Dealing with the emotional fallout after being cheated on

[aukonak]

I posted a more complete account of what happened in the Second Chances forum, but the jist is, I found out that very soon after having the exclusivity talk in a fairly short relationship, the girl I was seeing hooked up with her extremely long-term ex after she'd told him she was seeing someone new and he made a play to rekindle things.

 

Most of the advice I received on here was to run away - and I understand exactly why that was the advice being given...cheating that early on is a massive red flag, an ex is bad news, the nature in which I found out wasn't encouraging, etc. I ended up "taking space" and then ending things entirely (or so I thought) a couple of weeks ago.

 

In the month since I found out and now, she's been doing pretty much everything in her power to show me she knows how much she screwed up, how selfish it was of her, how she hadn't realized she hadn't fully processed things being over with him and had never established healthy boundaries. In a lot of painful conversations she's put up with my tearing her explanations and decisions apart, and said that she'd understood 100% why anyone would walk away if I chose to but would love for me to stay and try to trust her again.

 

A week or so after ending things, I'd started to think that after all I could actually give her another shot, because as screwed up as what she did was, I do think it could've been just a massive one-off mistake. We started talking about hanging out again and moving forward and not having to rehash everything.

 

What I underestimated was the emotional and psychological impact the whole thing really had on me, and the massive insecurities it all blew wide open on top of any justifiable mistrust I had. I gave her crap for a few lengthy texting gaps, because when she cheated she'd lied about where she was and was unresponsive. I found myself almost sure that she was talking to the ex again. I of course doubted everything she said about how she felt about me, and how much I mattered to her. Finally, last night, she came out with some friends and I, and I flipped out on her after being fed up with watching she and a friend's new foreign boyfriend go on for what seemed like forever about his accent. No, I don't think she was actually flirting, and I didn't really feel threatened by the guy, but I definitely felt insecure and pissed off that she was even possibly putting the POSSIBILITY of it looking like flirting out there and of course not being more sensitive to me.

 

I felt like I'd made myself uber-vulnerable by agreeing internally to give her another shot, and was showing a lot of insecure behavior myself that made me feel even less secure on top of not having rebuilt that trust in her yet. I felt like, while understandable, I blew things up irreparably by getting jealous over the foreign dude. I guess I'm just sitting here today feeling like crap and realizing how insecure this has all made me and how mind blowingly frustrating that is. Just sharing in case anyone out there's been through this and dealt with fallout that's more than just not trusting the cheater.

[elaine567]

Cheating events can take literally years to get over and that is with good counselling and a previously good solid bond like a marriage and a great motivation ie kids, shared assets, businesses...

 

People in short term relationships, just need to walk away... it is not worth all the angst.

[notbroken]

Elaine is right. Cheating can have serious long term consequences to your self esteem and 'mojo'. Especially if you rug sweep and let them get away with it and/or stay with them. That's why at this stage of my life I definitely have an unconditional 100% intolerance for cheating. Run from her. Tell her she is a cheater and you just can't trust her ever again and please don't ever contact me. That will at least help you regain a bit of self respect even though it may not be easy to 'lose her' (but you are really just losing someone you could never trust). I'm not sure it is really any different in long term relationships either - and yes I know the pain from that. BTDT. Zero tolerance is the best policy for cheating.

[Marc878]

The bigger problem is the capability is there.

 

It's not uncommon to get a repeat. 2, 5 even 10 or 15 years later.

 

You probably think yours is a special circumstance but it's pretty typical. Nothing special here at all.

 

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

[smackie9]

Lesson learned right? This why we go through these experiences, even the most difficult ones....it's to teach you how to handle situations like this when they arise. It's unhealthy and toxic to stick by someone who doesn't have boundaries, and lacks respect. She has manipulated you into thinking she will be better next time...NOT! kick this one to the curb.

[Marc878]

Never treat someone as a priority when you are nothing more than an option to them.

[kendahke]

In the month since I found out and now, she's been doing pretty much everything in her power to show me she knows how much she screwed up, how selfish it was of her, how she hadn't realized she hadn't fully processed things being over with him and had never established healthy boundaries.

 

Isn't it insulting to your esteem that a grown woman couldn't seem to remember any of this before she took off her panties, laid down in a bed with her ex and had sex with him (all deliberate actions)? It took so little for her to chuck you to the side and crawl back into bed with him. Between the choice of not giving her ex the audience in the first place to put all of this in motion and doing it, she chose to do it. That speaks a lot for how little she thought of both you and her relationship with you.

 

A week or so after ending things, I'd started to think that after all I could actually give her another shot. I do think it could've been just a massive one-off mistake.

 

Cognitive dissonance

 

I felt like I'd made myself uber-vulnerable by agreeing internally to give her another shot, and was showing a lot of insecure behavior myself that made me feel even less secure on top of not having rebuilt that trust in her yet. I felt like, while understandable, I blew things up irreparably by getting jealous over the foreign dude. I guess I'm just sitting here today feeling like crap and realizing how insecure this has all made me and how mind blowingly frustrating that is. Just sharing in case anyone out there's been through this and dealt with fallout that's more than just not trusting the cheater.

 

Some people have to learn the hard way...

 

And BTW, she's the one who has done the irreparable damage to your relationship. Granted your reaction in front of your social circle was real bad form, but you caved on the insult way too quickly in order to take her back--and she hadn't done anything but grovel to get back to the status quo..

[ExpatInItaly]

It wasn't you that did irreparable damage to the relationship, OP. It was her.

 

I hope more people who take back cheaters will read your story here. In the moment, many betrayed partners are just so hurt and want so badly to feel lovable that they forgive infidelity far too quickly. They don't have the presence of mind to foresee the very rocky road ahead as they try to navigate the fall-out of being cheated on. It's incredibly rough.

 

I would end this relationship for good if I were you. One that starts on such shaky ground is unlikely to succeed.

[jakrbbt]

I think you have been very reasonable. It sounds painful, because you have been reasonable in two conflicting actions. It was reasonable to conclude that she may have made a massive mistake and might be able to have a monogamous relationship. That definitely happens, as doubtful as it always looks from the outside, and besides, you wanted to be with her.

 

You were also very reasonable in distrusting her. You were reasonable in disliking her insensitive behavior: It shows she doesn't have your back, and she isn't concerned with building intimacy and trust.

 

The behavior with the foreign-accent guy also underscores what I think is worse: Gaps where she wasn't responsive.

 

Cellphones can become such torture devices in relationships.

 

If she isn't responsive for a time (in a way that mirrors the cheating), it could be cheating, or it could be innocent. But look at her other behavior. If she's acting in a way that's insensitive and self-absorbed and insecure for men's affections, you can reasonably see that as circumstantial evidence that the communication gaps may have been cheating. But you can't know.

 

I think the real difficulty is you do not know. You may never, ever know. If you go back and forth between wanting her and trusting her, and then thinking she's cheating or will cheat, that's all a reasonable reaction to the big fat you-can't-know.

 

I hear there are ways to build trust. But in the meantime, if I were you, I'd ask myself whether you can live with not knowing.

 

Not knowing is a special kind of suck, because it also makes you doubt a decision to leave. What if you left, and she would actually have been faithful?

 

But I think even if you stay, even if she's faithful, there'd be that element of not knowing (and not trusting). Unless you can get couples' counseling that allows trust-building.

 

What I gather from post-cheating books I've read is you, the betrayed partner, can't build trust for her out of thin air, just on principle. The ball is not in your court. The ball is in her court.

 

If you want to try to stay, I'd suggest this: Rather than looking to all the small slights she does, that you could interpret as not picking up the ball, I think you need to be very direct. I think you need to make sure she understands two things: 1) The ball is in her court; 2) There are ways to build trust, that she probably doesn't know how to do. I just can't see how to move forward otherwise; you can't build trust out of whole cloth.

 

If you decide to leave, and you fear not trusting YOURSELF with that decision, I'd suggest this: Understand that you can leave just because of the not-knowing factor. To me, from the outside, that sounds imminently reasonable. But then I'm not in the relationship, and it's always so easy for us strangers to discount all the reasons to stay.

[aukonak]

Good comments from all. Yea I'd tried to give her another shot, and put up with some struggles on my end with the situations I'd outlined. The real deal-breaker was finding out that when we'd first broken up, she immediately reached out to the ex for consolation, and had continued texting every few days even after we'd tried to pick back up and repair things.

 

I'm actually grateful that that happened because it made my decision to walk the hell away that much easier.