Lucyjane86 Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 (edited) Ive been seeing this guy for a short while. We work together and started getting close over a couple of months whilst he was still with his now ex fiancee. They were together 2-3 years and have 2 small children. He ended things with her and we continued to get closer. About 2 weeks after they split he spent the day with her taking the children out and then went up to our work for lunch and a drink. He was texting me whilst they were out and decided that day that he wanted us to give things a proper go. He had already told me he loved me before this. Since that day i have spent most days/ nights staying at his and when we are apart he texts alot. Its been just over 2 weeks. We dont go anywhere or do anything together though apart from work, his place and stopping for a drink after work. He hasnt told anyone about us apart from the people at work and doesnt post anything anywhere on social media. The most he has done is leave heart emoji comments if i post a selfie on instagram. He posts a lot of quotes about depression and anxiety and i know he has suffered with them in the past but he doesnt talk about it. He has also started posting quotes about hating people who cheat and that if a girl has loads of men messaging her its because she makes them feel like its ok to which means shes cheap and easy. I feel like these are aimed at me as i have told him that i have a guy that keeps messaging me on instagram at the moment. He has his ex and all her family still on all social media and has commented on photos she posts of the children putting x's on the end. He also still as photos of her up with quotes such as my world and statuses saying how happy she makes him. All from only a few months before me and him started talking. They have minimal contact but are arranging to meet up for the day again soon to take the children out. When we started getting close they hadnt seen eachother in 2 months as she had to travel to the other end of the country to deal with a family crisis. Once she was back he ended things with her. I cant help but feel like he turned to me because she wasnt around and that thats why things seem to be moving fast but arent actually getting anywhere, because i am effectively a rebound? I feel like perhaps seeing her that day after all that time made him realise he still had feelings for her and thats why he threw himself more into me saying he wanted us to start a relationship. What does everyone think? Feel free to be brutally honest! Edited October 6, 2019 by Lucyjane86 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 Why would you expect him to delete the mother and extended family of his children off social media??? It is of utmost importance that he does keep these connections!!! You are not a rebound relationship because he isn’t even dating you, never mind in a relationship. And clearly he is filling a void. Basically you have been sleeping with him for 14 ish days. His wife can’t see his likes on instagram. And yes she is still his wife until they divorce. Which may or may not happen. And it can’t happen for at least a year. If you are genuinely interested in this guy, then tell him to contact you when the divorce is finalised. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 6, 2019 Author Share Posted October 6, 2019 I dont expect him to delete her but does he really need the rest of her family? And do they need to interact on there? With him putting kisses on the ends of comments? And i would have expected him to delete the photos of her atleast. They arent married. They were only engaged. What do you mean we are not dating or in a relationship. He has said we are in a relationship? And filling a void? As in he misses her and probably regrets ending things? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 You have only been seeing this guy for 2 weeks? Is that correct? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 6, 2019 Author Share Posted October 6, 2019 We have been 'official' for 2 weeks. If you can call it official when hardly anyone knows! But we have been talking and getting to know eachother for a few months. We had slept together a couple of times and he had told me he loved me, before properly getting together Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 There are red flags all over this, OP. You are right to be worried that you are a rebound because that's exactly what it sounds like. Did he emotionally or physically cheat on his ex with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 6, 2019 Author Share Posted October 6, 2019 What are the red flags? And yes i would say he emotionally cheated as we were talking for sometime before he ended things with her. Although, like i say, tey hadnt seen eachother in that time as she was away Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 What are the red flags? And yes i would say he emotionally cheated as we were talking for sometime before he ended things with her. Although, like i say, tey hadnt seen eachother in that time as she was away Er, this right here is a red flag. A huge one. It doesn't matter if she was away. Guys with integrity don't start feeling out other women while they're still dating someone else, much less being engaged to and having children with that person. Especially when she was gone to deal with a family crisis. That says a lot about his character, and it's not good. Were they living together before this? If so, has he completely moved out? Where is he staying? The other red flags? Him telling you he loved you so early. Moving things along so quickly and not taking time to process the break-up of his family. Love-bombing you. Him posting thinly-veiled messages on social media, though I have strong suspicion those are not aimed at you but at his ex. Even if he hadn't suddenly dumped her and come to you, you would need to get used to his ex being part of his life. They share two young children. She isn't going anywhere any time soon and will remain in his world for years to come, by virtue of being the kids' mother. If you are already getting upset because they're still social media friends, get ready for a lot of rough water ahead as they navigate birthdays, holidays and kids' events as separated parents. That all involves far more communication than social media posts. You don't sound like you're up for that sort of challenge. This all reads like a sleazy guy, OP, with a lot of unfinished emotional business with his ex. Not a great choice for a boyfriend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 6, 2019 Author Share Posted October 6, 2019 Its not just them being friends on social media. Its the fact that they meet up and play happy families taking the children out for the day together. No they didnt live together. And from what i have heard there is no reason for those posts to be about her. I have heard quite alot about her as all his work friends, who are also mine, know her as they used to regularly come to our work together. Love-bombing? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 (edited) It seems odd to me that they were engaged and have two kids but didn't live together. Has he ever told you what that was about? My point about them being a family is exactly this: "Its not just them being friends on social media. Its the fact that they meet up and play happy families taking the children out for the day together." Their kids are going to be a priority, so you'd better get used to these meet-ups. It's how they're evidently choosing to deal with the split. You don't have to like it or approve of it, but you also don't have to date a recently-separated dad of two small kids either. Social media posts are going to be the least of your concerns here. Love-bombing is when someone comes on very strongly, very quickly and not usually for sincere or positive motivations. It could be because they're on the rebound and looking to fill a void, trying to manipulate you, and so on. Read up on it; I think you will see some of the warning signs here. Let's imagine for a moment that those social media posts about cheating women are aimed at you. Does that not seem more than just a tad hypocritical of him? Immature? How old is this guy, anyway? I don't mean to be unkind, but you come across as rather naive. That can be easily used against you with men like this. Edited October 6, 2019 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 6, 2019 Author Share Posted October 6, 2019 I probably come across as niave as not only have i not been in a situation like this before but i also havent been in a relationship in the last 4 years as i was focusing on my uni studies. I had only just cone home and statted this job in the summer when i met him. And i understand that she will always be apart of his life but to be spending days together playing happy families just seems to be pushing the boundries a little. And to still bring them up to our work whilst behaving like that knowing that it could get back to me. She has no clue he's even seeing anyone. As far as i know he just told her when they split that he needed space because he thought he had fallen out of love with her. I know he also said you never know what what the future holds but i assume this was to try and soften the blow abit. And i think they were both living in shared accomodation, he still is, but they were looking at moving in together as soon as they found somewhere Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 I dont expect him to delete her but does he really need the rest of her family? And do they need to interact on there? With him putting kisses on the ends of comments? And i would have expected him to delete the photos of her atleast. They arent married. They were only engaged. What do you mean we are not dating or in a relationship. He has said we are in a relationship? And filling a void? As in he misses her and probably regrets ending things? Ok so they were not married. But they have a bigger commitment to each other, children!!! So the same rule applies essentially! He will not be ready to date for at least a year. Why would you “expect” him to delete photos of the mother of his children?? And why would you expect him to not put kisses on a comment ? Would you rather he erases his life? And not care about his kids welfare or their mother? In your opinion they were ONLY engaged , in my opinion they were together long enough to have 2 chikdren together and you bizarrely have greater expectations from him despite the fact that you have ONLY been having sex with him for 2 weeks? Oh? He said you were in a relationship and you believed him? Why? You haven’t even gone on a date!!? He is filling a void as in he suddenly has had a shift in his life and hence the after work drinks etc. He is delaying going home to no kids and no family. And you are perfectly filling that void. That doesn’t mean he wants to get back with the mother of his kids, but it does suggest that he will avail of distraction. You! Why would you want that role? It’s temporary. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 (edited) And i understand that she will always be apart of his life but to be spending days together playing happy families just seems to be pushing the boundries a little. And to still bring them up to our work whilst behaving like that knowing that it could get back to me. She has no clue he's even seeing anyone. As far as i know he just told her when they split that he needed space because he thought he had fallen out of love with her. I know he also said you never know what what the future holds but i assume this was to try and soften the blow abit. More red flags. My prediction is that they will get back together when he's had his fun with you. I'm sorry girl. This doesn't have the legs to last. I asked before, but you may have missed it: How old is he? And how old are you? Edited October 6, 2019 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 6, 2019 Author Share Posted October 6, 2019 Im 22. Hes 25 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 6, 2019 Author Share Posted October 6, 2019 From what i have heard he has always stopped for drinks after work even whilst they were together. We work in a pub so everyone stops for a drink together once it closes. And they didnt live together so he wouldnt have been going home to them anyway. Unless they were staying at his which i know they did as theres still beds for the children in his room along with other kids things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 6, 2019 Author Share Posted October 6, 2019 Why is it such a red flag that she doesnt know? Could he not just be tryingto stop her from getting her anymore than she already has? And do most people choose to deal with a break up of this kind by taking spending days togetjer as a family still in the way they would before? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 It's always a red flag when you're being kept a secret from an ex, OP. He knows if she found out, he probably would never have another shot with her. He isn't ready to let her go completely, or he'd be honest and show your relationship a lot more respect. He also knows she would probaby (rightly) assume he'd been unfaithful with you. You can try to justify this in your mind all you want, but I personally wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole. There are far better candidates for dates out there. This dude? Bottom of the barrel. Raise your standards, girl. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 6, 2019 Author Share Posted October 6, 2019 I always thought that people in rebound relationships flainted them in front of their exes rather than hide them Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 I always thought that people in rebound relationships flainted them in front of their exes rather than hide them You thought wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 6, 2019 Author Share Posted October 6, 2019 I see that now. So i was right in thinking that it probably started because she was away so he didnt feel as though his needs were being met, that he was just wanting sex. Do you think he left her because he genuinely did think he had fallen out of love with her whilst she was gone, or because he felt guilty or because he just decided to get what he can from me for awhile whilst its all new and exciting and then probably go back to her once he got bored of me? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 Do you think he left her because he genuinely did think he had fallen out of love with her whilst she was gone, or because he felt guilty or because he just decided to get what he can from me for awhile whilst its all new and exciting and then probably go back to her once he got bored of me? I can't possibly answer that, as we don't have any information about their relationship. Only they know what was really going on between the two of them. What we do know is that he's the type of man to try to cheat on the mother of his children. If he any dignity, he would have avoided getting close to you until after he had properly broken up with her. Any shady behaviour on his part should thus come as no shock to you from here on out. He's showed you what he is capable of. Do I think you two will have a long-lasting and happy relationship? Very unlikely. Don't get invested. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 6, 2019 Author Share Posted October 6, 2019 I dont know a huge amount about there relationship but everything i have heard has been positive. Its all come from people at work. Theyve said things like how good she was for him, how much happier and how much of a better person he was since being with her. How he used to tell them how much he loved her and the kids and how he felt like they gave his life purpose. Theres been other things said but there the ones that stick in my head. I know that righy before she went away they had just come back from a family holiday. So my only assumption is that i really can only be down to them being apart for a little while Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 6, 2019 Author Share Posted October 6, 2019 I dont know though whether he actually did/does have fwelings for me or if its just that i happened to be the new girl there at the time Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 Other people can only speculate what their relationship was actually like behind closed doors. Nobody but the two of them know the real story. In any case, do you not see the fact that he was willing to break boundaries with you while still engaged to her as a major character flaw? I get the impression that you felt so flattered by his attention and sweet words that you minimized or ignored some bigger problems with this whole situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucyjane86 Posted October 6, 2019 Author Share Posted October 6, 2019 Some of it is speculation but some of it is things he actually told them. Theyre good friends so he wouldve talled to them alot. I do see it as a character flaw, yes. But i am more trying to work out quite how/where/why i come in to it all. He did come with me to a charity fundraiser that was put on by my family for my cousin but thats the only time we've gone anywhere. And he had already met most of my family as they all drink in the pub we work in and are mates with others that work there too. He hasnt introduced me to any of his other friends or family though. Hasnt even told his family about me. He hasnt seen any of them since we got together. We spend nearly all of the time together and he messages every chance he gets when we are apart. I just feel like its all very mixed signals Link to post Share on other sites
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