pepperbird Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 op, I also have a spouse with mental illness ( combat related PTSD) who he sees a counselor for. The thing is, the counselor is there to help him. that's his job. Maintaining a happy family life and any "side benefits" for me and our kids are secondary. He is there to treat him, not us. That's why we are also seeing a therapist together, one who is there to help the whole family, not just my spouse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 It is quite that she does not care about hurting you and has zero respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Yeah, from what you write it unfortunately does seem she's decided she'll do just whatever she wants (cheating etc) and keep it just hidden enough from you so that you can comfortably look the other way if you choose to (which you may be choosing due to fear of change, etc). It seems like even if you confronted her with incontrovertible evidence, she'd just apologize, lay low for a while, and start back up again once your guard was down. Honestly, this doesn't sound like a marriage most folks would want to be in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted October 8, 2019 Author Share Posted October 8, 2019 op, I also have a spouse with mental illness ( combat related PTSD) who he sees a counselor for. The thing is, the counselor is there to help him. that's his job. Maintaining a happy family life and any "side benefits" for me and our kids are secondary. He is there to treat him, not us. That's why we are also seeing a therapist together, one who is there to help the whole family, not just my spouse. Thanks you very much for you insight. Sad thing is I have to find a new therapist since the previous one though my live was going great (nice job, complete university, a family). Though they were only specialized in ASP treatment and could not help me with the current situation in life. So that means I'll have to wait for week / months to have a therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted October 8, 2019 Author Share Posted October 8, 2019 Yeah, from what you write it unfortunately does seem she's decided she'll do just whatever she wants (cheating etc) and keep it just hidden enough from you so that you can comfortably look the other way if you choose to (which you may be choosing due to fear of change, etc). It seems like even if you confronted her with incontrovertible evidence, she'd just apologize, lay low for a while, and start back up again once your guard was down. Honestly, this doesn't sound like a marriage most folks would want to be in. Yes it may very seem so sadly.. Like I previously stated the thing that is really driving me inside is her shifting between guilt and thinking she did not do anything wrong and even states that she has the right to do that stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Why don't you ask your wife how she would feel if you brought a woman friend over to your house in the evening when she was away? Ask her how she would feel if you went to a gym and began an emotional affair with another woman at the gym? Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted October 9, 2019 Author Share Posted October 9, 2019 Why don't you ask your wife how she would feel if you brought a woman friend over to your house in the evening when she was away? Ask her how she would feel if you went to a gym and began an emotional affair with another woman at the gym? I confronted her with this and she says bluntly she could not live or deal with this.. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 She clearly wants to keep you to pay the bills while she lives her single life. She is seeing you as a sponsor and not as a husband she respects. She doesn't respect you at all, you need to wake up, hand her divorce papers and kick her out of the house. How do you let someone treat you like that? I am so upset with you and mostly her! Is this an atmosphere you want your kids to grow up in? Just divorce her already. What more are you expecting? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Wow. She said that she could not deal with or live with it if you had done the same thing to her. So why did she do it to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Unfortunately your wife will do as she pleases because she knows you'll just take it. Unless that changes you'll just continue to get what you've already gotten. All cheaters have one thing in common. They lie a lot. That's all you're getting. Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 Brother, Where can you see all this going? This sounds like her exit strategy, possible to start the 180. Regardless of the history, she does have to be accountable for her actions. There are a lot of very knowledgeable people here and all have valid suggestions to assist you. Please just think of these and some may assist. Just my thoughts, but it has to be right for you. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 (edited) Brother, Where can you see all this going? This sounds like her exit strategy, possible to start the 180. Regardless of the history, she does have to be accountable for her actions. There are a lot of very knowledgeable people here and all have valid suggestions to assist you. Please just think of these and some may assist. Just my thoughts, but it has to be right for you. Good luck Thank you very much for your support, and I will take all of the advices at heart. I'll keep posting here to keep you updated. At the moment she has come down from her manic episode and feels really bad about everything that has happened. Though I know and she is honest about the fact I can't trust her anymore. In my mind I'm adjusting my future because this would not be the grow old together relationship. I will work through MC but atm I really don't have any hope left. Edited October 10, 2019 by d33f Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 (edited) Thank you very much for your support, and I will take all of the advices at heart. I'll keep posting here to keep you updated. At the moment she has come down from her manic episode and feels really bad about everything that has happened. Though I know and she is honest about the fact I can't trust her anymore. In my mind I'm adjusting my future because this would not be the grow old together relationship. I will work through MC but atm I really don't have any hope left. I have had many Dutch friends and I know they are really special and smart people. I mean, man, you are an engineer, you are not a dumb person! For your own sake and the sake of your kids, you got to get away from this sick situation. You are the one who brings the money home, who works so many hours in a hard job, you deserve to find a woman who will respect you and your kids deserve to live in a safe and quiet environment without mom and dad having fights all the time. Please just visit a divorce lawyer and know your rights. Do the first step and some years later you will thank us and mostly yourself. All my support for you mate. Edited October 10, 2019 by SummerDreams 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 I have had many Dutch friends and I know they are really special and smart people. I mean, man, you are an engineer, you are not a dumb person! For your own sake and the sake of your kids, you got to get away from this sick situation. You are the one who brings the money home, who works so many hours in a hard job, you deserve to find a woman who will respect you and your kids deserve to live in a safe and quiet environment without mom and dad having fights all the time. Please just visit a divorce lawyer and know your rights. Do the first step and some years later you will thank us and mostly yourself. All my support for you mate. Thank you very much for your kind words and support! I know you're right, every single thought in my mind is saying the same thing. I know I'll will be left hurt when I don't leave it is just a matter of time (not a nice perspective to say the least). I know I can live without her because I had to live without her the moments she decided to betray me, and I know I'm strong but my heart tells me otherwise. She states that she can't live without me, and is even afraid for all the stuff she will do when I'm not around anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 Thank you very much for your kind words and support! I know you're right, every single thought in my mind is saying the same thing. I know I'll will be left hurt when I don't leave it is just a matter of time (not a nice perspective to say the least). I know I can live without her because I had to live without her the moments she decided to betray me, and I know I'm strong but my heart tells me otherwise. She states that she can't live without me, and is even afraid for all the stuff she will do when I'm not around anymore. You are stronger than you give yourself credit, trust me. You are not her parent, even though you are acting like that. She sees you like that, her dad who will treat her good no matter what, he will forgive her mistakes and he will never leave her. But this is not the case. You and her are equal partners in this marriage. She is not the only one who has rights. You need to let her go. What she does when you leave her is her problem to solve. I think she is really spoiled and she needs to grow up. Better days will come for you, trust me. When you have a woman who loves you and respects you and wants no other than you, you will know the difference. Let yourself free from your wife, she destroys yours and your kids' lives. She needs to be a grown up woman and mother and take responsibility for her actions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 If she is truly manic as the OP suggests she is, then she will have little or no control of her thoughts, feelings and actions during the manic phase. She will have little or no insight, during an episode, into the fact she is not behaving normally. Mania is a period of overactive and excited behaviours so it is no surprise, some people whilst manic engage in risky sexual practices or have difficulty controlling sexual urges or lose inhibitions. Yes the adultery is an issue but I am more concerned regarding the health and safety of her children... Mania is a serious condition. How you might feel uncontrollably excited, like you can't get your words out fast enough racing and jumbled thoughts like you are special and understand things other people can't believing you are invincible or have special powers very easily distracted and unable to concentrate on anything loss of insight – not understanding that your behaviour is unusual or that it could cause problems delusions and paranoia – thoughts that other people don't understand or share seeing things, hearing voices or feeling things that other people don't How you might behave talking a lot and very quickly – to the point that others may not be able to understand or interrupt jumping quickly between unrelated topics, or saying things that don't make sense to other people being rude, angry or aggressive doing or saying things that are inappropriate and out of character losing social inhibitions forgetting to look after yourself – forgetting to eat or drink, for example misusing drugs or alcohol taking serious risks with your safety spending money excessively and inappropriately Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 If she is truly manic as the OP suggests she is, then she will have little or no control of her thoughts, feelings and actions during the manic phase. She will have little or no insight, during an episode, into the fact she is not behaving normally. Mania is a period of overactive and excited behaviours so it is no surprise, some people whilst manic engage in risky sexual practices or have difficulty controlling sexual urges or lose inhibitions. Yes the adultery is an issue but I am more concerned regarding the health and safety of her children... Mania is a serious condition. She is a great mother, but my opinion is that it is indeed no healthy for the kids seeing their dad in such pain and a mother keeping them in the dark and laughing her problems away. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 She is a great mother... I do not doubt that when well, but in the midst of a manic episode she is not a fit person to be looking after your children on her own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 She is NOT a great mother. A great mother wouldn't risk their children's future with her affairs. She is definitely NOT a great wife. What she is great at is being selfish, flirting with other men (she is openly fishing), and cheating. She is a magnet for adultery and blames you for it. If you weren't 'to blame' (you are not - period) then she would blame the wind - anything but take personal responsibility. I'm sorry but there is only one choice here. Your self esteem is at stake. It will effect you in ways you can't yet know. Divorce her for your own mental health and well being as well as your kids. ASAP. The sooner the better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted October 11, 2019 Author Share Posted October 11, 2019 She is NOT a great mother. A great mother wouldn't risk their children's future with her affairs. She is definitely NOT a great wife. What she is great at is being selfish, flirting with other men (she is openly fishing), and cheating. She is a magnet for adultery and blames you for it. If you weren't 'to blame' (you are not - period) then she would blame the wind - anything but take personal responsibility. I'm sorry but there is only one choice here. Your self esteem is at stake. It will effect you in ways you can't yet know. Divorce her for your own mental health and well being as well as your kids. ASAP. The sooner the better. I guess you are right.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted October 14, 2019 Share Posted October 14, 2019 I didn't write that to 'beat you up'. Life is doing that enough right now. Just wanted you to see where you are clearly. It is very unfortunate but you and your kids CAN recover from this - but you must do it without your wife. Study and enact the 180 asap. Seek legal advice. Do something nice for yourself every day (walk, gym, etc), be the best father you can be, and take one day at a time. Divorce her absolutely as quickly as possible. Wallowing in it will not help anyone. Best wishes under these trying times. There ARE better days ahead. You can get through this - just without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted October 14, 2019 Author Share Posted October 14, 2019 (edited) I didn't write that to 'beat you up'. Life is doing that enough right now. Just wanted you to see where you are clearly. It is very unfortunate but you and your kids CAN recover from this - but you must do it without your wife. Study and enact the 180 asap. Seek legal advice. Do something nice for yourself every day (walk, gym, etc), be the best father you can be, and take one day at a time. Divorce her absolutely as quickly as possible. Wallowing in it will not help anyone. Best wishes under these trying times. There ARE better days ahead. You can get through this - just without her. Thanks your kind words. I know you are right. Sad thing is I cant turn off my heart like her. She even begs me to stay the moment I want to go and says she will do everything because outside her manic periods she is rightfully happy with me and cant understand the stuff she has been doing. Though yesterday she said she is getting sick of my repeated whining and cant take that sh*t anymore while it is natural (in view of the process the betrayed spouse is going through). She thinks the only way it is going to be better is have a relationship and the way of conversation as before the affair happened. In my honest opinion this is too much asked after only two weeks after dday and a lot of other stuff that has happened in those two weeks. If she really cared she would try with every cell in her body to be there for me instead of being a stone cold wall sometimes because she cant stand the whining. So from now one I will try to live by the 180 and try to disconnect from her for my and my kids sake.. I can only have a certain level of understanding for her illness, not for constant pain. If there would be a trusty future I would have given her another chance maybe but not with the perspective that she cant control and that it will most likely will happen again. Furthermore she had the courage to bring up my autism again that that is something which she cant live with, while I too have to live with her flaws. I am clearly aware of my shortcomings and have been working on them for years (my therapist even said that she has not seen many people with autism with such empathy and compassion) so I guess it is not all on me for this. Edited October 14, 2019 by d33f 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 14, 2019 Share Posted October 14, 2019 Enough is enough! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 14, 2019 Share Posted October 14, 2019 3 hours after I left home I discovered she was chatting with another stranger man on FB and talking about how waisted she is and even talking about her affairs. At the moment I noticed it I called her immediately and told her what I read. She said that nothing is going on and she is just bored because I left the house and was just searching for answers and opinions. Now I can tell you my heart broke again in many pieces. She even laughed me in the face because I was hurt by something which was nothing in her eyes. The next day she agreed she was stupid and drunk and understands that it was wrong, but she does not understand why I think it is not appropriate to talk about that with a stranger (though he was not a total stranger to her later I discovered. It was the partner of a friend of hers which is known to be a drugs addict, abusive to his wife etc. Exactly how are your kids dealing with this dysfunction? In one post you are talking about your wife getting stupid drunk and having male visitors while you were out and she was home with the kids. Then later you say she is a great mother. You sound disconnected from reality and your kids are going to pay the highest price. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d33f Posted October 14, 2019 Author Share Posted October 14, 2019 (edited) Exactly how are your kids dealing with this dysfunction? In one post you are talking about your wife getting stupid drunk and having male visitors while you were out and she was home with the kids. Then later you say she is a great mother. You sound disconnected from reality and your kids are going to pay the highest price. The moment she was drunk was when the kids were sleeping. Nothing like that happened while the kids were awake, but I can understand that this situation changes the home dynamics. When the kids are awake she can play her role as committed wife and mother and does stuff everything away concerning her feelings. I on the other hand cant help but I have to cry sometimes just because of the situation and hurt. I am not able to play nice weather constantly. I am not able to lie to our kids and have them told in kids language what is going on instead.of leaving them in the dark, because I know they sense something is going on. Edited October 14, 2019 by d33f Link to post Share on other sites
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