I am very tired of dealing with things on my own

[zenmuffin]

Last year I moved countries for school and feel I left nothing behind. I have a very abusive family at home and had made very little of my life until that point. I've been in my new location for a year now and have spent most of that time working in solitude. I'm about 10 years older than my classmates, so the friendships have been somewhat superficial.

 

I feel very, very alone today...and lately. This summer I met someone that I connected with on a very deep level, but once I gave in to the closeness it became unstable. I have tried, in so many words, to express to him the stress and fear of not having family to fall back on. Many moments in my life were punctuated by desperation and I feel I shared this only to reveal an ugliness in myself. Last night he rejected me in a very angry, personal way.

 

I walked home alone at 4am, and didn't have anybody to call. I ended up calling the Samaritans and it helped me at the time, but who do I lean on today? I recently connected with an estranged parent, but he barely knows me anymore. I cannot call him crying over a relationship. I texted a friend from home, and was told to simply go to bed. I am so happy with my decision to move, but it doesn't matter where you are when you're always alone. At this point in my life, I want a partner. In the limited hours I have to relax, I just want comfort and intimacy. When bad things happen to me, getting upset feels pointless as I know nobody is going to come anyway. I'll wake up and the world will keep moving no matter how badly I'm feeling.

[FMW]

I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

 

You need to try to broaden your opportunities for meeting new people and increase your chances of making emotional/intellectual connections and building relationships.

 

Engaging in hobbies and going to events (small music venues, art shows, etc.) are possibilities. You will just need to be friendly and open to conversations with new people to make that happen.

 

Doing things on your own that make you happy is also important in keeping you in a more positive frame of mind so that you are receptive when opportunities do come along to meet new people.

 

What do you enjoy doing?

[preraph]

It's hard moving to a new town. But it's usually for the best.

 

I got lonely and I kept a diary every day, and poured out my thoughts into it plus everything that happened that day. It was very therapeutic and also kind of saved me years later and was cheaper than therapy.

 

Here's what you can't do. You can't only contact or write people when you're down and sad and need them. The basis of friendship is really that to get friends, you have to be entertaining and fun. Then if you are, they may stick by you through a bad patch. But no one just wants to hear depressing thoughts from you. So always be sure you make most of your communiques with friends light and fun and entertaining and not all about you, asking them about whatever was on their mind last time, etc. Then maybe they'll be there for you when you need a shoulder.

 

Meanwhile, put everything in that diary and get it out that way.

 

I don't know your religion, but sometimes you can find a sort of counselor at church who will listen and advise. If you happen to be a student, every campus has them. If you have online friends and just need some practical advise sometime, tap them. Sometimes I ask my boss at my part-time job about tech stuff and something I know nothing about to get an idea how big a job it is. Like I asked him about replacing a gas range vent hood. He even said if worse came to worse, he could probably do it and told me how much it should cost. Then I had it done eventually and he was right.

 

Also, in the US, we have forums that are our neighbors and those who live close by. They can be a practical source of support for tangible things. It's called "Nextdoor" and you put in your zip code and sign up and get emails and you can pick which subject emails you get. Say you need someone to help you move your sofa, you can put on there, "I'm new to town. I need someone to help me move my sofa. Is there anyone who would be willing to help? It will only take 5 minutes of your time."

 

You'll meet neighbors that say and helpful ones at that and maybe make new friends. You know I had rarely ever talked to the lady cattycornered across the street from me and my neighbor I used to talk to moved away, but I got in a crisis a few months ago and decided to ask her to help me. All I knew about her is she was kind to animals. So that's why I picked her. I had to go to the ER out of state and wasn't sure if they'd keep me and asked her if I could introduce her to my dogs and if I had to stay overnight, if she'd feed them and gave her a key. It's good to reach out sometimes. It's necessary.

 

Even if you come on here, you can get good advice and even if you came on here and said "My gas range burner isn't working," I bet someone (me) could tell you now to fix it.

 

You are alone and you need to not be afraid to ask people for help. Just don't use up your friends by only tapping them when you're down, that's all.

 

Most people will help you if you ask them as long as they know you're trying your best and not just using them to do things you yourself should be trying to do.

Edited October 6, 2019 by preraph