I can't see her ever wanting to try to reconcile

[Jase1980]

Hi all, first time poster here.

 

My wife of 10 years (been together nearly 15 years) and mother of our 2 children told me 6 months ago that she had been deeply unhappy for the prior 18 months and that she wanted us to separate / break up and that she couldn’t see any way that we could recover from it.

 

For those 18 months my anxiety levels had shot through the roof as I had become self employed for the first time and it was a lot more stressful than anything I had ever experienced before, but I stuck with it because I don’t like to fail and give up so soon after taking such a big jump and also because I was making better money than I ever had before which was great for our family. Because of the anxiety I genuinely had no idea that the way I was acting with her (being snappy, not speaking with her like we used to, not doing anything with her, and to my shame shouting needlessly at the kids because I was so tired and stressed) had made her so very unhappy. She never showed me that she was overly unhappy or concerned about our future, so I guess I just plodded on as I was as there was no warning signals for me to address. But 6 months ago after I`d had a particularly bad day she came to me and said that she didn’t think either of us were happy, that she loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore and hadn’t been for a while and that she wanted to separate and it was to be permanent. I was just in disbelief that something that was once so special had come to this conversation and I was totally and completely blindsided by it.

 

I did all the usual – pleading, begging, crying, etc – but to no avail and of course it just pushed her further away, and after 2 weeks of this I moved in with a friend while I waited for a rental property to become available a few weeks later. But something incredible happened during the 2 weeks after I moved out - I still seen her often because of the kids and I tried my very best with her and to show her how much i would change and to my much surprise she opened up quite a bit and was letting me kiss her and hold her and just generally being quite intimate with her (without having sex) like we hadn’t had in a long time – so much so that when it came to the day of me signing my lease on the rental property she told me not to do it and too move back in and that we could do this. I was ecstatic, if someone had told me a month earlier that this would have been possible I would have told them that they were barking mad!

 

So I moved back in and it was honestly like we were a new couple again, we were getting on great, making love like we hadn’t done in years and spending a lot of quality time together just the 2 of us going out and doing things without the kids. She told me often that she loved me and I could see it in her eyes that she absolutely meant it. Then a month later my world shattered – i had noticed for a few days that something was up and went to her, and she told me that her wall had gone back up, that she just couldn’t forget the hurt she had felt for the past 18 months / 2 years and that we were over for good and that there was no aim of working it out in her mind now, that we were over for good and she could never go back to us again and that she never would. I could have understood this if I had moved back in and had not made any changes, but I was honestly the best version of myself that I have ever know and showed her nothing but love and respect during this time. again the begging, pleading, etc took place and of course that just pushed her away again, and again I moved back in with my friend until I could sort out a new rental place to move into. She let me fully go ahead with it this time and that’s me been in for a few months now and there has been no intimacy or anything like that with her this time, it`s difficult to even get her engaged in conversations now and it has absolutely broke my heart that this is how things are now. She is adamant that we are over forever and that I should feel free to start dating other people as soon as I want to, because there is never any going back for her.

 

It might possibly be worth adding that her parents went through a terrible separation and divorce when she was young and she got hurt her very badly during this and it destroyed her relationship with her mum. When we first got together she made me promise never to hurt her as she wouldn’t be able to take it, but unfortunately I have hurt her but it was completely unintentional and I genuinely had no idea I was doing it due to my anxiety. i would do anything and everything to make this up to her but she isnt giving me the opportunity to do it.

 

Should also note that my work related anxiety has all but lifted now, I can see now just how needlessly I was letting work affect me and I’ve never been so awake to what is truly important to me now and worthy of my thoughts.

 

Has anyone else been in such a seemingly hopeless situation that they were able to turn around? Until a couple of years ago we really were one of the best couples in the world and she agrees with this also. I still hold out some hope that the separation and time apart might be just what she needs for us to come back together, but to be honest it is just taking us further apart in my opinion. She has given me no indication that she has any regrets or ever will. Given what we had in the past was pretty special I am remaining positive that one day she might have a change of heart, but I am also terrified and feel sick at the thought that she might also meet someone else before this happens

[Art_Critic]

Hey Jase, it seems like you are on a roller coaster and she seems to be putting you on it.

Until you get off of it it's going to be hard to figure out what to do, for starters I would find out who the other guy is.. yep..

 

Once you figure that out you will have a better understanding of where you sit.

Sorry to have to break it to you but from this side looking in there is a 3rd party involved you are not aware of, coworker, ex, someone new.. but someone.

In my experience women with children and a long term marriage don't leave a marriage because of a bad 18 months unless there is abuse or they have someone else to soften their landing.

[Jase1980]

Hey Jase, it seems like you are on a roller coaster and she seems to be putting you on it.

Until you get off of it it's going to be hard to figure out what to do, for starters I would find out who the other guy is.. yep..

 

Once you figure that out you will have a better understanding of where you sit.

Sorry to have to break it to you but from this side looking in there is a 3rd party involved you are not aware of, coworker, ex, someone new.. but someone.

In my experience women with children and a long term marriage don't leave a marriage because of a bad 18 months unless there is abuse or they have someone else to soften their landing.

 

Art critic hi, I know many would say this but I am as certain as someone can be that there is no one else as a reason for her calling us off and you’ll need to trust me in that. I am actually 100% on it. She has been entirely honest with me about her reasons for wanting to break up in that I’ve lost her trust due to hurting her and this in her eyes can’t be recovered. If there had been someone else she would tell me as she knows that would finish it forever for me, and her current state of mind is that she sees it as being finished forever. If there had been someone else I wouldn’t have got the opportunity to move back in originally if there had been someone else involved. She has extremely limited time for anything like this either due to the kids.

[preraph]

I guess she can't get over seeing your dark side. It's usual for couples breaking up to put in one more big effort to make it work, and you guys did that. She probably knew you were really trying, just like when you are new to a relationship, but she knows that's not going to be like that all the time.

 

Seems like there's two types: Those who can't ever quite let go and just put up with more and more because of some need in themselves to not be alone or fear of change; and those who lose that feeling and can never trust you again and she's in the latter.

 

I mean, she left you when you were making more money than ever, so at least you know that it wasn't about money ever. It's about how she feels about you now. That got lost. Sorry.

[Jase1980]

I guess she can't get over seeing your dark side. It's usual for couples breaking up to put in one more big effort to make it work, and you guys did that. She probably knew you were really trying, just like when you are new to a relationship, but she knows that's not going to be like that all the time.

 

Seems like there's two types: Those who can't ever quite let go and just put up with more and more because of some need in themselves to not be alone or fear of change; and those who lose that feeling and can never trust you again and she's in the latter.

 

I mean, she left you when you were making more money than ever, so at least you know that it wasn't about money ever. It's about how she feels about you now. That got lost. Sorry.

 

Thing is, she knows my changes are pretty much permanent and she’s happy for me and our boys that this is the case, but that it still can’t undo what went before.

 

Most frustrating part of this for me is that the month I spent back in the house after living with my friend for a couple of weeks should have been a HELP even if she did later decide that we needed some time apart, but instead it looks to have been a massive error even though I showed her everything that I had to and she agrees that I did and that I couldn’t have done any more

[FMW]

So your bad behavior ("being snappy, not speaking with her like we used to, not doing anything with her, and to my shame shouting needlessly at the kids because I was so tired and stressed") for 18 months completely killed a fifteen year relationship that includes parenting children? That doesn't sound right to me.

 

If you had been unfaithful or physically abusive then sure. But what you've shared doesn't seem to meet the reasonable bar for closing the door on 15 years.

 

Also, I don't believe any of us can be 100% sure about what we ourselves might do in a given situation, much less what someone else is (or is not) doing. Life experience makes me unable to "trust you" on the issue of her fidelity. I'm not saying she does have someone else, but to just not be so confident you have the full picture.

[preraph]

It's about loss of trust, I imagine. You can't unsee something.

[schlumpy]

I know you said that you are 100 percent sure there isn't another guy but my radar went up big time when she urged you to see other women as soon as you could. What else could be driving that impulse but guilt?

[Maturest]

Have you tried marriage counselling, maybe a third party could bring out what is actually going on. I would think if she was that afraid of you she wouldn't have let you move back in the house with her and the two children, just doesn't make sense.

[perplexed01]

Wow this is VERY similar to my situation. I certainly don't want to high jack your post. I came here looking for answers too. I'd love to get more insight for sure. When I can, I'm going to start a different thread not to mess up yours, but here's a quick overview of my similar situation. You're not alone...

My wife, all of a sudden, decided to separate after 12 years marriage. Together for 15 years. No kids. Like you, I had a recent occupational change to self-employment to be together more (we hoped to start a family). We both worked long 18 hour days for years (we were changing that). We got along exceptionally well (up to the last few years much to my surprise) She previously didn't communicate that to me at all. We're very similar and never raised our voice. Usually, we saw things very much alike. Yet, everything fell apart VERY fast. During a very rare disagreement, she up and announced she wanted to separate. I didn't see it coming and was shocked...how did we possibly find ourselves here?  Like you, she also said she didn't see a way back.

Everything was normal sexually and relationship-wise up until the end of May 2018 when this was all brought up. From there, we agreed on eight weeks to assess the situation still living in our home together and in the same bed. We even cuddled and kissed every night, just no sex. After those weeks went by (she admitted they were great), she then said: you've been the husband of the year for those eight weeks but felt it was unnatural because I now knew there was a problem. Ultimately she felt the same way. By mid-July, she told me she wanted to go forward with the separation. She already found a realtor to get a quote on our house. My options were...we could sell or I could buy her out. She told me she retained a lawyer to draft a separation agreement that we both should sign. Seven days later the house was on the market...Then it sold, We still slept in the same bed, right up to closing. In fact, we had a bath together three days before the close of the house.

I last saw her when we moved out at the start of Nov. She bought a new house somehow in her maiden name with her parent's help and by the beginning of December took possession. She has reverted back to her maiden name, and her family has cut all association with me.  Initially, they were in just as much shock.  We still text every couple of days. I'm completely heartbroken.  I invested every bit of me into our relationship.

Sorry for running on, this was your post, but you're not alone.

Edited January 6, 2020 by perplexed01