Sam_NY Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 My wife and I have been going through a lot of issues. Most of the issues stem from the fact that we live in what I think is a sexless marriage. I’ve tried to live with the fact that I might have married someone who just didn’t like sex and nothing was ever going to change that. I’ve tried my best to live with that but I am still miserable and depressed. I get along with her most of the time. Other times I lock myself away in my office and can't stand to speak to her. It has been a long climb out of despair the past couple months and I think I've reached the point where I want out. The problem is I know she still loves me. Part of me still loves her. That's the hard part. I know she just wants us to have a happy marriage but on her terms. I just can’t do that anyone. The damage to this marriage is done and it can’t be repaired. We have always been very different people. We never had many shared interests but that was never a problem before because we loved being together so much. That time is gone. Our differences are a problem for me. I feel like I can't talk to her, like she doesn't challenge or push me. I feel like we are at different points in life, and starting to move in opposite directions. I made appointment with my attorney to start the divorce process next week. I haven’t had the courage to bring it up with my wife I don’t know what’s the best to bring it up without causing her any unneeded pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 How long have you been married? Do you have children? Sex incompatibility is common in long-term marriages, and I don’t believe they can be resolved easily. Marriage or sex counseling often fails. If the passion is lost, it’s usually (or often) lost for good. Many resort to affairs, some divorce, some do both. I’m assuming you’ve brought it up before and talked about these issues, and if that’s the case, that’ll be your basis for a discussion, or for the D talk. There’s no easy way around it, if D is what you want. And if it makes you feel better, most divorces are initiated by one person, while the other one does not want to get divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 Sounds like you've already checked out/moved on, but did you even try marriage counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 I don’t think you can file for divorce without causing pain. If you were my husband, I would just want you to tell me in person and be direct and honest. And, as someone once told me in a difficult situation, be kind to each other. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 Oh I remember you. You were upset because you found out your wife used to have a crazy wild sex life and now she's all vanilla with you. I wondered how this story would end. I'm not going to badger you with acting all self absorbed. It sounds like you're Done. Then be Done. Look man, there is no easy way to do this. Just sit her down and tell her you want a divorce. Explain why. But be resolute that you want a divorce. Then let her have a good amount of time to flip out and digest that nugget. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 Honey, this just isn’t working for me -let’s end this and go our separate ways. That’s how you tell her. Expect sex to be offered - ONLY to keep you from leaving her -it’s called manipulation. Don’t fall for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 Oh I remember you. You were upset because you found out your wife used to have a crazy wild sex life and now she's all vanilla with you. I wondered how this story would end. Based on that thread, almost inevitable it would end here. As you’ve been advised, just be straight up. Stay away from ‘why’, focus on ‘when, where and how’. I remember the first time I had to let someone go, my boss sat there amused as I stumbled and bumbled through a rambling explanation, the poor STBX employee had no idea what I was talking about. His advice was have “you’re fired” be the first two words out of your mouth. I’d be similarly direct... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
SirEgg Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 Hey man, I'm sorry things took such a sour turn. If you haven't tried I still recommend you try marital counseling. Many lawyers recommend trying that anyways. Perhaps, that's strategic on lawyers part but perhaps that will get you the outcome you want. You're sex starved, has gotten so bad that sex with anyone is an option? I get the idea that sex with your wife, regularly, is what you want. The only way to that is reconciliation. A road you don't sound too interested in. But I encourage you to consider it; I suspect that tougher road leads your most desired outcome. God speed bro. Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 If you are resolute about your decision I suggest you get your personal living arrangements in place, file and separate. Don't linger around the house together living in what is apt to be unavoidably painful. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 Take advantage of free 1/2 hour initial consults to check with several attorneys - you can shop around and also get more of your questions answered for free. An hour's worth of QA saved = 300+ bucks. Suggest you be careful for subtle efforts to drive a wedge/increase resentment on the part of attorneys. Be conscious of how it might play with her. For example, the suggestion to have them served at work. Nothing like humiliating someone in front of what is now their most important peer group to engender the kind of intense resentment that makes it "worth it" to spend thousands of dollars to keep on hurting the other person through drawn out filings and court actions. IF this starts to actually turn around, consider instituting morning cuddling (without sex) on a regular (ie, daily) basis as this may improve your bonding and lead to greater interest on her part. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 I agree that she will offer sex to try to keep you but that will soon dry up. You just have to be strong and tell her "I've decided to file for divorce and please don't try to stop me because I'm not going to change my mind." Tell her calmly and firmly that this IS going to happen. There is no way to get out of a marriage without someone getting hurt. You're hurt aren't you that things didn't work out? Well expect the same from her but know that hurt is part of the process. You will both be better off in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 How old is/are your child/children? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 You just sit her down and tell her. There's no easy way, and yes, it's probably the most uncomfortable thing you'll ever do. But many of us have lived past it. Keep it simple, explain that you just can't continue. There is no way to avoid the pain. The alternative is staying as things are. It's highly unlikely it can be changed at this point given your posts. Link to post Share on other sites
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