Girl Pulled Away Due to Stress

[BatmansBff]

I think that if you are in a relationship and your presence is causing them stress then it isn't the right relationship.

There are plenty of medical students in relationships so I think she is just getting out of one she isn't fulfilled in.

 

Have you thought about the idea that she has lined up another guy ? many women don't leave a relationship without having another lined up.

 

Hey thanks for the reply! I doubt she has another guy lined up, but at this point I guess it doesn’t even matter.

 

From how I see it I don’t think it’s really anything more than just the stress and poor timing (trying to start a relationship going into her final year).

 

BUT even if there was another guy that would actually make this a little easier on my end. At least that would’ve provided some certainty. Either way I see now that I can’t do anything else here. So I’ll go NC and let the cards fall how they will.

[ExpatInItaly]

I did know a bit about her relationship history. From what she told me they weren’t great and the last one ended poorly when she found out about the guy lying about a variety of things.

 

Do you know how long ago that last one ended?

[BatmansBff]

Do you know how long ago that last one ended?

 

I don’t know exactly but I have good reason to believe it was less than 2 months before we started going for our first dates. So I guess the reality is I may have been nothing more than a rebound.

 

There was a point acouple months in that she told me about how she wasn’t really looking to date when we started but that we connected and afterwards didn’t think that she would’ve liked someone so much. She regularly mentioned how lucky she felt to have found me.

 

At this point I’m just going to do the NC thing though, I realize now that this is totally out of my control and I should just try and heal instead of holding out hope.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don’t know exactly but I have good reason to believe it was less than 2 months before we started going for our first dates. So I guess the reality is I may have been nothing more than a rebound.

 

This is why I asked, to be honest.

 

The first thing that came to mind when I read your initial post was that perhaps an ex has resurfaced in her life, or she was too soon out of a relationship to date anyone seriously.

[BatmansBff]

This is why I asked, to be honest.

 

The first thing that came to mind when I read your initial post was that perhaps an ex has resurfaced in her life, or she was too soon out of a relationship to date anyone seriously.

 

I think this may have been a large contributing factor. I’m confident the ex is out of the picture forsure. But she had mentioned her uncertainty with how fast we were moving. That was awhile ago though and she expressed that despite the uncertainty she couldn’t imagine giving up seeing me. That was maybe a little more than a month before the events of my OP.

[schlumpy]

That was awhile ago though and she expressed that despite the uncertainty she couldn’t imagine giving up seeing me. That was maybe a little more than a month before the events of my OP.

 

It's just words that are tied to the emotion of the moment and not to actions. I think she has shown you just how much her words mean.

 

If you happen to start over with someone else don't let your EX drag you back into her orbit. EXes sometimes will get upset if the SO they dumped moves on too soon.

[BatmansBff]

It's just words that are tied to the emotion of the moment and not to actions. I think she has shown you just how much her words mean.

 

If you happen to start over with someone else don't let your EX drag you back into her orbit. EXes sometimes will get upset if the SO they dumped moves on too soon.

 

You’re right, and I didn’t look at things that way.

 

I won’t be needing to worry about the second part though. I need time to myself and despite her being in a very stressful situation so am I and this year can be a make or break for me professionally. I’ll be relocating for work in the spring and will have a fresh start. (Unfortunately it’s to a major city where she’ll be going as well)

[fromheart]

It's completely over, I'm sorry to have to say this. The only thing to do is tell her that you're interested in her romantically but not interested in friendship. Then complete NC, unless she reaches out to you.

 

Work on yourself, pursue other women.

 

Never pour your heart out, it just confirms their lowered attraction for you.

[BatmansBff]

It's completely over, I'm sorry to have to say this. The only thing to do is tell her that you're interested in her romantically but not interested in friendship. Then complete NC, unless she reaches out to you.

 

Work on yourself, pursue other women.

 

Never pour your heart out, it just confirms their lowered attraction for you.

 

Ya, I’ve accepted that I can’t do anything at this point and have decided to do NC. It sucks, but I’ve been through it before and know in acouple months it’ll just be details of the past.

[Miss Spider]

Wow, in on this. Going through the exact same thing, except I am the girl. I am in an intense medical program and I am constantly stressing that I’m not making my bf happy, so last night I told him that he deserves someone who can and we should take a step back. I want you to know that sometimes “it’s not you, it’s me” is applicable and the stress and pressure of dating when you have other priorities and drive a person to madness even if you love them. Most people want to be the best partner they can be when they are in a committed relationship, so when they can’t be that to their standards, they aren’t happy

[scooby-philly]

Wow, in on this. Going through the exact same thing, except I am the girl. I am in an intense medical program and I am constantly stressing that I’m not making my bf happy, so last night I told him that he deserves someone who can and we should take a step back. I want you to know that sometimes “it’s not you, it’s me” is applicable and the stress and pressure of dating when you have other priorities and drive a person to madness even if you love them. Most people want to be the best partner they can be when they are in a committed relationship, so when they can’t be that to their standards, they aren’t happy

 

Just had my gf of close to two years dump me 6 weeks ago stating a similar situation...but 5 days later was back on the dating site where we met looking for someone else. This is complete bull. If you love someone it doesn't matter. There will always be stress, there will always be commitments. What will happen when two adults are working, have careers, kids, pets, a mortgage, a home to take care of. It's not always rosy and fun. Don't use "busy" as an excuse. Either you invested in it or you're not.

[BatmansBff]

Wow, in on this. Going through the exact same thing, except I am the girl. I am in an intense medical program and I am constantly stressing that I’m not making my bf happy, so last night I told him that he deserves someone who can and we should take a step back. I want you to know that sometimes “it’s not you, it’s me” is applicable and the stress and pressure of dating when you have other priorities and drive a person to madness even if you love them. Most people want to be the best partner they can be when they are in a committed relationship, so when they can’t be that to their standards, they aren’t happy

 

Thank you for the comment, I think you have a better idea of the situation than the people saying “theres probably another guy” etc.

 

So far I don’t see any other options besides respecting her wishes.

 

I hope your situation works out, all I can offer you is to believe your boyfriend if he says that he’s okay with seeing you less. I can understand the aspect of her wanting to be able to give a relationship the effort it deserves, but from the other side it hurts knowing that someone doesn’t want to try and make things work even though they care.

 

I know for me I’m less concerned about the short term, so I just want to be supportive, but I understand a relationship goes two ways and just because one person is okay with “less” the other may not.

[d0nnivain]

Sometimes I need space is code for I want to break up but I'm too much of a wimp to actually say those words so I will try to sugar coat it as I fade away.

 

Sometimes it is I only have X hours per week for you & I hope you are OK with less time.

 

Coloring this for the girl in your post, she has a vision of what a relationship looks like, how much time the couple should spend together etc. She cannot meet her own expectations at this point. Thus she thinks she is being unfair to you.

 

Whichever it is, none of it is within your control nor can you fix it.

 

I think your plan to focus on your upcoming relocation is the best idea.

[scooby-philly]

Sometimes I need space is code for I want to break up but I'm too much of a wimp to actually say those words so I will try to sugar coat it as I fade away.

 

Sometimes it is I only have X hours per week for you & I hope you are OK with less time.

 

Coloring this for the girl in your post, she has a vision of what a relationship looks like, how much time the couple should spend together etc. She cannot meet her own expectations at this point. Thus she thinks she is being unfair to you.

 

Whichever it is, none of it is within your control nor can you fix it.

 

I think your plan to focus on your upcoming relocation is the best idea.

 

Bolded the part that just happened to me. There's no reason why two people in love can't make things work. I said in response to someone else's reply here - anyone who says otherwise is just b.s.'ing you. Sure, maybe they're still in love but they have this "romantic" notion of what a relationship should be like, but that's not fair to you - because if they loved you as much as they said, they'd be okay with it being lopsided a bit for a while because they know you loved them. Anything else is just horse crap. Period. And more often than not, it's an easy excuse for them to cut and run.

[BatmansBff]

Sometimes I need space is code for I want to break up but I'm too much of a wimp to actually say those words so I will try to sugar coat it as I fade away.

 

Sometimes it is I only have X hours per week for you & I hope you are OK with less time.

 

Coloring this for the girl in your post, she has a vision of what a relationship looks like, how much time the couple should spend together etc. She cannot meet her own expectations at this point. Thus she thinks she is being unfair to you.

 

Whichever it is, none of it is within your control nor can you fix it.

 

I think your plan to focus on your upcoming relocation is the best idea.

 

Thank you for your reply, I do appreciate it and agree with what you say. It’s out of my control so I just need to focus on myself.

[Miss Spider]

Just had my gf of close to two years dump me 6 weeks ago stating a similar situation...but 5 days later was back on the dating site where we met looking for someone else. This is complete bull. If you love someone it doesn't matter. There will always be stress, there will always be commitments. What will happen when two adults are working, have careers, kids, pets, a mortgage, a home to take care of. It's not always rosy and fun. Don't use "busy" as an excuse. Either you invested in it or you're not.

 

But that’s like, your opinion, man.. you’re saying it’s impossible to genuinely like someone, while at the same time know you can’t be in a committed relationship them, at least in that moment; but I have (am) experienced that so I know it happens. I’m not the only one on Earth I’m sure. There are points in a person’s life they cannot be in a relationship and stuff like “love will move mountains to be with you” is romantic and stuff... but it’s impractical. Also, I’m not saying in your particular situation I know your girl was telling the truth, but to be on the dating app later is not necessarily inconsistent with what she said. She can be looking for casual dates. Who knows.

[d0nnivain]

No matter how busy you are there is time for a committed relationship. You just have to prioritize. Busy has been an easy excuse.

 

When I met my husband I had just opened my own business; I had a PT job; I served as a trustee on 3 boards of directors & I was the primary caregiver to my ailing parents. My husband had a FT job, a PT job & was going to school FT. Still we managed to make it work.

 

In scooby-philly's example it was clear that what his EX said to him about being too busy was an excuse because she clearly had the time to go on line again searching for a new romance.

 

People would be better off if they said the truth: this just isn't working for me. Why doesn't have to be discussed but make it clear you want out & don't hide behind some external factor. Because most of the time the truth is I don't care enough to make room in my busy schedule. It's the false hope that I'm railing against.

[Miss Spider]

I understand what you guys are saying, but what I mean is that not everyone prioritizes their love life at any given point in time. Someone may want to get all their professional ducks in a row before they commit themselves to a relationship so that they feel comfortable/secure in one. It can be applicable to anything though, like their mental health etc. I just think blanket stating she’s lying is wrong because I have been in the shoes where the timing is off even though I’m really into the person. I’m not saying, batmanbff, you should hold on or wait, but that you should not assume it’s because she’s lying and wants to be with someone else etc.

Edited October 7, 2019 by Cookiesandough

[BatmansBff]

I understand what you guys are saying, but what I mean is that not everyone prioritizes their love life at any given point in time. Someone may want to get all their professional ducks in a row before they commit themselves to a relationship so that they feel comfortable/secure in one. It can be applicable to anything though, like their mental health etc. I just think blanket stating she’s lying is wrong because I have been in the shoes where the timing is off even though I’m really into the person. I’m not saying, batmanbff, you should hold on or wait, but that you should not assume it’s because she’s lying and wants to be with someone else etc.

 

I appreciate your input because I’m confident it’s not another guy or something along those lines. There are multiple factors at play but I have enough experience and am perceptive enough to determine this.

 

Thank you for your thoughts. I’m not going to hold on or wait because I know that can easily mean waiting forever, but I know different situations happen and I can at least be happy knowing there isn’t any maliciousness at play here.

[scooby-philly]

I understand what you guys are saying, but what I mean is that not everyone prioritizes their love life at any given point in time. Someone may want to get all their professional ducks in a row before they commit themselves to a relationship so that they feel comfortable/secure in one. It can be applicable to anything though, like their mental health etc. I just think blanket stating she’s lying is wrong because I have been in the shoes where the timing is off even though I’m really into the person. I’m not saying, batmanbff, you should hold on or wait, but that you should not assume it’s because she’s lying and wants to be with someone else etc.

 

Apologies as I was a bit angry earlier. Look, I'm not saying everyone who says "I need space" is lying. They may need it for a variety of reasons such as mental health as you described. But if people truly love each other they can work things out. Marriage - which is the ultimate end of a relationship - even if you don't want that "label" - isn't all sunny blue skies and green grass and roses. But if you can't figure out a mental way to make things work now that you're both agreeable with, sure, no reason to make the one feel exhausted and the other disappointed. But it's a false perception to think you can't have one when you have x,y,z going on. Cause what will happen when you have kids? When you're both working? When one of you gets sick? Now granted, the OP said, I believe, they were seeing each other for 3 months, so that's less of a commitment than 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, etc., But i've seen committed people work through a lot more than busy schedules.

 

And it is worth noting that a lot of people use b.s. excuses like that to avoid real conversations so while that may not be the case here per se, the OP should be wary of waiting around and should take her initiative and move on.

[BatmansBff]

Apologies as I was a bit angry earlier. Look, I'm not saying everyone who says "I need space" is lying.

 

Thanks for following up your other posts because they did come

Off quite negative. I totally agree with your point I just don’t think it’s applicable to my situation. My ex was dealing with a lot of stuff besides me and school and I honestly can’t blame her for not wanting to make the effort for something so new, if we had been together for like 6+ months then I think it would be fair to say that it’s just a cop out, or the easy to too excuse.

Edited October 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[scooby-philly]

Thanks for following up your other posts because they did come

Off quite negative. I totally agree with your point I just don’t think it’s applicable to my situation. My ex was dealing with a lot of stuff besides me and school and I honestly can’t blame her for not wanting to make the effort for something so new, if we had been together for like 6+ months then I think it would be fair to say that it’s just a cop out, or the easy to too excuse.

 

And that's the bottom line - 3 months in it's fair to say that, but I just hope for her it's the truth because nothing is worse then finding out someone lied to you. And for you - good thing you can accept it.

[BatmansBff]

And that's the bottom line - 3 months in it's fair to say that, but I just hope for her it's the truth because nothing is worse then finding out someone lied to you. And for you - good thing you can accept it.

 

Totally. I never mentioned in the OP but I was originally friends with her sister (not super close but in the same circle), and based off knowing her family I’m pretty confident in the character of her.

 

I’m just hurt and frustrated, but when I was younger I was dumped from a 5 year relationship that left me seriously ****ed up for a while, that’s why I’m able to accept the reality, as much as I’d rather not.

 

Thanks for the input tho!

[scooby-philly]

Totally. I never mentioned in the OP but I was originally friends with her sister (not super close but in the same circle), and based off knowing her family I’m pretty confident in the character of her.

 

I’m just hurt and frustrated, but when I was younger I was dumped from a 5 year relationship that left me seriously ****ed up for a while, that’s why I’m able to accept the reality, as much as I’d rather not.

 

Thanks for the input tho!

 

i feel your pain. My last relationship, while not perfect, omg - i thought it was the one. it's been 6.5 weeks and even tonight I'm still crying. I realize, mentally, that I can't love or wait for someone who doesn't love themselves and who doesn't love me enough to be honest with me and who doesn't want to build a relationship with me. And while I know I'm not "regressing" and that I'll eventually feel better, move on, and find someone else - it doesn't erase the hole in my heart or stop me from wanting to break NC and beg and plead for her. So I will let the pain come, I will accept it, I will let it pass, and I will move on with my night and with my life.

[BatmansBff]

i feel your pain. My last relationship, while not perfect, omg - i thought it was the one. it's been 6.5 weeks and even tonight I'm still crying. I realize, mentally, that I can't love or wait for someone who doesn't love themselves and who doesn't love me enough to be honest with me and who doesn't want to build a relationship with me. And while I know I'm not "regressing" and that I'll eventually feel better, move on, and find someone else - it doesn't erase the hole in my heart or stop me from wanting to break NC and beg and plead for her. So I will let the pain come, I will accept it, I will let it pass, and I will move on with my night and with my life.

 

I feel for you man, I remember days where I couldn’t eat, time where I would literally throw up because I couldn’t keep food down. I can promise it does pass.

 

What I found was huge for me was reconnecting with the things I used to love but let fade away.(this detail will make me totally identifiable if anyone I know reads this) but I moved across the country and lived in whistler for years. Growing up I loved skiing and biking, so I did that. I finished the phase of school I was in and moved, no job lined up, no where to live, no car, no family, or friends around, $1000 in my bank account, enough to buy some food and pay one months rent lol.

 

And I lived. I did the things I wanted.

 

Put yourself first and keep your head up man, put effort into the things you love and it’ll make your pain a little more bearable, and eventually it will be gone.