Long Distance. How to get him back

[lion123]

This is my first time on here, saw that there are people out there who care and thought I might ask for some help, maybe there is someone who experienced something similar?

 

My ex boyfriend and I met while studying abroad, I still live here, he has moved back home. We kept our relationship going for 1 year because the feelings were strong, our relationship beautiful and there were plans of him coming back here to study more.

 

I visited him twice during our long distance relationship and we kept in touch daily, even talked for hours while apart. He didn't succeed to come here back in June due to Visa-reasons, which made me really depressed and on top of that the fights increased due to his insecurities. A month after the rejection I started having doubts about him actually making it to come here and distanced myself. As a result, he chased me and I broke up with him. During the breakup he blamed me for messing with his feelings and feeling terrible because of me. But soon after he calmed down and he agreed it would be right for us to break up. We agreed that we both want to stay in touch regularly and that we want to see each other again once he comes here.

 

Fast forward 3 months, we kept in touch during this time, also flirted. It felt natural. Everything seemed to be going towards rekindling.

During the last two weeks of our contact he told me though that he feels emotionally exhausted not knowing were we stand.

We had a few disagreements because I missed him and tried to get him to talk more often.

I proceeded to tell him that i miss him and i wish we could be together again.

He said it is not possible from a distance, that he suffered a lot because of me and that he can only imagine having me back as a GF when we both end up in the same country.

I was devastated, cried, asked for forgiveness, begged. He still called me "baby", but he was colder than usual.

I sent him another message a few days later stating that he is right, that we both need time to process things and that in the meantime we should take care of ourselves. I wished him to take good care and said i m happy to hear from him.

He responded positively and said that i am right, and that he is also happy to hear from me, and we never know, what the future holds. He never stopped hoping to get back together, but it can't be the center of his life anymore.

Now I feel like i miss the hell out of him, since we were so similar in everything and shared love. He was my best friend and boyfriend. I m broken beyond words. I decided to do what is best, which is to let things cool down, but i m scared he will decide to move on completely and never look back.

I know i deserve the pain, but i seriously hope we will be back together once he comes here.

Do you think not being in contact will make him lose his feelings?

I don't want to date around neither did i want it this whole period we were talking but broken up, just to be clear. We were very serious about our relationship and our families knew about us.

I couldn't see a future based on the information we had at the time. He would have to apply to come here in February and it is uncertain if he will be accepted. I had two jobs at the time, uni, and my student funds stopped. The tickets to go visit him were extremely expensive and we were still talking pretty much like a couple even after the breakup. So i kept hoping that time will tell and maybe if I found a cheap ticket go visit to make things clear between us. When I finally saw cheaper tickets for October (now) he initially agreed to a visit but then we talked about our breakup and he expressed how upset he still was and that a long distance is out of the question now, since he saw that i can't handle it. I was devastated but couldn't go against his wish...

 

now we haven't talked in a month, with the only exception a week ago, when I told him about a movie he had suggested me a month ago. He filled me in on his life and asked about mine. He told me something about a story i posted on instagram but sincd then nothing.

 

His best friend contacted me yesterday asking me about some information on a flight I had booked in the past, telling me a friend was just curious and couldn't believe how cheap they were. I told his friend about how much i really wanted to visit again (they live together) and asked him not to tell my ex that we talked. I also apologized for the pain I put my ex through. He was sweet and said i am always part of the family and I will always be their friend. He will keep this conversation between us (me and his best friend got along amazingly). The same night my ex watched my story. I share stories of my art and and occasionally selfies. I know it is crazy, but I really hope this means he misses me. I know we look for signs in everything after a breakup, but i still hope he will come here soon and i will have another chance to make this right. I m concentrating on my art as much as I can to heal. But a part of me tells me, there are still feelings from both sides....

Edited October 7, 2019 by lion123

[schlumpy]

I guess we can't help who we fall in love with.

 

If you are in love then the only priority is to be together. One of you will have to sacrifice. If that isn't an option for either of you then I doubt you are in love.

 

I met my wife in Germany when I was in service. When I was discharged she came with me to the states. She speaks fluent English. She was training to be a legal secretary but she sacrificed to be with me. You will have to ask her if it was worth it. It certainly was for me.

 

The point is if you aren't willing to sacrifice and roll the dice then all you really have is a drama play with a love interest. It's not a real relationship. You may as well be reading romance novels.

 

I'm not suggesting you sell everything and row a boat to his country if that's the only way but that you should look at what you are doing in light of what you want for your future.

 

If you want him in your future you have to make the moves to be with him or he has to make the moves to be with you. Nothing else will suffice.

 

My suggestion is to cool this relationship down to the friendship level and perhaps let it go. Find someone more aligned with the goals you have in life that can be with you and you can hold hands with. Someone that can be there for you.

[d0nnivain]

Do you think not being in contact will make him lose his feelings?...

 

Yes. That is the point of NC to blunt the acute pain of loss over time.

 

Yours is the classic embodiment of the cliché: It's better to have loved & loss then never to have loved at all. You had an exotic whirlwind short-lived Romance with the sexy foreigner who lived near you for a time. It was exciting & magical. But now that his program is over & he's gone back home the realities of how insurmountable the distance & the immigration issues are. Hence you applied logic & broke up with him. All the love in the world can't usually cross borders not even in this modern age.

 

I'm sorry for your heartbreak.

[TeddyBundy1993]

I have been in many long distance relationships. I lowkey feel he might have some other girl there. Else nobody goes this cold all of sudden. And when we genuinely have feelings for someone its difficult to spend a week without talking to them. You got right advice go NC on him let him reach you.  In long distance relationships it is important for both parties to have same feelings else things go downhill very fast. If you ask me that man has gone dont wait for him or chase reason why hes gone. Stay NC you'll get him back or get over him

[thecrucible]

Aww that sounds so hard. I agree that no contact is best and you may yet get him back. However keep spending that no contact period focussing on your goals and keeping busy. You may or may not have him back but you will feel better anyway. It's so hard when driven apart by circumstance so I really feel for you.