GF of 4 years cold, left unexpectedly

[YourFavouriteWeapon]

I dated my gf (25) for 4 years. I am a 29 y/o male. It has been nearly 2 months since the break up and there has been zero contact. During the entire relationship, we were very close, best friends. The entire time she showed love towards me and acted as if I was some celebrity, she was highly attracted to me. She never held back from saying she wanted a future and family with me. She’d ask often “are you really mine?” And I always replied with “as long as you keep me”.

 

She usually stated something along the lines of that she was going to marry me one day. We had the same views in life, clicked overly well. It seemed so right. We did stop going out but only because she wanted to stay in due to being tired from work. She never had good friends but finally became close with co-workers and went out with them to bars a few times. One of them was her age and a female, (she never really had a loyal female friend). This co-worker I believe may have been somewhat of an influence but I could be wrong.

 

When she left me unexpectedly, she stayed that she felt empty and deserved to be loved. Now, at about 2 years into 4 years into dating, I was prescribed Adderall for my ADHD. It made me act very irritable and mimicked my behavior out to be somewhat bipolar with constant mood swings, never verbally abusive but at low moods. I struggled with anxiety and depression before which she was aware of and constantly helped me but the Adderall killed my mood and libido. I became addicted to it unknowingly and realized it after the relationship ended.

 

I confessed this to her and explained how it made me behave/act differently, told her I respected her space/decision and instantly I quit the Adderall cold turkey and began seeing a counselor who taught me CBT techniques. I reverted back to the person she fell in love with originally within 2 weeks of quitting and seeking therapy. And I know she knows this because I write my own blog to help and motivate others and I was open about my addiction and practice of CBT techniques and how it has transformed me into a better person. I wasn’t specific in the vlog and didn’t even mention the break up so it didn’t come off as desperate. It came off as transparent and a way to help others.

 

I haven’t shown any feelings of vulnerability or begging to her and nothing showing weakness on social media. In fact, I have actually been excelling in life. I’m an avid runner and after quitting my soul sucking job field, it released a weight from my shoulder that has led to better running performance and a new career field that is a much better and positive fit. However, I’m surprised that my ex hasn’t reached out at all. I suspect it could be an ego thing but it’s just very shocking to me because she has been cold and seems like I’m an enemy through the break up.

 

I have never begged or seemed desperate, I’ve only grown more but personal growth and becoming a better person was always priority to me and my strive to grow helped her become better too. So I’m surprised to say the least, I love this girl and I want her back but I realize it probably won’t happen. I’m moreso just confused and I feel she may eventually come back but the timeline and situation is different for everyone. I’m no narcissist but I love myself and am a confident person.

 

I am not worried about finding someone else but our relationship just seemed very right, we had too much chemistry and clicked well even when I was moody from my ADHD meds. There’s really no signs of reconciliation that I can think of but I could be off here, but I suspect that she may have expected me to come back to beg/plead eventually and is thrown off that I haven’t since this is what most dumpees do. But I know that would only push her away. Just surprised that she hasn’t reached out so i don’t know if it’s an ego thing.

Edited October 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly? I know you don't want to hear this, but it very much sounds like she has met someone else.

 

I would concentrate on continuing your healing. It sounds like you're doing great so far. You will get through this and you will probably meet a young lady who's a better match for you.

[elaine567]

The trouble with history is that it is not all suddenly erased when a partner decides to change their life and become a better person due to being dumped.

Your gf has no doubt got years of bad memories, years of putting up with "bad stuff", years of being frustrated and miserable.

Living with someone who is "irritable", depressed and anxious with big mood swings and low libido is not easy and there is a toll taken.

She made a decision to leave, she no doubt feels it was the right decision and is in no mood to go back there again.

Looking back you see only the good stuff, how she loved and cared for you, how she wanted to marry you, she doesn't have these good memories...

[Maddie82]

This co-worker I believe may have been somewhat of an influence but I could be wrong.

 

When she left me unexpectedly, she stayed that she felt empty and deserved to be loved. It made me act very irritable and mimicked my behavior out to be somewhat bipolar with constant mood swings, never verbally abusive but at low moods. I struggled with anxiety and depression before which she was aware of and constantly helped me but the Adderall killed my mood and libido. Just surprised that she hasnÂ’t reached out so i donÂ’t know if itÂ’s an ego thing.

 

No, the co-worker was not an influence and it's not an ego thing. You are just trying to pin blame on anything other that what was really to blame for her leaving. You. It's great that you have been overcoming your issues and doing well, but while you were under that Adderall spell and behaving the way you were, she was struggling and wasn't coping with it (unbeknownst to you). She wont reach out for fear of you slipping back under that spell (it happens. I too suffer with depression and severe anxiety).

[schlumpy]

I concur with Expat in that she met someone else when she was introduced to an exciting new life through her bar hopping friends.

 

Do not rely on NC to bring her back. NC is for you to heal and move on. I'm very pleased to see that you are very self aware and in control of your own emotions. You have done everything right except moving on. Dump her memorabilia. Get rid of old phone numbers and block her phone as well as all social media. Make a clean break.

 

Is there a piece of furniture that reminds you of her? Get rid of it. Favorite restaurant you two ate at? Avoid it.

 

Even if she contacts you again it will NEVER be the same. She won't be same person you loved so you will have to be satisfied with your memories.

 

I suspect that you will do well in the future so I have no fear for you.

[mark clemson]

There are other possibilities than what have been mentioned so far and I find it interesting that this went from "ILY forever" to total NC so quickly. However, a post-mortem doesn't really matter overmuch - every relationship is somewhat unique. It does indeed seem like accepting this for what it is and moving on is your best option here. Do suggest you try to ensure there's less of a rocky road for any future partners as much as possible.

[preraph]

So in those 4 years, did you ever ask her to marry you? I see she has brought it up for discussion herself? You know, there is conventional wisdom that you can't just date a guy forever with no forward movement and should move to the next one if you ever want to have kids. After 4 years, I'd think you'd be engaged.

 

 

And you went through a bad time. Don't blame her friends on it. She has her own functioning brain.

 

I mean, she said, I deserved to be loved. She felt you were just killing time and then you had the mood problems to cap it off. If you want her, you better assure her you are doing everything you can for your disorder, plus ask her to marry you.

[SirEgg]

Hey bro, sorry for the tough break.

I can't help but think that after 4 years the most likely reason she left would be that yall weren't engaged.

Kudo's for working on your anxiety and everything else. But go easy on yourself about her leaving. My own experience with CBT can be summarized as "learning to let go". Her reasons for leaving may just be one more thing for you to let go. Keep grinding bro.

[healing light]

Let me just say, when people have longstanding mental health issues and they tell you they are reformed, it can ring pretty hollow. I don't doubt things have really improved for you after getting off an incompatible medication, but it might sound like an empty promise/delusional line of thinking to her after so many years or a veiled attempt to entice her back in, even if it requires her going to your vlog to find out.

 

And you can't really blame her if this is the case, because depending on the mental health issues involved, it can take years for people to have any kind of consistent improvement. Rome wasn't built in a day. She doesn't have any guarantees it was the Adderall since she hasn't been around you since you've been off of it, and that doesn't mean whatever pre-existing problems you had that may have had her walking on eggshells are gone, either. That's the end effect of mood swings: the feeling of walking on eggshells for your partner and over time that's exhausting, never knowing how to prevent triggering the other person.

 

I think you have a few issues going against you here: your history and the lack of a proposal when she expressed direct interest in marriage. Also, breaking up may have been somewhat of a relief for her to find her bearings again.

 

I agree with the other poster that there is also a possibility that she met someone else. So... with all these things, I feel that you should either focus on moving on or if you really want her back, pursue her properly. Don't wait for her to come to you--I don't think that is going to happen.

[ajequals]

I agree 4 years... no ring. she's out of here

[GeorgiaPeach1]

My take is that 2 months is way too short of a time to soften the bad memories, to where she's able to remember the good things about you and why she fell in love.

 

IF--and this is a very big IF--she's able to get to this place emotionally, you're looking at least 6-12 months of NC.

 

Resuming things where they left off is not an option here. It would be starting a brand new relationship with her and getting to know each other all over again.

[Flame Aura]

She is your ex for a reason.

 

 

You seem to be doing well so look towards the future, hopefully with someone else, not the past.

[mixedblood]

when ever a woman goes cold or leaves unexpectedly she either cheated, or has overwhelming feelings for someone else.

[Lotsgoingon]

Really I think you want to concentrate on your own wellbeing for a bit.

 

I don't get the whole Adderall problem. Doctors adjust the dose if the patient reports moody side effects. That's with any med, and certainly that's the case with Adderall when treating someone for ADHD. No effect, doctor gradually increases dose. Too much effect, doctor decreases dose. There is immediate release and extended release. Doctors and patients try those versions.

 

There are medications similar to Adderall--like Dexedrine or Vyvanse. And people get switched to those ... or they get switched to one of the various Ritalin family of medications if Adderall doesn't really work.

 

ADHD treatment requires trial and error. Did you go through that trial and error, reporting the problems back to your prescribing doctor?

 

Relationships can be nearly impossible if you don't have some kind of control of your ADHD. Your best investment, keep with the CBT ... and experiment with getting the symptoms under control.