stillafool Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 I am not trying to make myself feel better by stating that. My partner was unfaithful to me and I made efforts trying to work it out however, I got caught up with MM while trying to recover from what my partner did. The way to recover from a cheater you aren't married to is to break up and leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mara1573 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Share Posted October 9, 2019 Thank you for the advice. Right now I am not sure exactly what I want to do with MM or with my S/O. We have never discussed both of us leaving our partners. Both of our partners have had a hunch I guess due to our behaviour. Spending weekends together, etc. He told me she asked a few questions then asked if he wanted for her to meet me and if we were intimate and he told her that was a very personal question she was asking. I have said similar to my partner when he brought it up. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Both of our partners have had a hunch I guess due to our behaviour. Spending weekends together, etc. He told me she asked a few questions then asked if he wanted for her to meet me and if we were intimate and he told her that was a very personal question she was asking. Sure, because why would his wife have the right to know whether he has been intimate with another woman? I mean, how dare she ask such a question... (I’m being sarcastic, of course). You would be wise to stop believing everything this man says. And as has been said before, you would also be wise to start thinking with your head, and not your heart. To say that they probably have a hunch because you have been spending weekends together - can you appreciate how ridiculous that sounds? What do you tell your spouses when you spend the weekend together? If my partner is away for the weekend - I want to know why. Where is he? What is he doing? How could they possibly not know that something is up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mara1573 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Share Posted October 9, 2019 He is the one who brought it up when my partner had asked me about a hotel room key. So I really don't see the point of him lying as I am not the one who asked and he's trying to spare me my feelings. And my partner does not ask where I am for the weekend or why. Neither does his. If I am going to spend my weekend with him my partner may ask me what am I doing the weekend and I say going out with a friend. That's it. Sure, because why would his wife have the right to know whether he has been intimate with another woman? I mean, how dare she ask such a question... (I’m being sarcastic, of course). You would be wise to stop believing everything this man says. And as has been said before, you would also be wise to start thinking with your head, and not your heart. To say that they probably have a hunch because you have been spending weekends together - can you appreciate how ridiculous that sounds? What do you tell your spouses when you spend the weekend together? If my partner is away for the weekend - I want to know why. Where is he? What is he doing? How could they possibly not know that something is up? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Men cheat for extra. Women cheat because unfulfilled. Respectfully, I do think that sometimes men cheat because unfulfilled (and it's likely that some women cheat for extra as well). However, it's true one does never know what's really in the mind of the AP. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Respectfully, I do think that sometimes men cheat because unfulfilled (and it's likely that some women cheat for extra as well). However, it's true one does never know what's really in the mind of the AP. There are certainly always outliers. But in general .. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 For some odd reason, many OW seem to get a thrill out of their MM treated the BS horribly. If he can make it sound like he is rude to her and overtly disrespectful to her, then that helps further the impression their marriage is not one that is healthy nor does he love her. Somehow it never really dawns on the OW how horrible, rude, disrespectful, etc he is being to his wife.... the person he is married to... and many of these cases, the mother of his children. If he is truly the type of man who would tell his wife that basically it is none of her business if he is having sex with another woman... is that a man you want to be with? That is pretty disgusting. Of course it is her business. I would put money that was made up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 (edited) Somehow it never really dawns on the OW how horrible, rude, disrespectful, etc he is being to his wife.... the person he is married to... and many of these cases, the mother of his children. If he is truly the type of man who would tell his wife that basically it is none of her business if he is having sex with another woman... is that a man you want to be with? That is pretty disgusting. But then again, it sounds like she is doing the same with her husband. She is lying to him, telling him that she is out with friends on the weekend when really, she is sneaking around to hotels and having sex with another man... I’m sure it’s hard to appreciate this for what it really means, when she is literally doing the same thing to her own husband. Edited October 9, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Respectfully, I do think that sometimes men cheat because unfulfilled (and it's likely that some women cheat for extra as well). However, it's true one does never know what's really in the mind of the AP. Mark I recently read a study finding that shocked me, to be honest. According to a Pew research center study, they found that roughly 10% of married women progress to sex in affairs while over 85% of married men progress to sex in affairs. That really strongly suggests it to be true In most cases. Granted it could be the need going unmet for a large portion of these men is sex. Either way it kinda shoots down the idea that these men, in general, are emotionally attached to their affair partner. Yet 99% of women involved with MM are convinced it's some great once in a life time love story where they tried to fight off love and it just ran them over. It all sounds very sophomoric and immature. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Hmm. This is a bit OT, but, while I'm taking the stats as accurate, I'm not sure the conclusions are warranted. The men having sex does not mean they aren't emotionally attached to their APs. The men may have progressed to sex, but that doesn't mean they started the affair simply to have more sex. They may have started an affair due to dissatisfaction (of whatever nature) and seeking female attention, companionship, etc. Being men and having high sex drive, this progressed to sex. Or, they may have started a female friendship e.g. at work that gradually led (not deliberately) to EA and then via strong attraction to PA. I would definitely agree that some significant percent of MMs are indeed user types and doing it mainly for sex. We've seen some on this board (as well as some of the "emotionally sincere" types). It might actually be 85% or might be lower, hard to know. IMO, it's also true that, in general, having satisfying sex with your wife is going to help most men be happier in their marriage and thus less likely to look outside for an affair ("purely" sexual or otherwise). Although for the true "user" types I imagine this doesn't stop them. I do agree that viewing an affair as "super special" etc. is idealizing it and is naive on either a man or woman's part. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldlion Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Going back to a statement you made in your first post: "why God brought him in my way under the circumstances" I ask this question once in a situation (didn't have anything to do with an affair) I was having. The answer I got from a friend was.... "the devil has his miracles too." I do wish you well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 ...they found that roughly 10% of married women progress to sex in affairs while over 85% of married men progress to sex in affairs Yet 99% of women involved with MM are convinced it's some great once in a life time love story where they tried to fight off love and it just ran them over. It all sounds very sophomoric and immature. Women tend to be suckers for love. Women are brought up on romance, Cinderella, love stories, Rom Coms... A woman who feels "unloved" in her marriage is hungry for love. That wonderful "soulmate" happy stuff that is often way beyond what most normal husbands are capable of ever giving. Along comes the MM handing out complements, making her feel special, listening to her and telling her he loves her. He shows her that she is very important to him and she thus becomes putty in his hands. He basically love bombs her and to a woman stuck in what is to her a loveless marriage, where she feels unimportant and undervalued, she cannot resist.. her dreams just came true. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 For some odd reason, many OW seem to get a thrill out of their MM treated the BS horribly. If he can make it sound like he is rude to her and overtly disrespectful to her, then that helps further the impression their marriage is not one that is healthy nor does he love her. Somehow it never really dawns on the OW how horrible, rude, disrespectful, etc he is being to his wife.... the person he is married to... and many of these cases, the mother of his children. If he is truly the type of man who would tell his wife that basically it is none of her business if he is having sex with another woman... is that a man you want to be with? That is pretty disgusting. Of course it is her business. I would put money that was made up. This is due to ego gratification. They have to believe that they were the one true love that MM/MW couldn't deny and the married person is just there for the kids. They feel superior to the spouse. It never occurs to them that this man/woman loved this person so much they shopped for a ring, had a wedding and repeated vows in front of their friends and family. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 (edited) People are not stupid, they tend to pickup really quickly what the “currency” is for another person/in a relationship. For men, that may simply be sex. For others, the sex and adoration they feel from their affair partner may feed their ego or validate a feeling of being wanted sexually by a woman if their wife has lost interest. While for many women, reading this board it’s fairly obvious that this currency is usually a feeling - to feel appreciated, valued, loved, and wanted... (married or not). Whatever it is, both parties simply go about providing the other person’s currency, for the purpose of getting their own needs met. Edited October 9, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 According to a Pew research center study, they found that roughly 10% of married women progress to sex in affairs while over 85% of married men progress to sex in affairs. On the surface that doesn't seem to make any sense. Since affair sex involves 2 people, who are these married men having sex with if the married women aren't putting out? Most affairs involve MM's and MW because having an affair with a single person is a lot more risky. I think in a lot of cases, people are not being honest in these surveys. When surveys guarantee anonymity, the numbers are often radically different. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 Thank you for the advice. Right now I am not sure exactly what I want to do with MM or with my S/O. We have never discussed both of us leaving our partners. Both of our partners have had a hunch I guess due to our behaviour. Spending weekends together, etc. He told me she asked a few questions then asked if he wanted for her to meet me and if we were intimate and he told her that was a very personal question she was asking. I have said similar to my partner when he brought it up. Well that's werid. Why don't the four of you just have a sit-down and hash it all out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mara1573 Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 Actually I told MM I didn't like that response. He said it was pretty much telling her yes. Whether it was made up or not I am not sure. I can't see the reason why he would lie out of the blue. I didn't bring up the conversation. I don't discuss his wife and he does not discuss my partner. And it is at a point where both of us do not ask our partners questions and they don't ask us. For some odd reason, many OW seem to get a thrill out of their MM treated the BS horribly. If he can make it sound like he is rude to her and overtly disrespectful to her, then that helps further the impression their marriage is not one that is healthy nor does he love her. Somehow it never really dawns on the OW how horrible, rude, disrespectful, etc he is being to his wife.... the person he is married to... and many of these cases, the mother of his children. If he is truly the type of man who would tell his wife that basically it is none of her business if he is having sex with another woman... is that a man you want to be with? That is pretty disgusting. Of course it is her business. I would put money that was made up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mara1573 Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 I don't think that's necessary. See I know most affairs one of the partner is under the impression that they will leave their partners. I am not at that stage I don't even know if I see a future with MM. We both have obligations that we can't just leave and pack up and start a new life. All I am certain is the connection I have with MM I haven't had with anyone else. And it was before the affair even started. Well that's werid. Why don't the four of you just have a sit-down and hash it all out? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 On the surface that doesn't seem to make any sense. Since affair sex involves 2 people, who are these married men having sex with if the married women aren't putting out? Most affairs involve MM's and MW because having an affair with a single person is a lot more risky. I think in a lot of cases, people are not being honest in these surveys. When surveys guarantee anonymity, the numbers are often radically different. Using these types of websites as baseline, yes it would appear that married people cheat with married people...its actually not the case. Most married men do in fact have single OW. Those mm and those ow dont usually post on these types of websites. OP you seem to constantly minimize your affair and your role in the affair. It's very unlikely that you developed feelings while platonically involved. No no, your affair actually started long before feelings were involved. Also this nonsense about obligations sounds like you making excuses for him not leaving, which he isnt going to do. What obligations do you have? I dont see any from the way you describe things, no any that you actually hold to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mara1573 Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 Not making any excuse for him or myself. I did not go into details of everything while writing this. The conversation of us leaving our partners has NOT been brought up. All I am saying is even if it was brought up and we wanted to go ahead with it. We both just cant pack and leave. That's the reality. I was hoping to get some advice from people who have gone through a similar situation as me or are in the middle of one and not constantly judged. It's easy to write suggestions when you're not the one walking in my shoes. Using these types of websites as baseline, yes it would appear that married people cheat with married people...its actually not the case. Most married men do in fact have single OW. Those mm and those ow dont usually post on these types of websites. OP you seem to constantly minimize your affair and your role in the affair. It's very unlikely that you developed feelings while platonically involved. No no, your affair actually started long before feelings were involved. Also this nonsense about obligations sounds like you making excuses for him not leaving, which he isnt going to do. What obligations do you have? I dont see any from the way you describe things, no any that you actually hold to. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 These situations are never really tough. You know what the right thing to do is, you dont need any advice on that. What you're really looking for is for someone to tell you its going to be ok. I doubt you will find that advice here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 All I am certain is the connection I have with MM I haven't had with anyone else. Are you aware this statement is in the Cheater's Handbook? (100% of cheaters say this.) I'm not understanding why, if your relationships are both so cold that nobody asks questions about where anybody is, you don't just end those relationships? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 Are you aware this statement is in the Cheater's Handbook? (100% of cheaters say this.) I'm not understanding why, if your relationships are both so cold that nobody asks questions about where anybody is, you don't just end those relationships? Because it's most likely not the actual truth, truth is like most, she only has what MM tells her to go on. In her home, if it's TRUE its likely her partner is doing the same. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mara1573 Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 You are completely wrong. These situations are never really tough. You know what the right thing to do is, you dont need any advice on that. What you're really looking for is for someone to tell you its going to be ok. I doubt you will find that advice here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mara1573 Posted October 10, 2019 Author Share Posted October 10, 2019 Or maybe I have witnessed off first hand... MM went away for the weekend. He didn't lie about where he is going. She didn't even ask. Because it's most likely not the actual truth, truth is like most, she only has what MM tells her to go on. In her home, if it's TRUE its likely her partner is doing the same. Link to post Share on other sites
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