Yes - You can do it. But should you?

[Michael1978]

Like many, I came here hoping for advice, that one silver bullet to get my ex back in November last year. We are a middle aged couple made up of me, a serial offender in short relationships and her, married once to her high school sweetheart and 2 kids before the end of their relationship 6 years ago. She had trust issues, me? Still hoping for that happy ending!

 

We had 2 years that were, for the most part, amazing. She said "passionate, beautiful and loving" earlier this year.

 

That's when I realised, second chances can happen! So what did I do, and where am I now? What advice do I think you should take?

 

Well, I went down the path of pleading, bombarding, anger and drinking to oblivion. I got on Tinder which made the breakup worse. I read websites for 16 hours a day. I thought about her all. the. f**king. time. I saw her all the time because we work for the same TAFE (a College in the US) in the very small corporate area.

 

I bought the books and the programs that promised so much and I experimented and tried them on her with mixed success and ultimately being let down all over again. I bought a book called "How to be the 3% man" (or some sh*t) and made a Twitter comment to the author who lambasted me for not reading it enough, and wasting his time and his book. What a dickhead!

 

30 days no contact. It does work to start communicating, and some of the tricks they tell you can get you conversing. But it's nothing more than a trick if you don't do anything in that time. And frankly, if you reconcile after 30 days, you probably were going to anyway!

 

I listened to these guys who essentially taught you how to trick someone, and I tried them. They kinda worked, but nothing to get you over the line to rekindle.

 

I read, I studied... All in the hope of getting my ex back.

 

But it didn't work.

 

I came here for advice as my ex would turn up at my gigs and it would upset me. I was on the end of some pretty rotten treatment and advice from some people on here who mustn't think about people's mental states before they post.

 

In the January I kept reading, I kept watching, I kept trying. I thought about the reasons she called it off, and she was right! I had some things I needed to work on.

 

I hit the track. I ran like a beast, I cycled. I found a great psychiatrist to help with my depression / anxiety and helped me pinpoint why my entire life was the way it was. I kept reading and hoping for the silver bullet!

 

But what was really happening was I was getting stronger without her! I was actually making a life for myself that was healthy, active, exciting and new. I still missed her like mad and when I would pass her in the office I would sort of ignore her, but I would smile and look in her eyes. She'd look me up and down and I know that she was noticing things about me. My fitness, colour, tone and vitality that hadn't been there before. I spoke about my interests in the office and so many opportunities opened up for me. I became involved in a mental health support foundation, I started mentoring at risk school kids and I started writing about depression. I started blogging and was asked to collaborate on a book. Professionally I was going well and was sent to Canada and the US in May to present and undertake a study tour.

 

From February I started dating. Healthy dating. I took all of those books and programs and distilled them down to what they really meant. If you read them and study them you will realise this one thing -

 

THEY ARE ABOUT GETTING YOU TO FALL BACK IN LOVE WITH YOU!

 

I had confidence, I looked good , sure, seeing my ex would send my heart racing and my adrenaline sky high. I'd still leave a location if she arrived there - especially if she was with guys. And I crossed paths with her a lot.

 

I was dating where I could, and yeah, I was sleeping with people. I was enjoying my life. I was being open and honest with those that I was dating too. I'd remember points about being secure and confident. I'd manage my depression, I'd keep it light, and most of all, I'd keep my interests going. I had my life and a woman would be part of it, not all of it.

 

Many women that I dated wanted something serious and I would deliberately not pursue it.

 

Then I crossed paths with someone I had a single date with years before. We hit it off. I was charming, I was happy, composed, confident. I sat strong and said little. I used positive body language even though she made me nervous. I always tried to be funny in my own way. I took an interest in HER. She still is one of the most amazing women that I have ever met, and she is absolutely gorgeous too! But she was insecure and (in my opinion) hadn't taken the time to fall in love with herself before getting into our relationship - but I wasn't to find that out until later).

 

My new partner made me happy. She was 5 years younger than me (10 years younger than my ex who I was distraught over only 6 months prior). And one day my new partner came to my office where she we walked straight into my ex. She was visibly upset (my ex). Then she'd see me smiling and happy talking to my new partner and she looked sick, drawn and sad. This hurt me because I was great.

 

Then, one day, my phone rang... "ZZ Don't Call" popped up on my screen (a reminder to NEVER call my ex). I answered and what ensued was brutal! I smacked her down, hard. She wanted to be friends, and I didn't want that. She wanted us to be civil at work and I said that "If we can have a conversation, then I'd consider it" She didn't want to, so I ended the call.

 

I made a mistake of telling my new partner about the call. She encouraged me to "bury the hatchet" because it concerned her that we had hostility.

 

A lot weighed on my mind, so I called up my ex and asked why it was so important to her. She explained that she wasn't well and needed me to be a bit kind. We spoke a little more and I realised that I was in the better place, and that I should afford her compassion. She then told me that she was potentially very ill. Me, I jumped in my car and drove to her house where I sat with her for hours listening to her talk. We'd never communicated like that in a long time.

 

either way, I realised that I was healthy, better, stronger.

 

Of course, my new partner wasn't happy about me chatting to my ex, although she wanted it. My relationship blew up. I didn't tell my ex until one day she said :I hope I didn't mess things up with you and the new girl". Of course, she did.

 

So my ex and I started messaging. She asked to borrow a phone for a trip OS and I obliged. Then she started messaging pics of herself on holiday, in a bikini and enjoying life. I stayed very strong and would make small little comments about how she looked great, regardless of how she felt. She started reflecting on our relationship and the physical aspect. She started making suggestive remarks.

 

One Wednesday night I was sitting rubbing her arm when things nearly happened. She messaged me later to say that she only wants to hang out. It was pivotal. New me called and said "cool, of course", Just being relaxed.

 

A week later I was sitting on her couch and all of a sudden,m it was on. One comment and we were, well, having sex. Great sex...

 

From here she kept up messaging, asking me over. I kept saying "I have things to do" or "I don't know what this is, but let's see how it goes". This made her want me more. Then she'd want me to stay over. I started spending more time with her and her kids.

 

For all intents and purposes, we were a couple and people knew.

 

Then came the crash.

 

She was supportive and constantly complimenting me. I loved it. She made time for me. Then she stopped. She started getting distant and disinterested. I responded by being snappy and being disappointed in her. The cycle that lead to our breakup had started again.

 

One day she stopped talking. I went home. That was the last time we interacted for nearly 3 weeks. She had decided that I was doing the same things over and essentially ended it over an amalgam of incidents over our total few years. It wasn't fair, and it still wasn't true.

 

Then I realised - I wasn't entirely to blame. Relationships take 2 people, and reconciling is more than one person fixing themselves. Both have to make change to be the people they need to be in the relationship. I'd done the work and she'd stripped it all away and turned me back into the same guy she left. AND I LET IT HAPPEN!

 

So here I am, fighting my mental health, missing her terribly, angry because she KNEW she was splitting up my relationship, and I am angry because I believed that this time it would be different.

 

So what is the point of all of this?

 

YES - You can get your ex back. But realise this, your time apart is for YOU TO WORK ON YOU! No one loves you like you LOVE YOURSELF! and when you do your magnetism will be restored.

 

Improve FOR YOU! I've ridden massive cycling events (I wasn't a cyclist) and about to compete in my first marathon (yep, my ex loved my 'new body'). People noticed my appearance (total of 18kg lost) and that made me confident.

 

Don't set out to get your ex back. YOU NEED TO GET YOURSELF BACK.

 

If you must reconcile, ensure that your ex is the best person for you. It's hard to recover from heartbreak, and it's even harder to do it twice. I am making all the same mistakes and it'll take me a while to get my positivity back (especially with mental illness) BUT IT WILL HAPPEN.

 

My ex may even want me back, and if I consider it then it will be a decision not made lightly. But I am focused on the future and being the best me.

 

So I am going back to reading, listening to podcasts and generally falling back in love with myself.

 

Lastly, BE KIND TO YOU! We lose ourselves in relationships, and we allow ourselves to be trodden on for the hope of reconciliation. In fact, being a strong person that doesn't submit is FAR MORE LIKELY to get your ex back.

 

So there's my story.

 

Best of luck to you all and if I can help, please, I'd love to.

 

And don't listen to the people on here giving you "the brutal truth". It's a crock. What you need is realistic support, not inflated dreams or a hard reality check.

[Twizzlestick]

Hey OP

 

Sorry to hear your pain. I wonder if she sprang back because she was low, and seeing you with someone else triggered that desire. Like kids wanting the toy they can’t have.

 

I read on a blog that exes often -IF - they come back it’s usually for bad reasons. Her blaming you about you’ve not changed is a lie. Don’t fall for it. She likely hadn’t changed herself. When people reconcile the dumper really needs to want you cap in hand, accept the flaws of you and them and work together. A dumper coming back for “another look” is not in the mental frame of mind to give it a fair go.

 

Wishing you well. I still wish to hear from my ex. It’s hurts terribly 10 months later.

[elaine567]

Are you a better version of you? Yes

Are you a fitter, healthier person? Yes

Are you a mentally stronger person? Yes

 

BUT

Are you a better fit for your ex? No, she doesn't think you are.

She no doubt missed you, no doubt got excited by the "new" you and fell in love again, but once the honeymoon period ended, she realised you were still not right for her.

It is quite a common phenomenon in second chances.

The old grievances, resentments and incompatibilities eventually tend to resurface, complete sometimes with a whole set of new ones, thus resulting in another split.

 

You did it before, you can do it again.

Time to "let it go" for good this time.