Dealing with your ego after breaking things off....

[Hafer]

I broke things off with a girl who was kind of a FWB to me..........Im gonna call her "M"....both of us are 33 years old.....and she is a mother of two (husband died 6 years ago).

 

We met on tinder (January), she was just coming out from a 2 year LTR with a guy who cheated on her. We had sex the first time we met in person (even though we talked for a few days before meeting) so I never thought of her as gf material (I knew she was probably looking for rebound sex).

 

We did it 3 more times, then suddenly in February she goes cold and when I asked her "when we´ll be seeing each other again?" her reply was "I dont know", so I thought to myself : "well, she probably met some other guy, so Im just gonna play it cool"....(she displayed many attention seeking behaviours, like accepting friend requests from random guys on facebook, uploading photos on instagram groups to get likes, just to name a few........she is quite attractive.....and fairly sexual)

 

We spoke sporadically throught March (I didnt display ANY needy behaviour), but in April, we met again, she was very flirty again, and guess what happened....we had sex once more.....but this time....our "relationship" (mainly having sex) kinda took off.

 

From around June until the end of August, I could feel that she was catching feelings for me ( introduced me to her friends and family, deleted many orbiters from facebook and instagram, uploaded pictures to let other people know that she was seeing someone and was always making spending time with me a priority)....but, because I live in another city, I always travelled to her place, had sex, spend a little time there and then leave. The few times we actually went out, she wanted to hold hands and behave almost like a gf. (though it is important to note that this behaviour started around July)

 

By the beginning of september, she told me that she rather not do anything with me if I was not sure about what I wanted, that she was in love with me and she didnt want to feel used, so I told her that having a long term relationship was not possible at the moment (I have my reasons) and that I didnt wanted to hurt her, so in that case it would be better if we break things off......she agreed.

 

We were both very sad, but I could feel that she was indeed very affected by this.

 

Its been 2 weeks since we last saw each other (I went no contact because this was not easy for me to do, I really like her, so I explained to her why I was going to do it).

 

So far, my ego is killing me; All I see in my head is her talking to new guys, going out with other guys and not thinking about me or missing me, while I am here, missing her.

 

I feel like an egoystical, insecure *******; I am the one who broke things off but I cant stand the thought of her not missing me or fooling around with another guy.....I know that she probably has quite a lot of options and orbiters to choose from (while I dont).

 

So I´ve been trying to deal with those thoughts.......whenever I start to feel bad I think to myself: "she deserves someone that can give her what she needs, and if right now she is texting guys or going out, then let it be, she is not your property and you are the one who let her go.....she wanted you, but you didnt deliver"

 

My sex drive plummeted, I had the opportunity to go and have sex with an old FWB that wanted me to come over, but I turned it down, all I do is think about "M"

 

As I said, those kind of thoughts are the ones going through my head right now (actually, the day after I ended things up, she uploaded an instagram story showing an screen cap that a guy took of them during a video call....she wrote "this is how you look when someone takes a random screen capture of you".......she had never uploaded someting like that before......and she knew I would see it).

 

I´ve been feeling very sad, feeling that I miss her a lot, and having those thoughts of her with another guy......

 

So, do you have any advice on how to deal with this? I know Im in the wrong here, I feel that my sadness comes from a place of selfishness and insecurity, and because of that I feel kinda depressed.

[schlumpy]

You seem to indicate that if you had lots of other choices that these feelings your have would not be as severe.

 

Are you in love with her or are your feelings just a residue of the great sex you had comparable to a drug user missing their high?

[Hafer]

You seem to indicate that if you had lots of other choices that these feelings your have would not be as severe.

 

Are you in love with her or are your feelings just a residue of the great sex you had comparable to a drug user missing their high?

 

 

Yes, I would say that it wouldnt be that severe if I had more options, so you are right, I miss the high, the control, having her just for me.

 

Anyways, I woke up feeling better today, wishing only the best for her, and being grateful for the time we spent togheter............most of the stuff that I was panicking about was just a work of my imagination....but if she is indeed flirting with other guys, getting over me or seeing someone then that is her choice, she is free to do whatever she wants.

 

I still feel that my Ego and self esteem are too fragile right now to unblock her from social media and break NC, but I know from experience that you eventually get better.

[books2]

There are many red flags that indicate she wouldn't be good GF material.

 

Somehow, to me, it sounds like you had the right idea when keeping her for a FwB only thing.

 

You have to put into focus that even if you GF her up, she will still have orbiters and post inappropriate crap on Instagram. I know I personally wouldn't have time for that sort of BS and would have never started following her on instragram in the first place... What a waste of time.

 

Ultimately, your gut is telling you that she is not what you want for a GF and you shouldn't ignore that.

 

Somehow, your jealousy along with some of her games are getting to your head.

 

But you do also seem to indicate that you have some pretty selfless feelings for her as you wish her the best and hope she meets the right dude for her.

 

Probably just a matter of deciding once and for all what it is you want and sticking to it.

 

Good luck

[elaine567]

.. I told her that having a long term relationship was not possible at the moment (I have my reasons).

 

You are already 33, what are your reasons?

[Berteau]

Dude. I’m going through almost the same thing right now. It’s good to know others are going through the same thing. The love game can be brutal sometimes and not make logical sense. My ex was with someone new, likely a rebound weeks after I ended it. It got inside my head and really bothers me now.

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

 

There's a lot to unpack and to consider in your post. As someone else asked - what are your reasons for not wanting a real relationship right now? Not trying to judge their validity or question your motivation or point of view. But knowing those will help address the overall situation as well as answer the specific question you asked / address the issue(s) you are having.

 

It's very easy - whether you are the dumper or dumpee - to have ego problems after a "relationship" of any type ends. Your mind wants to justify your actions (I don't mean that in a judgmental way) and at the same time, your mind and your spirit misses whatever you had (sex, communication) with the other person. So we can end up feeling conflicted and can also spiral in our minds when we let our imaginations take over and focus on "what could have been" instead of "what was" and "what is". I'm 7.5 weeks out of a relationship where I was dumped. It's been helpful for me, especially the last 2 weeks - to make a list of what was wrong in the relationship as a reminder that I deserve better and that I deserve happiness. And I deserve someone mature who loves me for me and commits. It's not intended to straight bash my ex - it's a reminder for me about my worth and my happiness. In your case I would say try it and focus on why she and you wouldn't work out long-term and what it was better to end things.

 

Hoping you at least called it off over the phone if not in person, which is mature of you. You have to work through the stages of grief. Not that this was a full blown relationship or something like 2, 5, 10 years long - but you need to work through things. And more than likely she knew you'd see that post - which is why going NC - including social media helps. It prevents opportunities for your mind to spiral back to the "what could have been". Even though you both agreed parting was better she could be feeling hurt and what not so ignore her. She needs to process things and move on just as you do. Don't take anything she says or does personally - and hence NC!!!!!

 

I made the mistake of snooping on my ex after 3-4 weeks to check out her dating profile and it hurt. 3-4 weeks later did it again and it didn't hurt. Why? because the time spent in between was focused on myself and going through the grief and while I still miss her from time to time, still think about her a lot and still occasionally want to snoop and break NC again - I can look back now and say that I didn't do anything wrong, she was immature, and that her profile reeks of her insecurities and problems and that if she does meet a nice guy she will end up hurting him as well and I don't want any part of that again.

 

Hang in there. Don't fight the feelings but try some stuff to help you avoid the spiraling mind and focus on the present in your life and the "problems" in the relationship and that will help.