She does not respect my time

[Angel29]

I have been friends with a woman for 15 years. I usually see her about 2-3 times a year. She has cancelled about 50% of the times we have arranged to meet up always using excuses that she is ill etc. She is 40 next year and complains about not getting anywhere in life but she is always flaky cancelling on me and others, saying she is ill with a cold and will not leave a 3 mile radius of her house and says she cannot find a boyfriend and complains how she is messed about on dating sites.. We have had good times but I feel she disrespects my time cancelling when I could have made other plans. The last 3 times I have met her it is to accompany her to an event so I feel I am being used. She doesn't want to change her life, am I best to just write her off?

[preraph]

You should certainly feel free to decline her invitations. You rarely see her anyway, so I guess no real need to cut her off from communication unless she communicates too frequently for you to want to do it. You can feel free to just not respond or respond with a short answer instead of indulging her.

 

Stop asking her anywhere if it's more trouble than it's worth. If you don't want to talk to her much, you can also just taper it off. Be too busy to respond sometimes or write back "Busy. Hope all is well" and don't address her stuff you are bored with her going off about.

 

She sounds like a near-hermit who expects everyone to come to her only on her terms. And I know someone very well who is just like that. And I've curtailed a lot of interaction with her because if it isn't fun and there's no obligation, just feel free to taper it all back.

[schlumpy]

She needs medical help. It sounds like some form of depression. The person will agree to activities because they are in the future and require little effort but when those activities come around it's like having to climb a wall before they can engage in the activity. It's just feels so overwhelming for them that's it's easier to duck out.

 

I think her life might change dramatically with a little chemical assistance.

[preraph]

I suspect mine's would to, but you know how hard it is to get people who need it to see a psychologist.

[Tagalz]

I have been friends with a woman for 15 years. I usually see her about 2-3 times a year. She has cancelled about 50% of the times we have arranged to meet up always using excuses that she is ill etc. She is 40 next year and complains about not getting anywhere in life but she is always flaky cancelling on me and others, saying she is ill with a cold and will not leave a 3 mile radius of her house and says she cannot find a boyfriend and complains how she is messed about on dating sites.. We have had good times but I feel she disrespects my time cancelling when I could have made other plans. The last 3 times I have met her it is to accompany her to an event so I feel I am being used. She doesn't want to change her life, am I best to just write her off?

 

Forget her

[Lotsgoingon]

Very high likelihood that she's depressed.

 

I remember a buddy of mine, close buddy, came to my city about a decade ago. He called me, and I didn't return the call. Later, after I felt better, he told me he found my failure to return his call as rude.

 

I had to go ahead and tell him: I was depressed at the time. When you're depressed, you can spend all your energy just showing up at work (assuming you're fortunate enough to have work). You don't have any energy for anything else.

 

It's totally understandable why you take her flakiness personally, but in all likelihood, she's barely getting through her days.

 

The solution here--which I have learned (though thank God, I am not depressed these days)--is for the depressed person to be honest. But it's part of a cycle of depression to not be honest and open up to people--because you can feel so ashamed ... and tired. Opening up requires skill, energy and confidence.

 

Sorry you're going through this.

[Watercolors]

I have personal experience with this right now -- the woman I am roommates with has severe depression and refuses to leave her bedroom FOR ANY REASON (she has a bathroom attached to it, so she literally never leaves). This has been going on for 4 months straight now. Her ex-husband and circle of friends have "put up with her" like this for about six years now.

 

Each time someone has led her to a counseling center to see a psychiatrist for medication, or an outpatient treatment program for counseling, or checked her into an emergency room mental ward for the weekend -- she denies that she is depressed.

 

Like that idiom says, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

 

It's essentially life draining for me to live here and I'm trying like hell to move out.

 

I suggest that you let go of this 15 year friendship with this woman. I understand severe depression from the perspective of living with someone who has it -- severe depression makes someone extremely self-absorbed and focused on distorted thinking patterns. Your friend clearly doesn't make staying connected with you after 15 years her priority. Especially the way she cancels at the last minute, as though she had better plans come up with someone else.

[Angel29]

Thank you all for your helpful advice. She contacted me saying she won a holiday and if I want to go with her. Again, all on her terms and I can honestly see her dropping out at the last minute. Just a user.