Is there anything I can possibly do?

[Marissa-Cath]

My ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. He told me I was too clingy, was too needy, and he’s started to have feelings for someone else. Me, having that fight-flight response, I begged for a few days. Eventually, I stopped begging, and I made a great decision. I decided to go no contact. This went on for a week and he missed me, was worried, and I was improving myself. I made a terrible decision of telling my friend I went no contact and she told him why I was ignoring him. He was pissed that I’d make him feel that way just to get him back. If I never told my friend, this would’ve worked. However, the whole situation with that made me seem more desperate, manipulative, and almost like a liar. He was mad at me but I unfortunately agreed to be friends. He would nonstop talk about his new girlfriend. I decided to go no contact again after that because it wasn’t healthy for me to just be friends with him. Then, one day, he found out I was talking about making him break up with his new girlfriend even though I wasn’t actually going to do that. He does not trust me, has completely gotten over me, and doesn’t even want to be my friend anymore. He wonders now why he even wanted to marry me. What do I do now?

[ExpatInItaly]

There is nothing more to do now.

 

It was over when he left for someone else, OP. Everything after that just reinforced his decision.

 

All you can do now is work on accepting that the relationship is over, so you can finally let go too.

[Maddie82]

To be honest, i can see why he doesn't trust you. Talking about making him break up with his GF is crazy behavior. On the NC thing, he broke up with you and has no right to be pissed at you for wanting to move on and improve yourself, if that's what you actually intended to do, but it wasn't was it. You did it to get him to miss you and worry about you.

 

What exactly are you trying to achieve by all this anyway? He has a new gf 3 weeks after breaking up with you. That should tell you that he hasnt been invested in your relationship for a long time.

[Marissa-Cath]

To be honest, i can see why he doesn't trust you. Talking about making him break up with his GF is crazy behavior. On the NC thing, he broke up with you and has no right to be pissed at you for wanting to move on and improve yourself, if that's what you actually intended to do, but it wasn't was it. You did it to get him to miss you and worry about you.

 

What exactly are you trying to achieve by all this anyway? He has a new gf 3 weeks after breaking up with you. That should tell you that he hasnt been invested in your relationship for a long time.

 

 

Yes, it is crazy behavior. I am disappointed in myself because I had a chance with him since he wasn’t completely over it at first. What I should’ve done was cut off contact with him and anyone he personally knew after him initiating the breakup. Then, he’d have time to reflect on his decision instead of me pushing his opinion to no regret of breaking up with me and making him resent me as a person. I should’ve thought before I acted after the breakup. I handled it incorrectly. I was trying to achieve making him realize that he lost something when he broke up with me. However, it made him seem as if he gained something because of what I did.

 

He was very invested in our relationship. He just thought it was becoming toxic, so he broke up with me. He loved me but he thought it simply wasn’t good for him. He cried and told me how difficult it was breaking up with me. The new girl was originally a rebound.

 

Now, all I want to achieve is his trust again and the bond we used to have. I think it may be too late, though. He feels very hurt and betrayed by me. I apologized to him and admitted my mistakes, but he still doesn’t exactly forgive me. We went from being inseparable best friends to enemies.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you're still in quite a lot of denial, OP, and projecting your feelings on to him.

 

He wasn't invested anymore if he developed feelings for someone else and broke up with you. Yes, he probably felt bad for hurting you but he ultimately wanted to be free to pursue another person rather than keep you on the hook any longer. That wasn't a rebound; that was someone he was genuinely interested in and wanted to date. A rebound is generally what the broken-hearted dumpee seeks out, looking for just about anyone to fill the painful void their ex left behind. That isn't what happened here though, based on your own description.

 

Sure, he was invested at one point, but his feelings changed. They changed to the point of no longer wanting to continue the relationship. It's not fun, but it happens. Dumpees often hang on to that memory earlier happiness as proof that their dumper must still feel something too, but fail to really acknowledge that feelings can change and interest can fade.

 

The truth is that going No Contact didn't make a difference to the final outcome. He was already gone and no longer in love. It sounds like he was worried about you, though, and I have to wonder if you have previously shared some dark thoughts with him that would have provoked such a strong reaction to you going silent on him. Did he have legitimate reason to worry about your well-being?

[Maddie82]

Yes, it is crazy behavior.

He was very invested in our relationship. He just thought it was becoming toxic, so he broke up with me. The new girl was originally a rebound.

 

Now, all I want to achieve is his trust again and the bond we used to have. I think it may be too late, though. He feels very hurt and betrayed by me.

 

Why did he think it was toxic? How do you know this girl was a rebound? That obviously wasn't the case. Sounds like he already knew and had a connection with this girl before he broke up with you.

 

Unfortunately it doesn't look like you will ever have that bond or his trust again after all that.

[Marissa-Cath]

I think you're still in quite a lot of denial, OP, and projecting your feelings on to him.

 

He wasn't invested anymore if he developed feelings for someone else and broke up with you. Yes, he probably felt bad for hurting you but he ultimately wanted to be free to pursue another person rather than keep you on the hook any longer. That wasn't a rebound; that was someone he was genuinely interested in and wanted to date. A rebound is generally what the broken-hearted dumpee seeks out, looking for just about anyone to fill the painful void their ex left behind. That isn't what happened here though, based on your own description.

 

The only action he took that made him be considered uninvested was that. A day before that, he was working on a gift for me he was planning to give me on our next anniversary. He didn’t just feel bad, he was bawling his eyes out. It did seem like he wanted to be free to pursue something with someone else, though.

 

No contact would of made a difference if I wasn’t forced to contact him by one of his friends. He was very worried. Heck, he even contacted my family members and close friends. I did share some dark thoughts with him, but I shouldn’t have. That’s wrong to do if you’re communicating after a breakup. You should talk about the breakup instead of flipping out. Did he have a legitimate reason to? If he was completely over it, wouldn’t he just quit talking in general?

Edited October 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Marissa-Cath]

Why did he think it was toxic? How do you know this girl was a rebound? That obviously wasn't the case. Sounds like he already knew and had a connection with this girl before he broke up with you.

 

Unfortunately it doesn't look like you will ever have that bond or his trust again after all that.

 

He thought i was toxic because I was clingy, needy, and constantly complained. What I do not understand is why he couldn’t of communicated with me about these issues while we were still in a relationship.

 

He did not know the girl personally before breaking up with me. They worked together but he didn’t start communicating with her until after the breakup.

 

Also, about the bond or trust, you’re probably right. He can’t hold a grudge against me for it forever, though. It doesn’t exactly mean we will have it again for me even if he does forgive me.

[schlumpy]

He thought i was toxic because I was clingy, needy, and constantly complained.

 

Is that who you are Marissa? When you look in the mirror do you see a clingy, needy, complaining harpy staring back at you? Do your friends tell you that these qualities are what their friendships with you are all about? It's what they like the best about being with you - your neediness.

 

If not, then consider that it may well have been his treatment of you that led to these behaviors. A new guy that hugs you when you need it or has a kind word for you when he sees you are not in the best mood may elicit a different you.

 

Just as some people bring out the best in us, some bring out the worst.

[preraph]

Well, you stop trying to get him back and let him go. If you really are that clingy, then you have some work to do before you can have a happy relationship, so maybe get in therapy. Find out why you're that needy/clingy. Sometimes just knowing why will make you start amending your behavior. It's not a quick fix.

 

Otherwise face it he's not the right guy for you and you'll have to get some guy who is also clingy and you two can glom onto each other til your heart's content, and I pray you don't make each other lose their jobs from texting and distracting each other at work.

 

No contact isn't to get someone back. It's to stop focusing on that person so you can move on, and it includes blocking them from being able to see your social media or contacting you and it includes you not looking at their social media or contacting them.

[Rayce]

I agree with schlumpy... some people just bring out the worst in others. I am sorry that you are hurting. I think its ok to discuss things with your friends about someone that you care about.... a bf, a spouse, a child or another friend. Bounce ideas and what have you. I am not sure why your friend decided to break your confidence. I wouldn't trust her again.

[Marissa-Cath]

Is that who you are Marissa? When you look in the mirror do you see a clingy, needy, complaining harpy staring back at you? Do your friends tell you that these qualities are what their friendships with you are all about? It's what they like the best about being with you - your neediness.

 

If not, then consider that it may well have been his treatment of you that led to these behaviors. A new guy that hugs you when you need it or has a kind word for you when he sees you are not in the best mood may elicit a different you.

 

Just as some people bring out the best in us, some bring out the worst.

 

When I look in the mirror, I do not see that. My friends do not see it, either.

 

He treated me in a way that made me feel very comfortable and close to him. He was clingy towards me too, in fact. He was always there for me regardless of what I felt. When I was sad, he patiently listened. However, it got annoying where I was whining about something every second of the day.

 

Anyways, what’s your response to the rest of the situation I mentioned?

[Marissa-Cath]

I agree with schlumpy... some people just bring out the worst in others. I am sorry that you are hurting. I think its ok to discuss things with your friends about someone that you care about.... a bf, a spouse, a child or another friend. Bounce ideas and what have you. I am not sure why your friend decided to break your confidence. I wouldn't trust her again.

 

I shouldn’t of told her anything, since she shouldn’t be involved in the first place. However, since I did make the wrong choice to tell her things, I’d expect her to at least be able to keep a secret for me since she’s my friend. She made my ex hate me.

[Maddie82]

She made my ex hate me.

 

No YOU made your ex hate you. This was your doing. Not hers. You orchestrated the NC and the 'breaking up his new relationship' thing. You can't blame your friend fir that.

[schlumpy]

Anyways, what’s your response to the rest of the situation I mentioned?

 

NC is used by the dumpee to recover. Sometimes it results in reconciliation but that's not the reason to implement it. You used it as a scheme. You also schemed to break him up. Whether you would or not is besides the point. If you had the opportunity you might have done it.

 

I'll give you a pass on those things IF this is the first time you've done something like that. If not, then stand in the corner for 15 minutes and promise to be a better person in the future.

 

BTW, never be friends with your EX as long as you still have feelings for them. It will keep you from moving on.

 

Now find someone to share your life with.

[Marissa-Cath]

NC is used by the dumpee to recover. Sometimes it results in reconciliation but that's not the reason to implement it. You used it as a scheme. You also schemed to break him up. Whether you would or not is besides the point. If you had the opportunity you might have done it.

 

I'll give you a pass on those things IF this is the first time you've done something like that. If not, then stand in the corner for 15 minutes and promise to be a better person in the future.

 

BTW, never be friends with your EX as long as you still have feelings for them. It will keep you from moving on.

 

Now find someone to share your life with.

 

That was the original reason I implemented it. However, going through no contact made me realize it was so much more than just making him miss me. I felt much better. I should still stand in that corner and promise to be a better person, though. It was still wrong of me.

 

You’re right, being friends with an ex when you still have feelings for them is not right. It was more painful talking to him as a friend, if anything.

[ExpatInItaly]

She made my ex hate me.

 

This tells me that you still don't get it.

 

Your friend didn't make your ex do anything. The way your ex feels about you is on you, not her. You need some ownership here and stop blaming her for the way this turned out.

 

Reading between the lines, it sounds to me like your ex was truly worried you were going to hurt yourself. Did you ever have thoughts like that?

[Marissa-Cath]

This tells me that you still don't get it.

 

Your friend didn't make your ex do anything. The way your ex feels about you is on you, not her. You need some ownership here and stop blaming her for the way this turned out.

 

Reading between the lines, it sounds to me like your ex was truly worried you were going to hurt yourself. Did you ever have thoughts like that?

 

My friend did not have to tell him anything. However, I really should’ve never told my friend anything. That’s on me.

 

He was truly worried about me. I was having thoughts like that.

[Marissa-Cath]

No YOU made your ex hate you. This was your doing. Not hers. You orchestrated the NC and the 'breaking up his new relationship' thing. You can't blame your friend fir that.

 

I shouldn’t of told her anything or got her involved.

[d0nnivain]

What you do now is close the door on this broken chapter in your life.

 

Going forward you learn to keep your own counsel. By that I mean you don't tell your friends intimate details about your relationship or your break up. In the context of your romances, you do not treat SO's like arm chair therapists or sounding boards. You discuss things to death with your BFFs not SOs & even then only non intimate things.

 

NC is not about making people miss you. The silent treatment is emotional manipulation. Don't play those games. To fix things in relationships you communicate & work together to come up with a solution. NC is for preserving your dignity, preventing yourself from chasing after somebody who doesn't want you.

 

Asking for what you want is not clingy or needy. It's setting boundaries & knowing your own worth. It's OK to say I would like to spend more time we you; or I like it when you text me good morning. Needy / clingy is OMG, you never spend any time with me & my life is over if you don't drop everything & attend to my every whim. Especially in a new relationship you need to have a life, outside of the person you are dating. You should be working or going to school; you should have hobbies & interests; you should have friends who take your time. Never make your SO the center of your entire universe, not even a spouse. You have to be a whole well balanced person to have a healthy fulfilling relationship. You don't achieve that in a few weeks by playing games.

[ExpatInItaly]

He was truly worried about me. I was having thoughts like that.

 

I suspect your friend was only trying to put his mind at ease that you had not followed through on any thoughts of harming yourself.

[Rayce]

I shouldn’t of told her anything, since she shouldn’t be involved in the first place. However, since I did make the wrong choice to tell her things, I’d expect her to at least be able to keep a secret for me since she’s my friend. She made my ex hate me.

 

I disagree you did nothing wrong discussing things over with a friend. She wasn't a true friend when she broke your confidence. If you cant discuss things over with a friend then who do you discuss them over with...

[Rayce]

No YOU made your ex hate you. This was your doing. Not hers. You orchestrated the NC and the 'breaking up his new relationship' thing. You can't blame your friend fir that.

 

Her friend with the big friggen mouth sure didn't help. And yeah this is my 1000s post!

[Marissa-Cath]

What you do now is close the door on this broken chapter in your life.

 

Going forward you learn to keep your own counsel.

 

I am not going to talk to friends about this again. They just tell my ex everything. Also, it doesn’t benefit me at all. I benefit from talking to more experienced people.

 

I decided to go no contact again yesterday. Should I tell him I’m doing this and why I’m doing this? Or, should I just continue to do what I am doing. I am confused on why he is reaching out already and saying I don’t care.

Edited October 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Flame Aura]

I am not going to talk to friends about this again. They just tell my ex everything. Also, it doesn’t benefit me at all. I benefit from talking to more experienced people.

 

I decided to go no contact again yesterday. Should I tell him I’m doing this and why I’m doing this? Or, should I just continue to do what I am doing. I am confused on why he is reaching out already and saying I don’t care.

I am going to go against what most others have said as I think you did nothing wrong by going NC. That's exactly what you should have done before, and should do now.

 

You don't need to tell him anything. He made the choice to not have you in his life anymore. He has to live with that decision, he can't have it both ways.

 

If he reaches out do not reply and block him. You do not need him in your life, and certainly not as a 'friend'. That's just for his own selfish benefit.