He ghosted me...wow!

[mnlady53]

So 16 years ago in college, I fell hard for this guy. He had it all (still does). It felt like a soulmate connection. He confessed that he felt the same and I was over the moon. We didn't sleep together, but we did have intimacy. He is modest when it came to girls so I wasn't "just another girl". The passion and emotional connection was intense. It actually scared the s*** out of me.

 

I was scared for several reasons. I was on the verge of graduating from college, I had job interviews lined up. I was scared that the connection was too intense and didn't know how to handle it. I was afraid of ruining it. I had been in love with this guy for a significant amount of time and when my hopes and dreams actually manifested, I was so afraid of losing him, and also of ruining the image of him I had built him up in my mind.

 

I left without explanation due to fear and immaturity and didn't explain myself. But still deeply loved and cared for him. I would even go as far as to say, that if the circumstances were right, I would have married him, on the spot. It was that deep.

 

So I came back briefly to visit mutual friends. We crossed paths, and he wouldn't even make eye contact with me. I moved on. I married and have 3 kids. He married the next girl after me and had 3 kids.

 

Fast forward to present time. It's now 16 years later. I found a box of old photos in the basement. I was very careful and only shared photos of mutual friends. None of him, and none of me. A mutual friend tagged him in our "friend group".

 

He found my profile, and within 4 hours of the photos going up, he shut down his social media profile. Just wow! I had a mutual friend check, and he ghosted his whole profile, not just me, but everyone.

 

I'm ready to be an adult about it, and apparently there are some unresolved feelings. I'm not sure if I should be more upset that I was ghosted, or surprised that there are unresolved feelings there driving the need to disappear.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. I know, in the end, that I'm the one that backed off, so in a way I deserve the end result. I just wish in my heart that he would have heard me out, and that nagging "what if" is hanging out there.

 

I don't need closure, I have no plans to leave my husband or reaching out to this guy. Just mind-blown by the reaction I received.

[preraph]

Sounds like you ghosted on him without explanation all those years ago and it hurt him or made him mad, or both. Too late now. Better leave him alone. It might have only had to do with being careful that his wife doesn't see any future photo postings he might have been afraid were coming.

[basil67]

Wow, you sure caused some damage there. I'm guessing it's as simple as not wanting any of his unpleasant past popping up.

[Maddie82]

He was completely invested in you then you up and left without explanation. You deeply hurt him and broke his heart so how else do you expect him to react?

[Twizzlestick]

I’m going to make a guess, but I think it’s probably accurate.

 

It sounds like he was in love with you all those years ago, and you vanished. It would’ve hurt him deeply. I think 16 years later a reaction like that is him doing something quick to make sure the damage from the past doesn’t re surface like a phantom. It likely took a long time to come to terms and stow that stuff, it can be fragile when old pain comes back. It was not something for you to get angry about.

 

It’s been 16 years, try wearing a different hat instead of anger. More a different view. An empathy one. Him doing this was nothing to do with you, or angled at you, rather someone who’d been through pain in his past wanting to protect himself. He didn’t ask to be tagged in those photos. He was likely living his life, and quite rightly he doesn’t deserve to have old pain inflicted upon him. It’s not a go at you, rather I’m sure when you see it like this, you’ll understand.

 

Having been dumped last year you don’t ever get over some things I feel rather come to terms with them or stow them away, managed carefully in the mind closet.

 

Whatever you do, do let pride or curiosity get the better of you, do NOT contact him. That would be very bad form. It’s clear even photos from the past can cause him pain still so the last thing he needs is having old wounds ripped open by contact seated in selfish reasons.

Edited October 22, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[rjc149]

I know, in the end, that I'm the one that backed off, so in a way I deserve the end result. I just wish in my heart that he would have heard me out, and that nagging "what if" is hanging out there.

 

16 years is a while to process this, so I can see why his strong negative reaction would surprise you so many years later. Especially considering you were never in an actual relationship or had sex.

 

Then again, ghosting someone who loves you, unexpectedly, without another word and for no good reason, is a *profoundly* awful thing to do to someone. I can't imagine how confusing and painful that must have been for him. Understanding his reaction will require you to own up to the fact that what you did to him is not forgivable and you have no place to seek an explanation or forgiveness. He has rightfully left you in his rear-view.

 

There's no what-if, there's no reason for him to hear you out. Too much time has passed, what's done is done. Being an adult is understanding that the appropriate emotion for you to be feeling is not anger or indignation, but guilt, and to grow from your guilt into a better human being.

[findingnemo]

He shut down his profile. The whole thing. Why do you think that it is about you? Did someone tell you that he said so? I fail to see the connection between you uploading photos and him shutting down his profile 4 hours later. Tag or no tag. The former is not an automatic explanation of the latter.

[Beendaredonedat]

 

 

I left without explanation due to fear and immaturity and didn't explain myself.

 

He found my profile, and within 4 hours of the photos going up, he shut down his social media profile. Just wow! I had a mutual friend check, and he ghosted his whole profile, not just me, but everyone.

 

I'm not sure if I should be more upset that I was ghosted, or surprised that there are unresolved feelings there driving the need to disappear.

You're confused? Why. You ghosted him from a relationship never mind some insignifican't, shallow and mundane web site for goodness sakes.

 

He has good reason to delete himself and I'm truly surprised that you are confused as to why.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. I know, in the end, that I'm the one that backed off, so in a way I deserve the end result. I just wish in my heart that he would have heard me out, and that nagging "what if" is hanging out there.

Ya... too bad you didn't explain to him your fear of commitment and maybe he could have understood your total lack of love in doing what you did.

 

I don't need closure, I have no plans to leave my husband or reaching out to this guy. Just mind-blown by the reaction I received.

Mind blown? Surely you are not that self-absorbed that you can't see why he wouldn't want you in his orbit. Please take a moment to understand that you are reaping the negative consequences of your actions. His response to being tagged in your sphere are totally understandable considering your lack of empathy and the actions of such an unloving action of disappearing without word from the relationship.

 

Perhaps the straight up advice will help you with your 'closure' and guide you into not being so "mind-blown" by his reaction.

[Blind-Sided]

OK... no real help here... just some insight.

 

 

I had a relationship with a girl 26 years ago. We dated for almost 5 years, and I thought I was going to spend my life with her. I even worked for her dad, and he didn't know why she did what she did. A few weeks after, her brother came to me and told me the guy she was seeing (a person I knew, friend of a friend) that they had been seeing each other for almost 6 months before she broke up with me. (So, she was cheating)

 

 

Over the years, she has tried to reach out to me in different ways, including calling my folks. I found no reason to talk with her. She broke the very core of what I was feeling, and I didn't need to forgive her to move on with my life. I found out from her brother years after, she felt guilty about it, and wanted closure. SO... for me... not giving her that was my justification.

 

 

So... Here I sit... working in the town I know she lives in (I travel for biz) and I have recently gone through an ugly divorce of a 20 year relationship... and I still refuse to let her know I'm only 15 min away from her.

 

 

So... you may ask why???? The mental hurt she cause me is actually worse than my ex of 20 years, and the mother of my kids caused me. She cheated... my ex just went bat crap crazy. (Family history issue)

 

 

So there it is. your story from the guy's side. You may not have cheated on him... but you broke his heart for no reason other than your own fears. He owes you no closure or explanation. Don't try to talk to him. It's done and over long ago.

Edited October 23, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[ajequals]

like others I don't see anything for you to be upset about he was the one that was abandoned... I'm sure he doesn't want to hear questions from his family so its best for him to close the account ..Honestly it sounds like your loss

 

And now you want to see if the spark is still there ..it might be. it might not.. but he's not willing to give you the satisfaction of finding out

[Love2015]

...I read your post and I have a different advice altogether...so if is good you are happy with your husband and kids and we can only hope and wish, he is same with his wife and kids as he was ghosted...and it does seem you believe it is because you hurt him...the best thing I advise is say sorry. Just recognizing you hurt him ...if it is something that cause him pain..it will immensely heal.or you may just find out he has no issues about it at all. For yourself...ask forgiveness. See how you feel. Cheers

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm ready to be an adult about it, and apparently there are some unresolved feelings. I'm not sure if I should be more upset that I was ghosted, or surprised that there are unresolved feelings there driving the need to disappear.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. I know, in the end, that I'm the one that backed off, so in a way I deserve the end result. I just wish in my heart that he would have heard me out, and that nagging "what if" is hanging out there.

 

I don't need closure, I have no plans to leave my husband or reaching out to this guy. Just mind-blown by the reaction I received.

 

You are confused that you believe he has unresolved feelings. Yet you post that you have a nagging "what if" hanging out there. To me, that reeks of unresolved feelings. It sounds to me as if you're projecting.

 

You write that you wish he would have heard you out. But, didn't you say you ran off and didn't try to explain to him? So, how could he have heard you out?

 

I don't know about asking forgiveness from him at this stage because it doesn't seem to me as if you know how you feel about him and it also seems to me it would be a mistake to reach out to ask forgiveness, since you're both married, UNTIL you resolve your own feelings.

 

From the confusion I see in your post I'm concerned you may end up, without meaning to, laying some blame on him that he doesn't deserve as you have in your post above (re: "wish he would have heard you out.")

 

Maybe when you have resolved your own feelings for him you will want to ask forgiveness of him. It seems to me that 16 years ago you were out of touch with your feelings and how to deal with them and that you still are. Possibly now is a good time to work on developing more empathy and understanding of others than you had in the past and have in the present.