Wife moved out

[schlumpy]

Do you remember the Iraq war? Saddam Hussein just sat there and shouted invectives at the allies as they took their time and built up an invasion force right outside his front door. Right where he could look out the window and see it growing. Once the force was complete they swept through with overwhelming force.

 

In my opinion this is what happening to you. You will not take the initiative to challenge or change the status quo cause it's comfortable right now and you are entertaining the fantasy where if you wait it out she will change her mind. Meanwhile you are giving your wayward spouse all the time she needs to plot a gang buster of an exit.

 

When she pulls the rug out from under you it's going to be a long way to the bottom.

 

I'm so sorry that you can't contain your emotions. Everyone has that problem at some point in their life but you have children to think of and right now you are just using them as an excuse to stay right where you are.

[Ias61489]

So you have completely left yourself at the mercy of her putting the money she earns into the account to pay for your household obligations...?

 

That’s not ideal. She could change her mind at any time - leaving you very vulnerable.

 

Go to court and get it in writing- a court order based on a separation.

 

She’s abandoned your family. That’s not a nice woman and not a good Mother.

 

I hope your kids aren’t left wondering why Mom left them.

 

You need to explain to them it’s not anything they have done!

 

Explainto then that Mom is being selfish and self centered. That’s the truth.

 

 

While I agree she has been a less then ideal wife and still dont think the recent things have been on purpose I do think Its time for me to get moving.

 

I am trying to get moving on filing for divorce and all the other arrangements. I can file for custody and Child support in this state without going through divorce and legal separation. The legal separation is something we have to write up and file and she would never agree to it im sure so i have to let a judge do it.

 

The one thing i will say is while yes I feel she has abandoned me (and I have told her this) she has not done the same to her kids. Yes she doesn't see them much because she isn't here but every free moment she has they are with her if even just for the evening. She's even been leaving work early some days just to see them. It hits her just as hard when they arnt with her as it does when they arnt with me.

 

Since everyone in her moms house is gone by 8am the 2 boys have to stay with me since they get dropped off at school between 820 and 845. She has figured out a way for them to stay over more on school nights by getting picked up from her moms private school on the bus..

 

Yes one of my first thoughts was is she gonna use this to try pay less child support if it comes to it... But I would still have them more either way and I will still have our daughter the same amount of time since she only does half days of school.

 

Im trying to defend her as a whole anymore but in terms of her kids she didn't just leave and now doesn't see them. I would have preferred she worked with me and stayed here no matter what the end game was but apparently Im so bad she cant be here..... I do disagree with that. When it comes to her feelings on me I do feel Im getting the short end of the stick.

 

The 2 main friends she talks to about me are her best friend who has been with the same man since high school and was gonna leave him until she got pregnant and you should hear the **** he pulls!

 

and the other is s 47 year old coworker (women) who is divorced gets $4K in alimony and uses the majority of it to live in a more expensive county instead of going 15 minutes up the road and getting a similar rental for half the price smh

Not to mention is now living with a coworker she's engaged to... after a year together.

 

I dont think a bitter divorced women is the best person to get marriage advice from!

 

I know im not moving fast but this is my first marriage and first time ive felt like this about someone and with everything else going on i feel lost. this is her first real long term relationship aswell I guess she wasn't ready.. for what it entails. Its a shame

[Ias61489]

Do you remember the Iraq war? Saddam Hussein just sat there and shouted invectives at the allies as they took their time and built up an invasion force right outside his front door. Right where he could look out the window and see it growing. Once the force was complete they swept through with overwhelming force.

 

In my opinion this is what happening to you. You will not take the initiative to challenge or change the status quo cause it's comfortable right now and you are entertaining the fantasy where if you wait it out she will change her mind. Meanwhile you are giving your wayward spouse all the time she needs to plot a gang buster of an exit.

 

When she pulls the rug out from under you it's going to be a long way to the bottom.

 

I'm so sorry that you can't contain your emotions. Everyone has that problem at some point in their life but you have children to think of and right now you are just using them as an excuse to stay right where you are.

 

 

I know I know and yes im having trouble with my emotions towards her and in general and i think thats because of everything else I have going on at the moment. One thing after another.

 

I note that while she makes more I do have access to a large amount of money belonging to my mother if needed and I have gotten my credit pretty decent (and hers). I have about 50k in available credit limits. While I dont wanna use it its there if I need it if she decided to just stop helping me.

 

Im def working on it.

 

Believe it or not she actually is very kind and caring I just dont think she knows how to handle a long term relationship very well and what it entails. The ongoing support and communication needed. I do but I guess it wasn't enough.

 

I told her I think she created most of her own stress anxiety by holding so much in and not talking to me and she didn't like that haha But Its def true in my eyes

[Mr. Lucky]

The 2 main friends she talks to about me are her best friend who has been with the same man since high school and was gonna leave him until she got pregnant and you should hear the **** he pulls!

 

and the other is s 47 year old coworker (women) who is divorced gets $4K in alimony and uses the majority of it to live in a more expensive county instead of going 15 minutes up the road and getting a similar rental for half the price smh

Not to mention is now living with a coworker she's engaged to... after a year together.

 

I dont think a bitter divorced women is the best person to get marriage advice from!

 

While it's convenient to try to pin this on someone else, no outside influence made your wife bail on your marriage and family. She's clearly acting on her own free will and obviously has a specific agenda, one she failed to share with you.

 

Stay strong, lots on your plate...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ias61489]

While it's convenient to try to pin this on someone else, no outside influence made your wife bail on your marriage and family. She's clearly acting on her own free will and obviously has a specific agenda, one she failed to share with you.

 

Stay strong, lots on your plate...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Im trying but its hard.

 

And I'm sorry I didn't mean to make it sound like they are the reason she left I just meant those are the 2 people she talks to the most about everything and now thats she's gone is gonna take their advice. Of course doesn't help so only tells certain details.

 

Im just trying to keep it together. Just had a rough hour myself the details of which are embarrassing to me. I want to share and get it out but i also dont.

[Mr. Lucky]

Just had a rough hour myself the details of which are embarrassing to me. I want to share and get it out but i also dont.

 

You cried? Chugged tequila like it was bottled water? Curled up in the corner in a fetal position? Parked outside her house? Played every sappy song ever recorded?

 

My friend, I'm sure I'm not alone when I say "been there, done that". It's a process and the progress is incremental. Don't beat yourself up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[schlumpy]

Do you have any family members or good friends that can ease this burden you carry by taking care of some to he details?

 

A shoulder to cry on is all well and good but someone that will come over once in a while to help with the kids, clean the house and do the dishes can be a real stress reliever.

[Ias61489]

You cried? Chugged tequila like it was bottled water? Curled up in the corner in a fetal position? Parked outside her house? Played every sappy song ever recorded?

 

My friend, I'm sure I'm not alone when I say "been there, done that". It's a process and the progress is incremental. Don't beat yourself up...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It was a trifecta.. Crying anger and then anxiety.

 

I'm trying not to. Wish she just didn't come off to me so cold though. Learned she's now taking Xanax so while she's hiding her pain from me guess she's got some.

 

Thank you

[Ias61489]

Do you have any family members or good friends that can ease this burden you carry by taking care of some to he details?

 

A shoulder to cry on is all well and good but someone that will come over once in a while to help with the kids, clean the house and do the dishes can be a real stress reliever.

 

 

All I have is my mother. She does live above me but she's got her own stuff going on between her bi polar and the holidays are tough since my step father past. His birthday is also on dec 1st. She's getting ready to leave for Ireland for a month to help her dad.

 

She was gonna stay but I told her to go.

 

My dad is an hour and half away although he offered to come out if i need help..

I like to keep to myself most of the time. On here its easier to just type and let it out.

 

I did tell my wife that i need help with the kids clothes at the very least because alot of it has to be gone through and when it comes to our daughters clothes there's so much and Im not good at the matching outfits and all that.

 

I did tell her I feel she abandoned the family as a whole and she just responded that she didn't abandon her family she's still a good mother... She didn't really like that I said that.

 

I did clarify and say I mean us all together.

[spiritedaway2003]

I did tell her I feel she abandoned the family as a whole and she just responded that she didn't abandon her family she's still a good mother... She didn't really like that I said that. I did clarify and say I mean us all together.

 

Just a note about abandonment: By your own admission, she's trying to stay involved in her kids lives. It's unfortunate that you both are struggling with your relationship, but it seems that she is working to keep things together for the kids. I don't know if you are just trying guilt trip her into staying or if you really just don't see it, but it's two separate things. Don't conflate your relationship with her with that those of kids. Even if things don't work out between you too, don't make the kids feel like she's abandoned them. It seems like she is trying to still be a good mother. You may feel abandoned by her, but at some point you have to see it for what it is. It's a relationship that is making neither of you very happy.

 

From an outsider's perspective, it seems that neither of you made a lot of progress to get to the source of the unhappiness. I didn't catch up on all the subsequent responses, but have you both gone to some professional counseling together when you had the issues last year? If she has completely checked out, there isn't much you can do. It takes two to make things work. It also sounds like you are financially dependent on her. If so, be sure to start focusing on getting your finances in order, to protect yourself from the fallout.

 

I'm sorry for the pain and that you're all hurting.

[Ias61489]

Just a note about abandonment: By your own admission, she's trying to stay involved in her kids lives. It's unfortunate that you both are struggling with your relationship, but it seems that she is working to keep things together for the kids. I don't know if you are just trying guilt trip her into staying or if you really just don't see it, but it's two separate things. Don't conflate your relationship with her with that those of kids. Even if things don't work out between you too, don't make the kids feel like she's abandoned them. It seems like she is trying to still be a good mother. You may feel abandoned by her, but at some point you have to see it for what it is. It's a relationship that is making neither of you very happy.

 

From an outsider's perspective, it seems that neither of you made a lot of progress to get to the source of the unhappiness. I didn't catch up on all the subsequent responses, but have you both gone to some professional counseling together when you had the issues last year? If she has completely checked out, there isn't much you can do. It takes two to make things work. It also sounds like you are financially dependent on her. If so, be sure to start focusing on getting your finances in order, to protect yourself from the fallout.

 

I'm sorry for the pain and that you're all hurting.

 

Your right i feel abandoned but I should keep it focused on me and not the family. Yes she is still involved in the kids lives but at times I do feel like now Its just i get them most of the time and she just takes the, when convenient. Maybe thats because most of the time I have them with me and she's out with people and making seem as she's having a good time.... Gives me those feelings as thats what im gonna be doing from now on.

 

I would never say anything negative about her to the kids and they are to young to understand whats going on anyway. Its tough on them as well the back and forth but they love their grandmothers house anyway and always wanna be there even before she left.

She did get a little nasty with me the other day and said the kids dont wanna be here with me they wanna be there which I felt was her just putting her anger on me.

 

She has been very cold and nasty to me since leaving and its a hard thing to swallow considering not to long ago she was hugging/kissing telling me she loved me.

 

I have been trying my best to talk to her and have her help me understand what she needs and I think I've been doing a good job. Im not perfect and i dont always say the right things but I have been trying. Even as far texting with her about things instead of talking in person since its easier for her. She had said she would open up to me more about her feelings and things that were getting to her and ive been asking her about her feelings but she said everything was good but she was just holding it all in.

 

Due to my head injury I forget things alot but she doesn't talk to me either which doesn't help.

 

The only thing i have been unhappy with on our relationship be really is the lack of communication which I feel I have been working on myself and the lack of intimacy but I was trying to be understanding between injuries, auto immune disease and her trouble with opening up. She has said I pushed to hard in getting her to be intimate and pushed to hard in terms of her trying to make a career change since I believe that job is to hard on her given al the medical issues. I was trying to let up on those things but guess I didn't do a good enough job.

 

I had thought about the counseling the first time she unleashed all the feelings she had and said she that she was unhappy. She had agreed to talk to me more and it seemed like she was trying. i regret not pushing for it now. She seems to share better with other people and It confuses me and makes me wonder what I dont have.

 

She has accused me of manipulating her into staying because I said I would work on the things that I did that bothered her but she was supposed to try communicate better because its hard for me to catch everything im doing but I really have tried.

 

She has posting alot of memes lately and one that got to me recently was "an apology without change is manipulation" I have never tried to manipulate her in any way so hurts to thing she thinks that. I told her I have a hard time understanding everything she comes at with me with at one time. It was always alot and I told her I needed her help working on with her talking to me.

 

Yes at the moment she makes alot more money than me. Because of choices we have made together my/our financial obligations are very high and by myself its too much. (example: my car $500 a month) When we started hanging out she was working for the post office and had to leave because her she couldn't afford to keep sending 2 kids to daycare and her mom didn't wanna watch them after they got out until she got home. She went into a retail job. When things were a bit more serious with us we talked about it and she returned there and I watched the kids while she worked 60-70 hours a week and built her career. Lately Ive been feeling like that means more to her now then Our relationship does. She didn't like it when I said that.

 

Mix that in with the fact when things were strained she started started talking to another guy about our relationship and then they hooked up, While it was a very brief encounter she still tried to hide it and I found out because I can tell when people are lying to me. Tried to move on without talking about it since she was injured and in pain. Big mistake. She ended up being out many times over the years and to me my issues came back anytime she went back and one time she went back the guy ended up being there fo a few months before moving on to another office again. She did tell me but still it got to me.

 

When I started talking to my old friend about things since she wouldn't talk to me I didn't intend for it to get where it went. The only thing I can say is that I was the only one staying stuff and she was just letting me do it. She said it after the fact that she just took as me venting and did think I had any feelings for her (which I dont) and not sure if it really matters but I only did that after about a year or maybe even closer to a year and half of no sex. Not saying it makes it right just saying I think I was pretty understanding and tried my best to work with her. and now im just typing to much again

[Ias61489]

Also doesn't help I think she might be sleeping with someone else already.. Little quick to me or maybe it was happening already idk. I dont thinks so based on the phone records which yes I got mad and checked....

 

I even did some digging and found out who it is and not sure if I should be more angry or confused.

[Ias61489]

She left the relationship. She made that crystal clear when she moved.

 

You need to accept that she is done and moving on.

 

You need actions that support its over on YOUR end as well.

 

 

And yes, very likely she’s been interested in someone since she stopped having sex with you.

 

Good reason to file for D and obtain regular support money from her!

 

The person I found she is talking to only started texting recently but he is a coworker... The sex i think is part of many reasons more recently being me of course. Its hurts but thats life. when the time comes for divorce medication... Read some good things about it and even a paralegal who was very nice at a law office suggested it first. Surprising to say the least. Called them over the other legal matter and she talked to me for awhile. Very nice older lady.

[Ias61489]

Is It unfair or wrong of me to just ask my wife straight up if she's sleeping with someone else already? Its been about 2 months which I feel is a little quick to me I think id rather know then not know...

 

Don't think it was happening before based on text records... Yes I checked and it was a mistake.

[schlumpy]

Is It unfair or wrong of me to just ask my wife straight up if she's sleeping with someone else already? Its been about 2 months which I feel is a little quick to me I think id rather know then not know...

 

Don't think it was happening before based on text records... Yes I checked and it was a mistake.

 

What are you looking for as an answer? If she lies, will that help you? If she says there is no one else, will you believe it? If she says, " yes there is," will you use that as motivation to divorce?

 

Depends on whether answer helps or hurts you so think about what you want before you ask.

[Ias61489]

What are you looking for as an answer? If she lies, will that help you? If she says there is no one else, will you believe it? If she says, " yes there is," will you use that as motivation to divorce?

 

Depends on whether answer helps or hurts you so think about what you want before you ask.

 

I guess as I said id rather know then not know but I also know who she's been texting so much so I'll know f she lies about it.

 

Guess curious if she's gonna lie but if she doesn't at least wont think about if she is or not so much because Ill already have the answer.

[Ias61489]

If she gets angry or refuses to a answer I guess that kinda answers the questions anyway no?

[Ias61489]

Is It a fair question to ask though? What I mean is Is it my business if she's sleeping with someone while we are separated? Only been 2 months which I think would be fast but either way would most people ask in this situation or just leave it be?

[schlumpy]

Is It a fair question to ask though? What I mean is Is it my business if she's sleeping with someone while we are separated? Only been 2 months which I think would be fast but either way would most people ask in this situation or just leave it be?

 

She's your wife and you can ask her any question you want.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is It a fair question to ask though?

 

I'd guess she'd feel, given your separated status, it's none of your business...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ias61489]

I'd guess she'd feel, given your separated status, it's none of your business...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

And that's how she responded... Got quite nasty about it which kinda answers the question anyway... Well maybe.

 

She also stated earlier when i was talking-to her about kids and then something else that she doesn't wanna be friendly with me unless its about the kids because she's not ready to be my friend and may never be... I think thats ****ed and kinda hard to swallow when coming from a person that was to months was kissing and saying I love you...

[schlumpy]

You have to see a lawyer. There isn't anyway around it and the longer you put it off the more likely that you will suffer for it. Make sure you follow his advice.

 

If your state has adultery laws then hire a PI to get the goods on your wife's lover so you can use it as leverage during the divorce.

 

Once you find out who the lover is - out him if has a wife and if it's a coworker check and see if the company has an anti fraternization policy that you can use to get him fired.

 

The woman you thought you knew is dead and that's how you have to look at it. This is a stranger that wants to steal you children from you and she will succeed if you lay down and do nothing.

 

Find friends and family to help. You need allies.

[Ias61489]

What was a mistake?

 

I think you can ask her anything you want.

Whether or not you’ll get an honest answer is another thing.

 

But may as well ask if it’s on your mind.

 

It was mistake to check the phone records. Now its all I can think about.

Mainly because I know who it is and its a coworker and I wanna know if she's sleeping with him. Could just be a friend but the texts increased after she left me.

 

I asked she said she doesnt have to tell me anything its not my business.

[Ias61489]

You have to see a lawyer. There isn't anyway around it and the longer you put it off the more likely that you will suffer for it. Make sure you follow his advice.

 

If your state has adultery laws then hire a PI to get the goods on your wife's lover so you can use it as leverage during the divorce.

 

Once you find out who the lover is - out him if has a wife and if it's a coworker check and see if the company has an anti fraternization policy that you can use to get him fired.

 

The woman you thought you knew is dead and that's how you have to look at it. This is a stranger that wants to steal you children from you and she will succeed if you lay down and do nothing.

 

Find friends and family to help. You need allies.

 

I'm not sure he is a lover but I already know who it is and she works for the post office they don't care.

 

Ehh she needs me to watch them... She leaves he house at 645am for work and doesn't get back until 6pm so she takes them when she's off the next day. Kinda feels unfair at the moment because I get to bring them to school only get 1 full day with them a week unless she's off Saturday then I dont. her days off rotate.

 

She wants the 2 boys to stay over with her more since they can go to their grandmothers school and get picked up there for school. Cant do that with our daughter because she only guests school part time and there's no way im making it so she has to wake her up early just for me to pick her up to bring to school pick her up then bring her back later to sleep there.

 

Your probably right she's not the same person she was. While wasn't open with me and held things in she wasn't as nasty as she is now and didn't say things like she does now. I think she's getting alot of this from other people.

 

To many other people telling her she doesn't need a man and relationships come and go and to move on (Saw it on facebook )... Me I wanna fight for the people I care about and i think alot of this is solvable but if the other person doesn't wanna fight what can I do.

 

This is her first real relationship like long term deal. The rest were short and mostly just sex and partying. The only other long term one was with the boys father and it wasn't as long as this and he turned out to be a scumbag once she had the first kid.... Dont think she was ready for being with someone long term...It sucks she's actually a very nice person before all of this and she only learned how to open up to me alot of this could have been avoided..

 

And of course multiple injures and RA didn't help... And yes I have not been the perfect husband but most of my issues were caused by her lack of communication which I as trying to work on.... i'm ranting again... I think me trying to get her to open up to me was to much for her idk

[schlumpy]

The reason you rant and analyze, in my opinion, is so you can ignore what you have to do. I understand. It's a safe space but you can't afford to stay there forever. Take the step of talking to a lawyer. Get something moving that is in your favor.

 

I've very please to see you acknowledge that nothing can be done if she isn't willing. Your only real option now is to put pressure on her and the BF and see if she will crack or you can wait. Maybe she will get tired of him and miss you.

 

Seeing the lawyer should help you even if it's just to understand what your options are.

 

There is a program called the 180. You can get it if look for it on the chumpladies website. It's designed to get your head clear so you can make good decisions but it won't do it right away.