Cold approaches

[Gretchen12]

If you're open to making friends, just don't worry about whether she's single. Have nice conversations when you feel like it.

 

As for the attractive lady to go to dinner and sleep with you, haha, there's always a "price" to pay. You may have to text her often enough and with emojis, pick her up, help her lift heavy things, notice and compliment her looks, remember birthday, go places she wants that you don't enjoy, try to explain yourself when you don't know what you did wrong, change your sleep schedule, the list goes on. Maybe it's not what you want at all. if you do want to give, you'd be in a good position because you don't come empty handed hoping to receive. Know your own value.

[basil67]

Ultimately aren't many friendships formed from a cold approach?

 

No, they aren't. Almost all friendships are formed from common interests/situations. When we're young it's school mates and people we meet at extra curricular activities. Same for university and work. And we meet people through our existing social circles...you start chatting to new someone at a social event and they become friends. Once we have kids, then we make a whole set of new friends via them. I made a new friend recently when we connected over my street library and discussions of books. For you, the route may be through your thing for cars. Do you go to car meets?

 

Despite how friendly I am with strangers, and the fact I will have brief chats while in queues and elevators, I've never made a friend by talking to someone for no reason.

[preraph]

^ That's right. Friends, you meet through doing activities in common.

[jspice]

So you don’t know anyone who does trivia and that’s where it ends.

Why would you not search for a trivia group?

Get in touch with the people who set them up. I really have to wonder quite how good you are at your job because we only have your word on that. However here you’re incredibly shortsighted.

 

For all your griping about not being challenged and bragging about debate, a cursory glance at your posting history reveals not one post in the politics section.

Here you have people from all over the world that you can connect with. You e not shown that you can hold your own in a debate.

[chillii]

Ultimately aren't many friendships formed from a cold approach? I am only looking for a friend, I can get enough out of that to be fairly content. If its someone with mutual interests all the better.

 

 

Its the only real compromise I am happy to entertain, a really good dynamic friend versus a very average girlfriend, its an easy choice.

 

 

Matches they send ya mean nothing , back when they sent me 100s , not even close to whom l'd go for, l found my own.

ps, then again , think l've mentioned that a few dozen times.

Edited October 16, 2019 by chillii
ps

[ZA Dater]

As for the attractive lady to go to dinner and sleep with you, haha, there's always a "price" to pay. You may have to text her often enough and with emojis, pick her up, help her lift heavy things, notice and compliment her looks, remember birthday, go places she wants that you don't enjoy, try to explain yourself when you don't know what you did wrong, change your sleep schedule, the list goes on. Maybe it's not what you want at all. if you do want to give, you'd be in a good position because you don't come empty handed hoping to receive. Know your own value.

 

I don't have an issue in paying that "price" providing the person actually ticks my boxes in terms of what I like. As a person I am generally good at doing those sort of things even with people I don't find that appealing so based on my experience I seems I might be looking to pay with the wrong currency.....

 

The inherent problem is ladies don't really want guy friends to begin with so that's a fundamental issue. Sure, I have had instances where I add value and they do give me the time of day but its never a case of "well lets have a coffee and catch up", its more a case of them asking me to sort out whatever problem they may have.

[ZA Dater]

No, they aren't. Almost all friendships are formed from common interests/situations. When we're young it's school mates and people we meet at extra curricular activities. Same for university and work. And we meet people through our existing social circles...you start chatting to new someone at a social event and they become friends. Once we have kids, then we make a whole set of new friends via them. I made a new friend recently when we connected over my street library and discussions of books. For you, the route may be through your thing for cars. Do you go to car meets?

 

I agree with all of this, hindsight is lovely though because thinking back I should have made better use of school/the small amount of time I did actually got to lectures versus studying at home to actually try fit in but already then it was "lets go clubbing, J are you coming, lets go to the local pub, J are you coming" answer no enough and well you simply don't fit in.

 

Cars, should be an ideal platform but for a variety of reasons just doesn't work for me, most of which centre around the fact the core group is a lot younger than me.

 

I believe I am a good enough person to attract someone I would like BUT the environment does not work for me in the sense I am forced to try and fit in which never works well for me, its never worked even from a young age I never fitted in with my peers.

Edited October 16, 2019 by ZA Dater

[Gretchen12]

No, they aren't. Almost all friendships are formed from common interests/situations. When we're young it's school mates and people we meet at extra curricular activities. Same for university and work. And we meet people through our existing social circles...you start chatting to new someone at a social event and they become friends. Once we have kids, then we make a whole set of new friends via them. I made a new friend recently when we connected over my street library and discussions of books.

 

But you still have to cold approach your classmates, cold approach someone at a event, cold approach to discuss books. I often see people at events and activities not talking to each other because they are strangers. The ones who cold approach and start a conversation will make friends. The ones who keep to themselves (and it's easy to just do that) will be left alone.

[basil67]

Classmates, extra curricular activities, parties etc aren't cold approach because you've already been introduced, collaborate on projects, share the same desk, play in the same team. Even the street library is isn't cold because it's designed with the intention of connecting people.

 

Cold approach is going up to a random person and starting a conversation completely unexpectedly

[elaine567]

I should have made better use of school/the small amount of time I did actually got to lectures versus studying at home to actually try fit in but already then it was "lets go clubbing, J are you coming, lets go to the local pub, J are you coming" answer no enough and well you simply don't fit in.

 

It is not that you didn't fit in, you CHOSE not to fit in.

You are still choosing not to fit in...

[GuitarGuy7]

Cold approaching rarely works. It’s a crap load of rejection for maybe that 1 in 100 chance a girl actually goes on a date with you.

 

Lots of girls would feel uncomfortable being hit up on the street by some random dude they don’t know. Especially if the guy is consistent and won’t leave them alone.

 

 

I can only see cold approach working if the guy is fairly attractive and he has very good charisma but even then, you’ll still get rejected a lot. And considering you’re a 30 something year old virgin ZA Dater, you’re probably not super attractive and charming so you’re probably wasting your time trying to cold approach. Lots of girls will be creeped out by weird average/homely looking dudes trying to hit them up trying to ask for their number.

[ZA Dater]

It is not that you didn't fit in, you CHOSE not to fit in.

You are still choosing not to fit in...

 

Correct but having said that I never fitted in pretty much from day 1, I just embraced that as I went along.

 

I don't regret not fitting in, I just think its rather sad that being different is seen as a disease in a conformist society hell bent on conforming without questioning.

 

My motto at the moment is to greet/try have one random conversation a day, no particular reason for doing this but simply because I can.

[Foxhall]

Good logical post there by Guitar Guy,

 

However as Za Dater has pointed out before it is good to challenge logic and conformity and not be hostage to it,

 

Personally my three philosophies on this are

 

1- Talk to women- most of them are nice enough generally-single women are looking for connection- they want to meet a guy and get naked both physically and emotionally with him.

Cold approaches are good in the sense they will help get over the fear of talking to women even if they do not result in actually clicking with someone.

 

2- Spread the net wider-look beyond women from your own country and seek out foreign women.

 

3- Be open to dating single mothers.

[jspice]

I don’t think it’s fair to keep suggesting single mothers as a dating alternative here. He doesn’t want single mothers so should he try and date them he’d consider this to lowering his standards.

 

I don’t want anybody to lower their standards to date me. These women would already start with a major strike against them.

 

All over this board people suggest:

 

Date Asian women

Date Russian women

Date single mothers

Date overweight women

 

Just no.

So you can’t get a woman you want, go for these women who will be grateful you’re granting them the opportunity.

 

Single mothers have standards too.

[Cersei]

I got a cold approach from a guy last week.

It was at work. I talk friendly to everyone there, male or female, young or old, attractive or not. So I don't even know what I said to him to get his attention. The dude asked me when nobody was around "Cersei, would you want to meet up for coffee some time?"

 

It caught me completely off guard and I said "sure!" I go out with friends for coffee all the time so i thought nothing of it. But then I remembered that I think I might have a boyfriend. Lol

 

In any case, once I realized what I agreed to I was very flattered and felt really confident. I was really impressed with the balls this guy had to ask me like that! Very sexy!

 

I say do the cold approach thing. You have nothing to lose by it. It will impress the right girl.

[jspice]

There is nothing wrong about dating a single mother.

Don't even act like they are a "step down" or anything

of the sort. You don't know if they lost a spouse or

what their situation is.

 

Nowhere did I say I believe that dating single mothers is a step down. Did you see me write “single mothers have standards”? I’m saying the exact opposite of what you read.

[chillii]

I got a cold approach from a guy last week.

It was at work. I talk friendly to everyone there, male or female, young or old, attractive or not. So I don't even know what I said to him to get his attention. The dude asked me when nobody was around "Cersei, would you want to meet up for coffee some time?"

 

It caught me completely off guard and I said "sure!" I go out with friends for coffee all the time so i thought nothing of it. But then I remembered that I think I might have a boyfriend. Lol

 

In any case, once I realized what I agreed to I was very flattered and felt really confident. I was really impressed with the balls this guy had to ask me like that! Very sexy!

 

I say do the cold approach thing. You have nothing to lose by it. It will impress the right girl.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ya see though , this was often the stuff women would say.

Because she gets an ego boost and admires him for being so keen on her he asks , meanwhile he walks away with nothin because she has a bf or just says sorry no thanks or whatever while she's still tellin all her friends about it wks later and feelin just dandy with herself.

l don't blame guys one bit for not approaching a woman in that way , we even get to hear them laughing about the desperado that asked her out sometimes.

Edited October 17, 2019 by chillii

[some_username1]

There is nothing wrong about dating a single mother.

Don't even act like they are a "step down" or anything

of the sort. You don't know if they lost a spouse or

what their situation is.

 

There is if you want kids. There obviously isn’t much tangible data on this, so I can only speak from what I have seen on Bumble where women are invited to select their parental status, it is conspicuous the number of women who are <33 and have ticked the “have and don’t want more” box. They are the vast majority so the chances of meeting a woman open to having more kids with you are slim. So imo, they are to be avoided only if you are a man who wants them yourself. Horses for courses etc.

[elaine567]

I have no idea if ZA Dater wants or doesn't want his own kids but I know he certainly doesn't want anyone else's or to have to deal with the baggage of ex's.

It is not an uncommon attitude in single people.

Being a step parent is a big deal, not everyone wants to be one, especially with no prior parenting experience..

[chillii]

There is nothing wrong about dating a single mother.

Don't even act like they are a "step down" or anything

of the sort. You don't know if they lost a spouse or

what their situation is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rarely is they've lost a spouse though.

And no it's be a huge difference dating a single mother . If he is free and doesn't have stray kids running around everywhere he's got every right to not want to date one and expect her to have a clean slate too just like he has. Only thing is the older he hets the harder that is to find.

Not to mention he'll be dealing with ex's, someone else's child, she won't have time or freedom and if he wants to start a family he has to deal with all that too.

No way if l was 20s' 30s , with a clean slate and wanting to start a family would l consider someone that's already in all that, myself.

l mean it's different at my age , 50s just about anyone is divorced and has a kid but even then l insisted on none or one only , max, like me, for 20 reasons.

Edited October 17, 2019 by chillii

[basil67]

I got a cold approach from a guy last week.

The dude asked me when nobody was around "Cersei, would you want to meet up for coffee some time?"

 

OK, I'm confused. I've always thought that a cold approach involved going up to a stranger and asking them on a date. What you've just described is what I would call "asking someone you know on a date"

 

I'd be interested in how others view the definition of 'cold approach'

[Gretchen12]

Classmates, extra curricular activities, parties etc aren't cold approach because you've already been introduced, collaborate on projects, share the same desk, play in the same team. Even the street library is isn't cold because it's designed with the intention of connecting people.

 

Cold approach is going up to a random person and starting a conversation completely unexpectedly

 

Basil67, I consider cold approach to be anytime you have not been introduced. So to me, going up to a classmate is considered cold approach because usually the teacher doesn't go around the room introducing everyone personally. It takes the same confidence to go to someone in class and introduce yourself as it does to start talking to someone in line at starbucks. Except in class if you get embarrassed you still have to keep seeing that person.

 

Haven't you been to events and parties where you see young people alone and they're unable to mingle? That's because they don't feel comfortable approaching someone without being introduced. If you're hosting, you'd help by introducing them. But often people are on their own at public events.

 

Notice I said young people :-) Old people don't care, they talk to anybody. As I get older, the men (also older) who chat me up are pretty smooth.

[elaine567]

A cold approach is where one strikes up a conversation with a total stranger, someone you have no social connection with.

I would not consider a classmate a total stranger, nor a friend of a friend of a friend or someone at a party, as there is usually some connection, some frame of reference.

He's Tim's cousin... she is Jessica's roommate... she lives next door to my coworker.

NOT total strangers.

[Cersei]

OK, I'm confused. I've always thought that a cold approach involved going up to a stranger and asking them on a date. What you've just described is what I would call "asking someone you know on a date"

 

I'd be interested in how others view the definition of 'cold approach'

 

Well I never knew this person at all. It was a customer I had never seen before.

[basil67]

My bad, I thought that him knowing your name meant that he knew you. I now assume you were wearing a name tag