Surprise Breakup Over Fear and Pain

[MisshapenCloud]

Been together 15 months. I’m a few years older than her. I divorced two years ago. I am present GFs only-ever long term relationship and sex partner.

 

We are a loving couple. All our friends treat us like a mainstay of love and compatibility. We’ve had strangers come up to us and tell us we just look and act like we’re made for one another. We met working together, both switched jobs, but now work together at a new company.

 

We at times feel like we’re on egg shells because we don’t want to hurt one another. I am a bit more physically affectionate but she does things regularly to show she cares. Early in the relationship, we had opposite work schedules, and I became a bit frustrated when she would spend our available weekend days with her family who live an hour away. I love that she is so close to her family, but I was adamant in trying to clear time for days together and she is a bit more patient and laid back in all areas of life; and my frustrations have given her a real complex over reading me and trying to satisfy me even when I am most often totally upfront and patient and considerate. She will worry I’m lying about being fine and stress about a decision, effectively thinking she has to ask me permission for everything. I am saddened by this. It’s been an issue. She also took several months to be ready to have sex and lose her virginity to me. I at times was weak in waning patience and sometimes felt frustrated and took it as a sign of rejection, but I believe we overcame it and it’s been over a year but maybe secret resentments remain. I don’t know.

 

I started trying to cultivate certain sexual things with her in recent months. She is now very self conscious over her performance in these things, even though I just want to do stuff with her and have fun. She had a very destructive dog she re-homed eventually. She replaced the dog with a cat who is semi destructive (my love is very patient and accommodating to cute animals) and she lives worried that I am unhappy with how her pet is acting. An example is if the cat is climbing on the tv, I will sometimes try to stop that so we can watch tv and so the tv isn’t broken by the cat. She wants me to be happy so she worries about every move the cat will make. She also worries that I hate her movies or shows—I do like a lot of critically acclaimed movies and shows where she’s more of a comedy girl, and I feel like she worries I think her things aren’t good enough even though I really do enjoy her taste in things and always enjoy anything she brings to me.

 

She broke up with me this week. We’d discussed these issues and tried to come together for the last few months. We had no episodes for over a month of hurt feelings or anxiety. We did a double cold shoulder because of some mixed communication the other day. She decided her anxieties had been building up, and she ended the relationship after we had two really darling and playful days together. She is at her moms and taking time. We’ve had a few text conversations but not much. I am respecting her space and trying to make sense of a direction forward.

 

Her reasoning is that she is afraid that if we can’t make the right changes, that it will hurt too much to break up again. She also feels like she isn’t free to do things without my permission. She also feels a heavy burden always managing my emotions and expectations. She was puking and crying the other night while breaking up with me. I wasn’t combative but was a bit dramatic giving my keys and telling her I would’ve always loved her. I’m still kicking myself. I’ve since been in contact with a few mutual friends who have said she told them the same reasons why she ended it. I’ve broken up with girls where it’s just time and the spark is gone. I am terrified she is feeling this way, but several signs point to her meaning what she says. I have been told point blank she wants changes made and that she is scared of further hurt. This with her still saying it is done.

 

I adore this woman. I can see children and marriage with this woman and will make the necessary changes in the event I get access to her once again. If there’s still love in her for me, as she told me there is 3 days ago when we last spoke, then I know I can fix it. But that’s a big if for me. I’m scared. And shocked. We made amazing love Tuesday morning. She made a great dinner for me as a surprise Tuesday night. I came onto her Wednesday morning in bed, but she said she just wasn’t really feeling great and preferred not to make love at that time. I told her I am happy to just hold her and be close to her, which she enjoyed. I’ve since found out she’s scared she hurt my feelings by not wanting sex in that moment. She didn’t, but that’s another example of our paranoia that’s hurt us. She broke up with me that night after a silly half hour after leaving a restaurant where she was being a little snappy so I just quietly read ESPN on my phone while she talked to friends, and we had a mixup where I told friends bye and not her when we all left and she became upset and was convinced I was angry with her.

 

We travel and have fun all the time. I bring her flowers at least once a month. We are always social and outgoing as a couple. I do random sweet things on social media. I am at times probably too complimentary of her and telling her I want a future with her pretty often. I cook for her all the time. I always help with anything she needs. I do get a little generally negative sometimes. Not towards her but just kittle things like traffic, but it does stress her out. She told me during the breakup I’ve been a little Generally negative lately. I’m already working on it despite feeling pretty devastated by this breakup. I think I’m a good boyfriend and I’m proud of our relationship.

 

My girlfriend is on anxiety medication and is prone to two and three day long depressive episodes where she goes to bed and wraps up and feels very very down. I am also her first relationship and her family really likes me. She asked around this evening to several of our friends to check on me and make sure I’m eating alright since we haven’t spoken for a few days. We work together and our apartments are coincidentally in the same large complex where her place is just two streets away. Is she really done with me?

Edited October 6, 2019 by MisshapenCloud

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think she is capable of having a relationship at this time. Her anxiety is crippling her, and her self-esteem is critically low.

 

She might be a kind person, but she has clearly got some issues to work through and she knows herself better than you do. She realizes she can't give you the type of relationship you would like; it's not in her wheelhouse, so to speak

 

You could be the greatest boyfriend in the world but it won't make much difference when the other person just can't receive that sort of love or reciprocate it.

[MisshapenCloud]

I am beginning to think I’m not either. My divorce has installed within me some expectations and pessimistic proclivities where I never really let it sink in that this woman of my dreams could ever really want me. Not me. Not worthless me. Maybe the lie of me. But not me.

 

I know I’ll see her at the end of the month at work unless she reaches out sooner. I will try to prepare myself for that.

[snowboy91]

Hey OP,

 

I'm finding your description of your ex's thought process really relatable - it's a truly awful thing for her to process, and it's not at all your fault. Her anxiety is feeding directly into the relationship to, where she gets really worried about doing things wrong. It sounds like it's almost to the point of self-sacrifice, in the sense that she guilts herself into making sure everything is right (worrying about the cat, worrying about spending time outside your relationship without your permission, etc). The dinner you mention may have also been partly a force of guilt. It's especially a problem if her personality is such that she is sensitive to others' emotions, which sounds like the case. This will mean that normal and natural expressions of feeling and opinion on your part might seem like a much bigger problem to her.

 

She cares about you a lot. If she didn't, she wouldn't feel the need to self sacrifice in the way she was doing. But the relationship is exhausting her since she's both trying to manage her own anxiety and the relationship - and unfortunately a first relationship makes this anxiety a lot worse. I felt exactly the same way in my first relationship, and that dragged on 2 years longer than it should have.

 

Now that you've broken up, she is going to need a lot of space to reset herself. But when you do communicate, and if it gets to the point where you may consider getting back together, you need to be ready to listen without judgement and ready for any criticism, since she is going to be very anxious about saying what she really feels.

Edited October 7, 2019 by snowboy91

[MisshapenCloud]

Thank you so much for this reply. And you’re totally right and your observations are very consistent with our last year plus.

 

We had a mini breakthrough last night. She’s been radio silent since the breakup on social media. She gave a signal she’s hurting and I’ve only texted a few times this whole process but I reached out and she gave me a couple little blips of hope that we’ll recover from this.

[ExpatInItaly]

What sort of blips of hope, OP?

[MisshapenCloud]

I admitted she was right about something we had joked about for a few months and she hadn’t sent anything and she suddenly liked my message.

 

I joked about it on Facebook too and she went and liked it.

 

It’s a playful communication and I will definitely take it. Her friends have been telling me she’s missing me and hurting so for her to be playful is a great sign but I’ll stay disciplined and just take things a few days at a time.

[elaine567]

I think this "great" relationship is not nearly so "great" from her side, hence the split.

 

It involves her getting "permission" from you and having to deal with your frustration and criticism and putting pressure on her.

You even made her get rid of her dog... now she needs to worry that the cat is not meeting your expectations...

She cannot relax and be herself in this relationship...

She is thus anxious all the time and no doubt walking on eggshells.

 

This may not be intentional on your part but this is the result all the same.

You took a virgin, in her first relationship and you have tried to mould her into the person that you want...

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I get the sense you are super picky and overly demanding, which is why she's constantly afraid of your possible reaction. No one wants to walk on eggshells daily in a relationship.

 

I would not want to be with a man who still felt resentful that it took me (only) several months to be comfortable giving my virginity. This was a huge deal for her. Where is your compassion and understanding?

 

Instead of focusing soley on HER issues, take some time to reflect on how YOU can be a better partner in the future with someone else.

[MisshapenCloud]

The dog was re-homed to a family member with a farm and acreage after ripping up all the living room carpet in the apartment. And I was referencing possible resentments on her end about sex. Not from me. Just as examples. I’m sorry you read my post and came away with all those negative assumptions.

 

 

 

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I really appreciate it.

Edited October 7, 2019 by MisshapenCloud

[GeorgiaPeach1]

The dog was re-homed to a family member with a farm and acreage after ripping up all the living room carpet in the apartment. And I was referencing possible resentments on her end about sex. Not from me. Just as examples. I’m sorry you read my post and came away with all those negative assumptions.

 

 

 

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I really appreciate it.

 

Why do you think she felt resentment over giving her virginity to you? Is it possible she felt pressured or sensed you were impatient with her?

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know, OP. A couple of FB likes are pretty small potatoes compared to the issues that broke this relationship apart. I get that you are looking for hope, but I would advise against seeing something so minor as significant.

 

About the dog, since it's come up - what was your reaction when he ripped up the carpet?

[Tamfana]

She explained why she broke up so the question is whether you want to make those changes. If not, or if you listen to her just to find a defense rather than to understand, let her go.

[MisshapenCloud]

I always told her keep the dog if it makes her happy or re-home it if she thinks it would make life better. She could tell the dog annoyed me but her whole family and our friends found the dog annoying so it is what it is. I tried to hide that it was annoying so I did try lol.

 

I definitely want to make the changes. I messed up today. She came home. I decided to knock on the door. She didn’t answer. I sent a few texts asking to see her. She said she couldn’t that it would hurt too bad. I was obviously upset but always respectful to her. I really can’t ever intentionally be mean or disrespect her. She’s just my moon and stars. But she said it’s killing her but that now isn’t our time. She basically sees our relationship like an addiction that’s hurting her right now. She’s probably not wrong. I feel like I’m in withdrawal. So yeah.

 

So yeah. I want to make the changes. I will make them. I’m heartbroken but I need to make changes. I’ve come a long way. I have ways to go. But I’ll get there. Luckily I do get to see her once a month for work meetings lol so I just stay quiet to then and look handsome and keep working on myself, and maybe I’ll catch her beautiful eyes again. I sure do hope so. Thank you guys.

[MisshapenCloud]

I realize today that I never really put effort into understanding my girlfriends anxiety. I never let it really impact how I conducted our days together. I was always sweet and supportive to her. But I just had no idea how impacting anxiety is to a person, and I feel so dumb and so careless right now. I’m going to spend this time for space learning about it in case I get another chance at some point.

 

If anyone has a good book on anxiety they could recommend I would be so appreciative.

[lana-banana]

I can see children and marriage with this woman and will make the necessary changes in the event I get access to her once again.

 

"In the event that you get access to her"? She's a person, not a classified program. In any event it sounds like she's through, period, and reading up on anxiety isn't going to help you move forward (if anything, it's more likely to keep you stuck). How old are you both?

[Lotsgoingon]

You cannot be a relationship with someone where you don't take their answers at face value. So you guys have this double-level of communication going.

 

Level 1: the words you say.

 

Level 2: The questioning of the words you say ... because of fear that you may not be saying what you really think and feel.

 

This is chaos ... you can't have a relationship like this. This means you guys are not a good fit. It's hard enough to work a relationship with both people being clear. With the confusion surrounding the way you guys talk--a sane relationship is impossible.

 

BTW: how a couple appears in the eyes of friends or strangers ...strangers means absolutely, positively, below-zero, nothing. Nothing.

 

What's this stuff you have to work on?

[MisshapenCloud]

She reached out to one my buddies Tuesday evening to ask if I was eating good and if I was going to all my classes. He told her he really thinks we should sit down and talk because he believed we belonged together. She said she’s been crying so much but she wanted to talk. She then messaged me an hour later and came over and climbed into bed, and I let her know this experience has taught me to strictly value her for who she is and to control my fixations and obsessions on my career trajectory and materialistic things, and I have to be more mindful of how she might interpret certain things I say with her anxiety. And we have to have mandatory days away where she doesn’t feel pressured to take care of me all the time and where I spent time with friends and family make and not just keep her at the center all the time.

 

We’re going to be okay. She’s happy I’ve begun counseling for childhood trauma and trust issues. It’s crazy right now because of midterms and whatnot for me but we both agree this is something worth working for. I feel like I got a second chance at life. And it’s a wonder what a day of no contact will sometimes do.

 

Thanks everyone for listening. I’ve had a few problems over the years that I’ve brought to here and some of you are really great thinkers and advice givers who don’t jump to conclusions and just let people in pain vent. You guys take care.

[ExpatInItaly]

Buckle up, OP.

 

You are in for an incredibly rough road with this relationship.