How do I talk to women?

[Wayne0789456]

I went to a speed dating event last week, and am wondering if I am coming across as though I am "interviewing" the women. No matches. My results are similar at singles parties, and online.

 

 

I have high self-confidence. I have no problem finding things to talk about. I can start a conversation with a woman at any time. I often even start conversations with random women on the street. But nothing goes anywhere.

 

 

At speed dating events and singles parties, I often ask about hobbies and interests, and what they like to do for fun. My though process is, if we have some activities and interests in common, then we are at least dateable together, and there is a basis on which we can get to know each other.

 

 

At the speed dating event, many women had to think for a moment about what they are interested in, which made no sense to me. So, in the second half, I started asking a broader question, what do you look for in a man and in a relationship? Some had to think about that one, as well.

 

 

Obviously, my approach is wrong. How should I be presenting myself? How can I leave the impression that I am someone worth getting to know?

 

 

I used to get dates easily but not anymore. Any advice?

[Kitty Tantrum]

As someone who is not very good at talking and often feels put on the spot and struggles with direct questions, the easiest questions to answer are the ones that give some food for thought and set the stage before the actual question is asked.

 

If someone asks "what do you like to do for fun?" my default answer is to scoff a little bit and be like "oh, I don't like fun" or "I like... stuff."

 

But if someone leads with a story about something they like, or something they experienced, or a hypothetical scenario, that gets the gears turning before I get hit with the question mark.

 

I'd say that "likes and looking fors" are also kind of difficult because they're not necessarily concrete, and those sorts of questions can make me feel like someone is trying to dig into my brain faster than I want to give them answers. Especially if they're asking before offering up anything of themselves first.

 

Something more concrete and easier to talk about would be, for example, if someone asks where I grew up and what I liked or hated about it.

[SumGuy]

Agree 100% with what Kitty said.

 

Also my take.

 

As a man when women approach getting to know me that way it feels like a job interview, which is a turn off. However I suspect speed dating is all about that style. To me very inorganic, but there are women who seem to like it or at least do it themselves. Alas, although I pass on and try to avoid such women, I also find they give very vague answers.

 

Here’s the deal for me, people ask such broad questions with no pointers when they don’t want to reveal themselves. Just come out with something specific to start with, warm up to the broad question.

 

For example, instead of asking what music do you like, ask what was your favorite band on high school, it can be more than one.

 

This gives a bit of a safe space to reveal themselves, open up about the present, or discuss a bit about their past or both reminisce about it. Guess doesn't work as well if your in your 20s

[d0nnivain]

How should I be presenting myself? How can I leave the impression that I am someone worth getting to know?

 

 

I used to get dates easily but not anymore. Any advice?

 

Most people freak out any more about communication. People have lost the art of small talk & can't do it.

 

The best thing you can do is try to put others at ease. If you are confident person who can maintain eye contact, dial it back. Most folks can't handle that level of straightforwardness. Modulate your voice to be softer. Do smile. Be warm, gracious & inviting.

 

Most people also can't handle big broad based philosophical questions like "what are your interests?" Instead as somebody else suggested share something about yourself first, like I'm really into ____ {whatever it is you do} & then ask if they have any hobbies.

 

What are they looking for in a man is too direct. No sane woman is going to give you her "list" in a speed dating situation. Just assume every woman wants a man who she thinks is attractive, who has 2 nickels to rub together, who is considerate who won't cheat on her or abuse her. After that it's a matter of does she think you are cute / handsome / attractive.

 

Try to go back to what you did before when you could get dates more easily. Some of it is age & the new adult settings.

[Gretchen12]

If that's the feedback you've gotten, you should tell more and ask less. Some people never ask and that's not good either. If you just ask a lot of questions, at the end of the session, you know more about her, and she knows more about herself. You haven't given her a reason to see you.

Sometimes people advise men to "let her talk". It'll get you through a few dates and she may use you again to sound off, but she won't fall in love with you because you're blank. Instead she goes and falls for the guy who talks about himself.

[Wayne0789456]

Some helpful suggestions on here . I'll respond one at a time.

 

 

The best thing you can do is try to put others at ease. If you are confident person who can maintain eye contact, dial it back. Most folks can't handle that level of straightforwardness. Modulate your voice to be softer. Do smile. Be warm, gracious & inviting.

 

 

I always thought women liked confidence, and liked eye contact as a show of confidence, though what you said makes sense, also. I did find that one of the women at the last speed sating event was rather shy, so I am wondering if I made her even *more* nervous

 

 

One question related to that, if I look away occasionally to break eye contact, like you suggest, how do I do this without appearing nervous myself, which I am not?

 

 

I do smile a lot.

 

 

 

Most people also can't handle big broad based philosophical questions like "what are your interests?" Instead as somebody else suggested share something about yourself first, like I'm really into ____ {whatever it is you do} & then ask if they have any hobbies.

 

 

If that's the feedback you've gotten, you should tell more and ask less. Some people never ask and that's not good either. If you just ask a lot of questions, at the end of the session, you know more about her, and she knows more about herself. You haven't given her a reason to see you.

Sometimes people advise men to "let her talk". It'll get you through a few dates and she may use you again to sound off, but she won't fall in love with you because you're blank. Instead she goes and falls for the guy who talks about himself.

 

 

 

I'll briefly mention about me in real life dating. I like to go slow, start by sharing common interests, just getting to know each other, but at the appropriate time I have a big romantic side that comes out. I ma affectionate, loyal, caring, and empathetic, and can enjoy a night out or a night in.

 

 

Might it be appropriate to start by introducing myself in that way?

 

 

Try to go back to what you did before when you could get dates more easily. Some of it is age & the new adult settings.

 

 

That's just it. I used to be very shy and awkward. One of my college friends helped me create an online profile that I simply reworded into my own words, and it got me a lot of dates. Again, when I was shy and awkward, which is a turn off to women. Self-confidence is supposed to be a turn on, and I have gained that, but now I am not even being given a second look, even though I am more romantic now than then.

[d0nnivain]

Self confidence is the key. You are however transitioning from OLD to real life. I can't help with that. I hated OLD.

 

Anyway, you look them in the eye but don't stare. Flick your gaze around but not too much. You don't want to seem like you're bored. Indirect eye contact is best . . .sort of shy you look down, then up at her, then maybe over her shoulder. It's not a staring contest. Vary your gaze to her lips, her hair, her forehead, maybe an ear, her hands. Do not stare at her chest!

 

Save the I'm such a romantic guy for later. Once you start dating you show her romance make the word a verb. Telling her you are romantic is a bunch of empty words.

 

Be genuine & warm. If you were previously awkward think about things that people did to make you feel more confident.

 

In the sales world the idea is that the buyer controls the interaction: the social space, the pace etc. In dating if you are trying to interest a woman, she's "the buyer" so you take your cues from her. That part is called mirroring.

[preraph]

I don't think there's anything wrong with that at speed dating. You want info.

 

Hey, if someone can't come up with things they're interested in without having to think hard about it, they sound like they aren't interested in much they want to admit to and would be boring and, well, inactive.

 

So I'd pass on those. I mean, I'm 68 and if you asked me, I'd say, my dogs, crime, relaxing in front of the TV.

[alphamale]

you have to leave single women feeling good about themselves. compliment them and lift their spirits. associate yourself with good feelings. if you can do this effectively she'll be putty in your hands

[snowcones]

You used to get women but now you don't? Has your appearance changed?

[basil67]

Always remember that there are two people involved in a conversation. If someone can't hold up their end of the conversation, don't blame yourself. Only question yourself if it's looking like you are the constant.

 

Also, eye contact must have breaks in it or it becomes overwhelming. That said, I have very poor eye contact so I'm grateful to those who don't use heaps of it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Might it be appropriate to start by introducing myself in that way?

 

The only person I know that went to one of these events had more luck talking about the process than himself or the women there. So his questions were more like "what do you think about speed dating?" or "what kind of experiences have you had in OLD?", rather than the old "what are you looking for in a partner?".

 

Something to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

oops, wrong thread.

[elaine567]

what do you look for in a man and in a relationship?

 

What is she supposed to say to that?

"Blond, ripped and 6'4, a Norse God... Oh dear that doesn't seem to be you..."

 

Or

The trite.

"Honest, decent, good sense of humour and is kind to kids, animals and little old ladies.."

 

Then where do you go from there?

How does that initiate a proper conversation?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

A former boss gave me this little trick many years ago.

 

"So what's keeping you busy these days?" Open-ended enough to talk about work, hobbies, or even something funny that happened to them that day.

[preraph]

In speed dating, you just talk very briefly to get some bare facts and then you write who you might be interested to talk to further and if there's matches, then you can exchange info (and maybe some offer for you to do it right there, but I doubt it since you may have more than one match). So it's not about carrying on a conversation but about getting info to see if you're even remotely interested.

[alphamale]

preraph, speed dating is for women in their mid 30s to early 40s who need a husband right quick who will father her children. when you enter the speed dating venue you can hear all the biological clocks ticking away

[Wayne0789456]

Anyway, you look them in the eye but don't stare. Flick your gaze around but not too much. You don't want to seem like you're bored. Indirect eye contact is best . . .sort of shy you look down, then up at her, then maybe over her shoulder. It's not a staring contest. Vary your gaze to her lips, her hair, her forehead, maybe an ear, her hands. Do not stare at her chest!

 

 

If that's right then that seems to be part of my problem. I do not stare at the women, but I am not intimidated holding eye contact. I do not want to appear nervous, nor give the impression that I am less than 100% interested in what they are saying.

 

 

I do not feel invincible by any means, but maybe my self-confidence now is higher than most people. Situations that used to intimidate me do so no longer.

 

 

you have to leave single women feeling good about themselves. compliment them and lift their spirits. associate yourself with good feelings. if you can do this effectively she'll be putty in your hands

 

 

I do that when I find something to compliment. One that's easy, because it's the first thing I see, is something in their appearance. I did compliment a few on their outfits that I liked, "Your outfit is pretty / gorgeous / awesome", whatever word fits. One had her hair in a braided pony tail, which I liked, and said "That's really pretty how you styled your hair". All said thank you with a smile and seemed to appreciate it.

 

 

One common icebreaker in public, by the way, is complimenting them on their outfit if they are wearing something that I like. Provided, of course, that there are no rings on either ring finger.

 

 

I saw a woman stocking bread in one of the grocery stores I shop in with one of those removable braces around her wrist, and asked her what happened to her wrist, and she said she had a little tendonitis. We got into a brief conversation, and she seemed to appreciate my concern. I will see her again, obviously, since she works there, and I can (and often do) pop in that store at any time since I always pass it.

 

 

I am going to another speed dating event Wednesday night. If I may, could I run another introduction to you in the community? "I like to take things slow, start by sharing common interests and getting to know each other, and letting thigns develop as they will. Some of my major interests are A, B, C, and D. What are some of yours?"

 

 

How's that one sound?

[SumGuy]

What’s your goal? What background would they already have on you?

 

I can give advice on suggestions about what works for me to get the kind of women I’m interested in, but you’re not me or may not even be attracted to the women I am. All my advice has to offer is success for me in OLD, that is have no problems getting responses or dates or more...now a LTR with my soul mate that I desire...jury is still out.

 

So all that being said, to me, your intro feels formal and very serious and by the numbers. And if you are looking for same figure it would work. I’ve met women who do a similar intro.

 

You could possibly shorten it and make it less declarative, say you are looking for something long term, not a hook up, so you may appear to take things slow but you believe it is important to connect with someone first. Hoping to find someone with shared values and you could grow to share interests with. I value X and a few things I like to do are Y and Z but open to many things. What about you?...or something like that

 

All I would “avoid” in you being you is a declarative listing I’m interested in X Y and Z as this may be read as they must also into X Y and Z be for it to work instead of an offer of potential overlap which I believe is the intent, again that is just my take on phrasing not content

[Wayne0789456]

What’s your goal? What background would they already have on you?

 

 

They have no information up front. We do not know who is at the events ahead of time. All we can see is a name tag.

 

 

My overall goal is to *eventually* get in to a long term relationship that leads to marriage. I can be very patient with that and take my time. My short term goal is to find a romantic woman to share common interests with. Right now, the major interest is Christmas parades and light shows that will be starting up next month, and to a lesser extent the haunted houses that are going on now.

 

 

Just for background, there are a certain few things that are deal breakers for me if she is not interested in. Like the Christmas parades, for example. If she cannot come with me to some of the events because her work schedule is not flexible enough to allow her to work around that despite her best attempts, that is one thing. If I go by myself because she would rather stay home out of lack of interest, well, that is just like being alone.

 

 

The "right" way to do this seems backwards to me, but I guess I have to deal with it.

[SumGuy]

I don’t think there is a “right” way only ways that work more or less better for what you want.

 

Your response let me know that you see things different than I do. Or maybe not too different, as there are things for me that are essential time together activities (holidays) but I realize getting to that level takes time so there is a risk.

 

On going to haunted houses and parades sounds like fun to me. Here’s my suggestion based on what little I know.

 

It sounds like you like to get out, and don’t want a couch potato. That’s good. I believe many women find that attractive. Can you change your intro to say that, you like to get out and looking for someone the same? Then give the Christmas parade and haunted house as examples? So she doesn’t think you mean clubbing.

On the haunted house, not everyone is into the jump scare. The Christmas parade and lights sounds very romantic though.

[SumGuy]

On the marriage thing I would mention it as you are looking for someone of like mind on this and not just to hook up.

 

Tread carefully on the time to do things, or get away from work example. It could come across as bringing up past hurts.

 

If you find someone who shares the same long term goals and outlook, those day to day thing you’ll only see when going out and if you both click, love can be very. creative in finding time.

[SumGuy]

I think what I’m saying on your approach is to look at your “lists” and abstract out the core value behind it. That core value, getting to know a person first before sex, getting out and doing things, etc is the attractive part, and the truest part. It’s the part you want the person you want to connect with.

 

Certainly mention the specifics as examples, as these show how you put your values into practice.

 

Alas this is also a speed date so seeing if you connect on the big picture is perhaps the most important. I hope it works for you. No idea if speed dating is the venue for finding LTR or just another flavor of the pick up bar.

[Gretchen12]

You should definitely mention something about having a romantic side, but don't dwell on it. You can say you're also looking an activity partner, but don't go into details about any specific event. Don't say "haunted house" twice in the conversation.