Further thoughts on why people can’t just say no if they’re not interested

[crispytoast]

In the following responses to "just say it if you don't want to see me", I understand A and B but not C (what the OP says he encountered).

 

A. yeah, I don't think it'll work out.

B. actually, I wasn't ghosting you.

C. oh my god! how can you think that?! I was soooo looking forward to see you! Please! You gotta believe me! I'm soooo sorry about what happened before. Please give me another chance!

 

He wasn't asking why B. He was asking why C. My guess is either they are afraid, or they really want to see him, or they're first year drama students.

C sounds like a facetiously hyperbolic interpretation of what the woman likely actually said, but who knows? I doubt we are being given an accurate account of how the interactions actually went, tbh.

Edited October 8, 2019 by crispytoast

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Yes people suck at being respectful, but the way you react is kinda creepy and desperate. I've been in your shoes, had many guys flake on me and lead me on. The best thing you can do, is not chase them. Do not try to justify yourself, delete their number and move on.

 

Jumping down that barmaid's throat most likely turned her off, heck that would do it for me. There are flakes and users, but you have to hold yourself back. That barmaid may have been interested until you started accusing her of just being nice. I had a guy I dated constantly accuse me of similar things and that was such a turn off. If you treat women like that, you will never get someone to date you.

[TimmyBoy]

On 10/10/2019 at 1:31 AM, I'veseenbetterlol said:

Yes people suck at being respectful, but the way you react is kinda creepy and desperate. I've been in your shoes, had many guys flake on me and lead me on. The best thing you can do, is not chase them. Do not try to justify yourself, delete their number and move on.

 

Jumping down that barmaid's throat most likely turned her off, heck that would do it for me. There are flakes and users, but you have to hold yourself back. That barmaid may have been interested until you started accusing her of just being nice. I had a guy I dated constantly accuse me of similar things and that was such a turn off. If you treat women like that, you will never get someone to date you.

I get plenty of women to date me, thanks.

I'm not sure why you assume I don't just because there are SOME women who irritate me.  Keyword: SOME.

Who is this imaginary guy that so many of you seem to think you're talking to?

Edited March 7, 2020 by TimmyBoy

[TimmyBoy]

On 10/8/2019 at 4:38 AM, crispytoast said:

C sounds like a facetiously hyperbolic interpretation of what the woman likely actually said, but who knows? I doubt we are being given an accurate account of how the interactions actually went, tbh.

Why do you doubt that?

[LuckyM]

People are rude even to their friends or wouldbe friends..  I have been stood up many times, even by another guy, a friend.

Ridiculous excuses. Humans have a hard time being honest! It starts when you are old enough to lie.

I have a male friend who has never said he is not interested in something in 10 years. He is always too busy.

This is their way of acting nice and doing whatever they want to do. This is nothing to them, a little white lie.

You really want to be disturbed by the truth?

[Miss Spider]

Usually because they don’t like to say no and there’s a small, itty bitty, teensy weensy, slight modicum of a chance they might possibly want to hang then or sometime in the foreseeable or unforeseen future. And  a lot of people have FOMO and want to keep their options open. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

On 10/6/2019 at 12:38 PM, TimmyBoy said:

 

 

 

 

On 10/6/2019 at 3:06 PM, TimmyBoy said:

 

No, I didn’t say I confront them about their reason for not wanting to go out with me, I said I confront them about ghosting me. You do realise that’s not the same issue?

 

You need to start reading my posts properly before you try to argue with them.

TimmyBoy, no offense, I'm just writing this to help you figure it out but you seem to be doing the same thing to preraph in your response above that you seem to do to women who ghost you. We used to have a term for it, it's called "straightening someone out."

You probably don't even realize it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

11 hours ago, TimmyBoy said:

I get plenty of women to date me, thanks.

I'm not sure why you assume I don't just because there are SOME women who irritate me.  Keyword: SOME.

Who is this imaginary guy that so many of you seem to think you're talking to?

Do you get how your above response comes off when you say something then reiterate it in caps? Again, you're "straightening her (or him, can't recall) out!" And doing it forcefully. You seem a little intense. Is it possible your need to be right and being intense about it is a turn off?

It's a little bit like pushing someone up against a wall in that you're not allowing an escape door for the person. You have to give folks a little room...just my opinion. You seem like a nice guy who is truly trying to figure this out...

Edited March 8, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease

[SumGuy]

Sometimes people get a vibe someone will straighten them out if they say no or disagree with them, so they disassemble to avoid the BS.    Sometimes they disassemble as a precaution to avoid BS after having a few bad experiences.  

[Fletch Lives]

The reason many people can't say "no" is simple - because they don't want you to reject them back. They would like to disappear before you know what happened. They don't know you - you might bite their head off if they reject you to your face.

Welcome to dating, the world's biggest cat-and-mouse game.

[The Outlaw]

Because they would rather hide behind their phones and let you eat the silence because it speaks for itself than EVER straight up tell you that they aren't interested. Because it's just 'easier' that way or, they just don't want to 'hurt your feelings.' That's just a small portion of something I read online about it a few years ago but, really? And some people can and will just change their minds on a dime. Granted, it's going to sting but in the long run, you dodged a MAJOR bullet. 

[Acacia98]

I have had similar experiences, TimmyBoy, but in different contexts. 

For example, I (I'm female, btw) remember being in a relationship with a guy (1.5 years together) and starting to feel like he was gradually pulling away and wanted out. He was calling less, making less of an effort to spend time together... So I tried to ease into a conversation with him about it. I mentioned what I'd observed and I told him I had the impression that he wanted out. I asked him if that was the case, making sure to reassure him that I wouldn't hold it against him if it was. He was very categorical that he didn't want out, he very much wanted to be with me, but tended to fall into this pattern of seeming to take things for granted and to lose interest. He told me he wanted to think about why he kept on falling into that pattern and then we would talk about it. Well, I'm sure you can guess what happened next. We never had this conversation. He kept avoiding it and me, and then finally when I asked him about it, he went silent on me. Weeks of silent treatment. That was how he dumped me. Then followed a passive-aggressive social media campaign where he posted memes that I recognized as referring to me and essentially insulting me. I got the message and eventually unfriended/unfollowed him. Imagine how much kinder to me it would have been for him to be honest when I first approached him and to tell me that it was true that we were drifting apart, that he wasn't sure he wanted us to be together anymore. 

I also experienced flakiness in my friendship with a female friend. We were in college together and then fell out of touch after graduation. And then eventually we reconnected and found out that we were living relatively close to each other. She seemed excited and suggested visiting me sometime soon. So I extended an enthusiastic invitation to her. It turned out that, between the two of us, my schedule was the more flexible one. So we agreed that it was an open invitation and that, once she figured her schedule out, she would pick a date and let me know. Needless to say, that never happened. I guess she was too busy. And I understood. She works in a highly demanding field. So I didn't make a big deal about it. I didn't mention it. But guess what? One day we were talking on the phone about something else and she suddenly accused me of promising to get back to her about the visit and failing to do so. I gently reminded her that she was the one who was supposed to get back to me about her schedule. She was adamant that it was my fault and made a really big deal about it. Ultimately, there was never a visit. Later, she did invite me to her wedding, but because I was going to be outside the country, I RSVPed my apologies and wished her and her fiance the best. I did make a point of buying them a gift and wanted to send it to them when I returned. But she never responded to my request for their mailing address. She responded to my email messages. So I know she got them. But she consistently ignored my request for their address. I guess she was tired of our friendship and couldn't be bothered to follow through with stuff. That's fine. I can live with that. Friendships do end sometimes. But it was annoying that she kept going through the motions. It would have been easier/kinder for her to just go silent. I ended that friendship by simply not updating her when my contact info changed.

So how do I make sense of their behavior? I think they both wanted out, for sure. But they also both needed to appear to be the good guy. At the same time, I think they both liked the idea that they were in demand and enjoyed being in what they viewed as positions of power: being able to ignore or reject me (or whoever, because, rest assured, I wasn't the only person they treated this way). Your situation is different because you're dealing with relative strangers. But something about it seemed similar to my experiences.

Edited March 11, 2020 by Acacia98

[chillii]

l had trouble saying not interested in that way back in the day. For me l suppose it depended on circumstances buttttt, mainly l just didn't wanna hurt her feelings and l usually just figured it would be obvious l wasn't interested in that way anyway so l don't have too butttt, l should've , a few times actually.

l mean l use to assume there was no call for it obviously if l was interested in more she'd know about it because l'd be touching and taking it further, equals interested. So if l'm ever in those situations again and some got quite messy because of that , l'd clear any misconceptions up front in future .

 

Edited March 12, 2020 by chillii

[girlinNYC]

Sending multiple messages isn’t the way to go, especially in the early stages before you’ve been on even one date. I understand your frustrations and certainly don’t condone stringing someone along or ghosting before a date, but ultimately it isn’t your job to discipline them. If it happens again (I hope for your sake it doesn’t) just let it go and move forward. No answer is an answer in itself.