Wife affair spree is this possible?

[d33f]

Let me introduce myself.

 

I am a 33 yo father of twins diagnosed with higher functioning autism. I went to a therapist to check if I had autism myself when my 4yo boy was diagnosed with autism and (suspecting) ADHD. My wife and I are together for 14 years and have been married for 4 years.

 

The last couple of years are rough since we have our twins. Especially with the special needs of our son and his hyperactivity. Sometimes it is very difficult for me to deal with this especially with his hyperactivity and what it means to be a dad for two kids at once.

 

In the same time I finished my study (software engineering) and went to work for 40 hours a week. This I have been doing for almost 3 years now.

 

Now back to our relationship..

In these 14 years we had our fair share of ups and downs. Survived two affaires she had and of course my own 'traits' that don't make a relationship easy.

 

The reason for her affaires were the fact that she feels that I don't evenly return the love she puts in our relationship and that I don't 'speak' her love language. Furthermore I have computer related stuff / gaming as a hobby (since I was little). Gaming is a way of coping from the day to day struggles and sometimes I really need to sink for 2/3 hours into gaming to recharge my battery.

 

On the other hand she wants that I spend most of my free time with her (logically). We do spend time together (have a movie night here and there and watch some series together before we sleep) or go out with the kids in the weekends. But this is not enough for her while on the other end I really need my coping sometimes.

 

About the love language. Thus far I have learned to tell her that I love her many times a day coupled with a hug and a kiss but she has the feeling that it is not sincere will I do really love her.

 

At the moment she again has the moment that she can't continue on with his relationship because she feels lonely while on the other hand I'm trying (even more than I can take) to be there for her and letting he know and feel that I love her. I can understand that it may not be enough for her but on the other side it's draining me more than I like (work, kids, relationship).

 

I don't know what more can I do? We knows that she can't change me and that makes her even more depressed. In my mind I'm embracing myself for a divorce..

[d0nnivain]

She sounds selfish & self absorbed. Marriage counseling?

[d33f]

She sounds selfish & self absorbed. Marriage counseling?

 

We are going to try but other moments she is certain it won't work. To make the situation even more complicated she is bipolar too . So at the moment I don't really know if she has an episode, is unfaithful or really unhappy.

[d0nnivain]

You can't make somebody else happy. They have to do that themselves.

 

Do you have respite care for your kids . . so they are safe but you can get a break?

[Blind-Sided]

....... but other moments she is certain it won't work. ............

 

 

 

Unfortunately... if she feels that way... then it wont. Sorry to say that, but it take both people wanting it to work... to make it work.

[d33f]

You can't make somebody else happy. They have to do that themselves.

 

Do you have respite care for your kids . . so they are safe but you can get a break?

 

Sadly we don't. Though on the other side she seems like she really needs me and in such situation I don't want to leave her alone. Especially if she is going through an episode.

[mark clemson]

The reason for her affaires were the fact that she feels that I don't evenly return the love she puts in our relationship and that I don't 'speak' her love language. Furthermore I have computer related stuff / gaming as a hobby (since I was little). Gaming is a way of coping from the day to day struggles and sometimes I really need to sink for 2/3 hours into gaming to recharge my battery.

 

 

You sound remarkably calm and collected for a betrayed spouse (BS is the acronym around here). This may have to do with your ASD. At any rate, she may indeed be unhappy over this, but really that is an excuse. You did nothing to deserve an affair. If she was unhappy she should have put effort into the marriage or left.

 

Overall from your post, I do think you need to be prepared for the worst unfortunately. I suspect she has been "checked out" from the marriage for a while now. Almost certainly she was when she had the affairs.

 

She needs to learn to accept that this is how you show love, but it sounds like she's unable to. She also may have additional reasons for leaving that she is being less honest about (such as interest in one of the former affair partners (APs)). Hard to say.

 

Not a good situation.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If you are "sinking for 2/3 hours into gaming to recharge your battery" every night after work (?), that means she's caring for the 4 year old autistic twins alone? Is this correct? Is she also with them all day or does she work outside the home too?

[Blanco]

Cheating is a choice. No one is forced to do it. The fact that she was a repeat offender and still has pinned the impetus of the affair on you, the betrayed one, speaks a lot to her character (or lack thereof).

 

I have a pet theory that if a woman cheats on you multiple times, forgiveness on the guy's part after the first time actually causes her respect for him and the relationship to drop. Such a betrayal once is devastating. For the betrayed spouse to forgive might show love and value of the relationship. But with each subsequent affair and forgiveness, the guy shows how little he actually respects himself. It becomes less about the guy being a forgiving person and more about how he cannot stand up for himself and what's healthy/best for him.

 

Right now, you're seeing the effects of what forgiveness on your part has done. The question you should ask yourself is that for all of the focus that's been put on what she needs and what you must do to meet those needs, what about what you need? What has she done or is she doing to show you that she's there for you in the relationship?

[d33f]

If you are "sinking for 2/3 hours into gaming to recharge your battery" every night after work (?), that means she's caring for the 4 year old autistic twins alone? Is this correct? Is she also with them all day or does she work outside the home too?

 

Let me correct myself I don't game every day. She does not work and indeed is caring for the twins when I'm at work.

 

Furthermore the kids go to pre-school.

[Mr. Lucky]

Survived two affaires she had.

 

I’m curious how you dealt with these affairs as a couple?

 

It takes 3-5 years to truly rebuild a marriage after infidelity, so two affairs means you’d have spent the majority of your time together attempting reconciliation.

 

More info would be helpful...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d33f]

I’m curious how you dealt with these affairs as a couple?

 

It takes 3-5 years to truly rebuild a marriage after infidelity, so two affairs means you’d have spent the majority of your time together attempting reconciliation.

 

More info would be helpful...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

In my case it helper that I knew it happens because of her illness and that she really loved me deep inside and showed remorse.

 

I'll be honest it was still hard especially because it happens twicenwith the same guy (former best friend of me) (10 years ago and 2 years ago). Though the second time it was only an emotional affair.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'll be honest it was still hard especially because it happens twicenwith the same guy (former best friend of me) (10 years ago and 2 years ago). Though the second time it was only an emotional affair.

 

But did you seek counseling, either joint or individual? Read recovery-based books? Require transparency? Take steps to increase intimacy and engagement?

 

If you just "rug swept" this damage to your marriage, not surprising that you're here. And also not surprising, having suffered no real consequences, she'd feel empowered to cheat again - with the same guy.

 

If you're not already there, MC is a must. Much at stake here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d33f]

But did you seek counseling, either joint or individual? Read recovery-based books? Require transparency? Take steps to increase intimacy and engagement?

 

If you just "rug swept" this damage to your marriage, not surprising that you're here. And also not surprising, having suffered no real consequences, she'd feel empowered to cheat again - with the same guy.

 

If you're not already there, MC is a must. Much at stake here...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I have my own counseling and she has hers. But I agree that MC is something we should do to really work on the past and get some closure.

 

At the moment her feelings seem to come back and she told me she missed me today while I was at work. MC is my only option at the moment.

[vla1120]

Definitely go for the marriage counseling. Also, just because you have different love languages does not mean you should adjust to hers. She also needs to adjust to your love language (you know her love language, does she know yours?) It's a two-way street (even if there is a disconnect between the languages.)

 

How often do the two of you get out together alone? Can you try to have a date night at least a couple times per month?

[d33f]

Definitely go for the marriage counseling. Also, just because you have different love languages does not mean you should adjust to hers. She also needs to adjust to your love language (you know her love language, does she know yours?) It's a two-way street (even if there is a disconnect between the languages.)

 

How often do the two of you get out together alone? Can you try to have a date night at least a couple times per month?

 

She thinks that by taking care of the kids and cook for me that she does her part concerning showing her love to me (which I surely appreciate). Sadly we have not gone out together since we have kids. I suggested it a couple of times but she is scared to live the kids alone with someone which she thinks does not know how to handle the kids. Tough last week she went out with her dad because I was at home and she had added a guy on FB that same night. She did not come home and stayed at her dad. Afterwards she told me it was a prank because that guy was a loser but I expected the worse that night.

[Mr. Lucky]

Tough last week she went out with her dad because I was at home and she had added a guy on FB that same night. She did not come home and stayed at her dad. Afterwards she told me it was a prank because that guy was a loser but I expected the worse that night.

 

WTH? And you put up with this?

 

Hopefully you understand, it's her job, having cheated twice, to work to repair the damage she's done.

 

Don't think she gets it, and not sure how you stay married to someone so selfishly entitled and focused solely on her own needs...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

It does sound like your wife may be either looking for fun on the side or actively seeking your replacement unfortunately.

 

Did you verify she actually spent the night at her Dad's?

[Marc878]

I think you're being extremley naive. She's cheated twice that you know of means there's a high probability that you'll get repeats.

 

You should start looking out for yourself

[d33f]

It does sound like your wife may be either looking for fun on the side or actively seeking your replacement unfortunately.

 

Did you verify she actually spent the night at her Dad's?

 

Yes she spend the whole night there. She said that we needed some air and therefore she went out. The next day she removed that guy from here FB because she was so drunk she didn't remember until I told her about her new friend on FB.

 

The complicated factor is that parts of her really don't want to lose me and really love me and that I think she has a manic period at the moment. On the other hand I'm not waiting till she cheats again or ripping my world apart again when we get through this episode. She also told me she can't help that she will probably fall in love in the future since she falls in love quickly.

[d33f]

I think you're being extremley naive. She's cheated twice that you know of means there's a high probability that you'll get repeats.

 

You should start looking out for yourself

 

Maybe you are right but at times I do blame myself because I'm also no perfect. On the other hand I know I'm everything I can to work for our marriage and that I'm committed.

 

If we did not have children and we had not been together for so long my choice would be a lot easier.

Edited September 14, 2019 by d33f

[Marc878]

No you aren't perfect. Neither is she. Did you go out and cheat?

 

See the difference?

 

An affair is 100% on the perpetrator you didn't make her do it.

 

You want to be a martyr go ahead but what's that getting you?

 

What are you teaching your kids?

[d33f]

No you aren't perfect. Neither is she. Did you go out and cheat?

 

See the difference?

 

An affair is 100% on the perpetrator you didn't make her do it.

 

You want to be a martyr go ahead but what's that getting you?

 

What are you teaching your kids?

 

The first affair was 10 years ago, the last time two years ago it has only been an emotional affair (it's still betrayal I know).

 

I know that I did not make her cheat, but she also says me that she has no choice because of who I am.

[Marc878]

 

The complicated factor is that parts of her really don't want to lose me and really love me and that I think she has a manic period at the moment. On the other hand I'm not waiting till she cheats again or ripping my world apart again when we get through this episode. She also told me she can't help that she will probably fall in love in the future since she falls in love quickly.

 

Sounds like you're looking for excuses to stay. I'm sure you'll find one but it's only a matter of time you'll go through the cheating thing again.

 

She's telling you that. I'd believe her and act accordingly. What you've shown her is that no matter what she does you'll take it and stay.

 

Why would she change anything?

[d33f]

Sounds like you're looking for excuses to stay. I'm sure you'll find one but it's only a matter of time you'll go through the cheating thing again.

 

She's telling you that. I'd believe her and act accordingly. What you've shown her is that no matter what she does you'll take it and stay.

 

Why would she change anything?

 

I guess you're right. But I also made it very clear to her if something like that ever happens again I'll be gone for good.

 

Then she says that she must lie about feelings for others because she does not want to lose me and only needs time for herself to decide if she really wants to leave me or not. Sadly last time even when she lied about it I found out.