Feeling hurt

[castaway83]

A couple of weeks ago I've quit my job, my husband was ok with it, saying I don't need to work. Not sure what I want to do, in the meantime, I've started writing a book. Yesterday we've had an argument about something unrelated and now he is complaining that I'm not working. Hello? I'm pissed, I've asked him multiple times and he said, yes quit your job, he kept saying such and such days until your retirement, saying how happy he is for me. Then he implied that I'm lazy and won't ever work again. I feel like he is really ungrateful, for 2 years I've paid for the mortgage, so he can focus on reducing his debt.

 

It cuts deep as work was always my weak spot. I always wished I could start over. I'm not a kissa$$ and not constantly pushing for promotions, for the past 10 years I've worked for the same company, doing the same job. I want to do something else. Problem, the jobs that sound interesting require different degrees or work experience that I don't have. So every time I've looked for a job, it made me depressed. Pay would be less, benefits would be worse and less vacation days, but regardless, the jobs that I've applied to did not even bother replying at all. And now my husband brings me down even more, while he should be supporting me.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hello? I'm pissed, I've asked him multiple times and he said, yes quit your job, he kept saying such and such days until your retirement, saying how happy he is for me. Then he implied that I'm lazy and won't ever work again.

 

How old are you?

 

I'm not a kissa$$ and not constantly pushing for promotions

 

With all due respect, those are the kinds of sentiments expressed by those who were outworked by promoted coworkers.

 

Hard to comment further without knowing how long you've been married, what your financial situation is and where you stand on reaching your goals as a couple. Perhaps you could use your time off to work as a couple on better communication and problem solving...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Maddie82]

Why did you quit your job? If you've only been paying the mortgage for the last 2 years does that mean that he was paying it for the rest of the time prior to that? Sounds to me that you have lost your way and while he may have been supportive of you in the beginning, your way of living has become intolerable for him. These days when it comes to jobs you can't be picky and choosy, but it seems you have a clear idea of what you want to do but wont consider anything a little less. It's not a bad thing, but you don't seem to be thinking realistically. you've set your sites too high. This is what is likely frustrating your husband. Why don't you look into getting a required degree for something that you want? You have the time now.

[schlumpy]

I like that you trying to write a book. Everyone should have the opportunity to do something they dreamed of doing. Don't be unrealistic about it and don't ride the edge of financial ruin to do it.

 

How is your financial situation? Do you have nice emergency fund of 6 to 10 thousand dollars sitting in a savings account? IRA or 401K up to snuff. I recently read that the amount of retirement money to cover all contingencies should be 1.2 million. I doubt many people arrive at that figure. Are you on track for a retirement that will maintain your lifestyle?

 

Those thoughts are a consideration but I'm not sure what you mean about his debt. Since you are helping him pay it off it seems to me it's also your debt.

 

Many of us get to a point in our lives where we have to let go of our workilives because we've lost interest or we just can't do it anymore. Others will work until they take them out of the office in a body bag. Which one are you?

 

How about writing in the morning and working PT in the afternoon?

[castaway83]

We've only been married and living together for 2 years. He has debt from his previous marriage. I don't have any debt. I do have money in savings, my car is paid off, the house is in my name and I've made the downpayment, basically almost paid my half. I'm only unemployed since the beginning of October. A lot of reasons why I quit my job, it's a small company, no opportunities, my boss quit earlier this year giving a 2 weeks notice and not having a non-disclosure agreement, he is now working for the competitor, and the CEO is taking it out on the people remaining. I barely had any work left to do, leaving me bored half of the day and then we were told we won't be getting a bonus for this year, it was the last straw, as my base pay is not great, about 30% came from the one-time bonus.

 

My husband makes double. He has to pay child support, but as we have the kids 50% of the time, it's not that much. He can pay the mortgage and child support with one paycheck and have another left for everything else.

 

So I don't see where his frustration is coming from? I've paid most of the household expenses for 2 years, not saving any money, so he can reduce his debt. He is stressing out about things that are not predictable.

 

If I would be coming to the conclusion that I want to be a doctor or lawyer, I would go back to school, problem is I don't know what I want. My husband loves his job, he is very ambitious, it made me feel bad for being stuck at a job that I hated.

[mark clemson]

Write the novel AND find a new job. It's easier said than done, but don't live on/burn through your savings. This is very unwise IMO. Ideally you would have found the new job while working at the old one, but what's done is done.

 

Read up on recent resume/cover letter expectations. Try to meet people and network in the job fields you'd like - Don't just submit resumes on a web site - software filters out 90% of them. Good networking is at least 50% of the game. Get someone to recommend you to their boss/the hiring manager so they are looking for/expecting your resume.

 

You'll have plenty of time to start the novel while job searching. Then you can finish it while you have the job. DON'T count on financial success from your novel. There are a lot of starving writers/bloggers for every Stephen King and Darius Foroux.

[d0nnivain]

He is supporting you. He's bringing money into the household right now & you are not. If you could not afford to live & write your novel without his income you were not very smart when you decided to quit.

 

Look at it from his side. He's paying CS & only 2 years into your marriage he's the sole support for everything. He feels like women only want him for his money.

 

Yes what he said was hurtful. I suspect it's born of fear. Don't let the angry words slide but don't attack him over it.

 

Do try to get some source of income. Even if you only pay for the groceries by working a minimum wage job part time, at least it's not all on him.

 

Meanwhile work with him on a budget & show him where there will be savings from you not working: you will not be adding miles to the cars; you will not paying for gas; you won't need a work wardrobe; perhaps the car insurance can go down. Since you are home, there will be more home cooked meals & no lunches out for you, always a savings. Do pamper him a bit -- have his coffee ready as he's heading out the door etc.

 

I have been toying with retiring myself. DH & I could do it right now but we talked & agree it would be more fair if I could do a few expensive things before I hung it up -- pay off the house, get a new roof & some landscaping on the primary house; get landscaping on the 2nd vacation house etc. with new money. So that is what we're doing. You didn't really have that great of a safety net in place for you to quit. He said yes because he loves you & knows you were frustrated. He didn't say yes because he thought it was a good idea.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've paid most of the household expenses for 2 years, not saving any money, so he can reduce his debt.

 

As a spouse, I'd support the sabbatical you seem determined to take after 20 years together, not 2, there's just too much financial ground to cover as one moves towards retirement. Complicated by the fact, regardless of what he said initially, you don't seem to be on the same page.

 

So castaway83, what's the next step ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

BTW, you could consider some of the options mention in this thread:

 

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/684295-posting-case-some-may-find-way-useful

[castaway83]

I don't want a job, I want to find something I love.

 

 

 

And if I'm never working again, why is this a big deal? In other cultures, the male is responsible to take care of the family. Even in the US not too long ago women did not work unless they had to.

 

 

 

I don't think it's fair, people only look into the future but don't recognize what I've done. I've paid the mortgage, water, gas bill, groceries ect for 2 years. He paid electricity, gym membership (now canceled), TV subscription (also canceled), internet (that I've told him, he could cancel as well, but he does not want to). Most of his expenses are not related to the household. He makes double median household income by himself, he just was not smart with money in the past.

 

 

 

We don't share a bank account, I don't go and spend his money.

 

 

 

I've worked for the past 15 years, now I need some time to figure out what I want to do with the next 30.

[schlumpy]

I've worked for the past 15 years, now I need some time to figure out what I want to do with the next 30.

 

Good luck Castaway.

 

Under what genre at Barnes and Noble should I be looking for your book and how soon?

 

Please tell me you will be writing an epic science fiction series like "The Expanse" or "Dune."

[Mr. Lucky]

And if I'm never working again, why is this a big deal? In other cultures, the male is responsible to take care of the family. Even in the US not too long ago women did not work unless they had to.

 

Women also didn't vote or have many of the other rights they have today. Hope you're not proposing rolling everything back.

 

Did you bring children into this marriage?

 

Mr. Lucky

[castaway83]

no, kids.

 

 

 

How do I figure out what kind of job I want to do for the next 30 years?

[mark clemson]

I don't want a job, I want to find something I love.

 

I've worked for the past 15 years, now I need some time to figure out what I want to do with the next 30.

 

Completely understandable. I suppose you'll need to think about what's important to you and makes your life feel meaningful. May help.

 

 

And if I'm never working again, why is this a big deal? In other cultures, the male is responsible to take care of the family. Even in the US not too long ago women did not work unless they had to.

 

 

But you ARE in our culture, and this is very much as case-by-case thing with families today. If wishes were fishes...

 

You could look into Taken In Hand or similar organizations for families with this type of outlook, although really it's your husband's views that count here. Those folks would probably agree, I suspect.

 

Suggest you DO look for something that makes you happy, not just "work". Suggest you DON'T try to do "only what you feel like" in life as that's simply not realistic for those who aren't independently wealthy (and even those folks rarely get everything they want; I imagine many are quite bored).

[Mr. Lucky]

How do I figure out what kind of job I want to do for the next 30 years?

 

What are your interests? Educational background? When you were 10 and someone asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?", what was your answer?

 

Mr. Lucky

[mrs rubble]

no, kids.

 

 

 

How do I figure out what kind of job I want to do for the next 30 years?

Google "What career suits me?" there are a heap of online quiz's that may help you find what you want to do.

[BTDT2012]

It seems the two of you married with a set of expectations. Who decided that you would carry the bills so that he could pay down debt? Your husband didn't marry a stay at home wife, he married a working woman. I suggest that two of you have an honest conversation about your expectations. He doesn't owe you a sabbatical from working.

[Crazelnut]

OP, I'm sorry, but you sound like a teenager. Who the heck quits their job because they <whine>don't like it</whine>?? And can't figure out what they want to be when they grow up?? That's just irresponsible. You realize that most people don't like their jobs, right?

 

We all understand that you've been paying everything for the last 2 years. Sorry, but when you're 62 and as a couple, you don't have enough saved for retirement, you're going to be very sorry you just up & quit.

 

I think your husband was unkind to throw that in your face, but I think the reality of it is starting to sink in. You need to have a talk with him and reassure him and get a job.