Artdeco Posted September 25, 2019 Share Posted September 25, 2019 If I can ask, what do you find distressing about it, and what examples of not being able to take control of my situation? What she probably means is that in your OP you constantly complain, like non-stop, about the weekend, and what he did and didn’t do, and what he said and didn’t say, etc. You are basically painting yourself as the victim, who has no say in anything. Got sick, am broke, still gotta drag myself to his place for a weekend visit, and then he treats me like this. Boohoo. That’s why i was wondering how old you guys are. The whole thing sounds so immature. Also - No “normal”, confident girl/woman would get herself into a situation where she ends up stranded due to lack of money for a return trip. Or unable to leave early, if need be. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 25, 2019 Share Posted September 25, 2019 If I can ask, what do you find distressing about it, and what examples of not being able to take control of my situation? When you were sitting in that coffee shop waiting for him & being scared. If you had more control you would have said I'll just take an earlier train so you can have the rest of your night or you would have gone somewhere you felt safer, taken a taxi or an Uber or something. But to just sit there & panic because you felt like you had no choice, that broke my heart for you. Also that you didn't feel like you had the courage to say No I'm not coming. I'm sick; I don't have the money & you are in transition right now, there's no room for me. I'll talk to you during the week & come see you when you are all moved in. It's like you don't understand that it's possible to have a relationship & a life. Time apart is OK. There is no need to spend 24/7 being connected. Mystery is a good thing. That is not just you; it's generational. It's like if you can't be with your SO all the time you freak out that the relationship is broken. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted September 26, 2019 Share Posted September 26, 2019 Firstly, I think it was not a good idea to go and visit him just before he was moving. He is bound to be stressed by that and have lots to do to prepare. Unless there was a specific plan about what you would both be doing when you visited, it was just not a good time. Having said that, he did not seem very caring about you being unwell. He was taking pictures instead of talking to you (who for, I wonder?), and he could not miss a meeting with a friend to spend time with you after you had travelled all that way. Overall, I get the impression he did not want you around. I suppose he could have been very tired while preparing for a move, especially if this transient state has been going on for a while. That can make people ratty. You also did not feel well and had to wait around all the time so you were both feeling frayed. Even so, he could have treated you better. Honestly, I think he is probably seeing or getting to know someone else, hence the pictures. Unless this guy comes back with a great big apology (voluntarily and without prompting), I think you should dump him. His mind is elsewhere and that is not a good sign. You deserve someone who is wholehearted about being with you. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 27, 2019 Share Posted September 27, 2019 Honestly, I think he is probably seeing or getting to know someone else, hence the pictures. Unless this guy comes back with a great big apology (voluntarily and without prompting), I think you should dump him. His mind is elsewhere and that is not a good sign. You deserve someone who is wholehearted about being with you. I had the same hunch on my initial read of this post, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author haaaaaap Posted September 27, 2019 Author Share Posted September 27, 2019 definitely no one else. he gets sponsored to run so has to consistently post pictures. Link to post Share on other sites
fromheart Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 To be honest, this sounds like pot head behaviour. Sorry to cause offence but I've been around this behaviour many times. Have to ask, why weren't you helping him move? And why go in a motorway coffee shop for 3 hours? Wouldn't it have made more sense to wait at his place, or go for a walk? Crying about you telling him that he was on his phone and then having to talk about it 3am - 5am doesn't make sense. It suggests emotional instability, pot will trigger off these things. Especially this super strong stuff nowadays. A lot of pressure moving house, I would tell my gf to come when I'd moved in, as its such a stressful, busy time. However, he's being unreasonable to you and shouting was unnecessary. Again, this suggests an underlying emotional issue. I would suggest ending it with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 1, 2019 Share Posted October 1, 2019 (edited) If you were unwell and knew he was preparing to move, why did you even go that weekend? Why did you sit in the car for 3 hours and not offer to help? Why sit in a coffee shop for 3 hours rather than going back to the hotel to rest if you were unwell? Cut him some slack. If you have ever moved home then you would know that it takes allot to uproot and move your whole life somewhere else. You just got in the middle of that and felt abandoned. He felt even more stressed when you complained about everything. Edited October 1, 2019 by Maddie82 Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted October 2, 2019 Share Posted October 2, 2019 OP, You were both wrong in this story. You were inconsiderate and needy by going down when you were sick and he was moving. He was very immature by both the initial crying and by the blowup/split. Sounds like he needs some counseling to control and process his emotions and to open up. For example, instead of crying about the comment about the phone usage he could have said that hurt me and here's why and you two could have proceeded on a discussion. This may not work out, but you need to have a long and deep conversation about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author haaaaaap Posted October 7, 2019 Author Share Posted October 7, 2019 I have been with my boyfriend a few months. I adore him, he's like no one I've ever been with before. We are extremely similar in terms of what we like, our childhoods etc., we are just different cultures. We live an hour from one another so we are technically in a LDR. Anyway, things sort of played out like a "perfect" relationship when we were dating. We took it very slowly in terms of having sex (didn't have sex until 3 months into dating), but we would spend vast amounts of time together (our first date for example was 12 hours long!). We have connected on a very deep level - he has cried in front of me numerous times in relation to, for example, his PTSD. We've been on holiday together for a week abroad, and he has said things to me such as "I would marry you" or "this is my last relationship" and would say stuff like "I can't believe someone like you actually exists" or "you're so out of my league". We are very similar personalities, and we have become best friends as well as partners in the last few months. Annnnyway, last few weeks have been stressful. He got a promotion, moved house and started working weekends (when we used to have our 12 hour dates). We also had our first argument over something silly that I posted about on here (about waiting in a coffee shop for him to do a run and him picking me up late) for which he said the relationship was over. After a week of silence he met up with me said he overreacted and apologised and asked to get back together. He worked this weekend, but I slept over at his apartment so that we could see each other for a few hours each night. He was really busy running around sorting decorators and stuff for the flat, so we didnt get a chance to properly communicate. We did cuddle/have sex/talk about some stuff but he had to go to bed early for work so we didn't do a lot. I also had a chest infection so was bed bound most of the time. This week, we had a disagreement because of someone he was contacting on Instagram. I told him I was upset. He blanked me for 2 days. Now he has called me saying that I am sabotaging the relationship, leaving him constantly confused and that we are "always arguing" (we've had two arguments). He then said that things have changed between us and that's the elephant in the room. I said it's always awkward after a first argument and it takes time for things to go back to normal, and that, because he has been so busy lately, we haven't had time to communicate properly like we usually do. He said "I don't know" and "I don't know how we will get back to how it was". He said we should speak about it later on tonight or tomorrow. He said he was so busy and that he didn't spend time with his friends anymore and that nothing has really changed in his week that would mean we spent less time together (apart from he now works weekends, when we would usually spend time togethter, or that he now spends his weekends sorting out his house move) so that can't explain the distance between us. ...EH? I am extremely confused and upset. I feel like the two small disagreements we've had have blown up into massive issues. I can't help but feel the silent treatment makes it all so much worse. I don't know what to do. I want to suggest we just make time for each other like we normally do, instead of always seeing each other at the weekend even if it means I am left in his city whilst he works, even if that means seeing each other less. But is there any point? Would you break up with someone who complained once about who they contacted on Instagram? I would usually let someone walk, but we had/have such a good relationship usually. It seems like such a waste. I've never felt a connection like ours. Any ideas? TL;DR: my sort of LDR boyfriend is about to break up with me over a second minor disagreement saying things have changed between us. What's happened? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 What is happening is you have now known him long enough to be finding out what he is like when everything isn't going his way. And unfortunately, you are finding out he is a stickler for having everything go his way and unable to peacefully and calmly work through little everyday issues. In other words, you are just now getting to really see how he is. We are all on our best behavior the first so many months/weeks of a relationship. That's not the real person though. That is the "best version" of the person. They can't keep up the illusion forever though. It gets old and tiring and you start seeing who the person is when they're not trying to impress or the initial thrill has worn off. You always hear people in this situation say, I can't believe he/she is acting this way. I know he/she isn't really like this. He/she changed. He/she used to be so amazing, so nice, so romantic. The longer you know a person, the most recent version you know is closest to the real version. Don't start blaming yourself. He sounds very inflexible. I'm sure you're not perfect, but he's not even trying to work through things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 (edited) Would you break up with someone who complained once about who they contacted on Instagram?No. However I would if I had been amassing a laundry list of complaints that I'd been noticing but not mentioning when this easy out availed itself to me. Unfortunately for you, your relationship is squarely in the area where the "on their best behavior" representatives have been dismissed and the "real you/real him" has come to the fore---and the real him is not feeling you challenging him on what he's doing on IG. He's successfully put you back on your heels, has you all confused, etc and worrrying that you'll be on the garbage heap tomorrow. The real him doesn't like being mothered about his IG use. Find a guy who isn't glued and addicted to IG to the point where he'll throw you over in favor of it. Edited October 7, 2019 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 Ok firstly you are not in a LDR. An hour distance is nothing. Secondly need more information about the Instagram thing - what exactly did he message and to who? Assuming it's a female, was it flirty or something? And how exactly do you know who he is sending messages to? Do you trust him? Thirdly it sounds like he is not in it for the long haul if he is not willing to work through your differences and try to compromise. You can try to talk to him, but if he insists he doesn't want to continue well then you end things and you move on. There's plenty more people in the world you will get along great with as well. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 Would you break up with someone who complained once about who they contacted on Instagram? Possibly. It would depend on who I was contacting and the context of the discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
ajequals Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 might be the culture ,what nationality is he ...He sounds to me like he wants it his way or the highway ,as posted above maybe you didn't see it at first but this doesn't sound like a 50/50 relationship..he wants full control ,you don't want a relationship like that Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 7, 2019 Share Posted October 7, 2019 what I said on the other thread is still valid, about bugging him texting when he's told you he'll be slammed. But still, he's not good when not getting his way. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Who's he been contacting on Instagram? As I said in my first post on this thread, he is looking for a way out. This relationship isn't going to go anywhere, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Would you break up with someone who complained once about who they contacted on Instagram? Who was he messaging? His reaction to you being upset about that tells me that maybe you were overreacting to it. What upset you exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
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