Wife affair spree is this possible?

[JS84]

My Dad is bipolar (my sister as well). I've told my mom on and off since I was 15 to divorce him. I'm 35 now. Don't make her mistake. They're still together but I would call it a platonic relationship at this point. They haven't even slept in the same bed since I was in high school. He still cheats on her and they're both in their mid 60s now.

 

I know you love your wife, but you need to stop thinking about your love, stop listening to your heart and start using your head. You should be thinking solely about your kids' safety, health, their environment and yourself as well. Love alone is no reason to continue a toxic dysfunctional relationship. Especially when children are involved. Two people can love each other completely and still be absolutely horrible for each other. Not to mention the children who have to live in that type of environment.

 

I know it's a disease and not their choice but relationships with bipolar individuals are like dealing with emotional vampires. And they will drain you and everyone close to them ****ing dry.

Edited October 15, 2019 by JS84

[confusedinadaze]

I know most people take marriage seriously. There is no excuse for her erratic behavior. Doesn’t look to me like she respects the man she married.

 

Regardless of what she’s been through, she knows that life is full of hurdles for everybody - there is no need to act like that. So why are you sitting there and thinking only about her?? And not about yourself ? Why is she more important to you than you?

 

A healthy relationship is when two people are just as important to each other and respect one another. She doesn’t respect you or your relationship.

[d33f]

My Dad is bipolar (my sister as well). I've told my mom on and off since I was 15 to divorce him. I'm 35 now. Don't make her mistake. They're still together but I would call it a platonic relationship at this point. They haven't even slept in the same bed since I was in high school. He still cheats on her and they're both in their mid 60s now.

 

I know you love your wife, but you need to stop thinking about your love, stop listening to your heart and start using your head. You should be thinking solely about your kids' safety, health, their environment and yourself as well. Love alone is no reason to continue a toxic dysfunctional relationship. Especially when children are involved. Two people can love each other completely and still be absolutely horrible for each other. Not to mention the children who have to live in that type of environment.

 

I know it's a disease and not their choice but relationships with bipolar individuals are like dealing with emotional vampires. And they will drain you and everyone close to them ****ing dry.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience. I will take this post at heart. Since today I'm trying to live by the 180 method and I can feel that I'm already doing better and have more peace in my mind.

[SummerDreams]

We all support you

[elaine567]

If you decide to stay then you need to make sure she is taking her medication and that it is reviewed regularly by a professional.

Has she seen a professional since the last event?

Also you need to be very aware of the signs she is slipping into a manic episode early doors, so you can protect your kids and you can try to prevent her hooking up with strange men.

[d33f]

If you decide to stay then you need to make sure she is taking her medication and that it is reviewed regularly by a professional.

Has she seen a professional since the last event?

Also you need to be very aware of the signs she is slipping into a manic episode early doors, so you can protect your kids and you can try to prevent her hooking up with strange men.

 

I am very aware of the early signs, though the tough part is that she is not aware and thinks she is feeling great. If I point out the specific signs she gets very aggressive and defensive.

[d33f]

I am very aware of the early signs, though the tough part is that she is not aware and thinks she is feeling great. If I point out the specific signs she gets very aggressive and defensive.

 

Yesterday and today she was again cold blooded. Even after I didn't talk almost the whole day when I spoke three sentences about my feelings and issues she was rolling her eyes and even said "Are you starting again?!". Like someone said above enough is enough. I will give her just one more week to prove that she really has remorse and that she will show me the respect I deserve. If not I will make an appointment with a divorce counselor instead of a marriage counselor. This is certainly not healing me and I don't deserve to have salt put into my wounds while she has to own the pain she caused. I am feeling a little bit better to let her go in my mind and to trust on my own. Imho it's better to be single than to be in such toxic situation.

[Buffer]

Brother

 

I am always for R if both parties are 110% in.

Although her history is known she in not on board

Contact D lawyer and let her know this. She has to be made accountable regardless of the circumstances.

It can be stopped at any time.

 

Good luck

[notbroken]

A week, a month, or a decade is not likely to make much difference other than you will have more grey hairs. She is a serial cheater. She is unlikely to ever stop and even if she did the damage to your relationship and self esteem is already done. She will minimize the damage she has done and is unlikely to ever 'own it'. Even if she did it won't undo who she is (a serial cheater) and what she has done and will likely continue. I am sorry. You need to divorce her - for your own sanity and well being. Good luck. Divorce is not easy but eventually brighter days are ahead.

[mark clemson]

I have to agree, "another week" seems superfluous here. Realizing that you really are walking away, once you begin that, may change her tune, but you will need to keep a VERY sharp and critical eye on any of that. It's said that it's easiest to believe the lies we want to believe. I think you really would rather that she stay and let you love her. So, you're more likely to be taken in by some good acting (possibly supported by a suddenly greatly increased amount of affection and sex).

 

If this happens, you'll need to try to decipher if she genuinely wants to reconcile or if it's more about keeping her lifestyle etc. Sadly, but in order to be realistic, you'll probably need to consider "what would she be saying right now if I wasn't in the process of ending the marriage"?

[d33f]

I have to agree, "another week" seems superfluous here. Realizing that you really are walking away, once you begin that, may change her tune, but you will need to keep a VERY sharp and critical eye on any of that. It's said that it's easiest to believe the lies we want to believe. I think you really would rather that she stay and let you love her. So, you're more likely to be taken in by some good acting (possibly supported by a suddenly greatly increased amount of affection and sex).

 

If this happens, you'll need to try to decipher if she genuinely wants to reconcile or if it's more about keeping her lifestyle etc. Sadly, but in order to be realistic, you'll probably need to consider "what would she be saying right now if I wasn't in the process of ending the marriage"?

 

You really hit the nail on the head here.. She indeed is hugging and cuddling me and sexing like there is no tomorrow but she is not doing any work related to helping me process the situation I am now in.

[mark clemson]

Fair enough. It seems like she's good at predicting "next moves". You're going to have to decide what you really want and how sincere you feel her "making up" is. It sounds like you're not buying into it (quite understandably).

 

Perhaps you could insist on her going to IC and you both going to MC (as well as whatever other conditions you wish to set) for reconciliation.

 

From what I've read here you need to be careful with MC as they may not help with your emotions. So IF you even want to reconcile and do that, it's something to keep in mind. You need to lay out conditions as a betrayed spouse.

 

Hopefully others who are BS's (I'm not to my knowledge) will chime in with further advice for you for this juncture.

[d33f]

Fair enough. It seems like she's good at predicting "next moves". You're going to have to decide what you really want and how sincere you feel her "making up" is. It sounds like you're not buying into it (quite understandably).

 

Perhaps you could insist on her going to IC and you both going to MC (as well as whatever other conditions you wish to set) for reconciliation.

 

From what I've read here you need to be careful with MC as they may not help with your emotions. So IF you even want to reconcile and do that, it's something to keep in mind. You need to lay out conditions as a betrayed spouse.

 

Hopefully others who are BS's (I'm not to my knowledge) will chime in with further advice for you for this juncture.

 

Today she said honestly that she does not know if she wants to try and wants to be with me. What is the use of going to MC when it's already clear she is not putting any effort into restoring the relationship?

 

Also she throws the "we are not compatible" card since she expects polygamy vs monogamy and the facts that I am an introvert and she is an social butterfly.

 

My feeling and opinion is that it would be foolish to keep trying in this marriage.

[SummerDreams]

Today she said honestly that she does not know if she wants to try and wants to be with me. What is the use of going to MC when it's already clear she is not putting any effort into restoring the relationship?

 

Also she throws the "we are not compatible" card since she expects polygamy vs monogamy and the facts that I am an introvert and she is an social butterfly.

 

My feeling and opinion is that it would be foolish to keep trying in this marriage.

 

 

I identify what you are doing because I do this too: every day you come here and you say "today my wife did / said / felt / expressed / thought this and that" and you base your existance according to the above. Where are YOU in this? What did YOU do / say / feel / express / think? Why is SHE your center of attention? Let her be her and you be you. Do you see that YOU don't exist in your mind and your actions? This is why I insist on therapy to learn how to take care of yourself.

 

 

If you feel you want out of this marriage, there is nobody here or elsewhere who knows better than you. Take action. Don't wait any longer. You being an introvert and her being a social butterfly doesn't make you a worse person or something. You are just not compatible. There are people out there just like you with whom you'll find much in common.

[d33f]

I identify what you are doing because I do this too: every day you come here and you say "today my wife did / said / felt / expressed / thought this and that" and you base your existance according to the above. Where are YOU in this? What did YOU do / say / feel / express / think? Why is SHE your center of attention? Let her be her and you be you. Do you see that YOU don't exist in your mind and your actions? This is why I insist on therapy to learn how to take care of yourself.

 

 

If you feel you want out of this marriage, there is nobody here or elsewhere who knows better than you. Take action. Don't wait any longer. You being an introvert and her being a social butterfly doesn't make you a worse person or something. You are just not compatible. There are people out there just like you with whom you'll find much in common.

 

Thanks for your observations. Sad fact is that I'm not used to think about myself anymore. I've lived for my wife and children because they are more important than my own feelings.

 

I think that it is because my wife told me countless times that because I'm autistic I have no empathy (which is BS, only sometimes have difficulties expressing), and that I want to prove I do really care.

I'm so confused and hurt at the same time. Sure I don't like the change of being alone and leaving my family and having to split all of my belongings 50/50 (that's the law here sadly).

 

She is so contradictory like in saying: "I don't want to live without out and don't want to loose you, but I don't know if I want to stay with you, we are too different".

And the moment I want to make a clear, calm and conscious decision based on these facts (and of course my own thoughts that I can't trust her anymore) she does not want to divorce and goes into loving mode again..

 

I feel like I'm being played and sad thing is I do care too much about others feelings . I feel bad when I see her cry when I want to divorce and think about the pain that's causing for our kids.

Edited October 18, 2019 by d33f

[SummerDreams]

It seems your wife wants to change you into keeping your good qualities and erasing the "bad" ones (or the ones she doesn't like). Wll she has to know this can't happen. My husband is a very good person, he doesn't want to cause trouble or fight with anyone, he is patient as hell, and I love these things in him. But due to all of the above, sometimes I feel he is not dynamic enough to protect himself and I feel sometimes people take advantage of his kindness which aggravates me. But bottom line is, I can't expect him to be good and patient only with me and not with others. Either I accept his good traits and accept they may sometimes hurt me, either I don't. Sounds like your wife is doing this. She can't accept and love your traits that don't fit her.

 

 

Please focus on yourself and the kids. This story is not going anywhere. Go to a lawyer please and find out what are your exit plans. I'm telling you, your wife won't suddenly change. She seems like a spoiled teenager and this needs a lot of work to start to change. But until then your kids will be harmed psychologically for life. Don't let this happen. No change is easy, but this situation is not easy as well. At least with change you have hope something might actually get better.

[d33f]

You are right, this is going nowhere. She even tells me she can't bring up empathy for my feelings because of her mania it feels very disconnected like it did not really happen, so she can't feel what I am going through and therefore can't help me.

 

Think again a lot has happened and for the third time I have to go through all this pain again by myself.

 

This has made me strong in the past and I can fall back on my inner self so why not make the step to be really alone? I can't make her change but I can change my children's life and mine for the better.

 

Deep inside I know I've grown a lot as a person while she is still behaving like a teen just like when we came together.

 

I have a good heart to offer and it would be a waste to put my energy in trying to fix this unfixable situation. I'm sad because I really love her, but eventually I have to love myself more.

[Just a Guy]

Hi d33f, I guess that with the advice that you have received from all the good folk on this forum you are quite well informed about what you should do to get out of infidelity. I only wanted to add that if your wife is a proven bipolar then it is likely that during her manic episodes she may exhibit uncontrollably priscuous behaviour. While this may not be true of all bipolar sufferers a small percentage are likely to be affected by this trait. You could get a profession opinion to confirm or reject this possibility in respect of your wife. If it holds true for her then a proper course of treatment can manage this condition. Hope this helps. Warm wishes.

[Asw27]

She thinks that by taking care of the kids and cook for me that she does her part concerning showing her love to me (which I surely appreciate). Sadly we have not gone out together since we have kids. I suggested it a couple of times but she is scared to live the kids alone with someone which she thinks does not know how to handle the kids. Tough last week she went out with her dad because I was at home and she had added a guy on FB that same night. She did not come home and stayed at her dad. Afterwards she told me it was a prank because that guy was a loser but I expected the worse that night.

 

You have received very good advice. I just wanted to comment on the above quote: if taking care of the kids and cooking is "her way to show love", why wouldn't working 40 hours a week to provide for your family be "your way to show love"? Her demands sound like excuses.

[Marc878]

Google serial cheater.

 

I don't think you know what you're up against here.

[aliveagain]

This ends when you decide it does. Your the only one in this relationship. Bipolar disorder is for life and her medications need to be updated regularly. Infidelity is one of the symptoms of this disorder. You will never be enough for her, you will have to police her for the rest of your lives together. just look at your history together. Based on her behaviour and her blame shifting expect more of the same if you stay together. Like I said, this ends when you say it does. She knows right from wrong, being bipolar doesn't change that. My ex liked the high she got when she was manic and off her pills, going off her pills to chase the rush she got was her choice. This is what the rest of your life looks like unless you decide to change the path it takes. They can be very suicidal specially if you decide to really leave so be very aware of that potential. Call 911 if she even makes threats about harming herself. My ex attempted suicide several times trying to keep me in the relationship. Seeing her in emergency with tubes down her throat and her lips all black(they pump you full of charcoal) is scary to see. You can't force someone to change, it will never get better.

[Rockdad]

Your saga no doubt resonates and touches the hearts of those of us here that have endured some life history being with a dominating abusive spouse or partner. There is nothing I can add after reading the entire thread filled with good advice. I'm glad these people were here for you. I wish there was a place like this I could have gone to for some insight. You were right when you said you are being played that much is clear to me. I was never so mad at myself a period of time later after I worked through the divorce and the fog cleared. How could I ever let and put up with a person using, abusing and blackmailing me for so many long years. Such a waste of life.

[oldtruck]

She sounds selfish & self absorbed. Marriage counseling?

 

he has to have his 2 to 3hours of video games every night

 

the both are S S & S A

[HappySenior]

Sounds like it's time for the 180. It's pinned at the top of this forum under "Critical Readings" but here it is for you:

 

THE 180's:

 

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

 

So here's the list:

• Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
  
• No frequent phone calls.
  
• Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
  
• Don't follow her/him around the house.
  
• Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
  
• Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
  
• Don't ask for reassurances.
  
• Don't buy or give gifts.
  
• Don't schedule dates together.
  
• Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
  
• Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
  
• Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
  
• Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
  
• When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
  
• If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
  
• Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
  
• Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
  
• No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
  
• All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
  
• Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
  
• Don't be overly enthusiastic.
  
• Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
  
• Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
  
• Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
  
• Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
  
• Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
  
• Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
  
• Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
  
• Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
  
• Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
  
• Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
  
• Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
  
• When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
  

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr Lucky, I have to say that I followed her advice and lost my previous ex-husband to his affair partner. If I had followed Marriage Builder's advice I might have saved my marriage and not only that - if I had known MB's philosophy I would have seen that what I had done (emotional affair) was not a way to go, but I should have tried to get my needs met the right way - and to separate instead if that was not possible. His affair was revenge for my emotional affair (online).

 

Marriage Builders, with concurrent Exposure and the other things probably would have saved the marriage, especially since we were such good friends. (So good, I might add, that I never lied about the emotional affair.) But there were unsolved problems he would not address. I should have just separated, rather than getting my needs met elsewhere, as all committed people should do.

 

Because he was infatuated with *her* and because it looked like I didn't >need< him, it made it easy for him to move on after we had grown up together. Acting as if someone isn't important to you simply drives them into someone else's arms.

[elaine567]

She sounds selfish & self absorbed.

 

Yes, because she is mentally ill.

She is bipolar.

Her "cheating" is due to mania.

She is not your common and garden cheater, who cheats because they just want to.

She enters a manic phase and has little control of what happens during that phase. She likely thinks during the phase, she is acting normally, everything makes perfect sense to her, but to all around she is anything but normal.

Real mental illness is scary stuff.