Orianne Posted October 8, 2019 Share Posted October 8, 2019 Does anyone have any experience with marriage counseling while separated? My husband is wanting to divorce, but has agreed to attend counseling, to give me closure, he says. I’m looking for a therapist that does emotional focused therapy, because I think most of our problems relate to a negative communication pattern that I believe is fixable. He didn’t bring up any issues until asking for divorce, so there wasn’t any opportunity to fix things. I know counseling isn’t very effective when one party is checked out, but I’m wondering if anyone had any experience? We have three little kids, so I’d like to say we tried everything before just giving up. There was no abuse, addictions, or affairs, and we weren’t having big arguments in front of the children. Everything seems fixable to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 We have three little kids, so I’d like to say we tried everything before just giving up. There was no abuse, addictions, or affairs, and we weren’t having big arguments in front of the children. Everything seems fixable to me. Orianne, if your husband really is walking away from his marriage and family with no warning or outside influences, he's in a very small minority. Rarely happens and down the road hindsight usually offers clues and explanation to what really happened. What's more likely is, in the daily craziness of raising three small kids, you missed significant indications of his unhappiness and disconnection. There may also have been signs he's become interested and/or involved with someone else. If this inability to stay engaged is what you mean by "a negative communication pattern", it's certainly possible to repair IF both parties are willing to do the work. Certainly no downside to counseling as long as you're realistic about the probable outcome. Hope things work out... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 I've done it when separated to help my ex with acceptance. The counsellor starts by asking each of us if we want to work on the marriage. I said No, my ex said Yes. Counsellor says that she can't help reconciliation but did discuss the breakdown with both of us to help in understanding. We only did one session together, but she offered further sessions to him to help him work through it. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Does anyone have any experience with marriage counseling while separated? My husband is wanting to divorce, but has agreed to attend counseling, to give me closure, he says. It's like finding any other service in life. The best way is by word of mouth and the second best way is to research. If I plug in Marriage counselor directory it comes up with all kinds of options which need to be carefully sorted out. Your request is very specific so try local hospitals and universities to see if you can get a lead for a referral. There are many group practices out there but it's hard to assess their effectiveness with your specific request. It's a lot like finding a good Dentist, doctor or mechanic. If you are religious I would certainly talk to my religious leader. It's likely they have experience and can offer you a referral. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Orianne Posted October 9, 2019 Author Share Posted October 9, 2019 Orianne, if your husband really is walking away from his marriage and family with no warning or outside influences, he's in a very small minority. Rarely happens and down the road hindsight usually offers clues and explanation to what really happened. What's more likely is, in the daily craziness of raising three small kids, you missed significant indications of his unhappiness and disconnection. There may also have been signs he's become interested and/or involved with someone else. If this inability to stay engaged is what you mean by "a negative communication pattern", it's certainly possible to repair IF both parties are willing to do the work. Certainly no downside to counseling as long as you're realistic about the probable outcome. Hope things work out... Mr. Lucky He’s actually the primary caretaker, so I’m the one who moved out, but I’m still at my house daily. There were a lot of indicators that he was unhappy, but I thought—and he told me—that it was related to him having PTSD. I had no reason to suspect there were issues with the marriage. He said it was his PTSD, and I took that at face value. Ideally, I could find a counselor that does couples and has experience with PTSD and maybe get some answers. He’s been all over the place with his reasons for wanting a divorce. I also have no reason to suspect another woman. He’s not being secretive or anything. He even got rid of his cell phone and replaced it with a landline because he felt he could not afford the bill. Also, watching the kids all the time eats up his day. The kids themselves haven’t mentioned any babysitters or strange visitors, so it seems very unlikely. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 There were a lot of indicators that he was unhappy, but I thought—and he told me—that it was related to him having PTSD. I had no reason to suspect there were issues with the marriage. He said it was his PTSD, and I took that at face value. Ideally, I could find a counselor that does couples and has experience with PTSD and maybe get some answers. He’s been all over the place with his reasons for wanting a divorce. Well, that's a completely different approach, since you said: He didn’t bring up any issues until asking for divorce, so there wasn’t any opportunity to fix things. Now it seems he had a number of issues, but you didn't tie them to the relationship. If he was unhappy, did you discuss with him how that was affecting you, your family and the marriage? Is your H currently in IC for issues related to PTSD? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 It's certainly better to get counseling while separated rather than after the divorce. It certainly sounds like this is fixable. He may not have seen a way out of his own misery so perhaps a good counselor can give you both tools. best wishes Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 I went after I left my exH because he asked me to. We didn’t ride together, I met him there. I was afraid he’d crash the car and kill us both if I went with him. When it’s like that there is no amount of counseling that’ll help. I hope you have a better outcome than my own. Link to post Share on other sites
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