lalalala44 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 I'm struggling and I just need to tell someone. I'm so happily married. My husband and I have been married for over 7 years and he could not be more perfect. Our life is so incredibly happy and I will protect that fully. The one irritation I've had with myself is that I never stopped having feelings for someone I dated in high school. Arguably, he was my first love. I was his first girlfriend. We dated for some time and got really close. We started experimenting sexually and, while we never had penetrative sex, we had a pregnancy scare in high school. We are both from religious families and when we were acting in this way together, he gave me an ultimatum that we couldn't do anything sexual or he would break up with me. We didn't have the self control so he broke up with me over a phone call and we didn't talk again after the high school break up. I never stopped having feelings for him, but I moved on. I knew he didn't want the same things in life as me anyway. I found the most amazing person and fell so in love with him. We got married and have been so incredibly happy ever since. Then, my husbands brother recently married my ex boyfriends sister. And now we are in laws. Our families are constantly doing things together. They plan big events and do the big holidays all together (thanksgiving, Christmas tree hunting, big family parties, Halloween party, etc.) Anyway, we have to see each other regularly now. And it's extremely awkward between us. The feelings are still there (for me) and it's not comfortable for me or fair to my amazing husband. I would never do anything to mess up the perfect life that we have together, but I'm tired of living with these feelings and awkwardness. What do I do? :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 (edited) What do I do? :/ Grow up? You've got the kind of relationship most people would cut off a limb to have, and you're focused on a decades old high school crush. How devastated would you be if your husband admitted he harbored feelings for an old girlfriend who's come back into your family circle? Only so much time and emotional energy in one's daily life, so the resources you're allocating to this drama are at the expense of your marriage. Think long and hard about what you really want. If your marriage was as perfect and love for your husband was as strong as you've described, this wouldn't even be an issue for you... Mr. Lucky Edited October 9, 2019 by Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
ajequals Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 if you can't control yourself ,don't go to the events..temptation is one of the biggest fights humans endure.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Recognise that your feelings are nothing more than the remnants of a high school crush. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldlion Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Ask yourself how you would feel if you knew your husband was having the same feeling for an old girlfriend as you are having for your ex. What would be your gut reaction? Your husband doesn't know you have these feeling but there is a good chance he will notice if you show how you feel when you are around your ex. Some husbands wouldn't notice . Is your husband the kind that is observant and will see what you think you are hiding? I read that if a women falls in love with two guys, she should pick the second one because if she really loved the first she wouldn't have fallen for the second. The biggest worry you have is putting so much thought in the ex that somewhere down the line you will do something stupid with him. Just remember, there are several thousand on here that said they would never do such a thing and then they did. If you want to keep your marriage stay as far away from your ex as you can. Don't even talk to him if you can at all avoid doing so. I do wish you well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Lala, how old are you? Just trying to figure out how long ago your relationship was with this person. I sympathize with your situation, but are you sure things with your husband are as happy as you describe? That nothing is missing? I'm guessing it isn't an option to alternate holidays alone with your husband and your collective families? (Does he know you guys are exes?). Honestly, I think your best bet is to keep it cordial and make sure you have all the things in your relationship that you had in the beginning--the regular date nights, romantic get aways, etc. Whatever it is that helped form the landscape of you falling in love with your husband in the first place and gave you quality one-on-one time. Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Ps. I think it also helps to keep in mind that the person you see in front of you at the holiday gatherings is very likely a different man than the one you knew in high school. For all you know, if you were really together in the now, you guys might fight like cats and dogs or find fundamental incompatibilities. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Unfortunately... you are family now, and you will either have to push those feelings aside, or not go to those events. As I sit here thinking... you may want to say something to your H. Don't get into details... just say you dated in HS, and you aren't comfortable doing things with him. I know that will open a can of worms... but since you are so close to your H... you can use his help to curb some of those encounters. Sure... you may have to be at the same house for T-giving... but you shouldn't have to find an Xmas tree with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Your relationship is in great danger. I realize that this an extreme position but after reading your post I believe it is warranted. You post read like two people arguing with one another. On one side was the voice that stridently defended her husband and used-over the-top adjectives to describe their relationship. The other voice spoke about the passion for the first love in the same tones used by the Sirens to lure hapless sailors onto the rocks. If you re-read your post I believe you will see it yourself. You need help' so I second Blind's suggestion that you get your husband involved so that you can limit your exposure to your old boyfriend without eliciting confusion on his part. Consider it an insurance policy. You may want to go to IC but only to learn coping mechanisms. I think that what is happening to you happens to everyone and is not abnormal. I think about my first love at times. The newness of those feelings are forever imprinted on you especially if the relationship never goes to closure. You are in a unique position where you don't have to wonder about your first love because he's right there for you. I just can't emphasize how dangerous this situation is and threatening to what you say you want to protect. Never be alone with him and pray that he doesn't feel the same way as you do. BTW, you didn't mention if he was married. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 As you still have feelings for this ex, how fair are you being to your husband? He thinks you are "all in" which is untrue. You do not mention kids, but if you don't have them, then you need to consider all this very carefully before you do. You apparently "settled" for your husband as he is such a "perfect" guy... But is that really enough for you long term? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 It seems like you are overly trying to convince yourself that your relationship and marriage is perfect, when it isn't. If it was, then this wouldn't be an issue and you would easily be able to push these feelings aside without a single worry. But you are worried about being around him. You say you would never cheat, but the fact that this guy is playing so heavily on your mind tells me that you are in fact worried that you'll get tempted. If you weren't, then none of this would be an issue. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 Two words: self control. I realize that's easier said than done, but it's doable. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 3 things: You say you are religious, so pray. Ask God for the strength to avoid temptation. Try the Our Father. Re-read the 10 commandments especially the ones about honesty & not coveting before you see him. Remember adultery is a Sin. On a more concrete note have better self talk. You are a grown adult. Your HS BF may be "the one who got away" but you have to stop focusing on what might have been & focus on what is. You married your husband for a reason. Use the reason as a touch stone. You don't even really know him anymore. People change after HS. You are a grown woman pining for a child who no longer exists. If all else fails read up on GIGs. The grass isn't always greener. And skim the infidelity threads around here. You risk Everything if you stray. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lalalala44 Posted October 9, 2019 Author Share Posted October 9, 2019 I fully agree with you all. And I would never hide something like this from my husband. He has known and has full transparency with my feelings since the second this came up. I am very careful with my thought life. I don't allow myself to dwell on the situation or overly dwell on the past. I have zero desire to be with anyone but my husband. It's just uncomfortable because being family, I can't get away completely. Self control is very present and my husband is fully aware and very understanding for me. He is very secure in himself and in us so it wasn't something that upset him at all. I am so blessed. I don't believe that having feelings means something is wrong with my marriage. I believe we all have temptations. But learning to live with it and hopefully stop having feelings at all is the hope. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 But learning to live with it and hopefully stop having feelings at all is the hope. Unless you have more mental discipline than most of us, I'm not sure feelings just stop. It would make more sense to examine their origin and cause, our subconscious works in interesting ways. I'm glad you have the kind of relationship where you can discuss this with your husband... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 9, 2019 Share Posted October 9, 2019 MY guess your husband does not want to lose you, so is being "Oh so tolerant and understanding". What he really thinks about it? Time may tell. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 10, 2019 Share Posted October 10, 2019 Well, being fully open and transparent about things like this can help a lot to moderate negative reactions. Many if not most men fully understand feeling attraction for non-partners. IF OP was keeping it secret, then maybe she'd be planning to do something about her feelings. Since she isn't, she isn't. It's certainly not ideal, but it shows trust, openness, and a genuine desire for support with the issue from the husband. Link to post Share on other sites
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