snowboy91 Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Hi all, My current GF and I have been officially together just over a year. She is incredibly kind to me and we have a lot of things we enjoy doing together, but for whatever reason I've been feeling a little frustrated. She often has mental health issues (depression and anxiety which lead to dissociation at times), so I'm doing my best to ensure the activities we do minimise the drain on her emotional energy. We either do quiet activities with just the two of us, or minimise the amount of time seeing friends in larger groups. Most of the time when I want to see my friends, she invites herself along, so I have to carefully consider the amount of time spent with these friends since she eventually gets drained (she won't tell me, but I can tell when she's tired). Although lately I've gone to see friends without her, and I can't help feeling guilty about it since I get a feeling she would prefer I spend the time with her. I keep feeling as if her happiness and emotional energy depends on what I decide to do, so even our weeknight or weekend activities have to consider her. I'm naturally a very social person and enjoy seeing friends all the time, but I feel I'm not able to make any plans since I have to consider my partner as well. I also get the feeling a lot of her social life and life goals revolve around me, since she has few of her own friends and isn't interested in any hobbies that don't involve me. So I feel as if it's a bit of a burden to be responsible for someone else in this way. I feel horrible for saying this, but I feel a bit smothered and stuck at the moment. We work in the same place so we effectively spend 24/7 with each other, and I feel as if I need space to do my own activities without feeling restricted, and to set my own goals. I suppose I'm asking for advice on how to dig myself out of this feeling... whether it be just by putting up with it or trying to change something. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Well, of course you feel smothered. You need to have a talk with her. I mean, it's been mostly you being super nice and considerate and making allowances for her problems. But you need to get her to agree to you having maybe one guy's nite out every couple of weeks or once a month without her in tow. Just tell her you want her to be comfortable and not get tired, but that you don't want to always have to cut the night short and that you think as long as it was preplanned, that she shouldn't have a problem with you going. Either that, or send her home early in an Uber. If she is truly making demands that you spend every minute with her, well, that doesn't work for most people, so don't feel bad about it. That IS smothering. I just feel you might be able to just have a talk with her. She can spend the evening however she wants. Get a pedi or massage, visit family or friends live or on the internet, whatever. So maybe make it clear this would be limited (one time every whatever you agree to) and her choice to come with you (this should make her feel secure) and get poured into an Uber early while you stay on OR she stays home and does whatever she wants. Ask her which option she'd prefer. Tell her you want more time with your friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Firstly you come across as a very considerate boyfriend, so well done. Secondly you need to talk to her. Tell her how you feel, that you sometimes need your own time to see your own friends and do your own thing. As mentioned, maybe put one day a week a side for this and see how it goes. Encourage her to make new friends, or make plans with the friends that she has. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 I'm naturally a very social person and enjoy seeing friends all the time, but I feel I'm not able to make any plans since I have to consider my partner as well. You're not really describing someone in a relationship. When you have a partner, your plans naturally consider them as they're the focus of your activity and social life. And you do this because you want to, not because you feel you have to. At this stage, sounds like you'd be better off being single... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Not really surprising that you feel this way snowboy. This is what happens when you assume responsibility for someone else’s mental health... It’s a heavy burden to carry... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 You're not really describing someone in a relationship. When you have a partner, your plans naturally consider them as they're the focus of your activity and social life. And you do this because you want to, not because you feel you have to. At this stage, sounds like you'd be better off being single... Mr. Lucky Agree totally. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Snowboy, I say this as someone who's been where your g/f is: you're too nice. I fear that you will lose yourself, and I also suspect you're enabling her. Is she seeking help from a psychologist to overcome these issues? If not, is she aware that she can get 10 Medicare funded sessions per year through her GP? Ask for a Mental Health Care Plan. And meds are really good too If she hasn't already done so, she needs to have a good chat with her GP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 A smart person once told me that guilt is the feeling you have to take care of someone other than yourself. But it's not doing you or her any favors for you to neglect your own happiness so you can "take care" of her. That means you're serving as a crutch, so she's not learning to cope with life and strengthen her own mental and emotional health. Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowboy91 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Share Posted October 9, 2019 Is she seeking help from a psychologist to overcome these issues? If not, is she aware that she can get 10 Medicare funded sessions per year through her GP? Ask for a Mental Health Care Plan. And meds are really good too She's back to seeing her psychologist. Although given these have been recurring issues for 10+ years, I don't think it will be solved all that easily. A smart person once told me that guilt is the feeling you have to take care of someone other than yourself. But it's not doing you or her any favors for you to neglect your own happiness so you can "take care" of her. That means you're serving as a crutch, so she's not learning to cope with life and strengthen her own mental and emotional health. She puts everything aside for me when my mental health is bad, so I feel it's only fair I do the same for her... but at the same time I feel it's more than I can cope with, and I feel really guilty for that reason. But I do it anyway, and almost fall to pieces myself trying not to make it seem like I'm neglecting her. Link to post Share on other sites
ajequals Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 just be honest and tell her you need some time to yourself Link to post Share on other sites
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