Maddie82 Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 I just need to vent. So the hubby and i had a fight last night. We've been together nearly 17 years, married for 6. We have a good relationship and marriage. He told me last night that his work had a conference coming up but not sure when yet or how long. The last one was held in Berlin but he didn't go to that one because of other engagements at home. Now he was very wary when he told me because of my mental health issues. Due to a number of tragedies that happened in my life a short time ago, in a very short space of time i have been having allot of trouble coping. I suffer with depression and very bad anxiety and yes i have really bad insecurities due to him doing some stupid things in the beginning of our relationship. I also have a fear of being alone. So when he said this conference will be in Amsterdam (of all places) i flipped. We had a big fight about something similar in the past. His friend once wanted to host a stag party in Amsterdam at the seedy areas but me and the grooms bride at the time flipped out and told them if they go there then the wedding was off and our relationships were over. The guy organizing it was single and only wanted to go there for one reason. They didn't go and went somewhere else. I know this one is work related but they plan on going out on the town and the guys he said that are going i don't trust. I am totally freaking out about it and i told the hubby i really wasn't comfortable about it and that i really don't want him to go there. It's not a conference that he absolutely has to be at. It's a 'go if you want the experience and info' type of thing. Now, it's not a trust thing. I love and trust him. If he was going alone I could make my peace with it and i know he does what he says. But he's going with people who heavily influence him. He went to a conference a few years ago overnight but it wasn't in a different country, but he went with the same people. He promised me that he would just have food and relax in his room for the rest of the evening so he could get an early night ready for the conference the following morning. These guys easily convinced him to go out and he got really drunk, calling me at 1 am smashed. They did the same recently at his colleagues stag night. I picked him up later in the evening and he was so drunk he could barely stand. It scares the hell out of me what these guys could get him into. I was honest with him and told him that i was way too insecure for something like this and no matter what happens or doesn't happen, i was scared it would ruin our marriage. I asked him to decide what was more important to him because my mental health can't take it. Obviously he got angry and called my bluff and said 'fine, we'll get a divorce then'. Then he was saying that 'I didn't trust him etc. I told him it wasn't to do with anything like that, it's these guys and what the place is known for. Thing is, I've known so many people who's husband/partner had gone on a guys trip there and ended up doing something really bad. I know that Amsterdam is a beautiful city and it's not all about those certain areas. I have problems and he knows this. He has been very supportive and understanding of it. But this is just making me sick. I'm terrified. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 You don’t fix your problems by creating ones for him. You also can’t control him, either he has the boundaries necessary to be a good husband or he doesn’t. I’ve been all over Europe, temptation isn’t limited to Amsterdam. Assume you’re seeing someone for your depression and anxiety. What does your therapist say about this? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maddie82 Posted October 3, 2019 Author Share Posted October 3, 2019 I don't see a therapist per say (can't afford that), but i do have an email exchange with a mentor. She's there when i need to talk. I've never seen her in person. I don't want to control him. I have never controlled him. He always does what he wants to do regardless. He is a good husband. There are just things in the past that have made me a little insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 What exactly are you afraid he will do besides getting drunk with his friends? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 There are just things in the past that have made me a little insecure. Cheating? Lying? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maddie82 Posted October 3, 2019 Author Share Posted October 3, 2019 What exactly are you afraid he will do besides getting drunk with his friends? Honestly, i don't know. I'm scared they'll want to go somewhere seedy (knowing one of them, that it is very likely) and he's easily influenced by this guy who is his boss (well, one of his bosses). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maddie82 Posted October 3, 2019 Author Share Posted October 3, 2019 Cheating? Lying? just not being honest about things. He has lied in the past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 You don't trust him an inch and I do not blame you. Married guys having conferences in Amsterdam... Now what would they be going there for I wonder... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maddie82 Posted October 3, 2019 Author Share Posted October 3, 2019 (edited) That doesn't make me feel any better. I do trust him. I don't trust them, or at least one of them. Edited October 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 Honestly, i don't know. I'm scared they'll want to go somewhere seedy (knowing one of them, that it is very likely) and he's easily influenced by this guy who is his boss (well, one of his bosses). Okay Maddie and if he does go to a seedy area with his friends to a bar what are you afraid will happen other than them getting drunk? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 (edited) Amsterdam is famed for its large red light district. Brothels and prostitutes... Edited October 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maddie82 Posted October 3, 2019 Author Share Posted October 3, 2019 Okay Maddie and if he does go to a seedy area with his friends to a bar what are you afraid will happen other than them getting drunk? I'm scared he'll cheat, even though he never has before and deep down i know he wont. This is just how i am and stemmed from him not being honest about things in the beginning of our relationship. It's the not knowing that scares the crap out of me. Not knowing whats happening. He is a wonderful husband and this is all my issue really. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maddie82 Posted October 3, 2019 Author Share Posted October 3, 2019 Amsterdam is famed for its large red light district. Brothels and prostitutes... I know this. He text me earlier to give me a little more info. He said the conference is at the airport outside of Amsterdam. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 (edited) I'm scared he'll cheat, even though he never has before and deep down i know he wont. This is just how i am and stemmed from him not being honest about things in the beginning of our relationship. It's the not knowing that scares the crap out of me. Not knowing whats happening. He is a wonderful husband and this is all my issue really. Maddie why would he have sex with prostitutes when he has you at home? He may get drunk and look, laugh, and act stupid but I doubt he will have sex with them. You can't police him or make him feel he's in a cage. You need to make your own plans while he's gone and trust. Edited October 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maddie82 Posted October 3, 2019 Author Share Posted October 3, 2019 (edited) Yeah, i know. I know you're right. These are just my issues, not his. Edited October 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 Maddie, you need more help than just an online "mentor." Please look into getting a real therapist. You need to find a way, because your mental health issues could wind up driving your husband away. You need to get a grip. You cannot control him, nor should you. This is a WORK trip that is organized by someone else. If he needs to go, he needs to go. It's that simple. You've got to learn to loosen the reins a bit. You KNOW you have issues, so you need to apologize to him, remind him of what reasonable boundaries look like, and then let it be. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 The problem is he doesn't NEED to go, he didn't go on the last one... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maddie82 Posted October 3, 2019 Author Share Posted October 3, 2019 You're right crazelnut, thank you x Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 (edited) Maddie why would he have sex with prostitutes when he has you at home? .. and of course married men never visit prostitutes in Amsterdam... Trouble is we don't know, and Maddie doesn't know what he will get up to on this trip. He may talk the good talk, sitting at home but in the sexually charged atmosphere of Amsterdam... Many married women put their head in the sand over these "trips" and choose to believe their man will never cheat, and persuade other women they have nothing to worry about, but that doesn't make it true unfortunately. I think they are being pretty naive... Edited October 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 My initial suggestion would be to offer to go on vacation there together if he doesn't go for work, but it sounds like money's tight unfortunately. I don't think it's "only your problem." It does sound like he's the type to let others and/or booze influence him and occasionally get him into trouble. Can you establish some check ins like a call every hour so you could at least keep tabs? If he does get drunk it could at least give you a window into what they're up to. Have him put the location services on his phone on as well, if he ends up in a brothel or suddenly turns it off, well... All of that is sort of closing the barn door after the horse has bolted. Is there someone you DO trust in the work group that you could ask to keep tabs on him and steer him away from trouble? Having someone there to keep an eye on him could help a lot I think. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 You claim you trust him, but then you say you are worried he will get drunk and cheat on you. That doesn't sound like trust to me. You really need to be honest with yourself. His friends can't force him to cheat on you. If he's going to do it, he's going to do it -- and he doesn't need to go all the way over to Amsterdam to do it, either. You said he's never cheated on you, so you have no reason not to trust him. This is all about you. You really need to get a grip on your insecurities. He's an adult. If he wants to go out and get drunk with his friends, he should be able to do that without you putting a guilt trip on him. Trying to control where he can go and what he can do is a sure path to losing him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 He may talk the good talk, sitting at home but in the sexually charged atmosphere of Amsterdam... Have you been to Amsterdam? Outside the few square blocks of the district, it’s about as ‘sexually charged’ as Tulsa. OP, if your husband’s interested in cheating, he’ll go cross town, not across the world... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 Despite what you may say - you don’t really trust your husband. You have pretty much said it by admitting that there is good reason for your insecurity (ie. he has lied to you in the past). Furthermore, you don’t trust that he is strong enough not to be influenced by the other people attending the conference. It reminds me of how one would speak about a child - I know my child is a good boy, but when he gets around those friends of his... they are a bad influence. He may decide not to attend the conference, but the more this happens the more it’s highly possible that he will become resentful. In a way, you are demonstrating to him that you do trust him, you are placing the burden of your mental health on him, and limiting his options in much the same way that you would manage a child. He may humour you in this situation, but the more this happens the less likely he will want to appease you. The simple truth is, there is risk in every relationship. Either you have chosen well, and your husband has the integrity to respect you and the boundaries of your marriage. If he has not. And, has been shared here... he doesn’t have to go to Amsterdam to cheat. I too would suggest that you get some individual counselling, if possible. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 3, 2019 Share Posted October 3, 2019 Your husband is going to a conference for work. He's not going on a boys' weekend or to a bachelor party. If he doesn't go to this conference that will look bad for him at work. It may cost him a promotion or possibly his job. He will be viewed as not a team player. You say you can't afford a therapist now. What do you think you will be able to afford once your husband loses his job? You have anxiety & depression. Part of that stems from emotional thinking, rather than logical thinking. I am very guilty of that myself. But it gets you into trouble because you start believing things that aren't true. You talk yourself into the worst case scenario then panic. You really don't trust him. You say he did things in the beginning of the relationship. You two have been together for 17 years! When does the statute of limitations for those long ago errors in judgment expire? If he's been a good husband since you married, focus on that, not some immature BS he pulled almost 2 decades ago. At some point you have to respect that he can say no to peer pressure. Like somebody else pointed out, he could cheat right there in your home town. Ladies of the evening exist everywhere not just Amsterdam. Even the last time, when he got drunk, he called you. He didn't do anything unforgivable. Do make plans to connect with your mentor while he is away. Do have a check in schedule for you & your DH. When my DH goes away we talk in the morning before work & text when we go to bed, because I turn in much earlier then he does. When I'm hitting the hay he may be at bar with a boss or colleague. If he can, he calls me when he gets my goodnight text but more often then not, I wake up to his response in the morning. You have to assume some socialization will go on when he's at these events. You can't expect him to sit in his hotel room. You also need to plan your support for when he's gone. Can you stay with your parents or a friend while he's away? Can you have some GFs over at different times? Book a spa day or a massage for yourself. Cook your favorite meal. Do something to treat yourself. The point is to keep yourself busy, having fun, not sitting around obsessing about what he's doing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maddie82 Posted October 3, 2019 Author Share Posted October 3, 2019 The problem is he doesn't NEED to go, he didn't go on the last one... The last one wasn't important and we had a family emergency at the time. This one is important to his line of work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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