be at the barn since age 8. She's 18 now, graduated high school, and gained WAY more confidence from horsemanship (outside of school) than being on a sports team we made her be on. I just spent 2 hours today with her at the "new barn" to which she just moved her horse.

 

One size does NOT fit all. I was in tune with her challenges and it paid off to parent with compassion.

[Mr. Lucky]

One size does NOT fit all. I was in tune with her challenges and it paid off to parent with compassion.

 

Agreed CO, and I’d certainly consider horsemanship to be an activity. Point is, they need to be a part of something bigger than themselves...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gaeta]

And that something bigger than themselves can be drawing lessons, music lessons, a science clubs, horse backriding, chess clubs. Those sport field trips aren't adapted for everyone that's why they're not mandatory and kids can stay behind in class.

[Mr. Lucky]

Gaeta, here’s how the OP described her son:

 

He does not like to exercise.

 

So the simple question at hand is, as the parent of a 13-yr old, are you going to take reasonable steps to get that child up and moving, out of his bedroom and in the company of other kids? She didn’t enlist him in the Marines and send him to boot camp, it’s a half-day field trip on a bus. And I’d wager, even though he’d never tell Mom, he’d have returned having enjoyed at least some part of it. Some times Mom and Dad do know best...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gaeta]

Why he doesn't like it? I didn't like it either when I was his age because I wasn't coordinate, kids laughed at me and didn't want me on their team. Team sports always were moments of humiliation. I was the intellectual type and did not fit in at all in those field track days....so lets ask why he hates it so much.

[Mr. Lucky]

The OP described it as “a field trip recommended by his PE (Physical Education) class”, not sure why you think it’s a pick-up basketball game. My wife was a teacher, I went as a chaperone on a number of these. It’s mostly hiking with a few team-building games like Capture the Flag, etc. By the time you get there, allow for lunch and breaks, not really a whole lot of time for multiple activities.

 

Would you let your child totally opt of PE class if they asked?

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

Doesn't work for everyone. I never forced this, but....it would have worked for my son, but my daughter would have ended up with more anxiety attacks than she already had if we would have made her join an athletic team. And she's actually athletic! She just hates competition of any kind, has an anxiety disorder, and preferred to be at the barn since age 8. She's 18 now, graduated high school, and gained WAY more confidence from horsemanship (outside of school) than being on a sports team we made her be on. I just spent 2 hours today with her at the "new barn" to which she just moved her horse.

 

One size does NOT fit all. I was in tune with her challenges and it paid off to parent with compassion.

 

Hey, riding is a big activity and one you learn a lot from. Those horses will teach you respect. I think it's best that the person who rides is the person who cares for them and feeds and waters them and breaks the ice in their water when it's below freezing. Even today, I miss all that. It gave me a great sense of purpose, being responsible for the horse.

[noelle303]

I feel like 13 is old enough to determine whether they like these type of activities or not.

 

Encouragement is important and I don't necessarily think there's something wrong in pushing them to do things they don't want to do initially, but I feel like it works and is beneficial only when they're younger. If he reached 13 and still is determined that he hates sports and physical activity, I doubt that forcing him to go will change his mind, it can only nake him resentful.

 

There's nothing here to suggest that he's a couch potato or sits in front of his computer the whole day, there are plenty of social and useful activities one can do that don't involve sports.

 

OP, if it's important to you that he spends more time outside, maybe try baby steps? Plan some family bonding time having a picnic in nature, go for a walk with him to chat or simply ask him what would he like to do. It could be a great bonding experience and if he ends up relating this positive family experience with some outdoor activities, he might just start liking them.

[Maddie82]

I do feel that you were a little too harsh here. You acted too aggressive with him which in turn caused him to give you a little attitude. I understand that parenting is hard. My daughter had some bad behavior at school for years until she was finally diagnosed as high functioning autistic. Missing out on a field trip that they are not interested in is no big deal. I am perfectly fine with my daughter not wanting to go on certain school trips if it's not something she is interested in because she can still attend school and continue with subjects. You need to have a little more compassion with your son, not aggression. He's going through some personal issues (his dad not wanting to know anymore is heart wrenching). Make things easier for him by not forcing him to do things he is not interested in. I'm sure he does really well at school.

[Mr. Lucky]

If he reached 13 and still is determined that he hates sports and physical activity, I doubt that forcing him to go will change his mind, it can only nake him resentful.

 

I understand a kid that doesn’t gel with team sports, but ‘hates physical activity’? Any parent that simply accepts and defers to that isn’t operating with their child’s best interest in mind...

 

Mr. Lucky

[noelle303]

I understand a kid that doesn’t gel with team sports, but ‘hates physical activity’? Any parent that simply accepts and defers to that isn’t operating with their child’s best interest in mind...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm not saying to simply accept that. But small steps - maybe try to go for walks with him, a family picnic in the park, a fun game of badminton, just easy and fun activities that will serve as family bonding, but also help him connect outdoor and physical activity with fun.

 

He'll probably never be a big sports or exercise person and that's fine, but you can help him acquire and appreciate certain healthy habits which are rooted in physical activity.

[Whodatdog]

Ive never thought it was a good idea to force kids to do activities they despise, which obviously your son does. Rather than force him to do that, why not cultivate things he is interested in. All activities arent all thing to all kids, thats why there so many different ones. Forcing a kid to do something like this can affect him for a long time. He may now always thing of this terrible experience when it comes to any outdoor activities. I remember being forced to do an activity for a week that I totally hated, and I remember it to this day.

[Mr. Lucky]

Ive never thought it was a good idea to force kids to do activities they despise, which obviously your son does. Rather than force him to do that, why not cultivate things he is interested in.

 

If you allow a 13-yr old to limit his activities to those he'd be interested in, many kids will choose to sit in their rooms in front of a screen, playing games and chatting with friends online. They might occasionally make it as far as the family room to stream a Rick and Morty episode.

 

Hate to keep banging the same drum, but as a parent you have a responsibility to develop a well-rounded child, both physically and emotionally. You also need to prepare them for adulthood, where one doesn't have the luxury of focusing solely on favored activities...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ajequals]

this is a perfect post for the differences between men and women and children and divorce. If dad was still around. would the child have a choice or say in the matter. I think not.

 

Part of the problem is parents today try to be the Childs friend besides being a parent.. your a parent ,not their friend..I certainly wouldn't of gotten away with this at home and my children certainly know they wouldn't have gotten away with this either . parents need to remain in charge to be able to raise a responsible adult. in my day that was instilled with fear of my father ,their was a method to what now is considered taboo so now we have children like yours that feel they are in charge

[basil67]

this is a perfect post for the differences between men and women and children and divorce. If dad was still around. would the child have a choice or say in the matter. I think not.

 

Why would you assume it's different for the dad? Our daughter tried a few different sports for a while and didn't stick with them. Super sporty husband respected how she felt.

 

Conversely, a few years later he thoroughly supported her doing Irish dance lessons which he thought was a really silly dance. He's now positive about her pole dancing lessons as a young woman.

 

As a non sporty kid, I would have hated to be pushed into something I loathed. But as a woman, I found bellydance and did it for years. Not wanting to do gymnastics or soccer as a kid doesn't translate to not ever wanting physical exercise.