Funny how the Universe works!

[gettinoverit]

For the most part I am handling myself and things really well. My MM and I were always friends, before the EA started. He's been very up and down, entertained thoughts of leaving, but ultimately has decided he can't/won't. And I told him I appreciate his honesty in not stringing me along, and although I'm sad because I think we would be so happy together, I understand and the friendship is the most important thing.

Except....! Of course, I'm finding the friendship thing HARD!

Just a stupid thing today: I called him this morning because of a funny story I knew he would love. He didn't pick up. Normally if he didn't pick up, he would send a text saying why he can't and he'll call back. But today - unusually - nothing. No big deal, I know. But I'm torturing myself now with images of him out to breakfast with his wife, laughing together, planning the future that he *claimed* at one point he wanted with me. Just a few weeks ago in the thick of the EA, if I called and he didn't answer, I wouldn't think anything of it. But now we're officially done, it is KILLING me! Nothing I can do I know, and I am trying to move on. But if anyone has any tips on how to not stab myself repeatedly in the heart this morning, I would much appreciate them! NC is not really an option right now due to circumstances. I'm aiming for LC and gradually fizzling things out over a period of weeks. But I'm still very early days in that (day 6) and although I'm on an upward trajectory, I am having moment of crashing - like right now. HELP! My imagination is making me crazy!

[notmyfinestmoment]

Oh Gettinoverit!

 

We can relate all too well, which is why most people will say NC is best. But since you can't do that, you will have to ride it out. Maybe just contact him when you only absolutely have to moving forward? That way you aren't breaking your own heart. There are so many times I would like to contact him (funny things we would normally share), but I have to stop myself.

 

Maybe at some point you can be friends (long down the road), but given how you are feeling today, I am thinking you may not be ready for that.

 

It is torture, I know. Hang in there.

[mark clemson]

I think in general remaining friends with a former relationship partner is tricky. It's often best to not have much contact with the (now) friend due to the emotions involved. It's only safe to "really" be friends again when the emotions have fully subsided; often this takes years.

 

I think this same logic applies to affairs and APs as well. Perhaps even more so due to the heightened emotions of many affairs.

 

Just my opinion FWIW.

[BlindsidedTwice]

But I'm torturing myself now with images of him out to breakfast with his wife, laughing together, planning the future that he *claimed* at one point he wanted with me.

 

I have no real words of wisdom, as I am still very early in my recovery journey, but if it helps at all... it's unlikely that he is out to breakfast, laughing, planning out a beautiful future. Our minds tend to run wild and life is typically a lot more mundane than we imagine.

 

If possible, try to imagine... that he was actually taking a massive s**t, picking his boogers, leaving dishes and clothes out for his wife to pick up, and just being totally focused on himself. Maybe that helps, maybe it doesn't. Sometimes a gross visual can give your brain a laugh and your heart a break from the pain.

 

Hope you feel better soon. Not every day will feel this horrifically sad.

[Amethyst68]

The only reason there needs to be LC is if you share finances and/or children.

 

Friendship after a relationship is hard, after an affair it's really not feasible. I think it's such an unreal, sheltered relationship that trying to keep a connection makes it easier to wallow in the what might have beens.

[mark clemson]

If possible, try to imagine...

 

 

Indeed. Breakfast was boring, the pancakes were cold, and when they got home the dog had pooped on the living room floor. Also known as REALITY.

[gettinoverit]

You're all awesome! This is exactly what I needed to hear! You especially Mark Clemson! You cracked me up with that imagery because I think you truly are not far from the truth! They have an older dog and he is sometimes incontinent! Blindsided you too! He's very "proud" of his coolness and the way he looks. It helps to picture him in a sappy pink polo shirt and drooling! But I like the massive dump image even more!

 

I KNOW the right thing to do here is go completely NC. It's just so hard to do when this whole thing has been based on an incredible friendship first and foremost. He really was my best friend before any of this happened. I'm trying hard to be cool and get back to that again - but as you all rightly say, it's very hard.

 

Dazey my lovely - I am actually posting here waiting to get to 50 posts so I am qualified to PM you! Not in a weirdo stalker way, but just because I've been following your story and I can relate so much to what you are saying. I think we could really help each other get through this crappola. I know you totally get it! My plan right now is just not reaching out to him at all, and responding politely when he does. It was working until this morning when I had a rough moment! Today is Day 6. Days 1 and 2 were hell of course. I got through them. Then it was day 3 he started reaching out. Day 4 he was full on again with messaging and calling and saying he doesn't see how things are going to work out for them long term because they want completely different things (bam! Hope again!) then the next day ( day 5) he was indifferent to me when I ran into him. Day 6 (Oh! Just realized I'm on day 7 now!) we met and he was all over me again emotionally and just affectionately - kept finding excuses to brush my arm or bump into me. then today - indifference again. I know exactly what he's doing. His potential option for the future is walking away and he's having moments of panic and reaching out. I see the pattern so clearly now, but in the moment a few days ago my heart leapt with hope and that's why I agreed to meet him yesterday. Big mistake.

 

Oh well. Back to LC and backing away. Thanks SO much for listening guys! Feeling much better now! Just a blip. Getting back on track. Onwards and upwards!

[notmyfinestmoment]

>>Dazey my lovely - I am actually posting here waiting to get to 50 posts so I am qualified to PM you! Not in a weirdo stalker way, but just because I've been following your story and I can relate so much to what you are saying. I think we could really help each other get through this crappola. I know you totally get it!

I do get it! PM me when you have access. Until you get there, keep posting and we'll help each other through it.

[Flame Aura]

I really don't understand this mindset that staying friends is somehow important? It's not.

 

 

Do you not have any other friends? Girl friends? To do friend stuff with? What could he possible add to your friendship that your other girl friends don't give you, friendship wise? Absolutely nothing.

[gettinoverit]

I really don't understand this mindset that staying friends is somehow important? It's not.

 

 

Do you not have any other friends? Girl friends? To do friend stuff with? What could he possible add to your friendship that your other girl friends don't give you, friendship wise? Absolutely nothing.

 

I have some friends I do stuff with, but my closest friends are from my home country. I am not from here, and I find it REALLY hard to connect with people here if I am honest. They just think completely differently to me. They're not bad people, just very different. It is REALLY hard sometimes to connect with people from a completely different background to you. He is not from here either. We met 5 years ago and instantly hit it off because we think exactly the same way. That's why the amazing friendship, which I am VERY reluctant to give up. No exaggeration he has literally kept me sane at times with just being able to laugh about things! I'm a single mom in a foreign country with no family and no help around me, surrounded by people I struggle to really understand, and vice versa. That's why this particular friendship is so important to me. I will give it up if I HAVE to. But I'm trying really hard to not have to do that. For the most part, I manage well, but with occasional bad moments, like yesterday. Doing fine today. I just grabbed myself and gave myself a good shake and a kick up the bum. And then went on Tinder!

[somanymistakes]

Do you not have any other friends? Girl friends? To do friend stuff with? What could he possible add to your friendship that your other girl friends don't give you, friendship wise? Absolutely nothing.

 

i mean you could say this about any friend, no? "Technically you're replaceable, I could find someone else to fulfill your functions. Bye!"

 

That's not to say that I think it's a good idea to stay friends with a former AP if you're trying to move past the affair, because it often doesn't work that well. But if you are genuinely friends and care about someone, then they bring unique joy to your life, so the argument of "you don't have to love THAT dog, do you? you could just get another one" doesn't hold up.

 

the real question is, DOES this friendship still bring joy?

[gettinoverit]

i mean you could say this about any friend, no? "Technically you're replaceable, I could find someone else to fulfill your functions. Bye!"

 

That's not to say that I think it's a good idea to stay friends with a former AP if you're trying to move past the affair, because it often doesn't work that well. But if you are genuinely friends and care about someone, then they bring unique joy to your life, so the argument of "you don't have to love THAT dog, do you? you could just get another one" doesn't hold up.

 

the real question is, DOES this friendship still bring joy?

 

We have always been great friends and I genuinely care very much about him. We fell in love over time, but the affair hasn't got physical because I know me, and I know once that happens it's game over for me at least. I won't sleep with him unless he is free to be with me. This dance has been going on years now.

 

Since May, he has been extremely conflicted. Wants to be with me, but doesn't want to be that guy that walks out on his responsibilities. He's been very up and down, until finally last week, when he made the decision he just can't do it. I accepted it, although it's breaking my heart, and said of course, the friendship still stands, but I might need some time to work through this and get over it all.

 

Since then, he's been very hot and cold. I know why. He's second guessing himself. But to me, indecision is a decision and so I'm working very hard on the mindset that this is never going to happen and I need to move on from the plans we were making. When we are laughing, and talking, grabbing coffee, doing the things that friends do, enjoying the really special connection we seem to have - i.e. not living in REALITY - things are fantastic. Full of joy. And then he mentions his wife. Or goes indifferent. And POP! The bubble bursts. That's what I'm struggling with and it starts to really hurt.

 

I'm at the point now where I'm separated. He is not happy in his marriage but resigned to "doing the right thing". I don't like it, but I have to respect him for it, and I do. Personally I don't see how it is ever going to work. His wife and him have completely different plans for the future - he wants to return to his home country (or mine! He's Australian), she wants to stay in the US. He wants to go walkabout (travel), she wants to stay home, etc etc. But - none of my business at the end of the day. It's between them. I told him if things don't work out between them and I am still around to come find me, but their marriage is between them. I don't think he'll ever have the stones to leave quite honestly and that's up to him.

 

So the answer really is yes - it still brings a LOT of joy when he's not being an indecisive insensitive D***wad!

[Amethyst68]

Forgive me if I'm wrong but aren't you a former BW?

 

I don't understand how someone who has been the betrayed can be so blase about doing this to another woman. It's like she doesn't exist in your posts, just a minor hitch to stop you being with your MM.

 

You want to stay friends, with this have been acceptable to you if your husband tried to keep his AP in his life as a friend. It's just disrespectful, adding on to the affair.

 

I'm not trying to harsh I guess I just don't get the complete turnabout from BW to OW.when you know first-hand the pain an affair causes.

[gettinoverit]

@Amethyst

 

Who says I'm blase about any of this? It's been hell. The VERY little I've posted here is not nearly enough to make that kind of assumption. If you think I SOUND blase, well, that is my way of coping with the situation. I think I also made it pretty clear that if he wants to continue in his marriage I fully support that. Which he says he does. So - there we go. It is up to him whether or not he feels he should cut off the friendship. It's his wife. If you're thinking I should feel some kind of empathy for her, yes, of course I do. It's a horrible situation. I feel empathy for everyone involved including myself.

 

Yes, I am a former BW several times over. I didn't set out to be an OW. Nobody does. I fell for the wrong guy. I was weak at the time. What else can I say? I screwed up? Yup. Made a mistake? Absolutely. How did this happen? I guess at the time I was lonely, vulnerable, scared, and someone made me feel interesting and attractive and wanted and safe and at the time that was too hard to resist. This is not some cunning plan I had for myself.

 

Now I'm trying to get through it and out to the other side, including gradually stepping away. If he decides to cut off the friendship altogether, I will be absolutely devastated. But I'll have no other choice but to accept it. This started out as a solid good friendship years before it ever became anything more. And the "more" was only ever verbalizing feelings. Not that that makes it any less of an "affair" I know. But we have never even been out for dinner, or drinks, let alone been to a hotel room or anything like that. We are both avid hikers (we met volunteering for a clean up crew on the trails) and this is where most of our talking has been done. This is the first time I've ever had an experience like this and frankly it's sucked. I'm emotionally hooked and I'm working on unhooking myself.

 

He knows none of how I'm truly feeling. I have told him to go sort out his marriage, and basically if he can't, to come find me and I might be available, I might not. I'm struggling to walk away but it's the right thing to do. It's the friendship that's precious to me. My feelings are something I have to deal with alone, I'm not going to put them on him because that would be just manipulative. He has no idea just how much I feel for him. My heart leapt when he talked about us maybe one day being together. Then crashed down hard when he decided he couldn't do it. That's why I'm here I guess. To try and cope with my feelings "alone" as I try and unhook myself. At least there are no children involved on his side. I would feel even worse if that were the case.

Edited August 29, 2019 by gettinoverit

[Amethyst68]

I didn't mean you come across as blase about your own situation, it's obvious you're in pain but the BW just didn't seen to be a factor.

 

I noticed the reasons you think his marriage went last but these are things you won't be able to do either. You share custody so can't go live with him in Australia or take off with him when he wants to go walkabout, so do you think your relationship would any different? After all he would still have same real life restrictions that prevent him from doing what he wants.

 

IMO you're way too emotionally invested to try to retain this friendship and it would be extremely disrespectful to his BW (ever without a DDay). I'm assuming you know her if you were honestly just good friends for so long. It would be normal in that situation to meet his SO unless the friendship was unhealthy and breaking boundaries from the start.

[gettinoverit]

I didn't mean you come across as blase about your own situation, it's obvious you're in pain but the BW just didn't seen to be a factor.

 

I noticed the reasons you think his marriage went last but these are things you won't be able to do either. You share custody so can't go live with him in Australia or take off with him when he wants to go walkabout, so do you think your relationship would any different? After all he would still have same real life restrictions that prevent him from doing what he wants.

 

IMO you're way too emotionally invested to try to retain this friendship and it would be extremely disrespectful to his BW (ever without a DDay). I'm assuming you know her if you were honestly just good friends for so long. It would be normal in that situation to meet his SO unless the friendship was unhealthy and breaking boundaries from the start.

 

Oh the BW in this case is very much a factor. Yes, I have met her and I do know her. Not well. She's not a friend and frankly, if I'm honest, I have never liked her, even long before all this ever kicked off (I think the friendship was a good 3-4 years old give or take before any hint of feelings came into it. I can't really put an exact timeline on it as it happened so gradually). I find her very unfriendly bordering on rude. She's deeply religious (I'm not) and (in my opinion) very judgey. I'm sure she's not a bad person but we are just very different and not ever destined to be besties, that's for sure. But she must have good qualities for him to have married her!

 

The things we wanted to do together were way down the line in the future, not now. My children are older so it won't be that long before I am free to do the things we want. Anyway, it's a moot point now as it's never going to happen. And you're right. I am (at the moment at least) WAY too emotionally invested in this person. Hence this SOS thread. For the most part I am staying strong and determined to do the right thing and keep away whilst still being polite and giving him all the space I can to figure things out. But - every now and then, like yesterday, I have a weak moment hence the reach out here. I know we can't help who we fall for. I get that. We CAN help what we do about it though. I got addicted to the feelings based on the intense and loving words and conversations. But I'm trying hard to do the right thing now and step back.

[DeepSparks]

I feel your pain all too well and it is awful. The best thing you can do for your own sanity is to keep up with No Contact. It's so much easier said then done. You find yourself glued to your phone and your heart skips a beat every time you hear a text come through. Block his number so you know it cannot be him. That's what I did.

 

 

I am back to no contact and it's awful. My mind wanders and I wonder if he is ever thinking about me. The heart takes a long time to heal. I am glad we are all in this together though.

[gettinoverit]

 

I am back to no contact and it's awful. My mind wanders and I wonder if he is ever thinking about me. The heart takes a long time to heal. I am glad we are all in this together though.

 

Hey. Well, I don't know if this will help you, but I saw him briefly last night, and he told me this is killing him. He said he thinks about me all the time. Whenever he sees something funny or reads something he knows I would like he automatically starts sending it to me and then stops himself. He's scared of wasting any more time because he is already almost 60 (big 60 in November!) and he feels like he's wasting time flip flapping around. I said he's got to do the right thing and try and work things out if he can. And if he can't we can go from there but he needs to leave because it's not right there, not because of me.

 

He said that men give the impression they are over things because they can squish things down and pretend that they're fine. They keep busy and focus on other things but don't think for a second I'm forgotten or not being thought about because I am all the time. I'm sure it's the same for you - if it was real, he will be finding it hard and thinking about you. And if it wasn't, then you've dodged a bullet. So really - you can't lose either way

[gettinoverit]

Well, as always you guys were right. My LC plan was doomed to failure!

3 days ago we had a big argument. He whined about how guilty he feels about his feelings for me, and the time we have been spending together. Time, by the way, and feelings, that HE always initiates. He finished by wailing "she's such a good person! She doesn't deserve this!" And something inside me snapped. You know what? I'M a good person. *I* don't deserve this! And I simply said "Then go! Be with her. Fix your marriage. Have a great life!" And I walked away.

 

Oh, the POWER!

 

Then of course, I collapsed in an ugly cry puddle of chocolate and wine.

 

I know what's coming. Someone is going to comment here and say "well what about her? Where's your sympathy for her?" Sorry. Right now I am focusing on myself and getting myself out of this and onwards. That's taking all my energy.

 

Day 1 and 2 were gnarly. I didn't post here about it. You guys do NOT need to see angry-GOI, or miserable-GOI, or psycho-GOI. But day 3 seems to be the day for cool-GOI. I'm doing ok! I'm finally accepting this is what needs to be.

 

Of course, he's reaching out. Repeatedly.

 

I ran into him last night by chance. He was almost in tears. He tried to touch me. Reached out his arm to try and grab mine. But I was out of his reach. The metaphor was not lost on me.

 

To anyone considering NC - you will get there, in your own time. It took me a crazy long time to get to this point. But better late than never. I'm here now, and I'm starting to get really excited about a future without this emotional rollercoaster. I've booked a short weekend away for myself to coincide with Day 30. My reward. It's helping me stick to it.

 

I'm sure I'll be up and down over the next few weeks. But right now I'm up and I'll definitely take it! Not looking for sympathy, support, or anything. Just hoping that this post will help someone else on the fence about walking away. The first couple of days are bad bad bad. But push through it because it's about to get so much better.

[mark clemson]

Yes, there will be up (normal-feeling) days and down days as your brain processes this. I think the fact that you are having up day so soon is probably encouraging. Good luck!

[gettinoverit]

Yes, there will be up (normal-feeling) days and down days as your brain processes this. I think the fact that you are having up day so soon is probably encouraging. Good luck!

 

Thanks Mark! I feel like I am sure there will be up days and down days. he's been such a big part of my life for so long. It is very weird not to be text chatting constantly throughout the day. but I feel like I'm on an upwards trend out of this. And the further I step away the more clarity I seem to have on how he REALLY is, not the perfection I made him out to be. Very selfish, inconsiderate, and all about him.

 

I allowed myself the first couple of days to wallow and cry and process things. We were never in a PA, but it was the loss of hope for the future that was the killer. But now I'm determined to pull myself up and out of here by keeping positive and seeing the reality of it all, not the fantasy that kept this nonsense going for so long.

[Beentheretoooften]

I really don't understand this mindset that staying friends is somehow important? It's not.

 

 

Do you not have any other friends? Girl friends? To do friend stuff with? What could he possible add to your friendship that your other girl friends don't give you, friendship wise? Absolutely nothing.

 

Friendships are not all the same. And you don’t get the same thing out of each friendship. They are all unique with the value it adds to YOU. It’s not one shoe fits all.

[S2B]

Once you go NC and have time that passes and you adjust to not texting him every time you have a thought...you’ll feel the freedom that only a former OW can feel.

 

No more looking for attention from a liar who only paid attention to you to feed his ego.

 

No more wondering what he’s doing or not doing

 

No more wondering why he didn’t pick you

 

 

You deserve so much better than this! In any friendship and in anyone you may date!

 

He’s not available to please you. Find a man who makes ONLY you his top priority! He is NOT that guy!

[gettinoverit]

I had a situation happen to me recently. I can't go into details without risking identification, so I won't share exactly what happened. But my God! The lessons learned!

 

I always looked up to my MM. Idolized him almost. Believed all the nonsense he spewed about courage, integrity, being a good person, doing the right thing, etc etc.

 

Well, we fell into a situation not of our making a few days ago. A serious conflict between some people. Serious enough to need to dial 911. The person responsible for causing the conflict ran away. As did he. I was the ONLY one left to face down a group of irate people, knowing they may rip into me and frankly had every right to because of the behavior of someone else in my group (the one who disappeared). They all left me alone. Luckily, I was able to defuse a very bad situation.

 

Of course, all the excuses are coming out now. "I had to leave because of X". "It was easier for you because of Y and Z." Yes, maybe, possibly, the Y and Z might be true. But you know what? When the situation happened, the LAST thing on my mind was that Y and Z might protect me. ALL I was thinking about was "Are these people OK? Can I do anything to help? What is the RIGHT thing to do here?" So I risked my own neck ALONE because it was the RIGHT THING TO DO. And facing 4 irate people who had every right to scream and shout at me alone took a LOT of courage. Integrity. All the things he claims he has.

 

Oh, and I wasn't REALLY abandoned as such - because he WAS waiting nearby for me out of sight! Yes! That's actually what he said! He also - get this - said he was "very proud" of me! Patronizing Fwit!

 

Thank you Universe, for demonstrating to me what *I* actually am! All this time, I looked up to him, wanted to be like him. And now I see it - I am WAY above this person. *I* am what he can only dream of being. I am the one with the courage, and the integrity. And I am now out of HIS reach.

 

Wish I could go into full details, but trust me on this one - my eyes have been opened wide!

[preraph]

It's in adverse circumstances (and also when they're not getting their way) that you see who a person really is. Good for you. Walk away.