Wife moved out

[Ias61489]

I'm new here. Given the fact that when I got hurt 6 years ago I kinda stopped talking to most people I really don't have anyone to talk to I just tried to find a place where I could talk about whats going on with me.

 

My wife and I have been married since 2017. We have been together for 5 years. We have a 1 child together and she has 2 from a previous relationship. They are mind I have adopted them and nothing will ever change that. So early in the relationship during a period we were fighting my wife or GF at the time ended up sleeping with one of her coworkers. 2 days after her getting hurt walking into work I found out about it. She expressed guilt about it and she said she didn't wanna lose me. I was head over heels for her and those kids at this point so I stayed with her.

 

Shortly after we got into a car accident and she hurt her neck, During the process to get testing done for it we found out she was pregnant. This prolonged the pain and suffering for her. Given that I decided to not talk to her about the cheating and try to move on which I now see as a mistake.

 

Just wanted some questions answered and whatever else to help me move on. I did forgive her but I was having hard time moving on. We suffered because of it. I have made stupid comments over the time about coworkers and cheating and whatever else and when she would go out with all of her coworkers it attacked me emotionally and I wasn't very kind to her about it. I would ignore her texts or maybe just be angry when she got home and that is completely my fault.

 

I will note that when she was going out with any coworkers the one she cheated with was gone. He had left before she went back to work.

 

Move forward to 2017 I asked her to marry me and we got married. I ended up adopting her children as my own and while I was still having issues in the back of my mind with the cheating Was trying to move on.

 

About 6 months ago I found out by accident that late at night she was texting someone when I was out of the room or during the day while at work it was an all day thing. I confronted her and wasn't angry I had kept myself together about it ad she explained who it was and why she did it. Nothing sexual just someone to talk to and she didn't wanna tell me beavsue of how I might react. Its an elderly gentleman that is part of a union associated with her job. I overcame my initial anger and saw that she needed this person because I wasn't being the person she needed me to be. That hurt me.

 

My wife has always had a issue opening up to me its just the kinda person she is. She holds things back or ignores them and hopes it goes away. Her words not mine. It does create some issues but we have been trying to work on it.

 

After the hidden relationship came out which I feel was wrong but I tried to understand she did start opening up to me and we actually talked about the cheating which of course I could get much info because she claimed to not remember and tried to block it out. Regardless of that It really helped me and ever since then I've tried to just be a good husband try to do everything that was needed of me which I can say hasn't always been the case and Im still not perfect and still need to work on some things but I was trying.

 

I am still working on a head injury which sometimes makes it difficult for me to remember things and I have a habit of saying things to my wife that while I don't see as wrong or with intent to hurt but she doesn't like and causes her pain. Due to the fact I sometimes forget and she doesn't talk to me it has become a problem. every couple of months she would come at me with a bunch of things i have said or done that is causing her pain and unhappiness but I don't remember half of it and its a tough situation all around. But since the hidden relationship came out I've been trying to be more vocal with her and to a degree her with me.

 

I have asked many time since then is everything ok? are you happy? she would say she loves me and I would ask are you sure? is there anything I need to do?

 

The answers were always so positive and I thought we were finally moving on.

 

BUT we haven't had sex in over a year. Now I love sex and I love my wife and I think she is the most beautiful women I have ever seen but It was slowly killing me inside not being able to touch her. I have been trying to reignite that spark between us but its been hard. and she has been trying a bit as well but she is very guarded and I was still getting nothing from her. We have talked about it and its because of a mix of things. Multiple injuries, Neck, Back, and hip. and she was diagnosed with RA a few years ago and she's been going through a lot with that. And of course me. she still sees the hurtful things i have said to her and how I was acting after the cheating and having a hard time letting go. I can't blame her I did the same thing. No matter what I stood by her and was trying to be there for her but yes the lack of intimacy any intimacy was taking a toll.

 

I will note some of the things my wife says bothered her were just stupid comments I would make and she would usually just send me a roll her eyes emoji or something like that but never said to at that time it was a issue. Mostly sexual comments.... How much I like her butt or where I wanna kiss her. Few weeks ago she told me she was leaving work and she was dropping a female coworker home and I said don't forget to send pics... My intention was just to get her to laugh at me or send one of those faces because I kinda just saw it as our thing and didn't know it was causing her unhappiness. She never said anything after just sent an emoji and that was the end of it.

 

For the past 2 months I was confiding in an old friend who is female. she as all having some issues in her relationship. Her man didn't wanna touch her was calling her fat and whatever else. Most of the conversation was normal but a few times maybe 3 or 4 we said some things that should not have been said. I am asshamed to admit it but it happened and i don't know why I did I think at the time just made me feel good to be wanted. I never have touched her and really didn't want to just felt good for a bit. My wife saw one of the messages while on the computer one day and the day she left and said she's been unhappy for a long time said she doesn't want me anymore and she's not coming back.

 

That was 3 weeks ago this sunday and while she has stated a few times that maybe she will come back she has also stated that she doesn't wanna work it out. We are being civil towards each other and kids and bills and whatever and I'm still trying to be there for what she needs. I am in extreme emotional and physical pain over this and I just want my family back. I do have the kids most of the time becasue of her work schedule but when they are not here like now I can't take it. I am not someone who expresses himself often and I do try to keep things locked up but right now I can't seem to do it.

 

I will say that she has accused me of over time calling her fat which has caused her pain and that's is one thing I will deny until I die because I have never said that directly to her in the way she is describing. Usually she will be laying in bed calling herself fat and yes I may make a joke to go along with it just tog et her to give me a funny face but right after I would usually come over and tell her to stop saying that because she is beautiful or I would say yes you are PHAT (pretty hot and tempting) heard it in a move once to the same result but the words your fat and need to lose weight or anything like that have never left my mouth like that.

And this is were the issue of not saying something at the time and holding things back creates a problem my mind.

 

Im sorry that I wrote so much and ive rambled and I understand if no one repsonds. Kinda just needed a place to write it down and get it out.

[Ias61489]

Also I think because of everything she is going through I think it adds to the feelings she has towards me. Maybe its not true but between injuries and diseases and just life in general I think maybe it magnifies things and feelings towards me. Maybe Im wrong but I hope Im not.

 

Some of her coworkers say horrible things about her and other women there sexual comments and in some cases there is one or 2 of the guys that comments on her medical status. Making fun of her issues and the fact that she has a handicap parking permit because of it. She has talked to many people about it and then it gets better then they start up again. Next step is to go above someone but either way I think that adds to it and that's not something I can control or that I see as my fault. Its something that angers me and something I wanna be there to help her with.

[Ias61489]

I was thinking of going to seeing someone. I actually suggested that maybe we go together but she shot down that idea. She said she doesn't think it would help.

 

She is staying at her moms and mostly i have the kids. Her mom only lives 10 minutes away. My wife works at 8am and has an hour commute so for the most part they stay with me. Our little girl stays with me besides when she is off the next day or on fridays she's takes them overnight. I have picked them up the next day on saturday today being the first day I haven't. She keeps them on saturday night and sunday since she doesn't work on sunday.

 

The boys sometimes will stay with her on a week day because they can get the bus from her house.

 

I am actually on workers comp and have been for 6 years. One of the reasons I think our relationship progressed so quickly. She makes a lot more than me. I was a stay at home dad and took care of the kids. The work situation will change for me eventually get ore complicated since she's gone I'm sure.

 

After writing that whole thing out I was having a hard time so I called her at work. We spoke for over an hour mostly about kids and the coworkers that have been saying things. Little bit about us but not much I said i would prefer to do it in person.

 

If you read all that thank you. Didn't really expect anyone too just wanted to get it out i guess

Edited October 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[schlumpy]

You have to see a lawyer and find out what your options are. Do not take your own advice or make a decision based on your feelings. You have been doing exactly that since you met this woman and now you are in up to your neck. Listen to the lawyer instead.

 

Do not listen to your wife. She does not have your interest at heart.

 

The only way this is your fault is that you opened your heart and life to someone who used you. That is where your fault lies and that is what you will need to correct.

 

Is the baby she got pregnant with yours or someone else's? I didn't get a clear read on that from your writings. If you aren't sure, then check the DNA.

 

No more wanting to be there for her when she could give a damn about you. Please stop that and start saving yourself.

 

She has already maneuvered you into a very bad legal and financial position.

[Ias61489]

The baby is mine without a doubt. and yes I have considered that as well. I am still hopeful we will works things out but isn't everybody at this stage?

The little bit we did talk about us was about debts and her car. The car we got her last year is unable to accommodate 2 boosters and the one car seat that we need so she said she was considering getting something else. we bought her a new small suv last year. When I mentioned we need to talk about bills and and things like that she said she thought about taking the savings account and paying our mutual debts off. Credit cards and a small loan that was against savings account.

 

Then she said we would just do everything serrate but she did not mention child support and I believe long term that would become an issue given she makes a lot more then me but I will most likely have the kids more. Its early yet and I do hope to keep everything civil but I also will not be pushed over.

Edited October 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Ias61489]

What sucks is a lot of the debt that we have just happened. Most of the credit cards and such were paid off but we took a trip to Disney in august and while a lot of the stuff was already paid for we under estimated how much it would be while we were there.

[Ias61489]

I understand what your saying. Honestly the only things that have an impact on my is my continuing workers comp case that I would like to end, worrying about my wife and her illness and injuries and whatever she was going through.

 

Just wish she spoke to me more about the little things i did that annoyed or upset her. Cant acknowledge and mend what I don't know about.

 

And of course the lack of intimacy was an issue.

 

Im gonna consider going to see someone to talk. Usually things don't bother me to much tbh right now just not having my family together is more then id like to admit.

[Ias61489]

I agree with you . At first she was in pain because of her tear in her hip so I wasn't trying to be understanding then time went on and we found something to help her and nothing got better. We will see how things progress i suppose.

Thank you for you input and advice.

 

I am going to try focus on me as best I can.

Edited October 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[FMW]

I'll second the advice about finding a counselor/therapist and also consulting with a divorce attorney to find out what you can expect and to make sure things are handled fairly if the divorce happens.

 

It's great that you're taking responsibility for your part of the problems, but don't give her a break on her share. Infidelity is a huge thing to try to overcome in a relationship, and it includes not only the sexual encounter with her coworker but also her secretly sharing personal information and "bonding" in non-sexual ways with someone else, whether he seems elderly and harmless or not.

[Ias61489]

Thank you for you input. Im def going to search out for someone to talk to. I will hold off on a lawyer for now until i see how things are going to go but I won't count it out.

 

I am trying my best to admit all my faults now that everything is out there. I am a little upset that she just let and talked to other people instead of me like i did with here when I had an issue but that's life I guess. The relationship between her and the man she was sharing things with upset me but i tried to be understanding. Im sure she is doing it again now that she is gone. To her credit while she has said she's not sure if we can work things out she has sat and heard me out and given me some feedback, either way still good I believe no matter what the outcome.

 

Sorry I'm rambling. Feels good to just get things out. I will be looking into a counselor/therapist soon. Thank you for all the advice.

Edited October 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Ias61489]

No. My wife takes a few meds for RA and vitamins but nothing like that. Only thing I take is Ibuprofen or tylenol. I try to avoid medications when possible.

Edited October 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Mr. Lucky]

OP, don’t think your wife is a bad person, though she’s certainly done some regrettable things. But it would appear she’s never been invested in the relationship to the same degree you’ve been.

 

To a single mother of two, you were probably a great catch. But being a stable co-parent and provider isn’t the same as being the subject of romantic feelings, as her infidelity and lack of sexual interest indicate. Add in your disability and it becomes a difficult mix.

 

You’ve gotten good advice. If she won’t engage or commit to counseling, not much you can do. And regardless of what she or anyone else will tell you regarding the purpose of separation, in reality it’s prep for ending the marriage.

 

So as she’s getting her ducks in a row, so should you. Don’t foreclose any options, but be realistic and prepared for the most probable outcome. Sorry you find yourself here, keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

Unfortunately, your marriage started on faulty ground. It is hard to recover from that, but to do so, you both need to be "all in." I agree that you should seek counseling. Marriage counseling would be best if you hope to work on the relationship. She should be willing to go with you, given the mistakes she has made that have contributed to your current situation. If she won't go, then you can only do what's best for you. Do not take all of the blame yourself.

[Ias61489]

I don't think wither of us are bad just made a few mistakes along the way. I think for both of us this relationship as been a challenge but I would still like to continue and grow but we will see what happens.

 

I will seek someone out to talk to for myself and maybe we can go together to either rebuild or have some closure and get everything out with a neutral party. Either way It should be good. If she chooses not to go then as it been said nothing I can do.

 

I blamed myself when she left of course I'm sure most people would and I still do for my part of the talking to another girl which I shouldn't have done. We all make mistakes but I do see that she has a part in this aswell. Someone as said 50/50 and I agree.

 

Thank you for all the advice. It was nice to be able to let it all out and get some responses. I will keep updating as time goes on.

[Ias61489]

We have both agreed to see someone. She is not ready to go together so we will do separate but talk to the same person then see if we can go together.

 

Nice thing is its covers through her jobs EAP so we can get 12 sessions for each thing.

 

We have talked a bit well more then we have been and she as acknowledged some of her faults like not talking to me about issues no matter how small but still doesn't see how talking to the older guy about our relationship is an issue. umoung a few other things. But she has been listening to what I have to say and ive been doing the same.

 

She told me some of the comments that i have made that she didn't like and i really do believe they were taken out of context because most of the time we were just going back and forth messing around. I think some of it she taking to seriously or as ive said before letting other things in her life that are causing her pain leech out towards me so things I may say or do take a bigger toll on her.

 

I haven't been the best husband but I have been there for her no matter what. I need to do better with taking care of things at home but she needs to acknowledge het part in this.

[Mr. Lucky]

She told me some of the comments that i have made that she didn't like and i really do believe they were taken out of context because most of the time we were just going back and forth messing around. I think some of it she taking to seriously or as ive said before letting other things in her life that are causing her pain leech out towards me so things I may say or do take a bigger toll on her.

 

When someone is checked out and deciding to leave, they have a tendency to revise history to support their intentions. You should understand she's looking at a lot of this now from a different point of view, one not necessarily cushioned by love and respect for you. Be careful of buying into this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Peacemaker1]

It is definitely important to have someone to talk with and available for you since anyone in your situation would need constant advice. Consider talking to a pastor from a nearby church as well. I did and was surprised at how much wisdom they can share. He was readily available if I can’t find someone to talk to and it is not in a clinical environment, so I was more relaxed with the counseling. Plus its free. This does not replace the professional counseling and the lawyer, of course, but the added perspective might help you.

[Ias61489]

It is definitely important to have someone to talk with and available for you since anyone in your situation would need constant advice. Consider talking to a pastor from a nearby church as well. I did and was surprised at how much wisdom they can share. He was readily available if I can’t find someone to talk to and it is not in a clinical environment, so I was more relaxed with the counseling. Plus its free. This does not replace the professional counseling and the lawyer, of course, but the added perspective might help you.

 

I'm not big into religion but i will consider it. Just posting here has given me some good advice and some validation that it isn't all my fault. Not that I thought it was but of course when she left because of those messages I felt horrible. Still do to a degree but not because I think its all my fault just because I do miss her and I'm sure I will for awhile.

 

Was late today to get my daughter from school because of a miscommunication between her and I. She had a dr appt but for some reason i thought it was later. I will note we both agreed I should have doubled checked given my memory but she also said she should have reminded me. Both said sorry and moved on. Jut wouldn't have happened if she was still home. Its an adjustment.

 

Haven't spoken to lawyer yet but I'm working up the strength to do it. I have the Social worker info and working on making that call also. Easier on the internet i suppose.

[Mr. Lucky]

Haven't spoken to lawyer yet but I'm working up the strength to do it.

 

Many divorce attorneys will give you a free 30-minute consultation, just so you can understand the process and your options. Might be a good way to get your feet wet, no cost or risk...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ias61489]

Well I made an appt with a lawyer but of course have to change it because I forgot kids are off from school and my wife has to get a medical procedure done so won't be taking the kids tonight.

 

I also started seeing a social worker.. alone but im going. First time was last week.

 

I haven't spoken to her about getting back together but I have expressed feelings on trying to get some better communication with us and see how it goes. I mean she's already gone whats it gonna hurt.

 

I also did something stupid so now I believe she may be seeing someone else or at least talking to someone more then just a friend. I actually went as far as finding out who it is so now im just angry and confused really.

 

The thing thats making this tougher is alot of other things going on in my life and it feels like my life is falling apart and for once Im not sure what to do. I did speak to my wife about some of them because i think they affect us both and she did take the call and talk to me but then of course a day or 2 later just got nasty with me and said she was just being nice by taking the call... I told her dont pick up or text me back if she doesn't wanna talk dont turn around and blame me for it.

 

Not that anyone cares but at the moment I am being investigated for a crime I did not commit which could lead to years in prison. All the lawyers I spoke to said based on the way the cop worded things to me I should expect to need them.

 

The place I live in is going to be sold within a year and considering my income and that my wife is gone for now that is very stressful. Its owned by my grandfather and he's moving down south, And the alleged crime was something stolen from his house so its made things a little strained as well.

 

I have a fight coming up for my workers comp benefits at lest I have a good lawyer bit still stressful

 

My mother who is bi polar is currently going through a manic episode and just sucks because i have to help her pick up the pieces when it's over. She may be moving back to ireland soon too which has its ups and downs of course.

[Ias61489]

Theres more of course but those are the larger things oh and besides the fallout from being separated and if/when a divorce happens. That will be fun im sure.

[schlumpy]

AT least you now understand your wife's behavior which has nothing to do with you.

 

Sort though your problems one-by-one, cut the deadwood away (like your wife) and hope for the best. It's survival time. If you have never considered religion before, I think now might be the time to do so.

[Ias61489]

Heres a question...

 

Well first thing is yes I still want her back but I'm not blinded by it the situation has to be right and we have to have some open communication.

 

Anyway as ive mentioned the reason she left was because I said some things to a girl that I shouldn't have. IMO it took me a year of no sex to do that which doesn't validate it but still that's a long time.

 

Now the thing the is with regards to those conversations they were one sided. As in I said things (thing that i wanted to say to my wife without being told to stop) and the girl on the other end didn't say anything back. It was more of a venting situation for me and even she said that. She just let me doit because She knew I was frustrated in many ways and the end of the conversation always ended with me saying something to the effect imhorrible and I shouldn't be saying those things to you and she would say im just frustrated and i need to tell he that and try get her to open up to me.

 

The whole thing would last maybe for 5 minutes and within a 4 moth period happened 4 or 5 times.

 

Does that matter? Is that something I should consider sharing with her? If she would believe me that is or maybe share that fact with the social worker Im seeing to get his opinion?

 

Be gentle! Thank you

[Ias61489]

So she is capable of going to work but not capable of having sex with you?

 

Is that right?

 

Or is it that she IS capable of having sex but chooses not to?

 

Please clarify?

 

Thats a good question. I will say that she pushes herself to go to work and she suffers for it. I can't stand it and ive been trying to get her out of that job... To the point of harassment but I can't seeing her go through what she goes through.

 

After the birth of our daughter the sex became less but she put in an effort but it started becoming less and less as her RA became worse and hen she hurt her hip and lower back. She was out from work for awhile because of it and forced herself back to work because the case wasn't getting approved from comp ( Federal comp different then state comp)

 

Now about i would say may or June of 2018 it stopped completely. There was one time where it almost happened but my middle child woke up screaming like clockwork. She said she had no desire to have sex. I asked her if that was just with me and she said with anyone.

 

I was trying to be a good supportive husband through everything but at times I was having hard time and im sure i said things I shouldn't have. (is she ****ing someone at work etc etc) I tried my best to show her support and get her to work with me on to which she said she was trying.

 

Fast forward to I think maybe june of 2019 and I found out about the texting relationship with the older guy... I dont believe anything sexual but still hurt but I tried to be understanding as much as I could. She said she was unhappy etc etc

 

From that point on she gets a bit more touchy but that only lasted so long. I was constantly asking if she was ok and if she was happy etc etc to which she said yes. Now come to find out that wasn't exactly the case and when she saw one of the messages she left sad said she's been unhappy for awhile etc etc....

 

I even asked many times over the course of things if she was happy and everything was ok... Before major purchases as well like my car in march of 2018, her car, trip to Disney, **** even before I bought a new phone while we were in florida... Didn't wanna dig more into debt if things weren't going well.

 

FYI i even told her if she was having feelings for someone else just to tell me and I would be ok and we could see what needs to be done to make her happy. I think I was pretty damn understanding.

[Ias61489]

Stop being so gosh damn understanding!

 

File for divorce and make her pay YOU child support for three kids!

 

Stop being too nice! She isn’t being a decent wife/mother! Make her pay if she intends to leave the marriage! To which she has already left...

 

She is walking ALL over you. Stop being her doormat!

 

I know I know! Im trying to not be so understanding anymore but its tough given my feelings for her. She is still supporting me financially for now so thats more then child support would be but if that changes I will file for that right away.

 

Basically everything we buy or bills go on credit cards and we just pay them when the money comes in mine and hers besides car payments those come from bank because its the same bank for the loan. she still transfers the majority of her check in the joint account for everything and rest goes into savings. If she stopped doing that I would be very screwed. With the child support it would be ok jut not as good as it is now.

 

If she gets nasty I will go there.

 

She has defiantly started some retail therapy (like her mother does) and is spending alot. I mentioned it to her and she said she would watch what she spends but said everything was needed... Clothes for our older son is all I agree with because he's growing like a weed! besides if she buys food for herself. Spending double on food for two houses doesn't help.

 

I was hoping that if we could keep it civil even if we dont get back together we could figure out a way to live together for the benefit of the family and kids. Ive read some things about it called parenting marriage. Some people do it considering circumstances of the family and have read some success stories.

 

Could just be a pipe dream. I know its hard to get the whole picture from just act ive said and yes i do see how she has treated me is not the best andnither of I but I dont think it was on purpose I think she's having lot of trouble personally and I have been the best but at least Ive always tried and want to continue to but need her to participate.

 

I am defiantly not to blame for everything going on here and I see that now. someone told me it takes 2 people to create and 2 people to destroy a relationship. At least im wiling to accept my faults and want to work on them.

More then I can say for her.