Feeling so empty inside

[Vinie]

Currently my boyfriend (25) and I (28), we dated for five years before we broke up. Reasons for breaking up, he basically lost interest, said he doesn’t love me anymore. Started flirting with girls online while we were together.

 

Eighteen months later, he reached out and ask for a second chance. He said because I have lost you and hurt you, now I will never make the same mistake again. I want to be with you, have a family and because of our history you know I mean it.

 

I’m risking everything talking to you. I can risk it all because I love you. I didn’t know what I wanted back then, but I do now. I promise that I have good intention and I want to give it another shot. Even if this end up blowing up in my face, you are worth any potential pain, even if its only 5% I will take that chance. You will never regret giving me a chance; I give you my word. I will invest in this whether it success or fail. I love all of you, the good the bad and the ugly.Just imagine me as a brand new person and we will start a brand new chapter together, a fresh page.

 

We continue texting for a bout 2 weeks. Then we got into a small fight, and he completely turns the other way. Said we’re not compatible, I’m too immature and don’t want anything to do with me anymore. How we can never start fresh because he can't differentiate.

 

So what am asking is, did he meant what he said when he came back to me? Because I believed everything he said until he just gave up after a petty fight. Does stuff like that easy for a guy to say without meaning it? Or did he meant it but somehow decided he can’t go through with it?

 

What should I do now?

Edited September 1, 2019 by Vinie

[d0nnivain]

You gave him a 2nd chance & it didn't work. What you should do now is let go completely.

 

He may have been sincere but that doesn't matter. Wanting something & being able to do the work to have it are vastly different.

 

You also went about this all wrong. You can't have a relationship over text. A fight over text is absolutely ridiculous. When things got heated, you needed to put down the phone & talk face to face in person.

[ExpatInItaly]

To answer the question in the title of your thread - yes, people can say just about anything without meaning it.

 

If your guy was talking to other women online before you'd even broken up (and I assume this means the chats were not appropriate for a taken man) then you have to realize he's not exactly Mr. Ethics. I am sure that would extend to the things he says to you, also.

 

What was this petty fight about?

[Fekenaws]

I feel for you OP, I've been in a similar position before and it stings.

 

That being said, yes, absolutely. What you essentially asked is "Can people lie?"

 

They can, they do. Sometimes its a moment of weakness, sometimes its for control, sometimes its the heat of the moment, sometimes its said to spare our feelings. Whatever the reason may be, however, it doesn't really matter.

 

You got to preserve your own self-worth and move on.

[preraph]

Guys frequently say things they don't mean, especially when they're either having sex or wanting to have sex, and especially when they are trying to regain control over you.

 

He's said plenty of bad crap too, so why dwell on the false promises? Just dump him and move on.

[GorillaTheater]

^^^^ You got that right, mon petit papillon d'amour.

[Veronica73]

Yes, guys can absolutely say sweet things without meaning it. And also, some people are quite fickle and/or have poor self-knowledge or judgement. Or are impulsive. Maybe he sincerely thought he meant it when he said it, but then changed his mind. Who knows. But he certainly doesn’t seem at all reliable. Next!

[S2B]

Sure they do - just ask any cheating married man.

 

They tell the OW all the time they will divorce - and rarely do.

 

If he told you that and left you after a small fight - he’s not the one!

 

He needs to learn to communicate and work through issues.

Edited September 4, 2019 by S2B

[The Outlaw]

Yes. And anyone is capable of that. But actions speak louder than words and his isn't any good. If he started flirting with girls when you were together, there isn't any guarantee that he won't do it again if you take him back.

[MetallicHue]

I think it can go both ways. I’ve been told things by women things were fine only to have it thrown in my face later. But regardless I don’t think that matters as this person seems fickle and best to move on.

[Veronica73]

I think it can go both ways. I’ve been told things by women things were fine only to have it thrown in my face later. But regardless I don’t think that matters as this person seems fickle and best to move on.

 

Nobody is saying it can’t go both ways. But the person she is talking about is a guy. Hence, that is what we are talking about. No need for “what aboutism”.

[snowboy91]

To answer your question in the title: Absolutely yes. But so can girls.

 

I don't think this is what is happening here though. It's likely he actually meant what he said when trying to take you back, since he was clearly feeling a lot of pain about the breakup. But once he did get you back, all the same issues/incompatibilities that caused the breakup in the first place resurfaced and he decided the relationship still wasn't going to work.

 

It doesn't seem like he got back with you just to mess with you, more so he's just really fickle and doesn't have a good grasp on what he wants in a relationship.

[basil67]

I believe he truly meant what he said about wanting to get back together with you, but once you started again, he was very quickly reminded of why it didn't work in the first place.

 

Thing is, time apart can exaggerate our feelings. A while ago, I was doing housekeeping on my PC and found a letter I'd written to a friend when I was just out of my marriage. In the letter, I expressed how frustrated I was with my temporary living situation...but time had allowed me to forget my frustration and I was honestly shocked to read what it was actually like. If I'd ever gone back to the same living situation without having read the letter, I'd have a shock of reality.

[Maddie82]

I don't think he meant it at all. He was full of crap. He used you when he had no other options. There was no one he could flirt with or fool around with or get attention from, so he knocked at your door to pass the time. He cannot be trusted and never give him anymore chances. He doesn't care about you lovely. You deserve better.

[Vinie]

Thank you all for your advice and comments. I do agree with what you're saying. Its been a very hard month for me and my emotions has been a roller coaster.

 

I think part of me was hoping that he is still the same guy I fell in love with when he came back. I wanted to believe him, but I know I can’t anymore.

 

Also, I think I was trying to convincing myself that he wouldn’t lie to me again because I know him. He was the sweetest guy, he was so caring, and in love with me back then, he even wanted a future with me and talked about it regularly. He was young when we first started dating so maybe he just wanted to experience life on his own and now he realized he still want a future with me, well that what I wanted to tell myself.

 

I realized now that we were both immature at times back then. Part of me wanted to make it up to him, for all the fights we had. I started to think maybe he was right and I was the problem, he said I drove us apart by always being angry. I feel regrets, and I started blaming myself, and hating myself. Asking myself why was I upset, frustrated and angry all the time; I was never like that before the relationship.

 

Did I want too much attention, was I being unreasonable, did I push him away, did I changed him from a sweet kind guy to this cold heartless lier of a person, all those questions keep playing back in my head. I read back at some of our past msgs, and I realized I suggest breaking up a few times in the relationship, saying his no longer make efforts, he can't communicate with me, he always make me choose side between him and my family, and I feel emotionally drain and tired of the relationship.

 

We never broke up because he always manages to calm me down and promise to change. Maybe me bringing up the break up too often, cause him to think we are going to break up eventually mentally, so it’s ok to flirt with other girls and eventually break up with me when he found someone else he was interested in. I keep blaming myself, wishing I could change the past.

 

I am seeing a counselor to help me deal with my emotions and regrets. My family and friends are very supportive. I just don’t know what I should do from here. It just feel so hard to forget him again.

[carhill]

 

I am seeing a counselor to help me deal with my emotions and regrets. My family and friends are very supportive. I just don’t know what I should do from here. It just feel so hard to forget him again.

The counselor will help you process the events and emotions and accept them and move on. You can remember him and the good times and memories you made together and still accept that those times are over and new adventures await you. I dealt with similar processes in marriage counseling prior to our divorce a decade ago. Now I can talk about the good times we had, feel positive about that, and not miss my wife at all. Don't hate her, don't love her. Took a couple years after divorce to get to that point. You'll get there. If you need support or advice, plenty here to help with that. Good luck!

[stillafool]

Yes in the moment he meant the sweet things he said to you. However, as soon as there was conflict he dismissed you again. He hasn't changed and now he knows that he doesn't want you back. He sounds fickle.

[preraph]

The longer you know a person, the more you know the whole person. When you first meet someone if they're interested in you, they are putting on their best behavior and concealing the rest. This is why you always need to wait a year or two before considering marrying someone. You have to see who they really are and it can take even longer than that. You really don't know who a person is until you have seen how they are when they are not getting their way! Then you see the dark side.

 

So you hope he's really the guy when you first met, but he's not. That was him trying to impress you. He's really the guy you're seeing now. The longer you know someone, the better you know them.

[Vinie]

I'm back again with my problems. I just don’t know where to go to talk about my feelings and struggles. I don’t want to bother my friends with the same topic, and my appointment with my counselor is not for another week.

 

It’s been 19 months now since my bf broke up with me. He came back about 4 months ago for a second chance, but left after 2 months. I can’t seem to move on since then, all my feelings are rushing back. When i finally think that I am healing, feeling great, happy, and positive, then suddenly it hit me like today, I felt so hurt again and sad, I can’t seem to stop crying. Probably due to my friends talking about their relationship that triggered my feelings.

 

He was a horrible bf in the last year of our relationship, string me along telling me lies about wanting a future with me, while flirting with other girls and then eventually broke up with me for someone else. He admitted that he stop loving me a year before he broke up with me. He came back and lied some more and then left me again. I know his a horrible person and not someone I want a future with, but why can’t I stop missing the old him. Why do deep down I'm still hoping he come back the third time as a change man. Why do I keep holding on? Even though I don’t even know if I can trust or accept him if he ever come back again.

 

Earlier in the relationship, he was an amazing bf. He was sweet, caring, he put up with my temper and always say how much he love me. Part of me feel like maybe it was me and my temper that drove him away, I blame myself for sabotaging my relationship, even he said that I was the one that sabotaged it, i think I agree with him. We always fight and when we fight I can’t seem to cool down quick, I end up wanting to break up because I felt he make no effort anymore, then he said he make no effort because I'm always unhappy and it was tiring. I can’t stop replaying the scenarios in my head and I feel like a horrible person, like I changed him to become this lier and cold hearted person. I keep asking myself why was I so angry at him all the time, there has to be a trigger somewhere or was i'm just a horrible and unreasonable gf like he said. I feel responsible and that I deserve to be in pain now for hurting him back then, his hurting me is like my karma.

 

I feel so drown in my emotions. Sorry for being so negative on here. I try to distract myself but all I can think about is him. I was doing so well in the last week, now its like i'm back to square one again. So disappointed in myself.

Edited October 5, 2019 by Vinie

[stillafool]

 

I am seeing a counselor to help me deal with my emotions and regrets. My family and friends are very supportive. I just don’t know what I should do from here. It just feel so hard to forget him again.

 

What does your counselor suggest you do to deal with your emotions and regrets?

[preraph]

Your relationship ran out of juice the more you got to know one another. You just have to face that he was not who you hoped he was. You had high hopes he was the one, that you were right for each other. This often happens in early days of dating. But the longer you date, the more you see the real person. I mean, that is what dating is for. The more you know of a person, the less they usually are the person you hoped they were.

 

You have got to stop mourning for him because he wasn't who you hoped he was. He was just doing all the flattering stuff in the beginning and on his best pretend behavior. He was assuming you were the woman of his dreams too, that you were the one. The longer you were together, the more apparent it was you were not right for each other, at least to him and I think you too if you'd just stop trying to believe that the "real" him is the one when you first started dating. That is just NEVER true.

 

Mourn, sure, but mourn for the disappointment that turned out to be him and realize he's not the one.