My fiances ex-husband

[Huskie]

Hello all,

 

I need some help and am at my wits end.

 

The thing i need help with may be deeper and more complicated then can be helped through a bit of friendly advice but i am desperate!!

 

I have been with my fiance for nearly 2 years now.

She has kids with her Ex-husband and because he lives quite a distance away and doesnt drive, when he sees the children he has to stay at our place.

I have tried so many times to drop my resentment and jealousy towards him coming over but i just cant seem to sort it out.

They were married for 12 years and she said that she never really loved him (they got together when they were 14 and had kids at 16) quite young.

It just burns me up when he comes over that they talk quite happily and joke and laugh and get along just like friends.

I know i am the one that probably needs to sort out my feelings as they have probably just been in the capacity of "friends" for many years before i came along.

 

My fiance and i talk all the time about it but i think she is at the end of her tether with me being such a **** about him coming over as it creates tension in the house when he is there and i think the kids (now 13 and 15) notice my reaction and maybe resent me a little because of it.

 

I guess i need help with how to change my feelings. It is a situation that is not of the norm, I need to hear from people who have been in similar situations and how they resolved their feelings?

 

I HATE feeling the way i do when he is around, to be honest i dont think i can handle feeling this way for much longer. Things are not going to change in the near future.

 

i dont know what to do?

 

any advice?

 

cheers

Brad

[Merin]

Daaaammmmnnn!

 

I have Little People with My EXH too, and let me tell you, there is NO WAY IN HELL I would allow him to stay with me in my home and I don't care how far away he lived.

 

My BF has Little People with his EXW as well, and I can tell you as well that I so would NOT be all about her coming to stay as a house guest regardless if she lived mad, crazy miles away.

 

While it's all good to go and fine (and really better for the Kids) when thier Parents can remain friends and get along, IMO it is crossing the damn line for any parent to expect the other to let them crash at thier house in the name of spending time with the kids.

 

My feeling is her EX needs to rent a hotel room if he lives that far away, or move closer to hang out with the kids... ask ANOTHER family member of his if they live close... whatever... but yeah.. I can feel you on why this would not be making you happy.

 

Sheesh

[jonesgirly]

Huskie/Brad

 

I think your feelings are quite understandable. As great as it is for divorced parents to have a good relationship, I think your fiances and her ex-husbands extends a little bit beyond that. I'm sure they probably are really good friends, but now that you are her "main man", the relationship you two have should be the first priority.

 

Is there a nearby hotel where he could stay during his visits? How long do his visits last?

 

My ex-husband and I have always maintained a good relationship (by my doing for our daughters' sake). I always invited him over for Christmas breakfast, Birthdays and other important life-events. However, there were never any over-night stays involved. If he didn't live within an hours drive, I would've expected him to stay at a hotel or friends place. Just for the sake of privacy for my family (meaning me and my husband).

 

Because you're uncomfortable with it, that should be enough to at least initiate a discussion. I'm sure that because they are such good friends, there is always that "feeling" that more-than-friends is just around the corner. Personally, my husbands' ex-wife could stay with us for months - he absolutely cannot stand her and I have had to develop a "civil" relationship with her just because of all the kids (4). There wouldn't be a single thought of "hmm........wonder if he'll get up in the middle of the night" in my mind - unless of course he was to reach for a weapon

 

I hope you can express your genuine concerns with your fiance - is it a man-thing? jealousy? insecurity? Is there anything she could do to make you more comfortable with the situation? Could he stay with a friend or at a hotel? They HAVE known each other since they were kids themselves, but that doesn't give them the ability to trample on your relationship now.

 

I hope your fiance can set-aside what has been going on for "years" for your sake. She now needs to be concerned with what bothers YOU. And in return, you need to genuinely and honestly express your REAL concerns.

 

Best wishes.

[Huskie]

Thanks so much jonesgirly and merin.

 

I guess when i posted this thread i knew there wasnt alot that could be done. it is my feelings that i need to sort out here.

 

I say that because my fiance and i have had so many discussions about this. both civil and non-civil and have done until we are blue in the face.

The fact remains that my fiance will always put what she believes is best for kids first. Before anything, anyone, even me. I understand this and this is the argument that she puts forward whenever push comes to shove over this issue.

When i say that i think she puts him (ExH) before me, she just says that she puts what she thinks is best for the kids before me.

 

Your suggestions of him staying in a hotel are a little unrealistic, he comes and sees the kids at our house and then has to leave to go stay in a hotel? The kids will ask why he cant just stay at our place. He sleeps in one of the childrens rooms when he does stay.

 

I havent had any suspicions on whether she would sneak out in the middle of the night, two reasons there i guess are

1. i trust that she wouldnt

2. if she did she knows it would be me packing my bags and i would be gone in a second.

 

Perhaps coming here was a mistake. I appreciate the advice you guys have given me, but i need to get over my feelings about this this as things arent going to change.

I know this because she stayed with him for the amount of time that she did purely for the kids. It was when i came along and we fell in love that she found a reason good enough to leave him for.

She found this whole process very hard as her children are her life and have been for a long time. You can imagine after being in a crap loveless relationship for so long and the children being her only refuge and reason to rise above her unhappiness.

With her children being her life for so long, and i guess them being the age they are makes things harder.

They would resent her if she restricted access to their dad because of me.

 

I just dont know what to do.

I get along with her ExH fine, but it just guts me them being so chummy.

They grew up in quite a hippy boarding school in england, so they are a bit hippy in their ways, i grew up old school.

My parents were divorced and i had a stepfather. If i wanted to see my dad it was at his house. When he came to get me and my brother for weekends he wouldnt even come into the house.

 

I guess i need help in trying to get over my feelings. Unfortunately i dont think that the situation is going to change.

If i put my foot down and say im going to leave if it doesnt, then it will go the me having to leave path.

If it doesnt and i get my way, i will have to put up with resentment from the children and my fiance because of the resentment she will get from her children.

 

Anyway, sorry to ramble.... just need help on how to get over my feelings more then anything.

 

cheers again guys.

Brad

[Mz. Pixie]

Awww man. You should have drawn the line when you moved in. The kids should have been told, well now that mommy has Brad living in the house it would be disrespectful for your dad to continue to spend the night or something of that order. Actually, the dad should have been the first one to say that. I can't imagine him wanting to be there, knowing that you're with the woman that he was married to for 12 years!

 

My exh will not even attend a football game if my new husband will be there!