Wife moved out

[schlumpy]

It was mistake to check the phone records. Now its all I can think about.

 

It was not a mistake to check the phone records. You can't make a good decision unless you have the correct information. You certainly cannot rely on your wife to tell you the truth.

 

She is only interested now in doing what is in her favor and it's time you started thinking the same way.

 

You want to feel better? Fight back. It will probably surprise her.

[Ias61489]

The reason you rant and analyze, in my opinion, is so you can ignore what you have to do. I understand. It's a safe space but you can't afford to stay there forever. Take the step of talking to a lawyer. Get something moving that is in your favor.

 

I've very please to see you acknowledge that nothing can be done if she isn't willing. Your only real option now is to put pressure on her and the BF and see if she will crack or you can wait. Maybe she will get tired of him and miss you.

 

Seeing the lawyer should help you even if it's just to understand what your options are.

 

There is a program called the 180. You can get it if look for it on the chumpladies website. It's designed to get your head clear so you can make good decisions but it won't do it right away.

 

Its a mix of trying to ignore but also its nice to just get it out.. When I type it just flows out and she sure doesn't wanna talk to me..

 

Again not sure if she's sleeping with anyone. She has people who she is close with at her job and Since this guy is 50ish not sure anything is going on but Id like to know either way... I guess at any point I could just call him and put some gas on the fire but not at that point yet! just trying to worry about myself and the kids.

 

I will check it out thank you

[Ias61489]

Ahhhh, I see.

 

That would mean she was interested before she left you. Then she felt the freedom to contact him more often.

 

And not answering you means she’s sleeping with him.

 

She sees you as her door mat.

 

The could be true and Ive asked her before if there was since I now she's close with alot of people there. Guys and girls which happens thats part of working with people I get it bee there myself.. I know he's one of the group that she goes to lunch with so either she's hooking up with him now or he's just s good person to talk to, As I said in my last post I could always just call him and see what he says but that would be putting fuel on the fire... Probably not a good idea! I'm just trying to not think about it.

 

You could be right or she's just made at me for looking at the phone records which I would get as well.. She just said to me the other day that i think she's a whore sleeping around and that she's allowed to have friends.

 

All this because I mentioned the Guy she was texting behind my back.. I get having friends but nothing like that needs to be hidden thats how these thoughts and accusations come up In my opinion.

 

I feel like a door mat with the kids right now because I have them more but based on her work schedule and schools schedules for kids I get it also.

 

An she's still supporting me which is confusing. She said she doesn't wanna do legal separation at the moment because we would have to do custody agreements and child support in writing instead of leaving it the way it is.

 

The retail therapy she's going through right now is killing me though and I did mention it and she did listen and respond without getting nasty... about $3400 on her 1 credit card alone not including all the shared bills, and a a few things on my card because its connected to amazon account and her other credit card.

[Ias61489]

It was not a mistake to check the phone records. You can't make a good decision unless you have the correct information. You certainly cannot rely on your wife to tell you the truth.

 

She is only interested now in doing what is in her favor and it's time you started thinking the same way.

 

You want to feel better? Fight back. It will probably surprise her.

 

 

It was a mistake because it caused me Anxiety which i have enough of.. but yes you are right good to have the information to make a better choice and actually see if she's gonna tell me the truth.

 

Trying to figure out in which way I should fight or better to just get ready for it and leave things as they are for now. be prepared but not make the first move

[schlumpy]

See your doctor about obtaining an anxiety reducing medication. As long as it doesn't affect your ability to think it may be the edge you looking for.

 

I do not think that you should trust her judgement when it comes anything the affects your marriage. Whatever she suggests will be to her advantage and not to yours. Don't agree to anything until you get advice or think the action through to it's outcome.

 

And get yourself separated. That means financially also. Protect yourself. If you do it legally you have recourse.

Edited November 15, 2019 by schlumpy

[Ias61489]

See your doctor about obtaining an anxiety reducing medication. As long as it doesn't affect your ability to think it may be the edge you looking for.

 

I do not think that you should trust her judgement when it comes anything the affects your marriage. Whatever she suggests will be to her advantage and not to yours. Don't agree to anything until you get advice or think the action through to it's outcome.

 

And get yourself separated. That means financially also. Protect yourself. If you do it legally you have recourse.

 

I was thinking about it but im not big into medications. Honestly whenever I had anxiety before she usually helped me through it and it worked but i may do it now. I found out by accident that she is now taking some as well, Ive actually started talking to a social worker though unlike her..

 

Its not that im trusting her judgment we both said things should stay the same and so far this what it is but im preparing myself in case it changes suddenly. She makes more but I have more resources behind me in an emergency.

 

Ive been trying to figure out why she agreed to keep things the same finance wise and how she would benefit from not doing a legal separation. I will ask a lawyer when I speak to one.

 

Honestly I dont think she knows what she wants. She has been full of Idks and "whatever you want" about everything. I'm preparing myself for the future in case it gets nasty.. I'm not one to lie down and roll over.. Did it a bit but I thought i was being a good BF/husband and thats what you do when you love someone supposed to work it out.

[vla1120]

Ive been trying to figure out why she agreed to keep things the same finance wise and how she would benefit from not doing a legal separation. I will ask a lawyer when I speak to one.

 

She needs you to fall back on in case things do not work out for her. You would be wise to speak to a lawyer sooner rather than later. You need to protect yourself.

[Ias61489]

She needs you to fall back on in case things do not work out for her. You would be wise to speak to a lawyer sooner rather than later. You need to protect yourself.

 

 

I'm going to but in terms of the legal separation In our state we have to file it and write tout ourselves. If she wot do it there's nothing I can really do besides file for a custody agreement to put in place and child support... As of right now I still have them more but the 2 boys are now staying over2 more days overnight during the week but I dont really like the idea of the kids being split up..

 

She said she thinks the 8 year old needs therapy because he gets upset when he leaves her... I told her we need therapy not him. And in that case they all do.

 

They just dont wanna leave grandmas house because bigger years more toys bikes etc etc...

 

Im trying to decide if I want to let things go as they are and just prepare for it to change at any moment or file for the custody agreements and child support and risk turning things nasty..

[Ias61489]

Well it gotten interesting. I spoke to a lawyer today and he said basically i already knew. He said right now legal separation makes most since because its early and courts dont like it when couples jump into divorce shortly after separating unless there's other circumstances at play.

 

I spoke to her about it and now she says she wants to have the kids more... Even though she will be at work most of time smh

 

So it would be sat night to tuesday after school with her or maybe after dinner...

To top it off if she's not off monday or tuesday I would have to pick out daughter up at 7am and then bring her back once she gets off home from work at 6pm

 

Plus she wants them on her other day off which rotates. To me that seems like 50/50 or maybe a little in her favor maybe Im wrong. When I said thats 50/50 she says she wants them more which doesn't seem right to me besides trying to get lower support. She even said she doesn't think a judge would grant me 50/50... I dont see why not since im not working currently.

 

In term of support as ive said right now she transfers 1k out of her check every 2 weeks to the joint account and i pay bills with it. the cars are 520 min and 418 hers, then the rest on credit cards or other bills.

 

She said she wants to stop paying for my car and she doesn't think she should pay me that much support.... NYS says I should receive $1,112. dont think we are going to come to an agreement here so I might just file for 50/50 custody and child support. even at 50/50 I'll get that amount in support.. Im not trying to be a dick here but my bills are alot higher then hers at the moment mainly because of the 3 kids and choices we made together as a couple (car, Life insurance etc etc)

 

Dont think she was ready for this and how involved separating/divorcing is. Not just a simple breakup. Not to mention our credit card debt is high thanks to disney world! plus whats she's racked up since then!!!

 

Even without my car payment I still have rent, food, utilities, etc for 4 people. She has no rent just her car the car insurance right no is together goes on my credit card.

[Ias61489]

You’ll need to ask the court for way more than you expect to settle for in the end. IF you expect to settle for 50/50 custody go in asking for 80% timeto start with.

 

When you file paperwork - list all the expenses you have - even include haircuts and dry cleaning and car repairs etc. show your expenses as high as you can and show you don’t earn money and depend on her to pay the families bills with her salary.

 

Don’t get a job right now. You want to show no money and high expenses to the court to have her pay the highest amount possible. IF she’s on the fence - it MAY just show her what she’s done to the family unit. She shouldn’t walk away unscathed. She did this.

 

She’s agreeing to have the kids more often because she understands that is how she pays less. But spousal support should remain the same. Either way she’s manipulating you by using the kids. Do NOT help her with the kids whileSHE has them - SHE has to learn to problem solve on her own and juggle work and kids all by HERSELF! Do not do anything she asks - just tell her “it’s your day - it’s for you to figure out”.

 

Get your credit cards closed that she’s using. Get separate cards she can’t charge to your name. It’s risky that she would put a lot of charges on your card when you don’t have the income to cover all costs that are charged to those cards - stop giving her access to your credit.

 

I’d bet money she will owe you a lot in support each month - and she is scared to pay you what she will need to cough up.

 

She wants to be a walk away wife (which it looks like she is) then she can pay up!

 

She’s seeing someone - that’s why you’re seeing her buying all new clothes etc. I’d bet half that is for lingerie. Stop being her doormat. Start telling her no to everything she asks. The kids will learn you prioritize them and she prioritizes work. Don’t offer to help her - she needs to be forced to be the kids Mom!

 

Above all else - don’t talk about her in front of your kids - never a bad word about her. Remind the kids you love them.

 

I think I'm just gonna submit the custody and support paperwork to the court if she won't agree to a decent number in support. Theres no reason she needs the kids more when she won't even be there. Its just a play to get the support lower.

 

All my expenses are quite high regardless and she said yesterday she's not responsible for my bills anymore... guess she's doesn't understand how a marriage works!

 

I'm on workers comp no one is hiring me... even if I did i would still make less. for some reason she thinks when im working ill magically make more then her and she wont have to pay support to me.

 

I'm going to let them all go over sat night but after that Im gonna tell her its not working and see how she reacts. She gets them saturday night anyway so not sure how i could top her form keeping them longer without a court order.

 

All the money she spent on cars was on her card... She spent maybe $100 on mine but told me each time so it wasn't a surprise.. The debt will be split either way since we arnt legally separated or divorced.

 

The support will be or should be $1,112 for the 3 kids.. thats why she wants more custody! As of right now she's been pretty much giving me $1,020 and then one of my checks gets split between 2 of our credit cards that we use everyday. So I would put maybe $230 on one of her cars.... so she is paying me $790

 

Ehh no stuff like that most of the clothes are for the kids and she bought some addias sweatpants for herself for $16 on clearance. She told me for some reason. but yes I do think she is sleeping with someone mainly because she wont talk to me about it. 1 day she is nice to me and even though she says she's doesn't wanna be friendly she talks to me normal about all kinds of things the next day im the bad guy again and she gets nasty with me...

 

Gonna see about getting the court before the end of the week.

 

I would never talk bad bout her in front of them or to them...Only thing I say to them is when they say to me they want mommy to come back to daddies house and I say me too

[Ias61489]

Spoke another lawyer and he said it makes more since to just file for divorce now.

 

He said it makes more since because If I file custody and support separate it will go to family court and then If I file for divorce it will go to supreme court.

 

It will cost more and drag things out more.

 

Usually i would suspect a lawyer of wanting it to cost more but he has good reviews and seems like he was being genuine. The lawyer that suggested the Legal separation wanted 3k to type it up and file this lawyer says 5k for the divorce.

 

She's become worse since the talk about legal separation has come up because of the custody and support. We arnt goin to agree so it isn't going to work.

[schlumpy]

She's become worse since the talk about legal separation has come up because of the custody and support. We arnt goin to agree so it isn't going to work.

 

It's becoming real to her. Before it was just talk and the door back home was still open. Now it's threatening to be shut and she has to make what she has going work or look the utter fool.

 

Prepare for a roller coaster of emotions on her part.

[Ias61489]

It's becoming real to her. Before it was just talk and the door back home was still open. Now it's threatening to be shut and she has to make what she has going work or look the utter fool.

 

Prepare for a roller coaster of emotions on her part.

 

I think that Roller coaster will be on both sides... She's good at hiding her emotions I was as well but lately am not. Why bother. I do miss her

[Ias61489]

If you file and get an order she HAS to pay you.

 

If you don’t she can simply stop all money coming to you - and you have no legal way of making her pay.

 

I caution you - her next pay period may leave you with none of the money she earns.

 

Get an order from the court that legally grants you money. Any other adjustments can be made later.

 

I was thinking that... I'm ready for the day it happens. I'm still trying to think about what to do... We arnt going to agree... But I really dont want to file for divorce if anything its just going to drain what savings we have... After speaking with 3 lawyers and hearing the sales pitches I know what the best option is, and what the only option is and they arn't the same.

 

Payday Is this friday... Guess Ill give you guys an update and we can all see how it goes! haha

 

She hasn't switched her cellphone or car insurance.. It could mean she's not ready to quit but not ready to talk... Or doesn't wanna show me she's ready to move on because of how i might react... She has alot of stuff here and nowhere to put it and would cause a big hassle for her. She's very stubborn and wont talk to me either way. At least civil in terms of kids.

[Ias61489]

Well She unfriended me on facebook but found out from a mutual source that she changed her last name back and put her relationship status as complicated.

 

Thats childish to me.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thats childish to me.

 

That's actually healthy for you. You need to limit your contact with her to necessary dialog regarding the kids.

 

That includes the cessation of any detective activity regarding her Facebook status and the resulting relationship implications.

 

She's not the enemy, but she's certainly no longer your friend. Time for a new headspace...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ias61489]

That's actually healthy for you. You need to limit your contact with her to necessary dialog regarding the kids.

 

That includes the cessation of any detective activity regarding her Facebook status and the resulting relationship implications.

 

She's not the enemy, but she's certainly no longer your friend. Time for a new headspace...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I guess but in terms of contact there is still lots to figure out and she won't talk to me about it. Always Tired, Doesn't feel good, Working, Spending time with kids, Or out with people. Or just says not ready to talk about it... I was just trying to figure out a legal separation agreement but she doesn't wanna deal with it..

 

The money is the issue really and she said she doesn't think I need joint custody of the kids which of course is because she doesn't wanna have to pay me much. She said she doesn't care about my expenses because their are mine and we are broken up.

 

And the usual she needs her money to get an apartment and live her life and whatever else. "I can just get a job".... Meanwhile I'm on workers comp just trying to settle with them yet even the state people who are supposed to help me find something for work said they can't given what my injury is and what my medical status is.

[Mr. Lucky]

she won't talk to me about it. Always Tired, Doesn't feel good, Working, Spending time with kids, Or out with people. Or just says not ready to talk about it...

 

This isn't something to discuss with her in terms of what she wants.

 

This is something to discuss with your lawyer in terms of what you need.

 

Ias61489, you still feel a connection to her, you'll work this out together. Except she doesn't see it the same way, she's focused solely on her needs.

 

Stop thinking like a couple and start considering what you need to move forward with your life. Right now, you two are on the same page - you're thinking about her and she's also thinking only about herself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ias61489]

On 11/27/2019 at 11:25 PM, Mr. Lucky said:

 

This isn't something to discuss with her in terms of what she wants.

 

This is something to discuss with your lawyer in terms of what you need.

 

Ias61489, you still feel a connection to her, you'll work this out together. Except she doesn't see it the same way, she's focused solely on her needs.

 

Stop thinking like a couple and start considering what you need to move forward with your life. Right now, you two are on the same page - you're thinking about her and she's also thinking only about herself...

 

Mr. Lucky

I know I know. I don't have a lawyer yet mainly because of cost but Im at the point where i shouldn't wait any longer to file. Maybe I'll just have to do it myself. Yes I was hoping this could be worked out and i still believe it can be but only if she's willing to accept her part in some of the things ive been going through and of course want to work me with me on them. 

Lately its just the same thing nice in person but nastyish on the phone/texting, Going on about custody and support. Saying she has to start paying her debts down and get her own place which is going to be tough anyway let alone after giving me support and whatever else has to be paid. 

Ill share something that happened on Dec 20th. On her way to bring the kids to me my 7 year old decided it would be a good idea to climb up and jump off a playhouse... Monkey see monkey do so my 8 year old followed... He slipped and broke his femer. She was annoyed with them because they weren't listening and also had "plans" that night after she dropped them off. 

Before it was discovered that his leg was broken she proceeded to drop them off. I told her she should bring him to the ER but she insisted he was fine (she was in a mood) I pulled up to my place and she was already there and I could tell right away is wasn't the normal just crying that he would normally do he looked scared.. He was because he knew something was wrong but she was to consumed with being annoyed and wanting to get to her plans that she didn't care to notice. 

I brought him in took his pants off and right away noticed the swollen leg and called her to come back which annoyed her some more. 

Now at that point I was f***ing pissed at her choosing to ignore her sons pain for her plans... She always bring them to at least urgent care for everything!!! I pushed that aside for the benefit of my son because it wasn't going to help anything. He ended up having to go to another hospital and spent 4 days there. 2 rods put in his leg and can't bend his knee for 3 weeks. Wheelchair bound at school for 7. 

I did mention at one point how i felt about that night but she ignored it and I didn't push it but I really need to get it out to her at some point. I'm gonna wait until he's better to do it I think. I will note i can see it in her face still how bad she feels about it but it doesn't change anything for me really. 

 

A few there things have happened during that time but ill share later if anyone cares to hear about it.

 

The thing that's killing me the most is that she insists he stays at her house during this time and while I half agree because he has a tad more room then my place its eating away at me a bit. I have went there and spent time with him of course, and have my other babies here. 

[mark clemson]

On 1/9/2020 at 11:18 AM, Ias61489 said:

I did mention at one point how i felt about that night but she ignored it and I didn't push it but I really need to get it out to her at some point. I'm gonna wait until he's better to do it I think. I will note i can see it in her face still how bad she feels about it but it doesn't change anything for me really.

Certainly don't blame you about being pissed about that. If you're going to divorce anyhow, consider venting to a friend or confidante about it instead. There's going to be enough negative feelings going around just from divorcing, no need to add fuel to the fire. As you note, she realized her mistake and feels guilty about it already.

[Ias61489]

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Certainly don't blame you about being pissed about that. If you're going to divorce anyhow, consider venting to a friend or confidante about it instead. There's going to be enough negative feelings going around just from divorcing, no need to add fuel to the fire. As you note, she realized her mistake and feels guilty about it already.

Yeah It got to me and today something she did got to me. I'm doing my best to keep myself in check and just stay calm and relaxed and just focus on my self and my kids but its not always easy. 

I have spoken to the social worker I see about it and someone else. Yes I saw it in her that she felt bad and we even slightly joked about it during his stay in the hospital. Not really a joke just made the comment that of course the one time she doesn't bring him to the ER or urgent care is the time he actually needs to go. 

Sometimes we have a some half decent conversations like we used to then with a flip of a switch she's back to being cold and down right rude. I think she's worried she's gonna actually wanna start to talk to me and she will actually see we could work this out and that would go against what other people say to her and what's in her head most of time.  

[Ias61489]

So last night she asked me if she could come in and get some papers out of the closet to which refused. Im just gonna get them and give them to her, Not that Im trying to keep her out but our daughter doesn't feel good and didn't want her to get steam when she saw her because she of course doesn't understand whats going on. 

Anyway she made the comment that she has to get all her stuff out so I said "I guess therapy is off the table then" Just to see what she would say. She said she will go for herself, which still hasn't happened of course and its been 4 months but anyway a short while after that she said something that really pissed me off so I kinda went of on her a bit which is something I really advent done this whole time. It was mild but still.

I ended up moving to the conversation of Mediation since I was looking into it just to get this done. She doesn't wanna work with me why am I gonna bother trying to hold on but that conversation didn't end well. And of course I know she doesn't wanna give me any of the savings and I'm sure isn't gonna wanna give me any of the tax return since she makes alot more then me.. and I'm not sure how taxes would wrk since once divorced I wont be filing returns until Im off Workers comp and working again. Then there's the debt. I don't think mediation is gonna work.

I'm mixed between wondering why I love her so much and want to work it out when she's gotten so cold after leaving to why am I stalling and just get it over with. 
 

[Ias61489]

Tonight I called her to discuss the life insurance and a collection call for a medical bill for our son and I mentioned that it would be smart to figure out the debts before going into divorce and it led to a slightly unpleasant conversation. 

Now I know what she wants which I kinda assumed anyway. Doesn't want joint custody, Doesn't want to pay any child support and will not give me anything else besides towards the car insurance which still goes on my card. I did ask her to switch it before it last month to which she did not, She was going to pay it in full but we both forget due to our sons broken leg. Also wont give me anything out of the savings or tax return yet still tells me I need to list my car for sale but can give me no advice on how I'm suppose to get another one. 

I don't really disagree with the car statement but I cannot afford to buy a new car cash since I have no cash and she wont give any and even though my credit is pretty decent for the time being I cannot get a loan due to low income since I cant use hers and I have many debts at the moment. She did agree to split the credit card debt but underestimated the amount of course.  

I said we might just need to let a judge figure it out since we wont be able to agree and she said we don't need a judge to decide our lives... She said we can just fill the paperwork out and file it and its done which I think it still needs to get approved by a judge but she insisted it doesn't. 

She said some other things in the phone call and I wasnt very kind at times either but I still believe I kept my composure, didn't yell or anything but she was a tad nasty. Didn't mean for the phone to go that direction especially while she was at work.

Guess I should try to figure out how to get a lawyer.

[schlumpy]

1 hour ago, Ias61489 said:

Guess I should try to figure out how to get a lawyer.

If you don't get a lawyer she is going cheat you out whatever you deserve to get. You are not in any emotional shape to deal with mediation. Do it for the kid if you can't do it for yourself.

[Ias61489]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

If you don't get a lawyer she is going cheat you out whatever you deserve to get. You are not in any emotional shape to deal with mediation. Do it for the kid if you can't do it for yourself.

 

 

I know I just have to figure out how Im gonna pay for it since all I have it credit cards right now. Funny you mention kids she said to me in that conversation that its whats best for her kids (not giving me any support and her taking them more)