Do I Need Therapy?

[helloladies21]

I dated a girl for 2 months right at the beginning of 2018. I was in a great place emotionally going in. She distanced herself and we broke up and I was able to get over her within a couple of months. She came back to me a month later and we got back together for another month until she distanced herself again. I suspect she has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder and is not over her ex-husband who left her for her friend. We broke up in July 2018 and I last reached out to her about a year ago to the day. I don't expect her to hear from her ever again and I won't reach out to her again either.

 

I was pretty crushed by both breakups. Things were very intense, since she love bombed me (a characteristic of those with BPD). I was determined to move on from her for good and dated frantically for the next month. I found someone else and we date for a month until I decided she wasn't right for me.

 

For the past year, I feel like something's been off with me. Like I don't feel fully engaged with the world around me. I feel like my interactions with people are very surface level. I also feel like there's a heaviness in my eyes that I can't hide. I'm having trouble opening up to and connecting with people. Am I still not fully over my ex? She's on her 2nd bf since me and I know I'm nothing but a distant memory to her at this point. Although the chemistry felt so good, I don't think what we had was real. It's like my mental knowledge of the situation and emotional feelings about the situation are in conflict. Am I just jaded about women and relationships in general? Although I'm very skeptical about the world around me, I'm normally very optimistic about my life. I feel like I have it all. Successful business owner, healthy (beat cancer), reasonably good looking, people like me. It feels like I have it all except for this one area of my life. I also have trouble sleeping and doing some of the things that I used to enjoy, like working out and exercising. I'd rather stay at home and play some stupid video game or watch TV.

 

What do you think?

[helloladies21]

I hate that I still think about this girl, who I dated for less than a total of 3 months. I feel like it's consumed my life for almost 2 years. I would do anything to let her go for good.

[SomeDude007]

If you have to ask yourself, then it would probably be a good idea to go. There's not much to lose by going, regardless, and everything to gain

[schlumpy]

I don't think therapy could hurt.

 

Since you know the bf number since you left you must be keeping tabs on her and I hear a faint background thought in your post about contacting her. I suspect it hurts that she could on so easily.

 

The time it takes to grieve and heal from a broken love affair varies but it can take many years.

 

There is something in that relationship that connected deeply with you and it's not worked it's way to the surface yet. A good therapist may be able to help you discover what that is.

[helloladies21]

I don't think therapy could hurt.

 

But I'm worried that it could. My only prior experience with any type of counseling was one session with a marriage counselor where she came to a completely incorrect conclusion about the cause of our issues. I don't want to go down the wrong rabbit hole.

 

Since you know the bf number since you left you must be keeping tabs on her and I hear a faint background thought in your post about contacting her. I suspect it hurts that she could on so easily.

 

I didn't check her fb for a several months once I found out about the 1st bf. I would check every so often, but now she's blocked. I wont contact her again. I said everything I had to say in my last letter to her. I think I just wanted confirmation of my theory about what happened with us. She was so cryptic and confused and withdrawn at the endthat I've had to figure out a lot of this stuff on my own through inferences.

 

There is something in that relationship that connected deeply with you and it's not worked it's way to the surface yet. A good therapist may be able to help you discover what that is.

 

I think the real issue is that I feel so let down by things not working out that it's made me doubt that there's someone right for me. I'm not even willing to do the work to find out. Mentally, I know that there are plenty of great girls who could make me happy, but emotionally I don't believe the same thing.

[amaysngrace]

Therapy can’t hurt. If you’re questioning it then go, you know yourself best.

 

Maybe you just have unresolved feelings with no place to put them so they just swirl around in your head. Journaling can help with that too, as well as talk therapy.

[preraph]

Sorry to hear you're going through a bad time. I think you're lonely and a little depressed. I remember in my 20s, I was broke but had the funnest job that paid nil but made lifetime friends there and was busy all the time socially with real connections to people. Depressed some, of course, from unrequited love during that time and miserable at times, but always had something to look forward to (music and the social scene) so I had relief from it, and it kept me going for the most part.

 

Then in my 30s, job changed, good money, but now not in a position to always have social opportunities locally, but instead I had social opportunities more through my work with people who weren't local. Fun and very exciting, but not all that substantive. So I had the most exciting life then but I was lonely for substance, for meeting local people like I used to and really bond with them. It was a big tradeoff.

 

I think you're just missing having something substantive. Dating around and having sex around is fun when you're young, but at some point, you do want something more, and I think you're there.

 

Unfortunately, the right person doesn't just magically appear when we need them, and in this case, you tried to make someone with a major personality disorder the one, but of course it couldn't work out.

 

You've just got to get yourself back out there. Always remember that expanding your social friend network is also usually the best way to meet people of the opposite sex you have a good way to meet and talk to and maybe have things in common with, so don't neglect your friends and go to every party. Tell your friends, if you ever go to any party, take me because i need to get myself back out there.

 

If you feel like you need to see a therapist, certainly go. I don't think you have a major problem, but I can't really know that. Still, if you are depressed, there might be something to lift you out of that fog, so it might be worth it. Good luck.

[schlumpy]

But I'm worried that it could. My only prior experience with any type of counseling was one session with a marriage counselor where she came to a completely incorrect conclusion about the cause of our issues. I don't want to go down the wrong rabbit hole.

 

That is a legitimate worry that the counselor will bring a preconceived bias to the session and filter your problem through it.

 

Many workplaces today have what is called an Employee Assistance Program or (EAP.) The usual format is to often three sessions and then a referral. It's more like a screening process. Would that work for you?

 

Aside from finding an organization that will offer a referral your only other choice is word-of-mouth. That can work depending on how sensitive you are to others knowing that you need some help.

 

I think you should give it a try. At a minimum they can teach you some coping mechanisms.

[helloladies21]

Thank you for your thoughtful response preraph

 

I think you're just missing having something substantive. Dating around and having sex around is fun when you're young, but at some point, you do want something more, and I think you're there.

 

This is definitely the case. I'm 41 and have dated a lot since my divorce 3 years ago (fully over that or a long time now). I'm looking for a partner and an equal. I found that with this particular ex. That's why it's so disappointing that it didn't work out.

 

Unfortunately, the right person doesn't just magically appear when we need them, and in this case, you tried to make someone with a major personality disorder the one, but of course it couldn't work out.

 

I wouldn't agree that I tried to make her anything. Our progression was fast, but it didn't feel forced. Once something felt off to me, I gave it my best to resolve it, and broke it off when progress wasn't being made.

 

I accept people for who they are and am not interested in changing anyone to fit what I'm looking for. I learned that lesson with my ex-wife.

 

You've just got to get yourself back out there. Always remember that expanding your social friend network is also usually the best way to meet people of the opposite sex you have a good way to meet and talk to and maybe have things in common with, so don't neglect your friends and go to every party. Tell your friends, if you ever go to any party, take me because i need to get myself back out there.

 

I really do and I know this. It's that I don't have the motivation most of the time to do this. It feels like I've become demotivated to address this section of my life. I feel like I need some kind of inspiration. Most likely someone to inspire me.

 

If you feel like you need to see a therapist, certainly go. I don't think you have a major problem, but I can't really know that. Still, if you are depressed, there might be something to lift you out of that fog, so it might be worth it. Good luck.

 

I don't think I have a major problem. I do think I know what the solution is. I was on a date a few weeks ago and this girl asked me who my best friend is. I have some good friends, but not one who I would say is my best friend. I wouldn't rank them like that. But out of all my friends, I wouldn't say I fully identify with them. Not that I need to meet someone who's exactly like me, but I think I'm missing someone or people who I can experience life with. Whether it's a guy friend or a gf, I've had this in the past and it's when I feel like I'm at my best.

 

I probably have to stop sitting around and feeling sorry for myself and do what you suggest by doing something social every day possible.

[helloladies21]

That is a legitimate worry that the counselor will bring a preconceived bias to the session and filter your problem through it.

 

I believe the problem is with what's being taught to counselors in academia. I had just gotten done beating cancer when my divorce began. Our issues were over the fact that I decided against having children with her (I do not regret changing my mind). It was pretty obvious to my ex-wife and I that this was the single issue that was causing our issues. Towards the end of the session, the counselor blamed my cancer on our issues. It was such a misread.

 

Many workplaces today have what is called an Employee Assistance Program or (EAP.) The usual format is to often three sessions and then a referral. It's more like a screening process. Would that work for you?

 

I wish that was an option, but I'm self employed. Can't go down that route.

 

Maybe I'll get a counselor, but this thread feels like it's helping. I think I just need to talk about this a little.

[preraph]

Well, maybe for right now you see if you can find a best friend. Take up a new hobby or whatever might help for that. One thing leads to another.

[snowboy91]

For the past year, I feel like something's been off with me. Like I don't feel fully engaged with the world around me. I feel like my interactions with people are very surface level. I also feel like there's a heaviness in my eyes that I can't hide. I'm having trouble opening up to and connecting with people.

 

To me, these sound a little bit like signs of depression. I'm not a mental health professional by any means, but they are very similar feelings to what I go through off and on.

 

Ultimately it's your decision whether or not you seek therapy, but I feel that going to a therapist for mental health is equivalent to going to a doctor for physical health. In both cases, if something goes wrong and you need help, you get that help before things get worse.

[E-mc2]

For the past year, I feel like something's been off with me. Like I don't feel fully engaged with the world around me.

What do you think?

 

I've been in the same place as you a few times in my life. It hurts. People say time heals but honestly it sometimes doesn't.

 

IME the only solution to your problem is to start a new relationship and fall in love. Thats when the hurt will be gone for good.

[helloladies21]

IME the only solution to your problem is to start a new relationship and fall in love. Thats when the hurt will be gone for good.

 

I've come to the same conclusion. I've even said this to a few of my friends.

 

The difficult thing is that the problem prevents the solution. How am I supposed to flirt effectively when I'm so sad? What girl wants that?

 

I'm getting some girls interested these days, but no one I'm excited about.

 

I made an appointment to see my doctor about getting some sleep medication. If I get some better sleep, maybe I'll be a bit more motivated to do things during the day.

[Mr. Lucky]

How am I supposed to flirt effectively when I'm so sad?

 

You realize the sadness isn't about her, right?

 

I hate that I still think about this girl, who I dated for less than a total of 3 months.

 

You said it yourself - 3 months together two years ago doesn't explain this. So yes, you need therapy to help you understand why you've mythologized this brief relationship. The answer may surprise you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[helloladies21]

You realize the sadness isn't about her, right?

 

It's not directly about losing her, but saying she isn't related to it would be incorrect. I was in a great place mentally and emotionally going in. Heck, even after I got over our first split, I was still in a good place.

 

Why am I sad? Because out of all the people I've gotten to know over the years, I have still yet to find a contemporary. I'm not elitist. I meet people who are better/cooler than me all the time. It's an energy level, style, and belief system that I seek. I feel like I've lost some of my hope.

 

You said it yourself - 3 months together two years ago doesn't explain this. So yes, you need therapy to help you understand why you've mythologized this brief relationship. The answer may surprise you...

 

The last relationship ended a little over a year ago.

 

I don't think there's any mystery as to why this relationship resonated with me so strongly. She provided me with a unique feeling I have only felt one other time in my life. Interestingly, it happened with a male friend of mine almost 20 years ago. Similar personality type: very charismatic, intense, energetic. We became very close very fast. It was at the turn of the millennium and I had finally found a best friend. We were going to learn about the world together. Then he ghosted me and I was crushed. It took me about a year to get over him in 2000. I reconnected with him earlier this year, but he wasn't the same person I remembered. He was like a shell of his former self. I think he has his own different set of psychological issues and I can't trust him so I let him go.

 

It seems like I have a natural attraction to a certain type of person who is dangerous for me.

[Mr. Lucky]

The last relationship ended a little over a year ago.

 

Again helloladies21, relationship? How long were you together the second time, three or four weeks?

 

I'm not a therapist but I'd guess this is more about the fears and hang-ups that have kept you from moving on rather than some fatal attraction to her. And it's easier to see yourself as a victim of the failed relationship than confronting the real issues.

 

You'd be better advised to invest the effort and hard work to find out. Hope you do...

 

Mr. Lucky

[E-mc2]

Haven't you heard the saying "the first cut is the deepest"? Everyone gets their heart broke at least once. It's a part of life but some people learn from it and others don't. It happens in the first place because of lack of experience and maturity.

 

I was in your position a few times until I figured things out. It's futile to be infatuated with someone who isn't reciprocating. A love relationship involves both parties. If it doesn't then it's all in your head and you've created a fantasy.

 

If I met the most wonderful person of my dreams but she wasn't interested in me I would know that the relationship wasn't reality. I could walk away and move on with no problem at all.

 

I wasn't long after I figured this out that I met my wife and now I'm happily married with 2 kids. That's where the experience and maturity come in. Learn from this situation and move on. If you do, you'll find that you're much more attractive to the opposite sex when you have the right perspective on dating and relationships.

Edited October 8, 2019 by E-mc2

[helloladies21]

Again helloladies21, relationship? How long were you together the second time, three or four weeks?

 

We were exclusive. I don't see the point of downplaying the seriousness of our time together or arguing the semantic of the name I'm applying to it. They were two short relationships. I was serious about her. We'll move on from this issue.

 

I'm not a therapist but I'd guess this is more about the fears and hang-ups that have kept you from moving on rather than some fatal attraction to her. And it's easier to see yourself as a victim of the failed relationship than confronting the real issues.

 

What am I afraid or inhibited about? I can't think of one thing as far as it relates to relationships or the opposite sex. I'm 41. I know what I'm looking for and I'm comfortable with it and who I am as a romantic partner. I'm discouraged by the process of finding her and the prospects that are out there. I'm pessimistic that there's a good fit for me.

 

I agree that this isn't about her personally. I don't hope for us to get back together. I don't believe she has what it takes to make me happy. I don't even consider reconciliation as an option.

 

And I am definitely not trying to paint myself out as a victim here. I went into it with my eyes wide open. She didn't intentionally hurt me or fool me. I'm certain that she wanted things to work between us while we were together. She just didn't have it in her to do it. I'm not mad at her or the world.

 

The issue isn't that complicated to me. I'm disappointed that things didn't work out between me and a girl who I thought was a good fit. It's made me doubt whether I will find such a person. I'm a bit pessimistic at this point. Defining the issue isn't the problem; it's finding the solution. Another girl could be it. Also, a friend who's willing to help me on my journey could do the trick too. I just have to believe that the goal is achievable to the point where I'm motivated enough to do the work necessary.

[helloladies21]

Haven't you heard the saying "the first cut is the deepest"? Everyone gets their heart broke at least once. It's a part of life but some people learn from it and others don't. It happens in the first place because of lack of experience and maturity.

 

At 41, I have definitely had my share of heartbreaks. And I have definitely learned from them. I have to say that I have learned about as much as I can from them now.

 

I was in your position a few times until I figured things out. It's futile to be infatuated with someone who isn't reciprocating. A love relationship involves both parties. If it doesn't then it's all in your head and you've created a fantasy.

 

I don't believe that she loved me. I believed it at the time, but it was a symptom of a disease that I was unaware she had. She's undiagnosed and I'm not a mental health professional. I wouldn't say I'm infatuated with her now, or even then. I'm simply scarred by the experience.

 

If I met the most wonderful person of my dreams but she wasn't interested in me I would know that the relationship wasn't reality. I could walk away and move on with no problem at all.

 

That's what I did. When she distanced herself both times, I broke things off with her with no regrets. She wasn't treating me right so I left.

 

I wasn't long after I figured this out that I met my wife and now I'm happily married with 2 kids. That's where the experience and maturity come in. Learn from this situation and move on. If you do, you'll find that you're much more attractive to the opposite sex when you have the right perspective on dating and relationships.

 

I have a lot of experience with women. Especially recent experience. I was married for 6 years and with my ex-wife for 10. I don't even think I need to do anything to become more attractive to the opposite sex. I make a great partner. I'm skeptical whether there's someone who can give me what I'm looking for.

[Foxhall]

You can only live in the present, it is great to be alive in the present,

embrace your daily challenges with relish and gusto and do not view them as a chore,

 

enjoy making new friends again and return to exercising and looking after your health,

 

forget about this girl , as you point out she has moved on and forgotten about you,

[Mr. Lucky]

They were two short relationships. I was serious about her.

 

Why would anyone vest so much of themselves in a "short relationship" a year or so ago? You're asking the wrong questions, not unusual when you're blocked on something.

 

Again, I'll offer you'd make much more progress on this working with a trained professional. And will also bow out, hope you move forward and get what you want...

 

Mr. Lucky