nottriangle Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 Ex (27f) and I (27m) dated for around a year. Best (but not longest) relationship I’ve had. We never argued, had amazing chemistry and had loads of great times together. She ended it around a month ago as she was having unexplained doubts and getting scared of commitment. I was gutted but respected her decision and didn’t beg etc. We didn’t speak much for a few weeks and then started texting again. Both initiated equally. Eventually I asked if she wanted to catch up for a drink. She was keen and even booked a nice bar for us to go to. We met last weekend and had an amazing evening. Initially just catching up, but then she kissed me. After that we were holding hands, smiling etc all evening. We ended up making out for ages and saying how much we missed each other. We didn’t sleep together, as I said I didn’t want to hook up and go back to being nothing. She understood, but said that we definitely weren’t going back to nothing. She just didn’t want to have a big conversation quite yet. I texted her a couple of days later to say I’d had a great time and wanted to see her again. We’re meeting up again this weekend. The confusion and anxiety is killing me but I feel like I’m so close and really need to give this a shot. 1. Am I being an idiot for thinking we have a chance? 2. How long before I push for a conversation about where things stand? I’m happy to take things slow but don’t want to get strung along. 3. Shall I wait for more signs of commitment before sleeping together again? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 She sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants. I think you need to practice detachment with this one otherwise she’s going to screw with your head bigtime due to her inability to be decisive. And she doesn’t want to talk about it? That’s not good. Communication is very important to the success of a relationship, but I think you already know this. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 Unexplained doubts or an explanation that makes her look bad? Unless she gives you a reasonable explanation as to why she bolted your should consider her a casual relationship and certainly nothing more then FWB. You have to know what you walking into if you want an LTR. If this is short term - then have fun. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 You're not an idiot for wanting this to work, but nothing really changes after a few weeks. If it did, she'd be consistent and would openly communicate with you about how she is feeling, why she had doubts before but she worked through it before coming back, what she wants now... and not be avoiding further conversation just because it relieved some anxiety when she saw you and she doesn't want to ruin that feeling yet. I wouldn't sleep with her again unless the things I just listed start happening, because if they don't, you're going to just be on a roller coaster of her emotionally traumatizing you through ambivalence and indecision that has very little to do with you. If her doubts really were about you and not about herself / lack of emotional maturity, she would have been able to clearly discuss them before making the decision to leave and you'd never have felt blind sided. Feeling blind sided by a sudden change in a long-term relationship is always a big red flag. If you put off sleeping with her and she bails, then in no way should you put it on yourself that you did something wrong and there would have been a different outcome if you jumped back into things. If she was serious about working through this, and you want a real LTR with her on your end, then she'd want to communicate about it and work through what you need for her to regain your trust, and she won't take going slow as rejection. If she remains unsure and playing games, then she did you a favor by breaking up with you in the first place because she's not ready to deal with her pre-existing issues, and that's NOT on you. Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 Also, never fighting with great chemistry can be a red flag of being with a people-pleaser who is never really telling you how they feel and bottles it up until they just leave. Which, again, isn't your fault, and is the sign of a partner who is not ready for a vulnerable, adult relationship. A good partner fights but fairly, and you have the ability to resolve problems together without it threatening the relationship or devolving into disrespect and personal attacks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nottriangle Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 Quick update. We went out again a few nights ago. Had a great night again and she was being really affectionate but I said I needed to know where things stood. She said she wants to start seeing each other again but to take things slow so she can figure out why she got scared last time and avoid it happening again. I said I’m fine with taking things slow and avoiding labels but only want to date if we’re doing it exclusively. I’m going to give her a week or two to think about it and then we’ll meet up and see where things stand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 14, 2019 Share Posted October 14, 2019 I’m going to give her a week or two to think about it and then we’ll meet up and see where things stand. How do you know she's not weighing you against someone else? Sounds as though she could be testing a new relationship, knowing she has you held in reserve... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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