amaysngrace Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 So last week at my uncles bday party my sister comes up to me and lies in my face. She said somebody said something about me that wasn’t good so I started looking for this person to go iron things out and my sister realizes what I’m doing and then said this person didn’t actually say that. I haven’t heard from her ever since and it was like ten days ago. I’m kind of bummed because I thought we were in a good place and we are suppose to be doing thanksgiving together with both of our families and she even invited me to be in her book club a few weeks ago so I got the book and everything. At least now I don’t need to read the book somebody picked out for me. That’s the main reason I always hated school, I hated being told what to read and just wanted to learn what interested me. I guess that’s good at least that I don’t have to read some book I didn’t choose and then meet up to talk about the book. I’m going to have to remember to bring it back the next time I go to the library. So I guess I’m cooking at home this year. Do you think my sister is a narcissist? Sometimes I think that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 Suggest your own book for the club to read... https://www.amazon.com/Normal-One-Difficult-Damaged-Sibling/dp/0385337566/ref=asc_df_0385337566/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=344024537669&hvpos=1o3&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7234933614583546461&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9010836&hvtargid=aud-801381245258:pla-618107817967&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=69543896392&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=344024537669&hvpos=1o3&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7234933614583546461&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9010836&hvtargid=aud-801381245258:pla-618107817967 I'm not sure how I would handle this, probably have a heart to heart with her and come to some understanding about the lie and why it was told and just move on from it... She sounds like a pathological liar, I always felt my Dad was one but he passed away before I ever had an adult chance to figure it all out. Today I have to just say it was who he was and work from there.. but he passed away 32 years ago or so so a lot of time has passed and it isn't like I could go ask him anything.. but you still can. *****Hugz***** 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted October 5, 2019 Author Share Posted October 5, 2019 That’s too funny because the book I’m suppose to be reading is called The One. Thank you for making me laugh Your advice is almost identical to what my best friend told me I should do. She knows my sister well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 (edited) If my sister did something like that I'd wonder if she had a brain tumor/was intoxicated/playing truth-or-dare. But, we don't have a history that would make that behavior make ANY kind of sense..... Edited October 5, 2019 by CautiouslyOptimistic 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted October 5, 2019 Author Share Posted October 5, 2019 We have had our ups and downs and even did counseling together this time last year because she got violent with me a couple times and I told her I don’t want her in my life but she apologized and suggested counseling but she owned up to nothing in counseling and made it seem like I was exaggerating being slapped or pulled to the ground by her. She had her arms crossed the whole entire time in counseling too and I really wanted to work things out. I even drove an hour to be up near her, she had to drive ten minutes. I really wanted a relationship with her but more and more I don’t see what’s the point in trying. My best friend says you can’t pick your family but I think you should be able to, even if who you consider family doesn’t share your blood. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 I have a younger brother 53(younger then me anyway)that is full of strut and bravado but inside he is a mass of insecurity. We can not hold a decent conversation because he has to one up me. It doesn't matter what it is he has one better, done more or has more experience. He does this with my sister also. I guess it's a form of lying. I just let him go on without comment. If it makes him feel better then it's the least I can do for him. It's not really hurting me any except that we can't connect as brothers. Once these type of dynamics happen in a family it's difficult to change. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted October 5, 2019 Author Share Posted October 5, 2019 Um, I can change. I can let her go. It’s just odd that I’m suppose to forgive and forget all the time. I can change that too. I would never say something to her to make her feel bad, even if it were true. Here she’s making up lies to try to hurt me. I just don’t get it. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 does any form of mental illness run in your family? her behavior sounds a bit odd 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted October 5, 2019 Author Share Posted October 5, 2019 Moodiness runs in my family. Right now I’m in a very bad one with her 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 Moodiness runs in my family. Right now I’m in a very bad one with her :lmao::lmao: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 I'm sorry she's lying to you and has been a crap sister. As far as what she said, I'd be tempted to go ahead and contact the person she said said something bad about you and tell her what your sister said and then took it back so that that person knows she's lying about her. Then maybe that person will give her some consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted October 5, 2019 Author Share Posted October 5, 2019 The person was Joan, a family friend that I haven’t seen since my aunt’s funeral. I wouldn’t even know how to contact her. I should’ve taken care of it then but it was a party so I just walked away and went back dancing. She did text me after the party and told me to text her when I got home and I did about five hours later because I went to an after party plus I’m an hour away. She never responded to my text. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted October 5, 2019 Author Share Posted October 5, 2019 does any form of mental illness run in your family? her behavior sounds a bit odd Actually when I told her about hitting me she said “I’m (meaning her) sick.” By the time counseling came about she was boasting about herself and how wonderful she is, blaming me for overreacting and trashing me to our lady. Counseling wasn’t very helpful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 As you said, the best thing you can do is let her go. Obviously, she seemed standoffish to me if she had her arms crossed at the councilor's office and anything and everything that was said went in one ear and out the other. But my first train of thought was that she lied to get a rise out of you. I know it's way easier said than done, but don't let it get you down. In any case, I hope it works out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 Counseling wasn’t very helpful. Are you the older sister? It may be as simple as jealousy, perhaps she thinks she doesn’t measure up in some way? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 I'm so sorry to read this, amaysn! It so painful when family members hurt us seemingly on purpose or without regret. Lying and violence, two things she's done to you, ruin relationships. If you can stand to be around her, go ahead. But, I'd probably not try to have a relationship with her and just be kind to her at family gatherings. From what you've written she's got some huge issues you can't solve, but which will affect your relating to her if you're close with her and until she feels a need for some help and gets some help. In your place I'd take anything she says with a grain of salt. Then I'd set up some boundaries with her and keep my distance since she's gotten physical with you. AND I'd pray for her. I'll bet you already do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted October 5, 2019 Author Share Posted October 5, 2019 Are you the older sister? No she’s a few years older than I am. I really think she may be a narcissist. I know that word gets thrown around a lot but there are only two people in my life I’d slap that label on...she is one of them. The lie she told me is that “you’re scaring Joan” Such an odd thing to say since the only exchange I had with Joan was a pleasant one when I first saw her. As soon as I turned to look for Joan is when she admitted Joan didn’t actually say that. I told my sister “no? that’s your word then” and walked away immediately. I had so much fun at that party and got to dance a lot. Maybe that got under her skin somehow, me having a good time? That’s pretty sad if that’s true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 The person was Joan, a family friend that I haven’t seen since my aunt’s funeral. I wouldn’t even know how to contact her. I should’ve taken care of it then but it was a party so I just walked away and went back dancing. She did text me after the party and told me to text her when I got home and I did about five hours later because I went to an after party plus I’m an hour away. She never responded to my text. Just playing devil's advocate. Is it possible that she wasn't lying about what the friend said but she said she lied when she realized you were going to confront the friend because she didn't want that person to be mad at her? I know when I was younger I was in that situation a couple of times. Somebody would tell me something they heard another person say about me. I'd confront that person who would then chew out the person who told me. Then the person who told me would be upset with me for confronting the other person because that revealed who told me. Wow! That was a confusing sentence to write, hope it made sense. Basically everyone involved would wind up being mad at someone while also having someone at them. I mostly blame the person who first said something nasty. If you can't say it to someone's face then don't say it to someone else who knows the person you are talking about. The second person who passes what they heard along is almost doing the same thing. They want to stir the pot but do it secretly so that nobody gets mad at them. So is it at all possible that your sister told you she lied just so you wouldn't confront the other person? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 It's easy for me to say steer clear of her, because it's not my sister. You have to determine what you can handle in the effort to have some kind of relationship with her. It definitely sounds like you need to stay fully aware of her track record and maintain boundaries with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted October 5, 2019 Author Share Posted October 5, 2019 So is it at all possible that your sister told you she lied just so you wouldn't confront the other person? I mean I guess it’s possible but my sister has twisted the truth in the past to suit herself. Like here is one, she claimed she’s a healthcare professional when she’s actually in charge of the guidance department at a high school. Sure she may have taken a soc or psych course here and there but she’s in education. She mostly administers tests for state funding and oversees student scheduling. My kids went to high school, my one child was bullied, so I’m very familiar with the roles they each play. The guidance department plays around with your schedule and helps you get into college mostly. There’s a whole other department for mental health counseling. But she has to puff herself up for some reason even if it’s false. That’s another narcissistic trait. And it’s been days since she’s contacted me. I honestly think she’s avoiding me because I see the person behind the mask and I could out her in a minute. I’m seriously thinking of just blocking her number but not sure if that will show up in our group texts, we're in quite a few of those together. I’d rather not drag a bunch of people into this drama. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 I sympathize. I do have a narcissistic older sister. My first memory is of her leaving me at age 2 or 3 sitting on ice and walking off leaving me helpless. The second memory I have is her intentionally slamming my toddler fingers totally shut in the door of a 1940s pickup just to be mean. Our physician lived right next door, fortunately. 4 fingers were dangling from the second joint, open and bleeding out and barely attached. He sewed them on right then and there and I'm so grateful. I'm sure he'd never had to do something like that before. She hit me as a teen once. Then she decided to be nice for some years and now she's back to having uncontrolled rage with me and loses her temper when out having to do errands too. I cut her off for awhile, but she's 75 so I've got to try to hang in there. She also (along with my mother) also abused me by the way they treated me verbally and ganged up on me. So I certainly sympathize. I say take a break while you can. Just distance yourself. Your sister enjoys trying to make you feel inferior and get you in trouble. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 preraph, all that abuse makes one a strong person. I wasn't abused by my family but moreso from the kids in school (because I was different). In a weird way if I went back I wouldn't change anything cause it made me who I am today. Do you understand? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted October 5, 2019 Author Share Posted October 5, 2019 preraph My sister slammed my finger in a door too, so hard my pinky nail fell off. She also punctured my ear drum by getting me to play doctor and she jammed a lollipop stick so hard into my ear that blood gushed out. She’s always been mean, just like yours. I just forgot. This was before I even went to kindergarten. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 Amaysn, sorry to hear that. Yeah, I got some bullying in middle school (I guess a lot of kids did). It took me from being extroverted to defensive and rebellious. I had to just rationalize them that if they were that mean and petty, I was better than them and couldn't care too much what they thought. I basically stopped caring pretty much what anyone thought. There's better ways to get strong, though. It did erode my confidence for quite a while. It's important to get your power back. There were always some bullies around in my middle and high school years, either by my rural home (a neighbor and his mean friends) or at school. I lived kind of a dangerous life after school out in the fields riding horses and my scooter with a pack of bullies after me and my riding buddy. Once I was in my 20s and forward, I was always stronger than anyone I knew, though. Not so much now that I'm deteriorating physically though Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted October 5, 2019 Author Share Posted October 5, 2019 That’s a shame, preraph At least you had a riding buddy though. I tell my daughter it’s quality not quantity when it comes to friends. I’d rather have one good friend than 100 so-so ones. Anyway, I don’t know if I should block her or what. I kind of want to just so it’s my decision and it’s on my terms. I was ready to write her off this time last year. It’s just hard because it’s family. Our kids are cousins. And our cousins are our friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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