Wife moved out

[Ias61489]

If she gets angry or refuses to a answer I guess that kinda answers the questions anyway no?

[Ias61489]

Is It a fair question to ask though? What I mean is Is it my business if she's sleeping with someone while we are separated? Only been 2 months which I think would be fast but either way would most people ask in this situation or just leave it be?

[schlumpy]

Is It a fair question to ask though? What I mean is Is it my business if she's sleeping with someone while we are separated? Only been 2 months which I think would be fast but either way would most people ask in this situation or just leave it be?

 

She's your wife and you can ask her any question you want.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is It a fair question to ask though?

 

I'd guess she'd feel, given your separated status, it's none of your business...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ias61489]

I'd guess she'd feel, given your separated status, it's none of your business...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

And that's how she responded... Got quite nasty about it which kinda answers the question anyway... Well maybe.

 

She also stated earlier when i was talking-to her about kids and then something else that she doesn't wanna be friendly with me unless its about the kids because she's not ready to be my friend and may never be... I think thats ****ed and kinda hard to swallow when coming from a person that was to months was kissing and saying I love you...

[S2B]

Is It unfair or wrong of me to just ask my wife straight up if she's sleeping with someone else already? Its been about 2 months which I feel is a little quick to me I think id rather know then not know...

 

Don't think it was happening before based on text records... Yes I checked and it was a mistake.

 

What was a mistake?

 

I think you can ask her anything you want.

Whether or not you’ll get an honest answer is another thing.

 

But may as well ask if it’s on your mind.

[schlumpy]

You have to see a lawyer. There isn't anyway around it and the longer you put it off the more likely that you will suffer for it. Make sure you follow his advice.

 

If your state has adultery laws then hire a PI to get the goods on your wife's lover so you can use it as leverage during the divorce.

 

Once you find out who the lover is - out him if has a wife and if it's a coworker check and see if the company has an anti fraternization policy that you can use to get him fired.

 

The woman you thought you knew is dead and that's how you have to look at it. This is a stranger that wants to steal you children from you and she will succeed if you lay down and do nothing.

 

Find friends and family to help. You need allies.

[Ias61489]

What was a mistake?

 

I think you can ask her anything you want.

Whether or not you’ll get an honest answer is another thing.

 

But may as well ask if it’s on your mind.

 

It was mistake to check the phone records. Now its all I can think about.

Mainly because I know who it is and its a coworker and I wanna know if she's sleeping with him. Could just be a friend but the texts increased after she left me.

 

I asked she said she doesnt have to tell me anything its not my business.

[Ias61489]

You have to see a lawyer. There isn't anyway around it and the longer you put it off the more likely that you will suffer for it. Make sure you follow his advice.

 

If your state has adultery laws then hire a PI to get the goods on your wife's lover so you can use it as leverage during the divorce.

 

Once you find out who the lover is - out him if has a wife and if it's a coworker check and see if the company has an anti fraternization policy that you can use to get him fired.

 

The woman you thought you knew is dead and that's how you have to look at it. This is a stranger that wants to steal you children from you and she will succeed if you lay down and do nothing.

 

Find friends and family to help. You need allies.

 

I'm not sure he is a lover but I already know who it is and she works for the post office they don't care.

 

Ehh she needs me to watch them... She leaves he house at 645am for work and doesn't get back until 6pm so she takes them when she's off the next day. Kinda feels unfair at the moment because I get to bring them to school only get 1 full day with them a week unless she's off Saturday then I dont. her days off rotate.

 

She wants the 2 boys to stay over with her more since they can go to their grandmothers school and get picked up there for school. Cant do that with our daughter because she only guests school part time and there's no way im making it so she has to wake her up early just for me to pick her up to bring to school pick her up then bring her back later to sleep there.

 

Your probably right she's not the same person she was. While wasn't open with me and held things in she wasn't as nasty as she is now and didn't say things like she does now. I think she's getting alot of this from other people.

 

To many other people telling her she doesn't need a man and relationships come and go and to move on (Saw it on facebook )... Me I wanna fight for the people I care about and i think alot of this is solvable but if the other person doesn't wanna fight what can I do.

 

This is her first real relationship like long term deal. The rest were short and mostly just sex and partying. The only other long term one was with the boys father and it wasn't as long as this and he turned out to be a scumbag once she had the first kid.... Dont think she was ready for being with someone long term...It sucks she's actually a very nice person before all of this and she only learned how to open up to me alot of this could have been avoided..

 

And of course multiple injures and RA didn't help... And yes I have not been the perfect husband but most of my issues were caused by her lack of communication which I as trying to work on.... i'm ranting again... I think me trying to get her to open up to me was to much for her idk

[schlumpy]

The reason you rant and analyze, in my opinion, is so you can ignore what you have to do. I understand. It's a safe space but you can't afford to stay there forever. Take the step of talking to a lawyer. Get something moving that is in your favor.

 

I've very please to see you acknowledge that nothing can be done if she isn't willing. Your only real option now is to put pressure on her and the BF and see if she will crack or you can wait. Maybe she will get tired of him and miss you.

 

Seeing the lawyer should help you even if it's just to understand what your options are.

 

There is a program called the 180. You can get it if look for it on the chumpladies website. It's designed to get your head clear so you can make good decisions but it won't do it right away.

[S2B]

It was mistake to check the phone records. Now its all I can think about.

Mainly because I know who it is and its a coworker and I wanna know if she's sleeping with him. Could just be a friend but the texts increased after she left me.

 

I asked she said she doesnt have to tell me anything its not my business.

 

Ahhhh, I see.

 

That would mean she was interested before she left you. Then she felt the freedom to contact him more often.

 

And not answering you means she’s sleeping with him.

 

She sees you as her door mat.

[schlumpy]

It was mistake to check the phone records. Now its all I can think about.

 

It was not a mistake to check the phone records. You can't make a good decision unless you have the correct information. You certainly cannot rely on your wife to tell you the truth.

 

She is only interested now in doing what is in her favor and it's time you started thinking the same way.

 

You want to feel better? Fight back. It will probably surprise her.

[Ias61489]

The reason you rant and analyze, in my opinion, is so you can ignore what you have to do. I understand. It's a safe space but you can't afford to stay there forever. Take the step of talking to a lawyer. Get something moving that is in your favor.

 

I've very please to see you acknowledge that nothing can be done if she isn't willing. Your only real option now is to put pressure on her and the BF and see if she will crack or you can wait. Maybe she will get tired of him and miss you.

 

Seeing the lawyer should help you even if it's just to understand what your options are.

 

There is a program called the 180. You can get it if look for it on the chumpladies website. It's designed to get your head clear so you can make good decisions but it won't do it right away.

 

Its a mix of trying to ignore but also its nice to just get it out.. When I type it just flows out and she sure doesn't wanna talk to me..

 

Again not sure if she's sleeping with anyone. She has people who she is close with at her job and Since this guy is 50ish not sure anything is going on but Id like to know either way... I guess at any point I could just call him and put some gas on the fire but not at that point yet! just trying to worry about myself and the kids.

 

I will check it out thank you

[Ias61489]

Ahhhh, I see.

 

That would mean she was interested before she left you. Then she felt the freedom to contact him more often.

 

And not answering you means she’s sleeping with him.

 

She sees you as her door mat.

 

The could be true and Ive asked her before if there was since I now she's close with alot of people there. Guys and girls which happens thats part of working with people I get it bee there myself.. I know he's one of the group that she goes to lunch with so either she's hooking up with him now or he's just s good person to talk to, As I said in my last post I could always just call him and see what he says but that would be putting fuel on the fire... Probably not a good idea! I'm just trying to not think about it.

 

You could be right or she's just made at me for looking at the phone records which I would get as well.. She just said to me the other day that i think she's a whore sleeping around and that she's allowed to have friends.

 

All this because I mentioned the Guy she was texting behind my back.. I get having friends but nothing like that needs to be hidden thats how these thoughts and accusations come up In my opinion.

 

I feel like a door mat with the kids right now because I have them more but based on her work schedule and schools schedules for kids I get it also.

 

An she's still supporting me which is confusing. She said she doesn't wanna do legal separation at the moment because we would have to do custody agreements and child support in writing instead of leaving it the way it is.

 

The retail therapy she's going through right now is killing me though and I did mention it and she did listen and respond without getting nasty... about $3400 on her 1 credit card alone not including all the shared bills, and a a few things on my card because its connected to amazon account and her other credit card.

[Ias61489]

It was not a mistake to check the phone records. You can't make a good decision unless you have the correct information. You certainly cannot rely on your wife to tell you the truth.

 

She is only interested now in doing what is in her favor and it's time you started thinking the same way.

 

You want to feel better? Fight back. It will probably surprise her.

 

 

It was a mistake because it caused me Anxiety which i have enough of.. but yes you are right good to have the information to make a better choice and actually see if she's gonna tell me the truth.

 

Trying to figure out in which way I should fight or better to just get ready for it and leave things as they are for now. be prepared but not make the first move

[schlumpy]

See your doctor about obtaining an anxiety reducing medication. As long as it doesn't affect your ability to think it may be the edge you looking for.

 

I do not think that you should trust her judgement when it comes anything the affects your marriage. Whatever she suggests will be to her advantage and not to yours. Don't agree to anything until you get advice or think the action through to it's outcome.

 

And get yourself separated. That means financially also. Protect yourself. If you do it legally you have recourse.

Edited November 15, 2019 by schlumpy

[Ias61489]

See your doctor about obtaining an anxiety reducing medication. As long as it doesn't affect your ability to think it may be the edge you looking for.

 

I do not think that you should trust her judgement when it comes anything the affects your marriage. Whatever she suggests will be to her advantage and not to yours. Don't agree to anything until you get advice or think the action through to it's outcome.

 

And get yourself separated. That means financially also. Protect yourself. If you do it legally you have recourse.

 

I was thinking about it but im not big into medications. Honestly whenever I had anxiety before she usually helped me through it and it worked but i may do it now. I found out by accident that she is now taking some as well, Ive actually started talking to a social worker though unlike her..

 

Its not that im trusting her judgment we both said things should stay the same and so far this what it is but im preparing myself in case it changes suddenly. She makes more but I have more resources behind me in an emergency.

 

Ive been trying to figure out why she agreed to keep things the same finance wise and how she would benefit from not doing a legal separation. I will ask a lawyer when I speak to one.

 

Honestly I dont think she knows what she wants. She has been full of Idks and "whatever you want" about everything. I'm preparing myself for the future in case it gets nasty.. I'm not one to lie down and roll over.. Did it a bit but I thought i was being a good BF/husband and thats what you do when you love someone supposed to work it out.

[vla1120]

Ive been trying to figure out why she agreed to keep things the same finance wise and how she would benefit from not doing a legal separation. I will ask a lawyer when I speak to one.

 

She needs you to fall back on in case things do not work out for her. You would be wise to speak to a lawyer sooner rather than later. You need to protect yourself.

[Ias61489]

She needs you to fall back on in case things do not work out for her. You would be wise to speak to a lawyer sooner rather than later. You need to protect yourself.

 

 

I'm going to but in terms of the legal separation In our state we have to file it and write tout ourselves. If she wot do it there's nothing I can really do besides file for a custody agreement to put in place and child support... As of right now I still have them more but the 2 boys are now staying over2 more days overnight during the week but I dont really like the idea of the kids being split up..

 

She said she thinks the 8 year old needs therapy because he gets upset when he leaves her... I told her we need therapy not him. And in that case they all do.

 

They just dont wanna leave grandmas house because bigger years more toys bikes etc etc...

 

Im trying to decide if I want to let things go as they are and just prepare for it to change at any moment or file for the custody agreements and child support and risk turning things nasty..

[Ias61489]

Well it gotten interesting. I spoke to a lawyer today and he said basically i already knew. He said right now legal separation makes most since because its early and courts dont like it when couples jump into divorce shortly after separating unless there's other circumstances at play.

 

I spoke to her about it and now she says she wants to have the kids more... Even though she will be at work most of time smh

 

So it would be sat night to tuesday after school with her or maybe after dinner...

To top it off if she's not off monday or tuesday I would have to pick out daughter up at 7am and then bring her back once she gets off home from work at 6pm

 

Plus she wants them on her other day off which rotates. To me that seems like 50/50 or maybe a little in her favor maybe Im wrong. When I said thats 50/50 she says she wants them more which doesn't seem right to me besides trying to get lower support. She even said she doesn't think a judge would grant me 50/50... I dont see why not since im not working currently.

 

In term of support as ive said right now she transfers 1k out of her check every 2 weeks to the joint account and i pay bills with it. the cars are 520 min and 418 hers, then the rest on credit cards or other bills.

 

She said she wants to stop paying for my car and she doesn't think she should pay me that much support.... NYS says I should receive $1,112. dont think we are going to come to an agreement here so I might just file for 50/50 custody and child support. even at 50/50 I'll get that amount in support.. Im not trying to be a dick here but my bills are alot higher then hers at the moment mainly because of the 3 kids and choices we made together as a couple (car, Life insurance etc etc)

 

Dont think she was ready for this and how involved separating/divorcing is. Not just a simple breakup. Not to mention our credit card debt is high thanks to disney world! plus whats she's racked up since then!!!

 

Even without my car payment I still have rent, food, utilities, etc for 4 people. She has no rent just her car the car insurance right no is together goes on my credit card.

[S2B]

You’ll need to ask the court for way more than you expect to settle for in the end. IF you expect to settle for 50/50 custody go in asking for 80% timeto start with.

 

When you file paperwork - list all the expenses you have - even include haircuts and dry cleaning and car repairs etc. show your expenses as high as you can and show you don’t earn money and depend on her to pay the families bills with her salary.

 

Don’t get a job right now. You want to show no money and high expenses to the court to have her pay the highest amount possible. IF she’s on the fence - it MAY just show her what she’s done to the family unit. She shouldn’t walk away unscathed. She did this.

 

She’s agreeing to have the kids more often because she understands that is how she pays less. But spousal support should remain the same. Either way she’s manipulating you by using the kids. Do NOT help her with the kids whileSHE has them - SHE has to learn to problem solve on her own and juggle work and kids all by HERSELF! Do not do anything she asks - just tell her “it’s your day - it’s for you to figure out”.

 

Get your credit cards closed that she’s using. Get separate cards she can’t charge to your name. It’s risky that she would put a lot of charges on your card when you don’t have the income to cover all costs that are charged to those cards - stop giving her access to your credit.

 

I’d bet money she will owe you a lot in support each month - and she is scared to pay you what she will need to cough up.

 

She wants to be a walk away wife (which it looks like she is) then she can pay up!

 

She’s seeing someone - that’s why you’re seeing her buying all new clothes etc. I’d bet half that is for lingerie. Stop being her doormat. Start telling her no to everything she asks. The kids will learn you prioritize them and she prioritizes work. Don’t offer to help her - she needs to be forced to be the kids Mom!

 

Above all else - don’t talk about her in front of your kids - never a bad word about her. Remind the kids you love them.

[Ias61489]

You’ll need to ask the court for way more than you expect to settle for in the end. IF you expect to settle for 50/50 custody go in asking for 80% timeto start with.

 

When you file paperwork - list all the expenses you have - even include haircuts and dry cleaning and car repairs etc. show your expenses as high as you can and show you don’t earn money and depend on her to pay the families bills with her salary.

 

Don’t get a job right now. You want to show no money and high expenses to the court to have her pay the highest amount possible. IF she’s on the fence - it MAY just show her what she’s done to the family unit. She shouldn’t walk away unscathed. She did this.

 

She’s agreeing to have the kids more often because she understands that is how she pays less. But spousal support should remain the same. Either way she’s manipulating you by using the kids. Do NOT help her with the kids whileSHE has them - SHE has to learn to problem solve on her own and juggle work and kids all by HERSELF! Do not do anything she asks - just tell her “it’s your day - it’s for you to figure out”.

 

Get your credit cards closed that she’s using. Get separate cards she can’t charge to your name. It’s risky that she would put a lot of charges on your card when you don’t have the income to cover all costs that are charged to those cards - stop giving her access to your credit.

 

I’d bet money she will owe you a lot in support each month - and she is scared to pay you what she will need to cough up.

 

She wants to be a walk away wife (which it looks like she is) then she can pay up!

 

She’s seeing someone - that’s why you’re seeing her buying all new clothes etc. I’d bet half that is for lingerie. Stop being her doormat. Start telling her no to everything she asks. The kids will learn you prioritize them and she prioritizes work. Don’t offer to help her - she needs to be forced to be the kids Mom!

 

Above all else - don’t talk about her in front of your kids - never a bad word about her. Remind the kids you love them.

 

I think I'm just gonna submit the custody and support paperwork to the court if she won't agree to a decent number in support. Theres no reason she needs the kids more when she won't even be there. Its just a play to get the support lower.

 

All my expenses are quite high regardless and she said yesterday she's not responsible for my bills anymore... guess she's doesn't understand how a marriage works!

 

I'm on workers comp no one is hiring me... even if I did i would still make less. for some reason she thinks when im working ill magically make more then her and she wont have to pay support to me.

 

I'm going to let them all go over sat night but after that Im gonna tell her its not working and see how she reacts. She gets them saturday night anyway so not sure how i could top her form keeping them longer without a court order.

 

All the money she spent on cars was on her card... She spent maybe $100 on mine but told me each time so it wasn't a surprise.. The debt will be split either way since we arnt legally separated or divorced.

 

The support will be or should be $1,112 for the 3 kids.. thats why she wants more custody! As of right now she's been pretty much giving me $1,020 and then one of my checks gets split between 2 of our credit cards that we use everyday. So I would put maybe $230 on one of her cars.... so she is paying me $790

 

Ehh no stuff like that most of the clothes are for the kids and she bought some addias sweatpants for herself for $16 on clearance. She told me for some reason. but yes I do think she is sleeping with someone mainly because she wont talk to me about it. 1 day she is nice to me and even though she says she's doesn't wanna be friendly she talks to me normal about all kinds of things the next day im the bad guy again and she gets nasty with me...

 

Gonna see about getting the court before the end of the week.

 

I would never talk bad bout her in front of them or to them...Only thing I say to them is when they say to me they want mommy to come back to daddies house and I say me too

[Ias61489]

Spoke another lawyer and he said it makes more since to just file for divorce now.

 

He said it makes more since because If I file custody and support separate it will go to family court and then If I file for divorce it will go to supreme court.

 

It will cost more and drag things out more.

 

Usually i would suspect a lawyer of wanting it to cost more but he has good reviews and seems like he was being genuine. The lawyer that suggested the Legal separation wanted 3k to type it up and file this lawyer says 5k for the divorce.

 

She's become worse since the talk about legal separation has come up because of the custody and support. We arnt goin to agree so it isn't going to work.

[schlumpy]

She's become worse since the talk about legal separation has come up because of the custody and support. We arnt goin to agree so it isn't going to work.

 

It's becoming real to her. Before it was just talk and the door back home was still open. Now it's threatening to be shut and she has to make what she has going work or look the utter fool.

 

Prepare for a roller coaster of emotions on her part.

[S2B]

If you file and get an order she HAS to pay you.

 

If you don’t she can simply stop all money coming to you - and you have no legal way of making her pay.

 

I caution you - her next pay period may leave you with none of the money she earns.

 

Get an order from the court that legally grants you money. Any other adjustments can be made later.