Can I save it?

[Mz. Pixie]

BKZ-

 

Your wife has alot of issues. She's saying that she doesn't need to work on her internal stuff about her childhood because it's causing her pain, NOT because she thinks that she's done with this. Many times when people who have been through what she's been through do not want to revisit the pain by going to therapy and working through issues. Then, that opens up another can of worms- for instance- if I acknowledge that I was abused in some way (i suspect that she was) then I have to decide how I'm going to let that influence by relationships with my mom and stepdad now etc.

 

In the past you've made comments about your mother in law. What's the story there? Is she mentally ill? Was she abusive to your wife? The anxiety attacks and her saying that she is a people pleaser really hits home with me- as my mom was mentally ill and abusive.

 

It is possible that there was more than just watching her sleep at hand here as well.

 

I would try to keep encouraging her to work through those issues. Make sure that she knows she can tell you anything about her past.

 

This last post raises alot of red flags with me! Sorry if I'm asking too many questions.

[bkz]

Mz. Pixie, my wife used to say she was sexually abused by her stepdad (been dead for 10 years now) but in councelling shes talked about him peeping on her and listening in on her phone calls, our counceller calles what happend to her as being perpetrated as he never really touched her from what she remembers. Non the less she did were her one piece bakini to bed in case he did try and do somthing. When she finaly accused him of these things no one really believed her and her sister thats 2 years older said he never did anything to her. She back off of her accusations as he was a school teacher and it ruind his reputation, she clames she backed off to protect him and take away the birden it was puting on her mother. Not long after she was checked into a mental hospital by the phsycologist she was seing at the time, no one but her dad came to see her or supported her in her time of need as they all thought she was just looking for attention or playing the victum, she still is allways the victum even today. By protecting her mom she feels shes allways tried to please her including in our sitch, since she brought up the D word no one has steped up (except her dad) to support her or validate her feelings and her aunts/uncles, mom/stepdad, step sister/brother and cousins all live her in the same town as us but they all really have taken my side (if you want to call it that). Everone has told her she needs to deal with the issues and try and make our marriage work, that things arent as bad as she thinks and shed be making a huge mistake in giving up on us at this point espessially with the addoption of two of our kids just being final the end of June. Her dad lives 5 hours away and is not around us much plus sees only my wifes side of things. When he found out the councellor was telling my wife she needed meds for depression and had "deep" imotional issures to deal with he even had her sign a waiver so he could call our counceller and tell HIS side of things concerning our marriage, talk about controlling!!!!! My mother inlaw has no mental issues, she has congestive heart failure (they gave her 3-5 years a couple of years ago) and just got done with breast cancer surgery and is starting radiation next week. Thing is we have a VERY close relationship and I think that causes problems at times with me and my wife. Im VERY close with my wifes family, far closer than her at this point esspesially. Hope this sheds a bit of light on some things?

[bkz]

And please ask as many ?'s as youd like!! Ive been completely honest with all that ive said, im only looking to keep my family together and anything that can help me do that is GREATLY appritiated. My wife is not nuts imo I just feel that shes got alot of issues medical and phsycological but I love her regardless more that anything. Thanks to everyone for taking the time to keep up on my situation.

[Mz. Pixie]

It's possible that she was actually abused and has blocked it out or is choosing to move past that because of the guilt she feels for what she did to him by exposing.

 

More often than not, you're not believed when you tell- so that doesn't surprise me but I find it hard to believe that people lie about sexual abuse. Especially considering that she has so much anxiety and so many issues. Usually covering up something like that can cause that.

 

As far as her dad- she should have never signed that waiver!!! Her counseling was her private thing and it wasn't his place to intervene. What's funny is that I can totally see my mother trying to do that at some point or another when I went to counseling finally- but I would have never given in for it.

 

My mother continually accused me of playing the victim. Well, I WAS a victim- of sexual, mental, emotional and physical abuse at the hands of her and my stepfather. I know what it feels to be played against your whole entire family when really you're the innocent one.

 

I'm not saying your wife's situation is like mine- perhaps she is the culprit here. At any rate, a good counselor should be able to get to the bottom of it. Could the counselor have perhaps told her something she didn't want to hear about her OWN personality or self?

 

Patience is going to be the key here. I only broke down and asked my exhusband for a divorce after the following had happened: I supported my mother financially while she was having hospice, she died on Christmas Day and I paid for her funeral- I moved my critically ill grandmother who was 92 in the house with me and my family and took care of her- I had tremendous financial strain in my marriage, I had a hysterectomy and then a week later, the only mother I'd ever know (my grandmother) died. I buried her- paying for it. I had been in charge of everything and everyone thought I was so strong, but that final blow made me reevaluate everything. I ended up having the A and in the end leaving him (not for the guy I had the A with).

Can you see a progression in my anxiety level leading up to what happened?

 

I wish I had more concrete answers for you. The only thing I think you can do at this time is to keep up what you're doing as far as showing your love to your wife- try to keep the drama down- and encourage her to tell you what's bothering her and to keep seeing the counselor.

 

Feel free to PM me at anytime.

[bkz]

Mz. Pixie, thank you so much for the insite, it really helps.

My wifes dad is very controlling and has allways made her feel guilty (very easy to do) to get what he wants from her, its allways been a sore spot with me but ive not made an issue out of it because of her devotion to him. We have the same councellor and its not like my mom or anyone else for that matter has tried to get involved or esspesially tried to call and voice THERE oppinion!!!!! Needless to say I feel very angry with him for budding in and I feel hes sort of an enabler to her by validating her feelings and telling her theres nothing wrong or she has no issues. He told me on the phone recently he feels shes just a "unique" person. Can you say denial!!!

Im not by any means trying to discreding my wifes feelings in regards to what happend with her stepdad. Regardless of wether she was touched or not what he did was wrong and she has every right to be angry, hurt and feel let down by the way she was treated by her family at the time. My wife has a good family and they've really tried to be there for her in the past, but with her its allways something. She is a very outgoing cheerfull person and is truely one of the most buitifull women youd ever see, witch makes people feel even better when they find out how humble and kind she it and not a total snob like you might think when you first see her. Problem is she does alot of complaining, is VERY opinionated and is real critical of people and the disisions they make in there lives, even when its none of her buisness she still feels the need to get involved or at least say something to me about it. She has allways been unhappy on and off and allways blames it on the people/things around her, NEVER on herself or something being wrong with her. Her family is just tierd I think of the cycle and never knows how shes gonna act toward them from one moment to the next, its allways THERE fault if my wife doesnt feel shes getting the support/love she needs from them and they all wonder weather she capable of being happy for more than a short period at a time. My mother inlaw has told her she wonders if she can ever be happy and that she had no worrys shed find somthing to worry about, my wife is just a total stress case PERIOD!! But god do I love her soooooo much and im the only one whos ever made her happy, everyone around us realizes that and says so to her and me.

[bkz]

Ok mabye too much reading but im gonna update anyway from last night/this morning. Hang with me please!!

 

First thing is and please tell me if you feel it may be true, I feel that us having sex on Tuesday morning may have scared her or set her back a bit? Mabye things have just moved too fast to this point?

 

Last night she made me dinner and we talked a bit, nothing serious. Then I took a couple magazines she saved for me to be and layed by myself reading, this is a BIG 180 for me as ive never read in bed she allways does. Ive made alot of changes the last couple of months but the reading in bed I just started last week as I didnt want to do too much at one time. She came in a couple of times and tried to get me to hang out in the family room in front of the fire but I said I was fine here. She came back and asked was I upset? then came back again and asked if I was mad at her? I said no im just real relaxed and enjoying my quiet time. She came back in to get something a while later and said wow I cant believe your in here reading youve really changed alot and I really like it I think its great. We lied in bed and talked for a bit a looked at some ornements to buy for my family for X-mas as we do a large ornement exchange every year, so her looking into that is a big plus to me since the plan has been to go to so. cal for X-mas to be with my family. This morning she again asked me if everything was ok and I told her yes im just real relaxed, she said you really are ive never seen you this relaxed. She also brought me a cup of tea to bed. I rubbed her feet when I got up and she was very receptive to that. Then when she was getting ready I thought id test her a bit and I came up from behind her and held her and told her how sexy she looked in my t-shirt. I asked her if it made her feel uncomfortable do this and she said no. I got a kiss goodbye this morning and everything seemed ok. Im not sure how much of our conversation last night after her councelling she remembers as things "seem" to be exactly how theyve been the last few weeks? When she takes the Ambiam (plus drinking wine) she gets very lacadazacle and often doesnt recall some of our conversations. Thanks again for any responses everyone I do appritate it!!

[Mz. Pixie]

Since we can't post links to other sites on this site, I suggest you google Borderline Personality Disorder. There is a site called bpd central and perhaps you could read a little there and see if you think your wife may suffer from this? Not trying to pin anything on her but just take a look at the different types and see what you think.

 

Yes, it's possible that making love with you scared her and she's needing time to get used to the idea of you guys being intimate again.

 

Have you tried giving her compliments and flirting with her a bit? Not the usual compliments but something different? For instance, if you tell her she's sexy alot- then try something else like complimenting how great she did something for you? Build her self esteem??

 

Just a thought. Google the site and read it- then let me know what you think.

[bkz]

I looked at the site with regarding bpd, there is defiantely alot there. Problem is whenever I look into other stuff like bipolar/manic depressive or other personallity disorders theres alot of simptoms there as well. I think everyone close to us thinks theres some sort of personallity disorder with my wife. The phsyciatrist also said it is possible that she bipolar but still isnt ready to commit to that diagnosis yet and think shes possibley someone with at the very least deep emotionall issues that need to be delt with and medication is something shes recomended to my wife but shes unwilling at this point to accept that. She has gotten some anti-anxiety pill from her neurologist and they've help her when she takes them. As ive stated before, I am so hesitant to blame our issues on my wifes medical/mental stuff, as ive done plenty to contribute to the problems with our marriage, ie... neglect, taking her and the kids for granted, not meeting her needs sexually or emotionally at times and mostly just being complacent/too comfortable in our daily lives. My wife is high maintanance and requires more attention then most, but I should know that and shouldve done a better job taking care of her needs and havent until now. I feel like mabye im still in denial myself a little bit about there being anything really wrong with her? Thanks again for the input Mz. Pixie, youve really been there for me through this and I appritiate it more that you know!

[Mz. Pixie]

That's why I come here! To try and help!

 

It's good that you want to take responsibility but if in fact she does have a personality disorder then that would explain alot. They very rarely seek treatment as they think the problem belongs to everyone else so if her therapist told her something along these lines it may have something to do with her thinking her issues do not need therapy.

 

If you guys don't make it, you can look back and say you gave it your all!

 

I too am high maintenance when it somes to attention and love from my partner. I think because I feel I didn't get enough of it when I was younger and I can't get "filled" up.

[bkz]

That's why I come here! To try and help!

I too am high maintenance when it somes to attention and love from my partner. I think because I feel I didn't get enough of it when I was younger and I can't get "filled" up.

 

This is how we all feel about my wife. She just seems to allways want more, we can all change and improve but she just continues to raise the bar even more like shes never satisfied.

 

Last night was real good. When I got home she was doing house work and watching Opra and Dr Phil and seemed a little anoyed by me being in the room. She asked if I was going to the gym, I said mabye I might go run some arrands, she asked like what? I said I dunno mabye I will go to the gym. She noticed that I got a hair cut and also noticed I bought a new hat and said I looked good. Kinda dumb buying a new hat after just getting a hair cut huh?!!!! Oh well I liked the hat. Anyways she said, you could just stay home with your family you know. I said that id like that and i'll just go work on the kids new swing set. So I went out and hung out with the kids on the playground for the next couple of hours till it got dark. When I came in she had dinner ready and started making comments about how good I looked and how she wanted me. Well we got the kids down, I took a shower she took a bath and we had some really good sex! Needless to say we both slepped great and had a nice chat this morning about needing to get started saving some money for a new veicle for her, we've been thinking about that for the last year or so. There was zero tention this morning and I got a nice kiss and hug goodbye. Shes staying home to clean the house for my parents arrival tonight and seemed like she was looking forward to seing them, a big plus as shes mentioned being nervouse about them coming in the past couple weeks. I guess I just need to stop reading so much into what she says and realize things are going good and will just take time. Mabye I need to be more patiant (if thats possible) and stop letting some of the things we talk about convince me that things arent going to work out, its causing me way too much stress thats probley unessasary at this point?

[bkz]

Guess somthing I was trying to point out in my last post is..... Whenever I act kinda suspisious, like telling her I may go run a couple arrands or be non spacifice about what im doing, she seem to warm up to me or not want me to leave. At least thats the way its seemed to me lately?

[Mz. Pixie]

She likes the changes in you and is interested in what you're up to- that can only be a good thing!

 

Thumbs up on the lovemaking. it really seems like you are on your way!!!!

[bkz]

Thanks for the incouragment Mz. Pixie. Im gonna have alot going on this weekend so i'll update monday. I am feeling realy good about things right now, just trying not to get to "up" and keep as even keeled as I can. Boy it feels great though to have come this far in such a short time!!!!

[Mz. Pixie]

Waiting on an update........

[ycagwyw]

First let me say you sound like a very loving husband. I can explain what is up with your wife. Here is what it is. She knows that she has not done everything she could for this marriage. At some point, she knew she should do things for you, but she didn't do them. In order to make herself feel better, she began justifying her actions. She did this A LOT until she created a self-justified, distorted world. Once in this place, she NEEDS you to act in a way that continues to justify her actions. Althought outwardly she wants you to be a good husband, inside she wants you to be bad. Because you being bad justifies her distorted world. Thus - when you started acting how she SAID she wanted you to, she actually got upset, becuase you were not longer justifying her distorted world and you were forcing her to face the reality. That is my best guess at why she seems to go back and forth. For more on this, read a book called "Leadership and Self-Deception : Getting out of the Box". Now, the other possibility is that has a pretty serious psychiatric condition...but my explanation offers an explanation that does not assume any condition exists.

[bkz]

ycagwyw, thanks for the input. I will say you may be on to something with your assesment but.... my wife definatley has some mental/imotional issues, how serious im not sure. Funny thing is this morning in bed we talked a bit about the marriage and she started crying a bit. She said she felt she hadnt been there for me like she shouldve in the past and really felt she had let me down. At the wedding we were in on Sat. she said what the pasture was talking about really hit home, he talked about being a support system for your spouse unconditionally and my wife on the way home said ive allways been that for her and thats something in our marriage she really appritiates.

[bkz]

Waiting on an update........

 

An update you will have!!!!!

 

Well things couldnt have gone better this weekend. On Friday I got the kids in there tuxes for the wedding while my wife got ready. She came out to leave and asked how she looked, my god she looked stunning!!!! So I told her how buitiful she was and she said thanks I love you honey and gave me a nice kiss! WHAT!!? I was a bit shocked to here that and didnt even say it back I was so surprised. I went out to the truck when she was leaving and wispered in her ear I love you too, she said again I really do love you and i'll see you at the wedding in a bit. We danced and held hands the whole time at the reception and things have just been awsome. This morning she told me she told a good freind of ours yesterday that she is happy and really thinks our marriage is gonna be better than ever, she said our freind hugged her and said how happy she was for us. We told each other we loved each other this morning after our talk. She also told me she is just so happy with what a great father and husband ive become and if I ever go back to the old me she'll be gone!! Needless to say ive got some proving to do but over time she'll see im me to stay and this is our new marriage with a new me. We have councelling tonight and have decided to continue to go togeather on a regular bases to make sure we can learn to communicate with each other the best way possible. Still a ways to go I guess but I just am soooooo happy at this point with how things are going and we even made plans for Thanks Giving this weekend and Christmas with my parents while they were here as well. I cant thank you all enough for all the help, espessially you Mz. Pixie as youve really been there to lend insight and advice since the beginning of my posting. I will continue to update, thanks again!!!!

[Mz. Pixie]

Thanks fella!

 

I'm glad the weekend went well. Just keep up what you're doing and prove to her that you can change.