Never thought this would be me but here I am..

[Mara1573]

I am new here but I have read many different stories so I am looking for advice on my situation. Please don't judge me.

 

I have been having an affair with a co-worker for 5 months now he is 20 years my senior. We started as friends and occasionally hung out outside of work. We both did not have intentions of having an affair but unfortunately it was beyond our control. We have this unexplainable chemistry and sometimes it's like I see myself in him despite our age gap. He has admitted too. He is married with 2 kids and I have been in a relationship for 4 years. Basically we went out for dinner one weekend and ended up going to a bar then a hotel.

 

We didn't end up having sex because I was aware that he was married and I started asking questions about his wife. He said that marriage is a contract and when the other person breaches it's void. We were both drunk but I guess I kept going on about it and at one point he asked if I want for both of us to call her together and that she didn't care. Then he ended up telling me he feels guilty because of my relationship and I pretty much said the same thing as he did but in other words. Our affair began since that day.

 

We both got into details about our partner and he told me that his wife had cheated on him and that he knows of two of them for sure but could be more. He said that's what he meant by marriage is a contract and that it is void. I asked him about his ring too and as I noticed from before our affair he never wore one. He said he gave it back to her a few years ago. A ring is a symbol. I admitted to him that my partner had been unfaithful as well. He told me he loves his wife but like a sister and is not in love with her and that I am not in love with my partner either or else we both wouldn't be here together.

 

We both pretty much live with our partners like room mates. He said the only obligation he has to his wife is regarding his kids and that's a bond between the two he can't change. Fast forward up to now everything has been great between us. We don't hide when were in public and only at work because both of us agreed to keep it professional. We spent last weekend together and went to a hockey game and had a few drinks. While we were laying down together he started saying he cares about me so much.

 

He doesn't want to leave me, he was talking about our age gap and that he wishes to hold me forever in his arms but he can't be my companion. I deserve a family. Maybe in another life time. He's sorry. I guess I started crying and he was comforting me I don't remember much but his words. We went for breakfast the following more so I asked him why was I crying last night because I wanted to see what he would say. He said in a nutshell that he cares so much about me it would be selfish for him to have me all to his self. That maybe he should have been 20 years younger.

 

He said he will look for me in another life and another but then said maybe we are in that life time now and maybe we'll see if this works. Since than I have been feeling down I don't know what to do. I am in love with him and he's in love with me too.

 

I can feel it. I keep thinking is it possible for two people to fall in love in the wrong time? and why god brought him my way under the circumstances? I just feel lost.

Edited October 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

The new has simply worn off for him and he's ready to move on (probably to the next affair). See, he's not looking for one right woman to be with. He is looking for variety and more than one. He tried to let you down easy, which was only confusing, as is usually the case. But he's moving on now. He's probably already got someone new lined up. He cheated on her and he'll cheat on you. That's what you have to remember about dating people who are already taken. They will do the same thing to you. He's trying to keep you from being mad and making a scene at work, I'm sure, by concocting his altruistic story about how this is for your own good.

[vla1120]

The good news is that you are not married. You can break off your relationship with your boyfriend and both of you can move forward with your lives.

 

The MM is using you. His excuses about feeling "guilty" because of the age gap is a load of baloney. He has no intention of leaving his wife, ever.

 

The first thing you need to learn about a cheater is that they are also liars. Who knows if his wife really even cheated on him? They'll come up with any excuse possible to garner sympathy from their targets. I feel like his comments about looking for you in another life, you deserve someone your own age, etc., etc., etc., are all his way of trying to let you down easy.

 

Please, I hope you can separate yourself from him for good, break it off with your boyfriend, and take some time for yourself. Seek counseling to help you get through this time. Therapy will help you rebuild.

[Mara1573]

Breaking up with my partner is not as easy and I may be as well married let's just say. I have never asked him to leave his wife or had that idea in my head up until this conversation.

[divegrl]

Welcome to LS!

 

Know that your feelings are normal. The chemistry, the I love yous, the forever and always in my arms.... happen in all affairs. This is not love, but infatuation and brain chemicals going crazy. You are in a powerful addiction, one that is very hard to break and see clearly.

 

This man is right about one thing. You do deserve to be with someone who can commit to you, love you, and have a family with. I think it will be a long time though before you can come out of this affair fog.

 

Take care. Have a beautiful day.

[Starswillshine]

First you have to see this for what it is...

 

Yes, you had absolute control over that. This is a misconception people like to believe; it also goes along with their "soulmates" thinking. You are not soulmates. Soulmates would not be married to other people.

 

He is a cheater. He is an older cheater. Pretty common, women age, we are not that super youthful, fun girl... and men struggle with losing their youth. The get some one younger.

 

Thankfully, you did not waste 5 months of your life, since you, yourself are in a relationship as well. So chalk it up to lessons learned and move on from him and the boyfriend.

[preraph]

He's just a guy who likes to sample new women. He's got one at home who will put up with it.

[elaine567]

I am sorry but it is all MM bullsh^t that gets played out time after time on this forum.

He is a old guy who has wormed his way into your pants by a mixture of grooming you at work, and the sharing of experiences that may or may not be true from his end...

He was cheated on, you were cheated on - the stars aligned...

Now he is doing the usual "guilty" push pull that is actually a manipulation trick to get you hooked. He tells you he needs to leave you, you are devastated, he comes back you are ecstatic, this gets repeated time and again, each time you get deeper and deeper involved... you get addicted. You become the perfect OW. Add in some ILYs and you are going nowhere no matter how bad it gets...

He is also letting you know he ain't leaving his marriage.

Of course he would... if only he was younger... yeah sure!

He sounds pretty slick to me. I guess this is not his first rodeo.

 

My advice - RUN away and don't look back.

[mark clemson]

Agreeing with most that the sensible, rational thing to do here is work on leaving your BF and this man so you can find a better relationship. Just because it's the most sensible thing to do doesn't make it the easiest, unfortunately.

 

Clearly your needs were not being met, so you went and found this MM and now have fallen hard for him. This is very unlikely to end well, particularly in a work context. Don't know what to tell you: you should walk away, but what you're likely to actually do is coast along with this until the essentially inevitable crash landing (in whatever form it may take) occurs. Suggest you try to avoid doing that as best you can.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

We both did not have intentions of having an affair but unfortunately it was beyond our control.

 

How so?

 

10 characters.

[Hrgirl915]

Your story sounds romantic and I’m sure there is heightened intrigue given your age difference. Older men are appealing. My AP had 16 years on me so I know. But, consider yourself lucky as you are only 5 months into this. I’m sure you are sad but believe me when I tell you that if you don’t walk away from this, you will end up a very broken woman at some point. Affairs are vicious emotional roller coasters. Lies will be told to keep you in abeyance. The day will come where you realize the lows are long and many, while the highs are short and few. It’s just not worth de-valuing yourself over this man and the unknown of a future together. They may care for you but not enough to split their assets and bare the shame of divorce. Instead they rather cheat and risk being caught than to find contentment in their mundane lives.

[Amethyst68]

Of course you could control yourself - you just didn't want to! At least own your actions.

 

As for leaving your relationship, tell your SO you've been cheating, that may solve your problem for you.

[BaileyB]

He said that marriage is a contract and when the other person breaches it's void.

 

Divorce attorneys everywhere grown...

[Mara1573]

I didn’t wake up one day at said I’m going to have an affair. I tried as much as I could to avoid this but always had that gut feeling that it was bound to happen. Obviously my emotions were much stronger than I was.

[Mara1573]

Thanks. We both promised each other that no matter what happens between us we will remain friends. Despite what some of the others wrote we both have never stepped out on our partners until now with each other. It will be difficult as I have to see him at work everyday and I am not certain if I want to end it or not yet.

[Starswillshine]

Thanks. We both promised each other that no matter what happens between us we will remain friends. Despite what some of the others wrote we both have never stepped out on our partners until now with each other. It will be difficult as I have to see him at work everyday and I am not certain if I want to end it or not yet.

 

You know your truth, but only your truth. Just because you have not lied to him, does not mean that he has been honest with you.

 

This is a man who is looking at his wife's face daily lying to her. Do not fall into the trap so many OWs fall into and project your feelings and what you would do onto him. Men cheat for extra. Women cheat because unfulfilled.

[BaileyB]

I didn’t wake up one day at said I’m going to have an affair. I tried as much as I could to avoid this but always had that gut feeling that it was bound to happen. Obviously my emotions were much stronger than I was.

 

Please. Deciding to have sex with the man is a conscious decision you made, exactly the same as deciding to brush your teeth on the morning or what to cook for dinner.

[DKT3]

I didn’t wake up one day at said I’m going to have an affair. I tried as much as I could to avoid this but always had that gut feeling that it was bound to happen. Obviously my emotions were much stronger than I was.

 

In time you will look back on this and all of the comments you've made here and think...man was I foolish. I dont mean to be mean but you are clearly not seeing this with your eyes or brain.

 

One think, so your trying to tell us you were helpless in not having an affair? Cause I can think of 5 things off the top of my head that would have prevented it.

 

You obviously CHOOSE to have this affair, you made a series of poor decisions and walked right in. Like most committed women who get involved with married men it makes you feel better to claim ignorance and lack of intent. Oh I did not want this, I didn't go looking for this...truth is you did...start recovery by owning it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

start recovery by owning it.

 

Yep. 100%. "I couldn't help it" isn't a valid excuse for any bad behavior. Humans have free will. This isn't a case of the hiccups.

[oldlion]

If you have only been with your partner 4 years and you are already contemplating an affair, then you are with the wrong partner. You are cheating him out of time in his life and you out of happiness.You should orchestrate a split now, before you have invested more time in this sham of a relationship you are now in. And just for general information, I would be willing to make a heavy bet that you are now the first woman he has spoken to with these terms of endearment. I do wish you well.

[Mara1573]

He cheated on me first and I guess I tried to make it work but not very successful..

[Mara1573]

I am not trying to make myself feel better by stating that. My partner was unfaithful to me and I made efforts trying to work it out however, I got caught up with MM while trying to recover from what my partner did.

[What_Did_I_Do]

OP, sorry...your responses are coming across that you (both) are helpless casualties in this forbidden love affair, who were dealt bad hands earlier in life....therefore found comfort in each other's arms. Please.

 

He's an opportunistic older man who is never going to leave his marriage, despite all the sad tales he has crafted for you. You are using the 'partner previously cheated' excuse. Quid pro quo.

 

Elaine was spot on. He's telling you that you deserve better (because you do) only as a test to see if you would settle as his mistress and nothing more.

 

Run from this affair before it gets much worse. Trust me, this is only the beginning of the nightmare if you don't walk away now.

[pepperbird]

op,

I'm reading what you wrote, and to be quite frank, I'm not really seeing a lot of "you' in them. I'm seeing almost a shell you've put around yourself to make this feel okay to you, even though, way deep down, you know it's not.

 

You try really hard to rationalize yourself, but really, it doesn't make a lot of sense. First, you claim you didn't go looking for an affair, couldn't help yourself, yadda yadda yadda.

 

 

 

Stop that line of thinking. It will just hurt you. This didn't just happen. You weren't attacked. You weren't drunk, on drugs or suffering from a dissociative episode. You did exactly what you wanted to do. You engaged your brain and made a series of choices.

 

When that doesn't work, you try another tack. You switch it up to " I was hurting because my SO cheated. MM stepped out because she cheated, and to him that means his marriage is no longer valid". Really think about that and the" we couldn't help it" excuse. They simply don't mesh.

 

Look, you were hurting, you met a guy, you hooked up and it's kept going. That's it. Game over. The sooner you admit that and stop painting this as some sort of star crossed romance stuff the sooner you can begin to heal. Accept responsibility, and you will free yourself. You'll be back to being master of your own ship.

 

 

If you choose to continue to pine after this guy, then I would make the following suggestion. Contact his wife and get the real scoop on what's been going on in their marriage. The best? you'll find out he was telling the truth, she'll know he was cheating and maybe they can end their marriage which you feel is a sham. If he's lying, you'll know that, and it may hurt but it will be easier to leave him behind. If he's truthful they may well be happy you did, as it will set them both free from an unhappy marriage.

[stillafool]

Of course you could control yourself - you just didn't want to! At least own your actions.

 

As for leaving your relationship, tell your SO you've been cheating, that may solve your problem for you.

 

Thank you. You are just as guilty and broken as the MM. You both went into this affair with eyes wide open. You knowing you have a boyfriend and knowing he had a wife. I agree if you aren't married and if you want to cheat on your man with some old guy then tell him the truth about what you've been doing.