Author d33f Posted September 14, 2019 Author Share Posted September 14, 2019 (edited) Today she seems again totally without feelings. She says that I have to leave her alone and have to act as if everything is OK for the kids. But I'm so hurt right now that I can't play nice weather. She also said I never cared about her feelings while at other times she says I'm her only companion and that there is no one that tries that hard to understand and support her Edited September 14, 2019 by d33f Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 If we did not have children and we had not been together for so long my choice would be a lot easier. Sounds like it's time for the 180. It's pinned at the top of this forum under "Critical Readings" but here it is for you: THE 180's: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it) So here's the list: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.No frequent phone calls.Don't point out "good points" in marriage.Don't follow her/him around the house.Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.Don't ask for reassurances.Don't buy or give gifts.Don't schedule dates together.Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!Don't be overly enthusiastic.Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted September 14, 2019 Author Share Posted September 14, 2019 (edited) Very informative! Guess I'll try and see what it brings. Edited September 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted September 14, 2019 Author Share Posted September 14, 2019 Guess what. Today she told me there was a other guy she met at the gym.. Now she has remorse because she broke up contact with him because of our marriage.. all the time I knew but she lied me right in my face until now and even thinks I should give her another chance because she eventually was honest about it and she broke of contact with the other guy. But I can't give her another chance. This only proves again that she can not be trusted. And interestingly enough the marriage crisis started at the same point she met that guy coincidence?? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 You need to divorce this woman. It doesn't sound like she's capable of being a good, faithful partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 I'm sorry to have to say it, but it's time to end this marriage, I agree with CautiouslyOptimistic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 Guess what. Today she told me there was a other guy she met at the gym.. Now she has remorse because she broke up contact with him because of our marriage.. Almost sounds like she's taunting you. I'm a big believer in fighting for you marriage, but yours seems DOA. Time indeed to pull the plug... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 14, 2019 Share Posted September 14, 2019 She also told me she can't help that she will probably fall in love in the future since she falls in love quickly. She is telling you she plans to move on. She is either very confused or one of those people who thinks infatuation and new relationship energy (NRE) = love. It's unfortunate that you married/had kids with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted September 14, 2019 Author Share Posted September 14, 2019 Almost sounds like she's taunting you. I'm a big believer in fighting for you marriage, but yours seems DOA. Time indeed to pull the plug... Mr. Lucky Yes it seems so. Later today we talked about it again and she even had to courage to be aggressive towards me. She again played her 'it's my fault card' for not giving her enough attention and love and that it is seek that outside the marriage. My bet is that she is hooked on the NRE and is disappointed that I'm not be able to give that to her. Though I know I have done everything possible to make it work, and I a long term relationship is about love not the falling in love hormones. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 15, 2019 Share Posted September 15, 2019 And her inconsistent behaviour has nothing to do with the fact that she is bipolar? She sounds really unstable to me, not just bipolar... Unfortunately, mental issues are very difficult to deal with (and I know)... Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted September 15, 2019 Author Share Posted September 15, 2019 And her inconsistent behaviour has nothing to do with the fact that she is bipolar? She sounds really unstable to me, not just bipolar... Unfortunately, mental issues are very difficult to deal with (and I know)... I think it will have it's impact for sure. At the moment she is expecting me to continue of its not biggy what has happend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted September 15, 2019 Author Share Posted September 15, 2019 Furthermore I'm curious if its normal for my wife to down play her affair since in her opinion 'nothing' has happend and that I should be grateful that she told me honestly and broke contact? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 16, 2019 Share Posted September 16, 2019 Cheaters often minimize their behavior and its effects. However, given your wife's mental illness, it's hard for strangers online to determine what "normal" is in your marriage... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 Guess what. Today she told me there was a other guy she met at the gym.. Now she has remorse because she broke up contact with him because of our marriage.. all the time I knew but she lied me right in my face until now and even thinks I should give her another chance because she eventually was honest about it and she broke of contact with the other guy. But I can't give her another chance. This only proves again that she can not be trusted. And interestingly enough the marriage crisis started at the same point she met that guy coincidence?? I know she has bipolar and there are other possible mental heath issues, as well as the children and their health. But twice with your former friend (I hope you have severed all contact) now FB friend meetings and the new guy from the gym. 100% support for her health issues, children but time for you to leave. Don’t accept full fault, could you have done things differently, yes of course. But you never slept around. Sorry she doesn’t want to remain. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 22, 2019 Share Posted September 22, 2019 Furthermore I'm curious if its normal for my wife to down play her affair since in her opinion 'nothing' has happend and that I should be grateful that she told me honestly and broke contact? Nothing? You only know what she's telling you. One thing cheaters have in common. They all lie a lot. You've shown her you'll stay and take it so you'll just get more. Google serial cheater. They don't stop. This will be your life going forward. You can't fix her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted September 22, 2019 Author Share Posted September 22, 2019 (edited) Google serial cheater. They don't stop. This will be your life going forward. You can't fix her. I have read a lot about serial cheaters the last couple of days and I know you are right. I am not planning to forgive her another time. Though we will go to MC and planning to put everything on the table. Maybe just maybe the insight of a professional will at least open her eyes and she knows sincerely why I can't let this happen every again. Edited October 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted October 7, 2019 Author Share Posted October 7, 2019 (edited) A couple of weeks ago I wrote about the fact that I discovered my wife had an emotional affair at the gym (the third affair in 14 years). I do believe she is suffering from bipolar disorder since the previous affair happend two years ago in the same month and almost every year in that same period she seems to get manic (insomnia, drinking lots of alcohol and so on). Since the last affair last week I had a drink with my best friend (who supported me in these weeks) and she went totally mad and shouted to me in front of the children just because I told her I will have a drink with my friend and stay that night at his house (because I don't drive when I drink). 3 hours after I left home I discovered she was chatting with another stranger man on FB and talking about how waisted she is and even talking about her affairs. At the moment I noticed it I called her immediately and told her what I read. She said that nothing is going on and she is just bored because I left the house and was just searching for answers and opinions. Now I can tell you my heart broke again in many pieces. She even laughed me in the face because I was hurt by something which was nothing in her eyes. The next day she agreed she was stupid and drunk and understands that it was wrong, but she does not understand why I think it is not appropriate to talk about that with a stranger (though he was not a total stranger to her later I discovered. It was the partner of a friend of hers which is known to be a drugs addict, abusive to his wife etc.). Later that night (same night of the FB chat) another best friend of hers for years(a male too) came to our house to accompany her. Since that day she is being constantly in contact with him through WhatsApp and even is talking to him while I'm talking to her about my feelings. I have said that if you really want to work on our marriage you should put that energy in us instead the friend. Though she keeps on insisting that there is nothing going on between them and that she loves me and wants to work it out!? I can tell you I have zero trust in her and my gut keeps telling me she cant be trusted, even if she really broke contact with the affair she had a month ago with another guy. Is it really possible she is on an affair spree? Edited October 7, 2019 by d33f Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 Is it really possible she is on an affair spree? Why do you care? Your wife doesn’t have the boundaries necessary for marital success, won’t seek treatment or counseling and seems already checked out of the relationship. Not sure adding more affairs onto the pile of evidence you already have helps you in any way... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted October 7, 2019 Author Share Posted October 7, 2019 Why do you care? Your wife doesn’t have the boundaries necessary for marital success, won’t seek treatment or counseling and seems already checked out of the relationship. Not sure adding more affairs onto the pile of evidence you already have helps you in any way... Mr. Lucky She does want to go to counseling and talk about her mania in treatment but would it matter at this point? My only thought was am I really seeing it clearly what is happening in front of me? Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 You're seeing her betrayal very clearly. I did not read any other posts from you, so I am not sure whether this is an ongoing issue with her. If you want to give it one final chance before you walk away, you could seek counseling together, make sure she sees a psychiatrist to get on medication to control her manic behavior (and drinking certainly won't help), and give yourself a timeframe - "If this, this, and this does not improve by this date, I am done." Just be warned that if you decide to stay, I suspect this will be your life from now on, to varying degrees. Link to post Share on other sites
staygrateful Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 (edited) A couple of weeks ago I wrote about the fact that I discovered my wife had an emotional affair at the gym (the third affair in 14 years). I do believe she is suffering from bipolar disorder since the previous affair happend two years ago in the same month and almost every year in that same period she seems to get manic (insomnia, drinking lots of alcohol and so on). That's got to hurt when you're trying to open up about your feelings she is messaging another man not even paying the least bit of attention to what you are saying. Sounds like when she says she loves you and wants to work it she's just telling you what you want to hear? When the male came to the house to accompany her, were you there? Or was this the night you stayed out? If you don't mind me asking, are you the one paying all the bills and supporting her? Reason I ask is because it def sounds like she is on an affair spree but maybe is telling you how much she loves you and wants to make it work because she doesn't want to lose what she has as far as a comfortable home and lifestyle. Edited October 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted October 7, 2019 Author Share Posted October 7, 2019 (edited) When the male friend came to the house it was indeed on the night I was indeed at the night I stayed out, the same night were she was first chatting to the man on FB (different guy). I'm indeed paying most of our bills. She has her own disability income, but I'm working full time as a software engineer which pays most of our bills. Sad thing is she is minimalizing all the above events while for me these events are exact the actions you should not take when you say you love someone and want to work it out. I really do think she lost all her sense of sanity at this moment. The counseling is really her last chance and if something of the above happens again (chatting with stranger and seeking attention or another affair) I'm totally done with it. Though I am slowly trying to adopt the 180 method and want to try to focus on myself to lessen the pain and get some ground beneath my feet back. Edited October 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted October 8, 2019 Author Share Posted October 8, 2019 Though one fact that is driving me nuts is her minimalizing her actions. Saying nothing has happend (physically or long term affair) but she cant acknowledge the fact that she hurt me and in my opinion more than enough has happened. While on the other end she says she is so sorry that she hurts me... Link to post Share on other sites
staygrateful Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 (edited) When the male friend came to the house it was indeed on the night I was indeed at the night I stayed out, the same night were she was first chatting to the man on FB (different guy). I'm indeed paying most of our bills. She has her own disability income, but I'm working full time as a software engineer which pays most of our bills.. Do you think anything happened between her and the male friend on the night he came to the house? Have you talked to her about it? At least she is willing to do counseling. After being my with soon to be ex for 9yrs and married almost 2 she wouldn't even consider it and is committing adultery as we speak. Some women can be ice cold my friend. Hope it all works out for you. Edited October 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 op, I'm autistic, and it sounds like you had some concerns about this in yourself. If you do, that might be part of why it's so hard to leave. A lot of autistics find change really difficult. If your wife is mentally ill, that's sad for her, but that doesn't give her any excuse to cheat or otherwise treat you badly. Like you, I also have two autistic kids, as well as one who is neurotypical. It can be a hard row to hoe, and you wife's behaviors aren't helping. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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